We made it to both of our planned destinations, but not once did I stop thinking about bolting out the front door. I wanted to run away. To bury my face in Brian's chest and open my eyes when it was all over, and safe to be sad again. I don't want smile. I want to grieve the time that we lost this year, and all the failed cycles we had. I'm just so tired. I want to go to sleep and wake up when it's time to cycle again. So I'll have had a break, but not actually have to experience it. And I won't have to remember that yet again, there's no chance for us this month. I'm so tired.
Friday, December 25, 2009
The Longest Day
Well, *deep breath* we made it through Christmas Day, and we're home now. I've been dreading today all month. What was once one of my favorite holidays, is now only a painful reminder that we're still only a family of two. And my heart aches so badly for more. I love both of our families, but I would have been so much happier lying in bed all day instead of having to put on a happy face. Pretending that everything is okay, that there's no gaping hole in my chest, that watching happy movies doesn't make me sad because there's a happy family buried somewhere in the plot, and it only reminds me of what we're missing.
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22 comments:
I feel like you took a page right out of my life here. And it made things even worse when my parents kept making comments that started with "some day when we have grandchildren..." *sigh*
((HUGS))
So sorry.
I get to see my 5 month pregnant sister today for Christmas. I'm excited about Christmas, just not seeing her pregnant. It's like if I dont see her I just forget she is pregnant at all!
oh sweetie! when I read this post it just made my heart hurt! brought back memories for me- what u said stuck in my head that it was "safe to be sad again" I soooo know how that feels and that is such a wonderful way to put it! I just want to reach through the computer and give you a hug. I do not know where you are on your journey I will have to did in to your blog more and find out, but I just wanted you to know I am sorry you are sad.
You took the words out of my mouth. I hate putting on a happy face and pretending like everything is great...because its NOT. ((HUGS))
Sorry to hear yesterday was a tough day. I can relate. We were at a large family gathering. When the 8 kids were opening all their presents, I just started to cry. I had been good up until that point. Next year is our year!
I am so sorry you had such a tough day. You actually reminded me how fortunate I am to be so far away from all our family and friends. We spent another holiday of just the two of us (thanks to locale!). I am sending you all the love I can.
((Hugs)) to you. I'm sorry the day was so rough. I hope this was the last Christmas when you had so much pain and sorrow. Hopefully next Christmas you will have reasons to be excited and reasons to look forward to waking up on Christmas!
If you want to get together and vent / crib - just holler!
((Hugs)) to you. I'm sorry the day was so rough. I hope this was the last Christmas when you had so much pain and sorrow. Hopefully next Christmas you will have reasons to be excited and reasons to look forward to waking up on Christmas!
If you want to get together and vent / crib - just holler!
You DID make it, and that's a feat to be proud of accomplishing. The day is past and 2009 will soon be over. 2010 can be completely different. ((HUGS)) Melissa.
You made it through a really tough day (season really). I know that is tough, especially because sometimes the only thing that makes it feel "better" is to just wallow in the sadness of it all. Many hugs to you.
Here via ICLW.
I'm so sorry! Glad that you were able to make it through the day in one piece, although not without scars. Your description is so full of emotion...it makes me cry. Huge Hugs to you...I hope that it's time to cycle again quickly and that your time is very near!
ICLW
I'm so sorry. I know the pain of IF and Christmas...well, really ANY holiday anymore.
Thinking of you.
Oh, I'm so sorry you're feeling so badly and that Christmas was so hard and painful. I wish there was something I could say that would help, but nothing will I know. I am sending you lots of hugs and thinking of you.
I'm glad you made it through. And, I'm really glad your taking a break. It's hard to do, and I know it may feel "unproductive", but you need it. Lots of hugs to you.
((Hugs)) I'm sorry it was rough. I felt the same way this year.
ICLW
I hate that this was such a hard year for you! Praying that 2010 is a better one for you!
Stacy
ICLW
Glad you made it, sweetie. Rest up now and praying wonderful things for you in the new year!
Reading your post reminds me just how difficult the holidays are for the IF. It is bad enough that your heart is being torn to pieces, but then to feel like you need to put on a happy face and fake your way through the holiday feels like insanity. My heart goes out to you both and I am right there with you on kicking 2009 out the door. I hope you find peace and healing in 2010 and that this is the year. ((Many Hugs))
I know it's tough ... ((BIG HUGS))
ICLW
Yes, I feel very similar. I don't want to see happy family events. I'm so sorry this was such a hard time for you.
Sweetie, I'm so sorry. :(
I know that feeling of a gaping hole in your chest and happy movies with happy families inadvertently causing pain.
I truly hope the new year brings wonderful surprises in store for you. I will hoping this with all my might!
Here for you anytime...XO
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