Too Close For Missiles, Switching To Guns

While I haven't exactly hung my hat on the idea that aspirating my cyst will be the answer to my prayers,  the concept of it getting me to the point of finally being able to start stims and actually finish this cycle has at the very least, appeased the impatient foot stomping 12 year old in me.


This week began promising when I noticed spotting first thing Monday morning. Though it was pretty light, it seemed promising enough. By yesterday morning however, it was gone. Since my lining was at 4mm last Thursday, part of me wonders if that was a period... Dr.3 said nothing of spotting, he specifically told me to look for a period, so who knows. I sent my nurse an email to let her know about the spotting and to ask if there's anything I need to know or do for prep. I'll go in Sunday around 11:30am, and pray that this will be the nail in that whorebag's 27mm coffin. 


In the mean time, Brian and I have taken our first tiny step towards Foster Adoption. The county we live in holds orientations twice per month, so we agreed to go to the first one in April and I emailed an RSVP for that date as well as requesting an information packet. I don't know how close we are to moving forward, or if I/we are even 100% ready to move in that direction yet. Part me thinks it's my way of giving this cycle a hardy Johnny Cash-esque, middle finger coping with the monumental disaster that is our first attempt at IVF. And a small part of me sees our four year ttc anniversary steadily approaching and can't imagine drinking my way through one more of them without having something solid in the pipeline. It's just fucking time for us to be parents. I can't take this limbo shit anymore. 


Anyway. Wish me luck on Sunday. And if you've been through it before I'd be grateful for any tips or warnings. Thank you all again for your unwavering support. I'm just so grateful for all of you. 

Not Even Close

I've entered the loneliest place in my head yet again. It's the room where everyone has it better than me, and I wonder what we've done in our past lives to deserve all this heartache.

Friday night we went to one of my husbands client's houses for dinner. They have two ADORABLE kids. The oldest, a little girl who took right to me. She made almost constant eye contact with me hoping I was paying attention to whatever she was doing at the moment, and she wore my size 11 flip flops the entire night. Later in the evening, close to her bedtime, she got upset while playing a game and she began to cry. Her mother came over to comfort her, scoping her up into her arms, and whispering softly to ease her pain and turn her tears into laughter again. After a few minutes of rocking and a reluctant smile, mom convinced her to go get her prettiest nightgown on to show me.

"Sorry about that, they just cry really easily when they get tired".

I realize now that by the look I must have had on my face she thought I was upset by the little girl's crying. But I get that, hell I cry when I'm overtired - it was witnessing such a tender moment that killed me. Watching her rock, and whisper her daughters tears away is something I ache for to the very depths of my soul. And on the way home it crushed me even more to realize I'm not even close to being able to do that. I cried myself to sleep that night, and I haven't been able to shake it since. It really feels like it's never going to happen for us.

I know this break is important for healing, but how long is it really going to be? Is it just till we have enough money to actually do something? But what's 'enough' anyway? We've been talking recently about moving on to adoption, and while I'm very open to that, it feels like the more we deliberate over our options the father away we are from taking a real step. I feel lost again.

Crossroads

I totally meant update sooner, but I spent the entire weekend in bed with a NASTY cold. What started as a slightly stuffy nose on Friday (I have allergies, so a stuffy nose is fairly common for me), turned into a full blown head cold by Saturday. It fucking sucks. Anyway, Friday was a very long day but I will try to do my best to break down each appointment despite the fog of my head cold.

A Little Secret
I began the appointment for my pap smear by arriving 10 minutes late. I'm typically the type to get there 20 minutes early, but the recent onslaught of storms has massacred the morning commute in the bay area. Fortunately I think my tardiness only resulted in less time that I'd spend in a paper gown. When my doctor came in we chatted briefly, but before she got started on my examination she noted on my chart that I wasn't using any contraceptives. When I explained to her that I'd been trying to get pregnant for two and a half years and just wrapped up six failed dIUI's, she shook her head, and looked down at the floor as she began to tell me about the four IVF cycles she had completed several years ago. She explained that she was older when she started trying so she knew it wouldn't be easy. Her first IVF cycle resulted in a chemical pregnancy which required a D&C. Just two days after her D&C she had to go back to work and delivered four babies over the course of two days. She said she bawled after every single delivery that weekend. Her next IVF resulted in her son. The one after that was a BFN. And the one after that resulted in twins, thanks to donor eggs.

I was astonished that she was so willing share her journey with a patient, maybe she just took pity on a fallen comrade. Whatever her reason I was, and am grateful for her honesty. Anyway, the appointment ended with both of us in tears although not necessarily sad tears.

Dr. Do Little
The second appointment was with the OBGYN, and Brian joined me. I'm still not sure what to say about this guy. I left the appointment kind of shaking my head. His only saving grace is that he works somewhat closely with the honorable Dr. Zouves, and even referred to him as his "mentor". Basically he thinks my issues may be immunological, and wants to run a boatload of blood tests to prove it. Fortunately he took pity on us and our crappy insurance situation and offered to file the blood tests under "Infectious Diseases", instead of "Infertility" so that our insurance would cover it.

He never really even got in to what our plan of action would be, he just did a lot of babbling about Natural Killer Cells. Which I'm not blowing off. I just don't much about it. I was impressed when he said that since implementing the immunology practices, his miscarriage rate has gone down from 33% to 20%. I still don't know about this guy though ...

Dr. Deja Vu
Despite being 20 minutes late this doctor was pretty awesome. He went over all of our test results and explained what everything meant. He also did an u/s "off the books" since our appointment was being paid for out of pocket. We were grateful for that. He wanted to take a look at my lining and check my antra-follicle count. Just like my test results, and just like we heard before - "Everything looks great" and "There doesn't appear to be any issues"... He did however suggest that Brian go to see a urologist. If not for fertility sake, just to make sure there are no other issues. He also said this doctor could confirm/define any chromosomal issues. Which is a whole other post in and of itself.

He wrapped up the appointment by telling us our options: Injectable dIUI's with a 20% success rate at $2,500. Orrrrrrrr. IVF with Brian's sperm, with a 40% success rate at $15,000. And this is where it gets complicated.

SERIOUSLY?!
This is literally, the exact same situation we were in last January. We need to make the decision between a moderately affordable dIUI that we could do as soon as we're ready (emotionally). Or we wait for an undefinable amount of time,(possibly a year) while we save up for IVF, but we should be able to use Brian's sperm.

The main reasons we decided in dIUI before were because:

A. IVF would be very difficult on us financially (Still is)
B. We were concerned about genetic issues that could be passed on to our children. Brian may have Marfan Syndrome, (we're going to get that officially diagnosed this week) He also has two very close relatives that are mentally handicapped. *This is something we were fully aware of when we started TTC, and just decided we'd be happy to have any child we were blessed with. But when Brian's SA's came back abnormal, our concerns about what could be passed on became greater.
C.Because IVF would be so difficult financially, we were having a difficult time justifying the 40-50% success rate over the financial risk. And it would mean we'd have to wait that much longer to get this show on the road.

I'll be completely honest and say that I am pretty lost at this point. The thought of Brian being the biological father makes my heart sing. But I'm still having a hard time justifying the financial risk and the time lapse. What if we take the next year off to save for IVF, and it doesn't work? Then not only we will we be extremely heartbroken and another year into this mess, but we'll be out 15k and have nothing to show for it... Part of me feels like if we're going to gamble on 15k we should just put it towards adoption - which has an exorbitantly higher rate of us coming home with an actual child. But I just don't know...

May I just say once again, just how fucking much infertility sucks.

Making Plans

I'd just like to say one thing before I get into the cycle gab, if you haven't tried the Caramel Brulee Latte from Starbucks, DO IT, do it NOW. They are f'ing fantastic!

Anyway... So I did email Dr. C. The long and short of it is that I expressed my frustration over the timing of my IUI's and lack of attention from him. And he politely explained that their timing methods are proven, but conceded that not all cycles are the same, and agreed to change up the timing with this next cycle. He's very nice and extremely tactful when dealing with crazy unpregnant women. But that doesn't change the fact that we will be looking for a new RE if this cycle doesn't work. He's not the whole reason we'll be shopping, honestly driving up to the city several times a month is getting REALLY old. I know we're lucky that it's not hours away and we have more than two choices of clinics within 30 miles, but inconvenience is relative, right?. If I can go to an equally impressive clinic and not have to put up with traffic and expensive parking, then I'm going to take advantage of that...

And speaking of moving on, Brian and I have been talking a lot about what our next steps are going to be. We're both completely aware that our IUI's days are probably numbered. We assume it's only a matter of time before they recommend that we move on to IVF. We've discussed it a lot and both feel that at that point we'd probably just move on to adoption. We of course love the idea of me being pregnant some day, but our ultimate goal is to be a family. We just want children in our lives... However they may come. Financially IVF is going to be very difficult for us to afford, so if we're going to shell out 20k, we'd prefer it go to something with higher odds of us ending up with a baby. I guess we're just super conservative that way. And none of this is set in stone, we're not ready to stop doing treatments. I'd really like to move on to injectables with our next round of IUI's, but it's also good to have a plan.

As for Brian and I, we're doing a lot better. I think the fact that I am slowly emerging from the fog has been helpful, but the counseling is making a significant difference as well. It's nice to feel close again. I missed him so much. Brian thank you for putting up with my crazy. I promise someday all this heartache will be worth it some how. When we're grandparents, maybe... I love you dear.