The Unexpected

So I think it's fair to say Christmas was definitely a low point for me. I'm a little embarrassed about my post because it was so raw, but I don't under any circumstance, regret it. That's how I felt in that very moment. And as much as I wish I didn't have to hurt so much, it is was it is. I do want to thank you all for your incredibly thoughtful and supportive comments. I wish I could properly express just how very much they mean to me.

I've felt a lot better since writing that post. I've been able to really see how beneficial this break is going to be for me and Brian. I'm looking forward to not having any monitoring appointments or popping any pills- orally or otherwise. I'm also looking forward to a consistent flow of wine. And rebelling against everything I've felt as an infertile, I'm finding a sort of peace in knowing that any twinge I feel below means nothing. No wondering how many follicles I'll get, or having a two week wait to endure. I'm learning to let it all go. I don't know where this sense of calm came from. But I could tell it was real because I wasn't worried anymore about how soon we'd be able to cycle again. And I knew that even if we had the money I wouldn't want to cycle this month. Or even the month after that. And yes the fact that we're in between RE's effects whether or not we're doing treatments. But I feel like that is just another reason to support this break. My sense of peace and acceptance of this hiatus is pretty unexpected. I was sort of prepared to be tortured by knowing I wouldn't have any of the things that I just listed. But for some reason I just felt like I was going to be okay.

I can honestly say that a lot things that happened to us this year were unexpected. Choosing to use Donor Insemination to start our family. The support I've found in the IF blogosphere. Six failed IUI cycles. Okay I'll admit that I always knew the failed cycles were a possibility, but definitely not six of them in a row. Another thing I didn't see coming was the incredible generosity we would encounter sometimes from unlikely sources.

I don't often talk about my childhood, but I feel like there are a few things in my past that are relevant to the rest of this post. My parents divorced when I was four, and my dad got custody of my brother and I. My best friend Teresa and her family lived down the street from me for most of my life, and I always thought of myself as part of their family. Teresa's mother is one of the warmest, and most genuine women you could ever hope to meet. And she's always been like a mother to me. Of course her father is wonderful too. He's an amazing man, and love him to pieces. I just have so much respect for them. They live a very honest life, and I think they raised a couple of amazing children. I haven't ever really talked to them directly about our situation, mostly because the times that I see them are in very social situations and just inappropriate for the setting. But I knew that they knew, and in passing her mom told me she was praying for us. Which I was grateful for. There was always a sort of advocacy in her eyes, an unspoken vow of support that was clear as day when ever she kissed me hello. But when she and her husband came to my office yesterday, and pulled me into a private room, I had no idea what they were about to do. They started by telling me how much they love Brian and I, and how badly they want to see us succeed at starting a family. And while they were doing that, "mom" reached into her purse, pulled out an envelope, and slid it across the table to me. While their generosity is no surprise, this gesture was thoroughly unexpected. I won't say how much it was, but I'll tell you it's more than enough to get a good start on our next cycle. We fully intend to pay them back, and while they said they weren't expecting it, we feel it's something we must do. Not because of the monetary value alone, but based on the principal of repaying their generosity. They've already done so much for me, in so many ways. I'm just overwhelmed by their compassion and kindness.

Then today, while still riding the high of yesterdays surprise, I got a call from Brian while I was at work. The type of work he does involves working closely with people in their homes. One of his most recent clients, is a lesbian couple who used donor insemination to start their family. Brian is an incredibly open person, and has had more than one conversation with them about our struggles, which I was well aware of. But imagine my surprise when he called to tell me that they had offered us their remainder vials. Now there is A LOT involved in considering their offer, but again I feel overwhelmed at the gesture of their generosity. Not only is that a gift worth a lot of money, but we could potentially share a genetic link with their children... That is a big gift, and a huge leap of faith.

I just don't know what to say. I'm so very overwhelmed by the recent gifts that we have been offered. I hardly know how to express my love, and gratitude... I feel so, so lucky. This is all just so unexpected. If for some reason I don't sound appropriately grateful it's because I am still in shock. Actually,"in shock" doesn't even begin to cover it.