Crossroads

I totally meant update sooner, but I spent the entire weekend in bed with a NASTY cold. What started as a slightly stuffy nose on Friday (I have allergies, so a stuffy nose is fairly common for me), turned into a full blown head cold by Saturday. It fucking sucks. Anyway, Friday was a very long day but I will try to do my best to break down each appointment despite the fog of my head cold.

A Little Secret
I began the appointment for my pap smear by arriving 10 minutes late. I'm typically the type to get there 20 minutes early, but the recent onslaught of storms has massacred the morning commute in the bay area. Fortunately I think my tardiness only resulted in less time that I'd spend in a paper gown. When my doctor came in we chatted briefly, but before she got started on my examination she noted on my chart that I wasn't using any contraceptives. When I explained to her that I'd been trying to get pregnant for two and a half years and just wrapped up six failed dIUI's, she shook her head, and looked down at the floor as she began to tell me about the four IVF cycles she had completed several years ago. She explained that she was older when she started trying so she knew it wouldn't be easy. Her first IVF cycle resulted in a chemical pregnancy which required a D&C. Just two days after her D&C she had to go back to work and delivered four babies over the course of two days. She said she bawled after every single delivery that weekend. Her next IVF resulted in her son. The one after that was a BFN. And the one after that resulted in twins, thanks to donor eggs.

I was astonished that she was so willing share her journey with a patient, maybe she just took pity on a fallen comrade. Whatever her reason I was, and am grateful for her honesty. Anyway, the appointment ended with both of us in tears although not necessarily sad tears.

Dr. Do Little
The second appointment was with the OBGYN, and Brian joined me. I'm still not sure what to say about this guy. I left the appointment kind of shaking my head. His only saving grace is that he works somewhat closely with the honorable Dr. Zouves, and even referred to him as his "mentor". Basically he thinks my issues may be immunological, and wants to run a boatload of blood tests to prove it. Fortunately he took pity on us and our crappy insurance situation and offered to file the blood tests under "Infectious Diseases", instead of "Infertility" so that our insurance would cover it.

He never really even got in to what our plan of action would be, he just did a lot of babbling about Natural Killer Cells. Which I'm not blowing off. I just don't much about it. I was impressed when he said that since implementing the immunology practices, his miscarriage rate has gone down from 33% to 20%. I still don't know about this guy though ...

Dr. Deja Vu
Despite being 20 minutes late this doctor was pretty awesome. He went over all of our test results and explained what everything meant. He also did an u/s "off the books" since our appointment was being paid for out of pocket. We were grateful for that. He wanted to take a look at my lining and check my antra-follicle count. Just like my test results, and just like we heard before - "Everything looks great" and "There doesn't appear to be any issues"... He did however suggest that Brian go to see a urologist. If not for fertility sake, just to make sure there are no other issues. He also said this doctor could confirm/define any chromosomal issues. Which is a whole other post in and of itself.

He wrapped up the appointment by telling us our options: Injectable dIUI's with a 20% success rate at $2,500. Orrrrrrrr. IVF with Brian's sperm, with a 40% success rate at $15,000. And this is where it gets complicated.

SERIOUSLY?!
This is literally, the exact same situation we were in last January. We need to make the decision between a moderately affordable dIUI that we could do as soon as we're ready (emotionally). Or we wait for an undefinable amount of time,(possibly a year) while we save up for IVF, but we should be able to use Brian's sperm.

The main reasons we decided in dIUI before were because:

A. IVF would be very difficult on us financially (Still is)
B. We were concerned about genetic issues that could be passed on to our children. Brian may have Marfan Syndrome, (we're going to get that officially diagnosed this week) He also has two very close relatives that are mentally handicapped. *This is something we were fully aware of when we started TTC, and just decided we'd be happy to have any child we were blessed with. But when Brian's SA's came back abnormal, our concerns about what could be passed on became greater.
C.Because IVF would be so difficult financially, we were having a difficult time justifying the 40-50% success rate over the financial risk. And it would mean we'd have to wait that much longer to get this show on the road.

I'll be completely honest and say that I am pretty lost at this point. The thought of Brian being the biological father makes my heart sing. But I'm still having a hard time justifying the financial risk and the time lapse. What if we take the next year off to save for IVF, and it doesn't work? Then not only we will we be extremely heartbroken and another year into this mess, but we'll be out 15k and have nothing to show for it... Part of me feels like if we're going to gamble on 15k we should just put it towards adoption - which has an exorbitantly higher rate of us coming home with an actual child. But I just don't know...

May I just say once again, just how fucking much infertility sucks.

Christmas Cardless

I have been dreading the idea of Christmas cards for about 3 months now. Giving and receiving...

After each failed cycle, it became more evident that we would not have happy news to share with with family and friends this holiday season. I'd dreamt of making a Christmas card that included an ultrasound photo. Instead I'm a little terrified about the cards that are heading our way.

I used to love sending out cards. But now I feel pathetic because after 6 years of marriage, it's still just the two of us - and the dog. I imagine the people who know about us shaking their heads with pity when they see just the three of us on another card. And the others who don't know wondering aloud whether or not we're ever going to have children. I do realize that's pretty unrealistic, so thanks to the tools I've learned in therapy, when I get too deep into that thought I'm able to stop myself now and think instead about how I'm actually am very proud of the three of us. I love my husband, and I'm proud to be his wife. I'm proud of the life and home we built together. But still, sending out a card with just the three of us?... I don't know.

As for my cycle, today is CD3. I was able to get my Letrozole dosage increased - woo hoo! I'd like to thank you all for your input on my last post about your IUI protocol. I'm planning to send an email to Dr. C regarding the crappy timing on my previous failed cycles, and inform him of my new strategy for the timing of my IUI this month. I'm curious to see what he'll have to say... I don't know when I'll see him next, I'll go in on Dec 6th for my follie check, which is a Sunday so I'm not sure who will be on call that day. Whatever.

For the most part I am feeling very hopeful about this next cycle. Now that I know our timing will be more accurate and that I might even have three follies to catch a spermie or two. (We're totally down with twins.) We've had a pretty nice weekend so far, just busy decorating the house now. It's been hard getting into the spirit of the season this year, so maybe cramming it down my throat at home will do the trick. Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving.

Day By Day

Where the hell has she been?!
You might be asking yourself. Okay probably not. It's more likely that I am overestimating the blogosphere's level of investment in my journey... I digress. Anyhoo, I have been hibernating in a little place I like to call a Crazymessbasketcaseland, and doing a marvelous job at it, by the way. Seriously folks, I have not been in a good place AT ALL. I know my last post was all fluffy and I jabbered on about being thankful and crap, but that was a mask. I was well on my way to CMBC Land and grasping at straws to keep my shit together.

I feel nuts.
Especially when I think about how little I've done as far as IF treatments go. Just the four IUI's. When I have a clear day, I'm able to see the poor condition my mental health is in, and I wonder how I got there. I don't think of myself as a weak and weepy person. But then again, most crazy people don't know they're crazy... Hmm. Food for thought there, huh?

PLEH.
That's HELP backwards. If you're a 'Friends' fanatic, you'll totally get that. Great episode. What was I talking about? Right. Help. I'm getting some.

• My acupuncturist, Ms. B, has been working on my Chakra, and helping me with some visualization tools to help me got out of this place.
• Yesterday I hung out with a few local bloggers. That is always a fantastic way to process garbage and get an outside, yet educated opinion/advice. Even them listening and nodding along to my blathering is helpful, because like all of you - they get it. Thank you so much Nikki and Sarang -private blog).
• My Therapist. As of tonight I will have a therapist. We saw one before, but it was through our clinic and solely to help us process the DI part of this journey. I think my troubles now stem from the long term effects of IF, and my failed IUI's. But god knows what else she'll find wrong with me. I'll let you know how that goes.

As far as my cycle, I am 2dpo today. I had an u/s on Friday to monitor and they found two large follicles on my right side. Evidently they prefer one on each side, but Dr Rawks wasn't surprised because my right side is dominant anyway. He said two follicles is still a good thing. So I triggered on Friday after my u/s and I went back for my IUI on Saturday. There was a total motile count of 10.6 million. Not great. I decided not to thaw another vial. It obviously didn't help last month, so fuck it. I've been feeling a little better the last few days, I think the acupuncture and the bloggy get together were very helpful. Let's hope my therapist will be the silver bullet.

Where the Light Is

I know I've been a little MIA lately. To tell you the truth I've just sort of needed some distance from all things infertility. The small break I had last week at that concert reminded me of everything I've been missing. That peace I felt before I knew the world of IF. And for some reason I have continually been reminded of that by different people in my life over the last few days.

At my last acupuncture appointment, I had a really nice heart to heart with Ms. B. She was in Italy during my last BFN, so the first thing she asked me once we sat down is how I was doing emotionally. I told her we were frustrated of course, but planned to keep moving forward. She then proceeded to tell me about a miracle pregnancy story. Which usually infuriates me, but her tone and the message of her story was more about how I can help myself, rather than the old: 'my sister's, cousin's roommate in college was told she'd never have kids, and yada yada, she's now pregnant with her third.' I'm not going to try to retell the story, but her point was about finding joy in your life, joy despite our hardships. She said it's not the same as positive thinking, because that requires a particular type of effort. But joy was more about admiring the things in your life that you already have.

Tonight Brian and I attended a RESOLVE meeting. And as a closing thought, the leader asked each person to name something they were thankful for. This is a big part of what I have been doing over the last week. Focusing on the other aspects of my life. Of things I am thankful for. We have a good life, and we're lucky in a lot of ways. I know that we're going to make it through this - whatever the outcome. With hearing all of the lengthy stories at the RESOLVE meeting, as well as each month's ICLW, I am reminded that we are still relatively early into treatments. We haven't had to endure multiple failed IVF's, or miscarriages. We're lucky that our medical issues are not as serious as others. I know that... And I'm thankful.

So would one of you mind letting the Universe know that I can take a hint? I promise I'm going to spend more time thinking of the things that make me happy, and the things that I am grateful for. And I'm starting to feel better already... As for my cycle, I will take my last dose of Letrozole tonight, then go in for a follie check on Friday. That appointment should help determine when my next IUI will be. I'm guessing it will be by next Monday. Posting maybe light but I'll keep you all up to date on the important stuff.

One last thing I'm grateful for? All of you.

Can't Fight These Feelings

I've had a few inquiries as to how I'm feeling, and whether or not I'm getting any pregnancy related symptoms. The answer unfortunately, is no. I am however feeling a BUTTLOAD of side effects from the Promet.rium. I wasn't originally going to look them up because I was afraid it would only fuel the fire of obsessive speculation, but I had to check it out today because I've been experiencing some weird shit.

Oh, let's start with my favorite:

• Oral and Vaginal dryness - There's likely no need for me to elaborate on this one. It's about as awesome as it sounds.
• Acne - My skin is not exactly fantastic to begin with, so the new monster zits that have showed up on my neck and boobs are just icing on the pockmarked cake.
• Anxiety and insomnia - For a second I though I was loosing my mind. The last 5 or six nights I have slept like absolute shit. I'm totally restless and keeping having ridiculous dreams where I'm worried about things like whether or not Madison from Mill.ion Doll.ar Lis.ting made the right decision in lowering the price of the Malibu house by 600k. Absurd, just absurd.
• Frequent Urination - It's probably because I'm drinking tons water in a futile attempt to quench my severe cotton mouth, but cheeseandcrackers folks! I have to pee ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY. And night too! But that doesn't really bother me because it's not like I'm busy sleeping at 2:36am ANY DAMN WAY.
• Heartburn - After Every. Single. Meal. Without Fail.

So there it is. That's everything I'm feeling. Oh and 'the girls' are still quiet. Not the slightest bit of soreness. Which is still fine with me. Sigh. I have no better idea of whether or not it worked this time, than I have the last three times. But there's still hope. At least I have that.

I'm 13dpo.

*****************

Oops I forgot to mention whether I was going to test or not. How about Saturday morning? Yikes.

Holy Hell, is it ICLW already?!

I swear it's coming faster and faster every month. Especially when I don't have anything remotely exciting to post about. I am 12dpo/dpiui today. I don't have a Beta scheduled, just the haunting notions of unused home pregnancy tests in my bathroom cabinet. I'm doing my best to stay far away from them though. AF is due Fridayish. Ugh I hate when it falls on a weekday. I'd so much rather get crappy news when I can stay in pajama's all day and consume large quantities of - well anything with an astonishingly high caloric count.

You may recognize my story, last ICLW I had a different blog title which included my last name. When I first started my blog, my husband was the only one reading it. Slowly I began gaining readership, and it started to occur to me that I may be giving our future child's privacy away. While Brian and I feel we have nothing to hide as far as our infertility, we do however feel a fierce need to protect our future child(ren). I have no idea where this blog will be in 20 years, but I don't want anything I say to come back and bite me in the ass. We want our child to be able to choose who is aware of their conception, outside of the family and a select few friends of course.

This month we completed our fourth dIUI. The first three were done with no meds, just based on a positive OPK. But my impatience got the best of me, and I insisted on using some meds this round. My RE put me on Letrozole, which produced 2 lovely follicles. I've never really addressed this before, and I know that I only have about a 5% chance, but I am totally fine with twins. The only thing that concerns me is the high risk pregnancy part.

If you're interested in how we got to the Donor path you can check out my obnoxiously detailed timeline. Or here are a few posts that are probably the most significant.

So welcome ICLWer's, I look forward to reading more about you.

Trigger Happy

I just got back from my second u/s monitoring. There are definitely two GIANT follicles. WOO HOO! On the left is the dominant 24.18mm, and on the right we have 23.54mm. Dr. Rawks is thrilled with both. And my lining is just under 9mm. So that's good too. At my last appointment they asked me to make sure I brought my Ovidrel, which I did. So the nurse kindly showed me how to administer the shot right there at the clinic. I have an appointment for my IUI tomorrow afternoon. The only thing that sucks about that is that it's Fle.et Week in San Francisco, so traffic is going to be a cluster fuck. But I'll get over it. I really have a lot of respect for people who commute all the time. I live 5 miles away from my office, so the most I can complain about is a slow pedestrian. I do not know how people put up with that crap 5 days a week... What was I talking about? oh yeah- I TRIGGERED!!! Please keep your fingers that this is the first, and last time I will have to trigger for at least a few years. Wish me luck!

U/S Update

I always thought I'd be using that title in affiliation with a pregnancy, but oh well. I had my ultrasound this morning. Everything went well. Dr. Rawks found 2.5 follicles. One on my left that was 19mm, and two on my right side. One was 18mm, and the other was 15mm. He said the 15mm may or may not catch up, but for now he's happy with the two larger ones. Whew. I feel so much better. I was really freaking out that my body was not going to respond to the meds at all.

I made another appointment for an u/s Thursday morning, Dr. Rawks wants me to continue doing OPK's, and if I get a positive between now and my next appointment we will just reschedule it as an IUI, and I will do the ovidrel trigger as a back up. He prefers that I try go as long as possible to let the follicles mature. But it's possible that I may trigger after my u/s on Thursday. So surprise, surprise- it's more wait and see. The nice thing is, is that I was able to get Thursday and Friday off (Thanks T!), so I won't have to worry about missing a peculiar amount of work, and coming up with an excuse for my co-workers again. My main plan is to be a complete waste of space, and catch up on my reading and various blogs. It's been a hectic few months and I could really use this time to reboot. Unfortunately I have to do a few grown up things like getting my much needed a hair cut, and going to meet with our financial planner. Boy is she going to love hearing how much we've spent on IF in the last 4 months!

Now I'd like to take a moment to thank the lovely and talented Dee for the Kreativ Blogger Award! Thank you so much for your support and thoughtfulness Dee, I really appreciate it.

Here are the rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Here we go:

1. I hate the sound of pouring liquid.

2. I was a locksmith for 3 years, before I got laid off after Silicon Valley tanked. I can pick open and re-key locks, I can get in to most cars, and I know more about safes than a lot of people ever will. Everything you see in the movies about breaking into safes or front doors, is bullshit.

3. I wear one of my Grandmothers rings on my right hand. When people ask me about it I feel compelled to inform them that she is still alive.

4. I got a fake ID when I was 19. It took the fun out of when I actually turned 21.

5. I have like 70+ VHS tapes that I will not get rid of. Much to Brian's dismay.

6. I heart Jason Bateman.

7. I won't leave the house without make up on. Ever.

I'd like to pass this award on to:

Once Upon a Time, Musings of a Wannabe Mommy, Melissa's thoughts and Realizations, It's only Life, Our Journey, and Family of two.

Yeah, Maybe Not...

Okay Sorry for the suspense. I thankfully, did not get a positive OPK this weekend. The line has actually gotten a little lighter but still significantly present. So weird...

I know a few cycles ago I said I'd stop forecasting what my body was doing, but it's IMPOSSIBLE to ignore the slightest twinge! Oh well, I'll be going in for my ultrasound as planned tomorrow morning at 8:30am. I'm, freaking out that there won't be any changes and that I'll just have one lame-o follicle. But I also had a dream that there were nine, so who knows.


Wow, I'm honored to say I received the Over the Top Award from Jessica, Clare and Katie! Thank you so much ladies! I'm really grateful!

And the Rules are:

Rules1. You Can Only Use One Word (Yeah right...we know that won't happen!)2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers3. Alert them that you have given them this award4. Have Fun!

The Fun:

Where is your cell phone? In my purse

2. Your hair? Shoulder length, and badly in need of a touch up to my highlights

3. Your mother? Complicated

4. Your father? Conservative, Quiet, Supportive

5. Your favorite food? Anything with Carbs

6. Your dream last night? That we got a new dog, and a pet cobra. Very bizarre...

7. Your favorite drink? Club Soda

8. Your dream/goal? To be a Mother

9. What room are you in? Bedroom

10. Your hobby? Cooking and reading

11. Your fear? Remaining Childless

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? At home with our kids

13. Where were you last night? At a RESOLVE meeting

14. Something that you aren’t? Pregnant

15. Muffins? Bran

16. Wish list item? To be a mother already

17. Where did you grow up? Not far from where I live now - San Francisco Bay Area

18. Last thing you did? Baked Pumpkin Bread

19. What are you wearing? Jammies

20. Your TV? On. Brian loves the news

21. Your pets? My monkey/dog, Parker

22. Friends? The real ones? Few and dear.

23. Your life? Still in limbo

24. Your mood? Mellow

25. Missing someone? My Uncle Bob

26. Vehicle? GMC, Yukon. It's ovesized but paid for...

27. Something you’re not wearing? A trench coat?

28. Your favorite store? Sur La Table

29. Your favorite color? Green

30. When was the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

32. Your best friend? My husband

33. One place that I go to over and over? Our spare bedroom.

34. One person who emails me regularly? Brian, Teresa

35. Favorite place to eat? My Grandma's.

Recipients:

1. The Pitter Patter

2. Will Not Work For Baby

3. Wheresmy2lines

4. There's A Baby at the End of this, Right?

5. No Oven for The Bun

6. Inconceivable

Letrozole, You Sneaky Little Bitch

I know what your thinking.

Isn't she on CD8?

Those OPK test lines seem awfully dark for this point in her cycle.

Jeez, she'll probably get a positive in the morning.

Tomorrow Afternoon at the latest...

But what about the Ovidrel sitting in her fridge? I thought she is supposed to trigger with that later next week...

I KNOW!!!!!!

Dr. RAWKS told me to start testing on Sunday, which would be CD10. But I started to get that pinchy pressure in my abdomen that is oh-so-recognizable at this point in my IF career. So I decided I would test this evening. Just to see where I'm at. And a disturbingly dark line showed up right away. I realize this is not a positive test. And the picture may not do those lines justice, but they are pretty dark, and I seriously expect to go in this weekend for my IUI.

Have any of you who've taken Letrozole/Femara had a similar experience?

This is typically where a slur of gratuitous expletives would be spewing out on to the page with little regard for common decency. But since my last two cycles have been so wonky, I'm actually not as bothered by this as I think I normally would be... The main reason is because my incredibly amazing husband went to pick up and deliver our precious cargo to the clinic today. I initially thought I could do it next week, and then something inside made me press to get it done today. And my Mr. being his AMAZING self, obliged. I know it screwed up his schedule and he was frustrated with the short notice, but he didn't give me a hard time about it, even though I know it really threw a wrench in his day.

Thanks Dear.

I really hope this was your last trip over there.

As always, I'll keep you all posted.

Home Sweet Home

Well? What do you think?

I personally love it. There are still a few kinks I am trying to work out. Like adding and editing the tabs above. If anyone has any tips for how to do that I would be FOREVER grateful. I looked up this question in the forums, and tried to contact the creator of this template but she hasn't responded yet... Sorry I know this is boring if you've never had to deal with it. So on to the matters at hand...

I'm on my third day of Letrozole, so far not a single side effect to report. I am a little concerned that prolonged use may create cysts and what not. It's actually a little scary for me to be on these meds. I was really hoping that I could get by with natural cycles, but my impatience took over and here I am. I was hoping to create a tab for a break down on my current cycle, but like I said, I'm still trying to figure that out. So here it is:

• I am currently on CD 5, horray AF is almost gone.
• I will be taking Letrozole until CD7 which is Thursday, October 1st.
• On Saturday, October 3rd I will start doing OPK's to make sure I don't ovulate before my ultrasound.
• Tuesday, October 6th I will go in for an ultrasound to monitor the growth of my follicles, hopefully I will have at least two, and no more than three. At that time they will determine when I will need to trigger ovulation. I'll be using Ovidrel for that.
• Then I will go in for my IUI about 36 hours after that. I'm guess October 8th or 9th.
• And after that I will start up on my progesterone, Prometrium suppositories, and count down until my BFP. We won't be doing a beta. I just need to call them WHEN I get a positive test.

God I hope my optimism doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

Thanks for coming to my new home!

Nope.

If I had published this morning when AF showed, this would be a very different post.

I was furious. I was defeated. I was crushed. Again. I wanted to yell at someone. I wanted to scream at Dr. Rawks because he told me I'd be pregnant by now, and I believed him. You're young. Your lining looks great. Your periods are regular. Natural cycles will be just fine. I'm taking all my supplements, and doing acupuncture. My blood tests are flawless. Our timing has been perfect. I'M DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT PREGNANT YET?!?!

But it was a different story when the good doctor called me back. He sounded genuinely disappointed. He understood my frustration. He thinks we should move forward with meds too. Unfortunately we can't do injectables just yet. We need to take a class to learn how to administer them, and I'd have to start on the medication tomorrow. So he's putting me on Letrozole, which is like clomid but supposedly has less side effects. I'll have an ultrasound on October 6th, to check the progress and see how many follicles look ready. If they seem large enough I may not need to use Ovidrel to trigger. In addition I will start OPK's on October 4th, just in case. He said it's possible that they could get large enough for me to ovulate on my own. But to plan on using Ovidrel. Then I'll go in for a single IUI. And finish off this cycle with Prometrium suppositories. Fun.

So now instead of fury, I at least feel content with our new plan. And I feel even better knowing I'll get to hang out with an amazing group of ladies from the IF community tonight. I was lucky enough to have lunch with the lovely, hilarious and talented Meg. a few weeks ago. And I'm grateful that she's invited me out to spend a little quality time with some other women who know what it's like. I could really use that tonight. Thank you so much Meg. See you soon.