Strong Enough

We're supposed to visit some good friends this afternoon. Their baby girl is a week old today. In anticipation of her birth I bought a gift about a month ago. So that I wouldn't have to handle shopping for the gift, and enduring a visit in the same period of time. It would just be too hard. I bought her some Sharks onesies. Something I had anticipated buying for ourselves for a very, very long time. Her daddy is a big Sharks fan, and I knew how much he would appreciate it. But since the day that I got them I've wanted to return them. It feels like a purchase I should have waited to make until it was finally our turn. Like somehow buying those clothes for someone else was a resignation or an abandonment of a dream. If I decide to get them something else, I will donate the Sharks stuff.

I can't keep it here.

We're struggling with the impending visit, and at this moment debating whether it is something we can withstand at all. And it makes me feel like an awful friend. It makes me feel weaker than I know I am, and also selfish.

But today isn't just Sunday, the day we're supposed to meet our friend's new baby. It's also my second Blogiversary. And I find that I'm feeling very conflicted about it. On one hand I can't imagine my life without all of you in it. The friendships I've made here are deeply cherished and more than I ever anticipated; imperative to my well being. I'm grateful for the history it has recorded. It's a constant reminder of how amazing my husband is. I truly believe that Brian is my soul mate, and he's made me a better person in every way possible. And as horrendous as infertility is, it's made us infinitely stronger.

While I continue to feel appreciative for all those things, today I can't help but regard this place as a potent relic filled with anguish, and despair, and failure. Sometimes the thought of how much I've shared here is overwhelming, and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. And all at once sorrow when I realize how much time has actually gone by.

I don't quite know how else to say it. Today is flooded with disappointment. Disappointment that another year has gone by and we still have an empty spare bedroom. And disappointment from letting a friend down. If we don't show, I'm sure they'll forgive us, but I know this is a day I will never forget.

Crossroads

I totally meant update sooner, but I spent the entire weekend in bed with a NASTY cold. What started as a slightly stuffy nose on Friday (I have allergies, so a stuffy nose is fairly common for me), turned into a full blown head cold by Saturday. It fucking sucks. Anyway, Friday was a very long day but I will try to do my best to break down each appointment despite the fog of my head cold.

A Little Secret
I began the appointment for my pap smear by arriving 10 minutes late. I'm typically the type to get there 20 minutes early, but the recent onslaught of storms has massacred the morning commute in the bay area. Fortunately I think my tardiness only resulted in less time that I'd spend in a paper gown. When my doctor came in we chatted briefly, but before she got started on my examination she noted on my chart that I wasn't using any contraceptives. When I explained to her that I'd been trying to get pregnant for two and a half years and just wrapped up six failed dIUI's, she shook her head, and looked down at the floor as she began to tell me about the four IVF cycles she had completed several years ago. She explained that she was older when she started trying so she knew it wouldn't be easy. Her first IVF cycle resulted in a chemical pregnancy which required a D&C. Just two days after her D&C she had to go back to work and delivered four babies over the course of two days. She said she bawled after every single delivery that weekend. Her next IVF resulted in her son. The one after that was a BFN. And the one after that resulted in twins, thanks to donor eggs.

I was astonished that she was so willing share her journey with a patient, maybe she just took pity on a fallen comrade. Whatever her reason I was, and am grateful for her honesty. Anyway, the appointment ended with both of us in tears although not necessarily sad tears.

Dr. Do Little
The second appointment was with the OBGYN, and Brian joined me. I'm still not sure what to say about this guy. I left the appointment kind of shaking my head. His only saving grace is that he works somewhat closely with the honorable Dr. Zouves, and even referred to him as his "mentor". Basically he thinks my issues may be immunological, and wants to run a boatload of blood tests to prove it. Fortunately he took pity on us and our crappy insurance situation and offered to file the blood tests under "Infectious Diseases", instead of "Infertility" so that our insurance would cover it.

He never really even got in to what our plan of action would be, he just did a lot of babbling about Natural Killer Cells. Which I'm not blowing off. I just don't much about it. I was impressed when he said that since implementing the immunology practices, his miscarriage rate has gone down from 33% to 20%. I still don't know about this guy though ...

Dr. Deja Vu
Despite being 20 minutes late this doctor was pretty awesome. He went over all of our test results and explained what everything meant. He also did an u/s "off the books" since our appointment was being paid for out of pocket. We were grateful for that. He wanted to take a look at my lining and check my antra-follicle count. Just like my test results, and just like we heard before - "Everything looks great" and "There doesn't appear to be any issues"... He did however suggest that Brian go to see a urologist. If not for fertility sake, just to make sure there are no other issues. He also said this doctor could confirm/define any chromosomal issues. Which is a whole other post in and of itself.

He wrapped up the appointment by telling us our options: Injectable dIUI's with a 20% success rate at $2,500. Orrrrrrrr. IVF with Brian's sperm, with a 40% success rate at $15,000. And this is where it gets complicated.

SERIOUSLY?!
This is literally, the exact same situation we were in last January. We need to make the decision between a moderately affordable dIUI that we could do as soon as we're ready (emotionally). Or we wait for an undefinable amount of time,(possibly a year) while we save up for IVF, but we should be able to use Brian's sperm.

The main reasons we decided in dIUI before were because:

A. IVF would be very difficult on us financially (Still is)
B. We were concerned about genetic issues that could be passed on to our children. Brian may have Marfan Syndrome, (we're going to get that officially diagnosed this week) He also has two very close relatives that are mentally handicapped. *This is something we were fully aware of when we started TTC, and just decided we'd be happy to have any child we were blessed with. But when Brian's SA's came back abnormal, our concerns about what could be passed on became greater.
C.Because IVF would be so difficult financially, we were having a difficult time justifying the 40-50% success rate over the financial risk. And it would mean we'd have to wait that much longer to get this show on the road.

I'll be completely honest and say that I am pretty lost at this point. The thought of Brian being the biological father makes my heart sing. But I'm still having a hard time justifying the financial risk and the time lapse. What if we take the next year off to save for IVF, and it doesn't work? Then not only we will we be extremely heartbroken and another year into this mess, but we'll be out 15k and have nothing to show for it... Part of me feels like if we're going to gamble on 15k we should just put it towards adoption - which has an exorbitantly higher rate of us coming home with an actual child. But I just don't know...

May I just say once again, just how fucking much infertility sucks.

Three Doctors and an Infertile Walk into a Bar...

First of all, if you had today off for MLK, I hate you. Where ever you are, I hate you. I'm so exhausted and there is a big storm heading into the Bay Area. Today should have been filled with movies from the 80's and Top Ramen, and I should still be in pajama's from the night before!!!

But it wasn't. And I had to work. Meh. The only consolation is that this is still a four day work week for me. I'm taking Friday off. Not to watch movies and eat ramen. But to shop for a new RE.

My first appointment and order of business is with my GP. Time for my annual pap Smear. Fun, Fun. I was technically supposed to go in October, but I was SO sure I would be newly pregnant by then that I kept blowing it off. Yes, I know you can get a pap smear while you're pregnant, not that I need to worry about that now. Oh and I'm looking forward to the conversation with my doctor as our last one was right before we were sent to an RE. So I'll get to rehash all the goings on from the crappiest year of my life thus far. Remind me to get a mocha before I head in there, the elevation in blood sugar should keep me happy enough to refrain from gauging out my own eye's while I sit freezing in my paper gown waiting for my doctor who's always at least 25 minutes late.

Appointment deux, is with a local OBGYN, who was recommended by a friend who had a successful IUI with him. She delivered a healthy baby boy last month. I know, I know what you're thinking: An OB? Not an RE?! Has she gone quietly mad?! I assure you that when I go, it will most definitely not be quietly, and you'll all be the first to know. So this OB does a lot of the standard practices for IUI's that my RE would have, only this guys waiting room is not overlooking Alcatraz and the Bay Bridge. He maintains a practice outside of the hospital, and has fantastic reviews from my friend who's a mom because of him, and from the local physician's websites I found. I called a few weeks ago to ask if they would be able to work with donor sperm, and got the head Nurse Practitioner on the phone. She must have spent a good 20-30 minutes on the phone discussing my history, and how tough infertility can be. And how she was sorry I had to go through all this.

When Brian suggested we go see this Doctor, I totally blew him off. I was like: "Why would we go waste our time and money with a regular ol' doctor? We should be seeing a specialist". But my chat with the NP completely disarmed me. She was eloquent, and very kind and extremely inquisitive about the variables of my cycle. She asked if they had done any other testing after my multiple failed cycles. Such as looking for a clotting disorder, or polyps. The testing she was asking me about makes me think that we have been doing everything wrong from the beginning and I'm starting to freak out about it.

Fuck I hate the testing phase, I know it's exciting to get answers, but I went through this before, and I'm terrified that something major could have been missed.

My third and final appointment is at a very prestigious hospital with a very reputable RE, that came highly recommended by two of my IF buddies. (Thank you Lau and Nikki) I feel very confident about this doctor, and also pretty intimidated.

I'm starting to seriously panic about these appointments. I'm afraid that these doctors are going to question everything we've done up to this point. That they'll tell us the IUI's were a waste of time, and that we never had to do donor. I've always felt very well informed on our situation but now I'm literally questioning everything. Ugh, Friday suddenly feels very far away.

Lastly I'd like to thank you all for your incredibly thoughtful and reassuring comments on my last post. I was really concerned about alienating anyone - especially people I care about. I'm grateful that so many of you shared that you had felt the same way at one point or another. And I'm grateful to be reminded yet again, that I am in no way alone in all this. Hugs.

Happy Time: O-V-E-R

I've been away from Fac.ebook for several months now, I'm sure you can all figure out why. Only popping in to accept a friend request or return a message. Until last week when I peeked with one eye open at my home page to see what some friends where up to. I was pleasantly surprised to see only the mundane mentionings of the coming weekend, and a picture of a new tattoo.

Then silly me, thinking that the water would be safe, I stuck a toe in this morning only to be greeted by TWO pregnancy announcements!!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?! I swear that place isn't going to be safe for me until I'm in menopause... And who knows if even then I'll be okay with it... Who can say how long IF will really stay with you. As of right now I can honestly say that I feel as though I am forever changed. I don't really think that pregnancy announcements will always sting as much as they do now, but I wonder how they will feel ten years from now, or even five. Will I still feel resentment for those who get pregnant easily?

And I have a confession to make... Lately I've started to feel a sting from announcements within the IF community... But it's not resentment. Those pregnancies, were hard won and I'm proud of the ladies who fought and finally won their battle. It's just that their happy news reminds me of what I'm still missing... And the longer I find myself sitting on the sidelines, the harder it is to keep sincerely cheering everyone else on. Ugh, I really hate admitting that, and I'm truly sorry if it hurts any ones feelings - that is most certainly not my intention. I feel like a complete asshole saying that, but I know if there's anywhere I can be 100% honest, it's here.

I really don't want those two announcements to bring me down, but damn it. I was hoping that being on a break would soften the blow of any news I got, because I wouldn't be knee deep in treatments or a tww. But they still suck just as much...

Okay. ENOUGH whining. Back to having some semblence of a normal life. I liked it a lot better that way. Being sad sucks.

No Refunds

I went in to the Blood Centers of the Pacific this morning for my first donation of Whole Blood. The appointment moved rather quickly once I got through the paperwork. They took my blood pressure, checked my iron and sent me over to the comfy lounge chairs where I began my donation. I barely got situated and into my book before the delicate chimes began and they told me I was all done. I couldn't believe how quickly it was all over. They asked me to stay in the chair for a few minutes and then escorted me to the cafeteria area. I had my choice of several juices, and a basket full of high calorie sugary and salty treats. I picked up my book where I had left off when suddenly, I noticed the lights dimming. I mentioned to the girl next to me that I was feeling a little light headed and the next thing I know there were four people in lab coats standing over me, calling my name, and placing cold compresses on my neck and forehead.

Literally the last thing I remember was struggling to tell a stranger I wasn't feeling well, and the stranger telling me she'd see if she could get somebody. Apparently when she came back, she and a lab tech found me slumped over in my chair still holding my cup of juice. (Thank god I didn't fall out of my chair and crack my skull open or something!) So they pulled me out of my chair and laid me down on the floor. Once I came to they helped me remove my jacket as I was sweating profusely. While I laid there, staring into the florescent lighting I watched people silently scurrying around me. Turning on a portable fan, to help with my sweating. Setting up a privacy screen, which I sort of think was more to shield me from scaring off other new donors, rather than to save what was left of my pride. They took my blood pressure again, which apparently was disturbingly lower than when I came in.

I laid there for almost an hour while they continued to check my blood pressure every 15 minutes. The one tech who stayed with me was very kind, but needlessly honest. When I was finally lucid enough to begin feeling embarrassed I asked him if my incident happened often and he didn't hesitate to tell me no. That in fact it didn't happen very often at all. Just then another donor poked his head in and told me he threw up in his own lap after his first donation, which he thought was much more embarrassing than passing out in a chair. Although I have to agree with him, it was not so easy to accept while I was still laying on the checkered linoleum.

After some questioning it was determined that I had not drank or eaten enough before I came in. As well as the fact that my donation went faster than it should have. Probably because I was a little nervous. They said they like to see a pint withdrawn in about 7 - 10 minutes. Mine only took four. Just an unfortunate combination of circumstances, I suppose.

They finally were able to get me to sit up enough so they could transfer me to a bench I could lay down on. Shortly after that someone called Brian to come pick me up. There was no way they were going to let me drive home, and I wasn't about to disagree with them. When Brian came in, he looked down and smiled and asked the tech how many gallons they took. He told him it was just the one pint, but that they didn't offer refunds. Deposits only, he said smiling and cautiously laughing.

They helped Brian walk me and my things out to his truck, and told him to take me across the street to IN and OUT to get some fries with extra salt and a milk shake. They asked me to eat frequently for the rest of the day, especially foods rich and salt and to drink plenty of liquids, like water and juice.

I spent the rest of the day in bed, watching movies and debating whether or not I would blog about my fun filled day. I decided that it would be best to post about it so that anyone else who might be considering donating, would know to gorge themselves before heading off to a clinic. Even if the moron receptionist they spoke to a week before said there was nothing in particular they needed to do to prepare before coming in to donate for the very first time, EVER.

I'm Late

For International Blog Delurking Week.

What did you think was late? My period?! BWAAAHAHAAHA!!!

Sheooooot I don't even know what cycle day I'm on, but I know it's way too early to see that bitch! You've just entered TTC vacation territory friend, and let me tell you the water is warmer than my belly after a lovely glass of Vodka neat.

Follow me, I'll give you the nickel tour... On my left we have a Yoga class where I won't have to worry about squishing or distressing a potential fetus. Followed by books that have nothing to do with infertility or trying to get pregnant. After that there is a glass, and sometimes even a half a bottle of wine. Red or White. Depends on what I'm cooking. Then on my right, we have a modest amount of soft cheeses, (cause I'm trying to watch my girlish figure) but dayum I forgot how good Feta tastes on a salad. And the grand finale of: Idon'thavetaplantherestofmymontharoundpoppingpillsorgettingintostirrups.

So far this break is going SO much better than I had anticipated. Every day I feel better and better. I've really been able to focus in on everything I enjoyed before my life was consumed by Infertility. You might remember the list I created a few weeks ago when I talked about the things I would do to better myself if I had to take a break? Well I'm proud to say that I have made a reasonable dent in that list.

1. Donate Blood: I'm going in on Saturday. I'm O+.

2. Lose some weight: Already going well, I've lost about three pounds to date. I'll be putting up a ticker shortly to help keep myself motivated.

3. Try Yoga. Started on Monday - it's great. Would you believe that Brian is doing the class with me? I really think it's going to be great for him as well.

4. Mend my broken heart. She's getting there. Today is probably the best one so far. Not for any particular reason. I just feel good. But I am completely aware that I still have a very long road ahead of me.

5. Read More. I have three new books, and three that have been at my house for MONTHS that I never got around too. I've started one, so I'm going to do my best to get as far as I can this weekend. I'm a sloooooooow reader, so I know I won't be able to finish it by Monday.

So anyway, back to the topic at hand. Delurking. We're all guilty of it. Please give me a little wave just to let me know you're there. You don't have to leave a monologue, just a simple "present" will do. Or you can recommend another book for me to read.

And I promise to do some delurking as well.

A Reevaluation

It's amazing what a single conversation can do. How is it that being presented with a simple question, can suddenly change your outlook or assessment of something you felt so strongly about before? This morning I was lucky enough to meet up with the lovely and ever genuine Hillary, at Making Me Mom. She was in town for the holiday weekend and was gracious enough to squeeze in a coffee with me. (Umm by the way, Starbucks is no longer serving the Carmel Brulee Latte. - I know! I almost cried.)

There is such a unique feeling when you meet another IF blogger. Here is this person whom you've never met, but share a life altering circumstance with. So particular is this condition, that it seems only the people afflicted by it can understand where you're coming from. Cultures, religion, or diagnosis have no bearing on this bond you've discovered. The conversations are easy, (once you get passed the meeting-a-complete-stranger jitters. Maybe that's just me though) and there is little space between each thought or sentence.

Shortly into our meeting, Hillary asked me what my thoughts and feelings were about 2009, 2010 and the year ahead. (Since she's out of town she hadn't been able to catch my recent disparaging, and profanity laden post about last year. That's probably a not a bad thing though.) It's sounds like a relatively simple question, but the answer honestly stumped me. I'd been spending so much time resenting 2009, that I forgotten to look ahead at what might be. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty pissed about 2009, but having to discuss it in a civilized conversation made me realize that not all of last year sucked. My husband started his own business, which is something we'd been working towards for a very long time. It's exciting and terrifying all wrapped in to one. I was in the room when my best friend's baby was born, that was pretty incredible. We've seen a few really good concerts (which is very important to me)... Other than that whole not getting pregnant part- life was just life, and truly - not all that terrible. It wasn't as if I had wasted any time; things just didn't work out like we'd hoped they would. Do I wish we had been a leeeettle more aggressive with treatments? Hell to the Y-E-S. But I don't think we did anything really wrong with them...

And as for 2010, well right now, I'm feeling pretty hopeful. Maybe it's because I haven't looked much passed my Yahoo horoscope. Or maybe because it's only January 2nd, and there hasn't been anything to screw it up. But I'm going to break precedence and therefore my first order of business will not be to obsessively plan out the next six months in terms of cycles and finances (Brian is probably jumping up and down right now), but to enjoy the things I used to do before trying to make a baby took over. Cooking, listening to music, and just being my husbands wife. I need to find me again. And I feel lucky that I have the good sense to do so. You see, receiving that gift from our friends has taken a large part of the uncertainty out of how we will approach our next round of treatments. Now we can move forward when we're ready, not when we finally have some money. It's such a HUGE relief to know we won't be held back because of our finances. That check is so much more than a few extra zero's in a bank account. It took the pressure off of when our next round will begin. And I feel so incredibly lucky and grateful to be able to say that.

So thank you Hillary, for helping me see what's really important. Here's to 2010, May it not suck like last year. May a little hope go a long way, and help to bring each of us our hearts desire.