Sunday, December 30, 2012

Christmas

Christmas was a bit of a whirlwind. Though I rarely hear people refer to it as uneventful or low-key. With Leah's party occurring just three days before, and all the preparation that that entailed; on top of all the standard Christmas hoopla: finishing shopping, wrapping gifts, while cramming that all into the regular daily schedule. Plus my last three days of work leading up to all that... It's been nuts, and I am EXHAUSTED. 

But good. 

Really good. 

And grateful.

Christmas Eve, as always was spent with my extended family at my Grandparents house (aunts, uncles, cousins). Everyone contributes an appetizer and we all over indulge in snacks. I think I love Christmas Eve the most. 
It's all laughter, and chaos. It's perfect. 



See that Glass Coffee table near Brian? My Uncle was given a homemade bottle of Kaluha which was sitting on that very table. But my ninja daughter knocked it over in the split second that I turned to acknowledge a thank you, and the bottle shattered into a million tiny pieces. With Kaluha and glass pooling onto the table and carpet, I can tell you I don't think I have ever moved so fast in my entire life. She was fine. The carpet, was not. Fortunately I have a connection to a Cleaning Company, and they took care of it the day after Christmas. And next year it'll be a fun story to re-tell. I hope. 


Not a great picture, but I love that shirt. Which we later changed her out of, because she was covered in Kaluha. It says: "Is It Too Late To Be Good?" 

Christmas morning was quiet. Since Leah had been up late the night before, and had been through the chaos of the previous three days (her birthday). She woke up an hour later than normal; 8am. Barely picked at her oatmeal, then went back to bed at 9 and slept until noon. So Christmas morning, was really Christmas afternoon for us. 




I put her in those striped little jammies, because they were very much like the pair we had her in last year on her first Christmas.


CAH-RAZY to see how tiny she was, just a year ago. 

We helped her open a few packages, and she was entirely interested. She played with the paper, and crawled over to her existing favorite toys across the room. 


Since our families were ridiculously generous, Brian and I Santa went easy. She got a Jack-In-The-Box (actually The Very Hungry Caterpillar) and a few other small gifts.


So overall it was wonderful and I feel so fricken lucky for my husband and daughter, and the rest of my family. I always do. 
But Christmas is just an extra reminder...

Hope yours was lovely too!

Friday, December 28, 2012

Twelve Months

Dearest Leah,


Snuggle in sweetie, this is going to be a long one. I'm finding it nearly impossible to summarize the first year of your life. So often it seems like we just brought you home from the hospital; I can barely even fathom the fact that you have actually been here for twelve whole months. You, my love, are one year today. 



One year...


Crap, wait a sec..


Better.


Watching you grow into this teeny tiny person has been the most fulfilling time in my life so far. And it's hard for me to imagine now, but I know it's only going to get better. 



This past month you have learned to clap. I think it partially comes from playing pattycake with your grammy, but also I like to grasp your tiny wrists and do it for you. Which inevitably cracks you up. Now when you do it on your own, you hold one had still while slapping the other against it. It's much cuter than I am describing it, I swear. 




Your getting pretty good at cruising along furniture, and sometimes, for a split second, you will stand on your own. Although the moment you realize it you drop down to your knees and crawl away.





You're so silly. You laugh so much, and so often. And your hearty little belly laughs are impossibly contagious. We just can't get enough.



Why you make a B-line for my bra every morning is beyond me. 
(it's usually on the bed as I'm getting dressed)
(I wasn't naked when I took this picture)


Your birthday was a total blast. We had both families over (about 19 people)! I ordered the template for your invitation from E.tsy and printed them at Cos.tco, I got the banner for your party with E.tsy as well! 
(Momma has no problems paying for convenience.) 




So happy with how this turned out!

Love this design, but it was supposed to say Happy 1st Birthday




I made your cake myself because, well, I take pride in preparing every ounce of food that goes into your little body. Since I haven't introduced you to Wheat yet, I made you a gluten free cake. (I've only held off on wheat because I'd like to limit the amount of processed foods I give her, not for any allergy concerns.) Anyway, I bought a gluten free cake mix, since I have no interest in investing in Rice and Tapioca Flours; and made a chocolate butter cream frosting from scratch. 

You ate two bites, and seemed mostly uninterested.

This will not always be the case. (I keep telling myself.) 

The mix provided plenty of batter so I poured some into an 8x8 pan with the intentions of cutting your piece into the shape of a 1
And poured the rest into a 5 inch round. 


 Which was good thinkin' cause the top part of the 1 broke off 
while I was frosting it. 
BULLOCKS.
Pretty happy with the other final product though...








This is what everyone else ate. I totally did not make it


Your first birthday present was a 4-in-1 Trike! You LOVE it. 


I had the best time decorating. My main objective was to take the focus away from the Christmas decorations. While the pictures don't really do it justice, 
I believe I was successful. 

A vase inside a vase, fill the larger one with gum balls!

 That is your "Birthday Tree" on the left.



Almost done, but I would like to close this post with 'A Mother's Prayer'. 
I did not write it. It is more eloquent and thoughtful than I could ever divine.


First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half; And stick with Beer.
Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes, And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.
May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need not Lie With Drummers.
Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long, and dry-humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,”she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.”
-Tina Fey
(An Excerpt from her fabulous book, Bossy Pants)

Can't wait to see what the next YEAR brings!

Love you more than you'll ever know,
Momma

Monday, December 17, 2012

And I Lost It

I was stuffing Christmas card envelopes last weekend, when I suddenly and completely fell apart. I just burst in tears. A wave of gratitude and I guess... relief; just bowled me over.

Relief that my darkest days are behind me.  

It's been years since we've sent out cards. In fact it was only three short years ago that I couldn't bring myself to open any of the cards we received, or even get a tree for that matter. 

Throughout our IF journey, Christmas has been particularly painful. (obviously, I know we weren't alone there.) It only reminded me of everything we didn't have. 

But Christmas wasn't really the culprit, the truth is I was a complete and udder train wreck for most of the last four years. It wasn't until the last few months that I have really made the time to reflect on where I was. Part of me thinks I've been too afraid to fully digest how bad things really were. It consumed and effected every part of my life. I let it. I guess you could say I was the poster child for 'leaning into it'. But I don't think I could have done it any differently. That is just how I function. I have to breathe things in, and really feel them in order to process the situation. Boy did I ever. And it was abysmal. 

But now? 

Now, I am obscenely, unabashedly happy. All the time. Sure I've been in a mood from time to time, but truly 98% of the time I am grinning from ear to ear. But I will never forget how lucky I am. And how so many of you, including some very dear friends that I have met through this community, whom are still fighting a very brave fight. Thank Gawd I found this community. THANK YOU, UNIVERSE, FOR BRINGING THESE WONDERFULLY AMAZING BRILLIANT COMPASSIONATE GENEROUS WOMEN INTO MY LIFE. 



**** I wrote this post a few days before the Newton Tragedy. Even the word tragedy feels like an atrocious understatement. I read one of the first reports that came out about it and not a single thing more. I stayed away from facebook. I couldn't watch or listen to the news. What happened... destroyed me. I felt physically ill. I was in tears on and off throughout the weekend, clutching my daughter. Shaking my head as I bit my lower lip trying to keep myself from completely losing my shit, again and again. I don't even know how to process what happened. All I can do is pray for those beautiful little babies, and all of the victims, and their families. This has to stop. IT JUST HAS TO.  

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Oh Hey, I Quit My Job

Say WHAAA?

Yep. Quit. Quit. Quit.

I gave my notice back in October, but I offered to stay long enough to hire and train a new person. My last day with my current company will be December 19th... It's bananas. I've been with this company for over seven years. And I've had a job for the last eighteen, plus. 

BUT. 

What an amazing opportunity I have before me. And I am so ridiculously proud of and grateful for my husband who is making it possible. He's done an amazing job building his business and we're at the beginning of seeing it start to pay off. I'm not going to lie, it's still going to be tricky financially. It will require a lot of tweaking to our budget, but I have already made the bulk of the adjustments already. It's scary to rely solely on my husband's business, since I have always been the one to bring in the steady check and Health Insurance. But we are both prepared for the sacrifices ahead. And we know they will be so fricken worth it.

I'm going to be a SAHM!!!!