When Will I Learn My Lesson?

It appears as though I've already followed through on my promise of setting a new standard for what would be considered "mentally unstable"... As I've just reread my last few posts and - Oy. 

While I understand there's no need for me to justify my reaction to the likes of you, I feel it necessary to document just how exactly the wheels fell off. 

Expectations. 

Expectations screw me every time. And the worst part is, I spent like a year in therapy examining my own situations to substantiate just how damaging expectations can be. 

And on top of that, as we were getting ready to start injections I lectured Brian about 'how shit goes wrong' with IVF cycles. 

They get delayed. They get cancelled.

Shit goes wrong, and it happens when you least expect it.

(earth-shattering news to all of you, I'm sure)

I know better. I listened intently to your advice. And to the counsel of a few close IF friends, who reminded me gently to take it one day, one shot at a time.  

And yet we hit the first rough patch and I lost every ounce of lucidity and balance. 

When will I learn my lesson?  

Probably never. 

But thankfully I have all of you to keep me in check. 

And thankful is an understatement. You've all been so incredibly supportive especially during this last week. Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge. Your support has been invaluable.

Oh, hey, while I was seesawing in batshit crazy nation I got a few awards. But I was entirely to daft at the time to respond properly or thank the people who presented the awards.

A big thank you to the following ladies who thoughtfully bestowed these awards upon me. Many thanks, sorry it took me a millenia to get them posted.

Aramelle

Christa

Let There Be Sims

Krista

Sarah S

A Miracle 4 Us

So I'm supposed to thank the person(s) who gave me the award. Check! List seven things about myself, and pass the award on to 15 (aye carumba) other bloggers. Well gawd bless those of you who had the time to do all that. To be honest I haven't come across too many other blogs who haven't already received an award. That's because you're all awesome. But you knew that. 

So. Will you still love me if I just post the wacky fun facts about me? 

Oh well, here they are anyway.

1. I love the smell of Carbon Copy paper.

2. I just bought my first Cast Iron skillet. After I seasoned it properly, bacon was the first thing I cooked in it. It was Fantastic.

3. I won't leave the house without makeup on. Ever.

4.The last concert I attended was jack Johnson at the Berkeley Greek Theatre.

5. I hate the sound of pooring liquid.

6. I'm going to be 32 next month. Gah.

7. I hit 200 posts in December and my 3rd Blogiversary was last week. I was not entirely motivated to post about either of them because acknowledging them is bittersweet.

And a quick update. I saw my Acupuncturist Saturday and she believes that I did indeed ovulate . Apparently the pulse on your left side is stronger after ovulation. So good news there, and now I just wait for AF. AGAIN. 

Recluse

I've been slightly antisocial lately (in real life). It's actually been a conscience effort on our part to keep social engagements to a minimum, and its been really nice. We have Yoga and Therapy on separate nights during the week, and on the weekends I've been turning most invitations down. I honestly feel like I just don't have much to give in the way of friendships right now. There is a small part of me that feels bad because the people I have been turning away are largely the ones who've been very supportive to us. And I'm grateful for that. But me and my marriage come first. Brian has been working A LOT lately, so the little free time he does have - I want all to myself.

The other part I guess is that I'm starting to feel that I have less and less in common, as most of them are pregnant or have children now. I realize they are still people, still my friends outside of being Mother's and Father's, but right now that's pretty difficult to look past. They have bigger priorities then making it to a Sharks game on time, or making it to Yoga before the good spots are taken. I realize this sort of sounds like a pity party. I'm not really feeling sorry for myself, I guess it's just my lame attempt at justifying my absence.

Do any of you find yourselves keeping a low profile from your friends?

(Teresa, Jessica, (my IRL friends) I love you both, please know it's nothing personal - nothing you have done wrong. Thank you for being so understanding, and supportive. It means the world to me, and I hope I can repay your loyalty someday.)

.................................

On a less depressing note, I received the Beautiful Blogger Award from Latebloomer, Jackiemac and Clare. Thank you ladies!

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:

- Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
- Copy the award and place it in your blog.
- Link the person who nominated you for this award.
- Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
- Nominate 7 bloggers
- Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.


Seven interesting things... What haven't I already over shared with you people? Seven more things huh? Alright:

1. I am a thoroughly fascinated by the paranormal, and have experienced a few unexplainable incidents myself.
2. I'm turning 31 in less than a month. Ugh. And go Pisces.
3. I have a crush on Paul Rudd.
4. In March I will be heading to Atlanta to meet a few ladies that I found online about a year and a half ago. They belonged to a board for women who'd been trying to conceive for over a year. These ladies were the glue that held me together, they walked me through the first steps in testing, and virtually carried me through enduring the results. I say this not to dismiss the support I've gotten from all of you, it was just before I knew you all existed. I had this blog then, but I had no idea about the IF community or even what ICLW was. Not all of them are able to be there, but I am so, SO excited to meet at least a few of them. More to come on this - I promise.
5.Thanksgiving is my favorite Holiday. I absolutely adore anything that has to do with Fall. And in the last few years I've come to like Halloween more than I care to admit.
6. Though we're starting to lean in favor of it, I am slightly terrified of IVF.
7. I really struggled coming up with seven interesting things to write about myself.

And the lovely ladies I'd like to nominate:

1. Tori at Fertility Wishes and BFP Dreams
2. RJ at Baby OCD
3. Alice at My Elusive Baby
4. Mugsy at Drive Fast. Take Chances.
5. Carli at It's Only Life
6. Jo at MoJo Working
7. Melissa at Melissa's Thoughts and Realizations

Please check out their blogs when you get a second. I promise you won't regret it!

A Boost

It's been a really nutty week. I've been battling the holiday blues, and dodging the tww crazies. Seeing this incredibly sweet post and getting the Valued Blogger award from Meg over at No Oven for the Bun, absolutely made my day. Thank you so much Meg, I wish I could give this award right back to you. Because I truly value our friendship. You are one amazing woman.

Here are the rules:

1.Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or as shy as you'd like.

2.Pick 3 - 5 fellow bloggers whom you adore and write what exactly you value about that person or their blog. The more you write about them the better. This is a chance to really show your appreciation to your blog friends who have been there for you through thick and thin.

3. Let the blessed winners know they have been awarded!

Here it goes:

1. How my bloggy days came to be:

Okay I'm going to be completely honest here. The first month we tried and I found out I wasn't pregnant completely broke my heart. It was Brian's birthday. And I remember feeling crushed because I was so sure it was going to happen on our first try, and I had 6 years of public school sex education to back up my theory. IF YOU HAVE SEX YOU'RE GOING TO GET PREGNANT, they said. I was just so sure it would happen quickly for us.... Soon after that Go.ogle fever hit me, and I came across Redbo.ok's Infertility Diaries. There was this uber funny chick named Jennepper who had a blog. A blog... What is a blog? I wondered. So I quickly went to my new best friend Goog.le, and found their blogger site. And I instantly knew it was something I should have. I needed an outlet. We hadn't told a single soul that we were trying and I just had to get my frustrations out somewhere. For the first eight or nine months, I kept it completely private - Brian was the only one who read it. Once I made it public and started getting a few comments, I still didn't realize that there was a whole other world of IF blogs out there. The more blogs I found the better I began to handle things. Now I think a blog is something everyone should have. I can hardly imagine functioning without it.

2. I hereby value the following bloggers listed in no particular order!:

A. Jessica at Dreams of a Baby - Oh, Jessica. Jessica is so fricken sweet. I really value her good nature, and warmth. Unfortunately she's been pretty close to keeping up with me in terms of number of IUI's completed (just one behind). We've been very much on the same page as far as emotional status goes as well. I'm really grateful to have found her blog, and even more grateful that she found mine - because her comments always tend to give me the reassurance I was looking for. She's having a tough time coming to terms with the fact that they may need to move on to IVF, so please go give her some love when you get a chance.

B. Jendeis at Sell Crazy Some Place Else - Not only does she love hockey, but she can quote from 'Friends'. Okay seriously, I really value her sense of humor and lightheartedness on her blog. Jendeis always manages to leave a comforting comment whilst simultaneously cracking me up. Her blog is awesome, and I admire the honesty that resonates in each and every post. If only we lived closer so we could hook up for a Caps or Sharks game. (The Caps will be in San Jose on Dec 30th!!!) She is currently undergoing Donor IUI's like moi, and I'm crossing everything in hopes that neither of us has to do many more.

C. Nikki at Our Roller Coaster Ride Through Infertility - Simply put, Nikki is amazing. An amazing writer, an amazing friend. Just amazing. I think the thing I value most about Nikki is her strength and empathy. She's been through one of the roughest rides from IF that I have witnessed and yet always rallies to dish out support to others. Nikki and her husband are currently pursuing adoption, after a very long and heroic battle to have a biological child of their own. Where ever that child might be at this very moment, is soon to hit the parental jackpot. I cannot imagine a them finding a better home. Some day, some way Nikki.

Okay I could seriously list like 15 more bloggers but I have to get my butt to a dinner with a few other local bloggers who kick major ass! (More to come on that!)

U/S Update

I always thought I'd be using that title in affiliation with a pregnancy, but oh well. I had my ultrasound this morning. Everything went well. Dr. Rawks found 2.5 follicles. One on my left that was 19mm, and two on my right side. One was 18mm, and the other was 15mm. He said the 15mm may or may not catch up, but for now he's happy with the two larger ones. Whew. I feel so much better. I was really freaking out that my body was not going to respond to the meds at all.

I made another appointment for an u/s Thursday morning, Dr. Rawks wants me to continue doing OPK's, and if I get a positive between now and my next appointment we will just reschedule it as an IUI, and I will do the ovidrel trigger as a back up. He prefers that I try go as long as possible to let the follicles mature. But it's possible that I may trigger after my u/s on Thursday. So surprise, surprise- it's more wait and see. The nice thing is, is that I was able to get Thursday and Friday off (Thanks T!), so I won't have to worry about missing a peculiar amount of work, and coming up with an excuse for my co-workers again. My main plan is to be a complete waste of space, and catch up on my reading and various blogs. It's been a hectic few months and I could really use this time to reboot. Unfortunately I have to do a few grown up things like getting my much needed a hair cut, and going to meet with our financial planner. Boy is she going to love hearing how much we've spent on IF in the last 4 months!

Now I'd like to take a moment to thank the lovely and talented Dee for the Kreativ Blogger Award! Thank you so much for your support and thoughtfulness Dee, I really appreciate it.

Here are the rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Here we go:

1. I hate the sound of pouring liquid.

2. I was a locksmith for 3 years, before I got laid off after Silicon Valley tanked. I can pick open and re-key locks, I can get in to most cars, and I know more about safes than a lot of people ever will. Everything you see in the movies about breaking into safes or front doors, is bullshit.

3. I wear one of my Grandmothers rings on my right hand. When people ask me about it I feel compelled to inform them that she is still alive.

4. I got a fake ID when I was 19. It took the fun out of when I actually turned 21.

5. I have like 70+ VHS tapes that I will not get rid of. Much to Brian's dismay.

6. I heart Jason Bateman.

7. I won't leave the house without make up on. Ever.

I'd like to pass this award on to:

Once Upon a Time, Musings of a Wannabe Mommy, Melissa's thoughts and Realizations, It's only Life, Our Journey, and Family of two.

Yeah, Maybe Not...

Okay Sorry for the suspense. I thankfully, did not get a positive OPK this weekend. The line has actually gotten a little lighter but still significantly present. So weird...

I know a few cycles ago I said I'd stop forecasting what my body was doing, but it's IMPOSSIBLE to ignore the slightest twinge! Oh well, I'll be going in for my ultrasound as planned tomorrow morning at 8:30am. I'm, freaking out that there won't be any changes and that I'll just have one lame-o follicle. But I also had a dream that there were nine, so who knows.


Wow, I'm honored to say I received the Over the Top Award from Jessica, Clare and Katie! Thank you so much ladies! I'm really grateful!

And the Rules are:

Rules1. You Can Only Use One Word (Yeah right...we know that won't happen!)2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers3. Alert them that you have given them this award4. Have Fun!

The Fun:

Where is your cell phone? In my purse

2. Your hair? Shoulder length, and badly in need of a touch up to my highlights

3. Your mother? Complicated

4. Your father? Conservative, Quiet, Supportive

5. Your favorite food? Anything with Carbs

6. Your dream last night? That we got a new dog, and a pet cobra. Very bizarre...

7. Your favorite drink? Club Soda

8. Your dream/goal? To be a Mother

9. What room are you in? Bedroom

10. Your hobby? Cooking and reading

11. Your fear? Remaining Childless

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? At home with our kids

13. Where were you last night? At a RESOLVE meeting

14. Something that you aren’t? Pregnant

15. Muffins? Bran

16. Wish list item? To be a mother already

17. Where did you grow up? Not far from where I live now - San Francisco Bay Area

18. Last thing you did? Baked Pumpkin Bread

19. What are you wearing? Jammies

20. Your TV? On. Brian loves the news

21. Your pets? My monkey/dog, Parker

22. Friends? The real ones? Few and dear.

23. Your life? Still in limbo

24. Your mood? Mellow

25. Missing someone? My Uncle Bob

26. Vehicle? GMC, Yukon. It's ovesized but paid for...

27. Something you’re not wearing? A trench coat?

28. Your favorite store? Sur La Table

29. Your favorite color? Green

30. When was the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

32. Your best friend? My husband

33. One place that I go to over and over? Our spare bedroom.

34. One person who emails me regularly? Brian, Teresa

35. Favorite place to eat? My Grandma's.

Recipients:

1. The Pitter Patter

2. Will Not Work For Baby

3. Wheresmy2lines

4. There's A Baby at the End of this, Right?

5. No Oven for The Bun

6. Inconceivable

Absolutely Lovely

I cannot imagine where I would be without this incredible community. The love and support I have received is absolutely overwhelming. I am honored to say I received the One Lovely Blog Award from Melissa, Michelle, Kerri and Kim !




Thank you so much for thinking of me ladies! Before I tell you about the details of the award I'd like to focus again one what a great community we have here. And how paramount I think it is that we continue to help it blossom. Mel over at Stirrup Queens has put in a request to boost the involvement in honor of the LFCA's second anniversary. She's asking that we all make a little more effort in submitting news, whether it be our own, or a bloggy pal's. In addition we need to continue visting the Lost and Found to check on the ones who've submitted the news and spread a little extra love. Please do your best to spend a few minutes each night commenting to those in need.

Okay, the rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award. I'm going to have to cheat a little and only put 9!!! Can you ever forgive me?!

1. Drive Fast. Take Chances.
2. Dreams of a Baby
3. Life in the White House
4. My Journey to Become a Mother
5. Baby Manatee
6. Will Not Work For Baby
7. The Important Things in Life Aren't Things
8. We Got Hitched ... Now What?
9. Me Inside Out

Congratulations ladies!!! A BIG Squishy hug to you all!!