Okay I'm Freaking Out A Little

First things first, I have no news. (sorry if the title was misleading) Other than I'm really starting to freak out. The anticipation is KILLING me.

With the exception of the first part of my post yesterday, I'm not typically the type who talks about their symptoms in the wait. I usually just say I feel nothing, even when I notice a thing or two. Partially because I hate pointless drama, and don't want to get any ones hopes up, namely mine. Partially because I'm un peu superstitious. But mostly because I really do my damnedest to ignore and disqualify them. That being said: most of yesterday afternoon I had, what I thought was, pretty significant uterine cramping. And later in the evening it turned into lower back cramping. The lower back cramping is what I typically get the moment my period shows up. But not for very long. I rarely have cramps at all. Could it have been the crappy seats at the Sharks game? Possibly. But what kills me is today I feel NOTHING. Not a cramp, not a twinge. Nothing.

And I'm starting to freak out.

I'm DYING to take a test, yet I'm utterly terrified of the results.

Tomorrow marks one year exactly that we got our IVF diagnosis. I can't believe it's been a whole fucking year. I'm freaking out. Agonizing over what that test will tell me tomorrow. This wait- is killing me....

All My Love

Nothing new to report here. I'm 12dpiui and I still haven't tested. I'm sort of terrified to. Because this is my last chance for a 2010 baby. I've had a few twinges down south that seem...... different.... The thing is, I very rarely experience menstrual cramps, which makes it difficult for me to distinguish them from bowel cramps/discomfort. And well I've had good reason the last couple of days to believe it may be related to bowel issues...If you catch my drift. And also I think it might be in my head. Because I want so very badly to have some kind of symptom, and because it's very, VERY minor and when I notice it, it either goes away or gets worse for a second or two then vanishes. Very intermittent. Very puzzling. So I'm trying to ignore it. Forget it. Until I test on Saturday, and find out whether I'll make my husband a father next year or not...

So in the mean time, instead of starting, yes starting my Christmas shopping tonight, we're going to the Sharks game. Awesomeness. I'm not sure I've ever mentioned it but Brian and I are season ticket whores. I don't think we have bought tickets to a game in like five years. We're the last minute couple. Got extra tickets, or tickets you can't use? Call Brian and Melissa- they can go! It's not like they're tied down with kids or anything, right? Ooohhhh, yeah I went there.

Okay. Moving on.

A few days ago the lovely and talented Mel over at Stirrup Queens posted about Love and friendships made over the Internet. She talked about how proud she was to have made such wonderful friends through blogs. And I just really feel like echoing her thoughts. Meg at No Oven and I started emailing each other a few months back and then decided to meet up one day for lunch. I was so nervous, but she's is incredibly warm and easy to talk to. Soon after she introduced me to a few other local bloggers, and I feel so lucky and privileged now to call them my friends. I told you how awesome Nikki was yesterday, so now I'll tell you about Sarang. Sarang has a private blog, so there is no way for you to know what a funny, witty, kindhearted woman she is. As well as a very talented writer. So last night we met up at The Melting Pot (fondue!). I've always gotten a lot of comfort from reading and commenting on other blogs and forums, but there really is nothing like sitting down to a meal and bitching about your last cycle to someone who can laugh and cry along, right next to you. I hate to brag, but these ladies are the BEST at it. Serioulsy folks, if you have the option of meeting up with a local blogger or two, do it, DO IT NOW. You won't regret it!

A Boost

It's been a really nutty week. I've been battling the holiday blues, and dodging the tww crazies. Seeing this incredibly sweet post and getting the Valued Blogger award from Meg over at No Oven for the Bun, absolutely made my day. Thank you so much Meg, I wish I could give this award right back to you. Because I truly value our friendship. You are one amazing woman.

Here are the rules:

1.Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or as shy as you'd like.

2.Pick 3 - 5 fellow bloggers whom you adore and write what exactly you value about that person or their blog. The more you write about them the better. This is a chance to really show your appreciation to your blog friends who have been there for you through thick and thin.

3. Let the blessed winners know they have been awarded!

Here it goes:

1. How my bloggy days came to be:

Okay I'm going to be completely honest here. The first month we tried and I found out I wasn't pregnant completely broke my heart. It was Brian's birthday. And I remember feeling crushed because I was so sure it was going to happen on our first try, and I had 6 years of public school sex education to back up my theory. IF YOU HAVE SEX YOU'RE GOING TO GET PREGNANT, they said. I was just so sure it would happen quickly for us.... Soon after that Go.ogle fever hit me, and I came across Redbo.ok's Infertility Diaries. There was this uber funny chick named Jennepper who had a blog. A blog... What is a blog? I wondered. So I quickly went to my new best friend Goog.le, and found their blogger site. And I instantly knew it was something I should have. I needed an outlet. We hadn't told a single soul that we were trying and I just had to get my frustrations out somewhere. For the first eight or nine months, I kept it completely private - Brian was the only one who read it. Once I made it public and started getting a few comments, I still didn't realize that there was a whole other world of IF blogs out there. The more blogs I found the better I began to handle things. Now I think a blog is something everyone should have. I can hardly imagine functioning without it.

2. I hereby value the following bloggers listed in no particular order!:

A. Jessica at Dreams of a Baby - Oh, Jessica. Jessica is so fricken sweet. I really value her good nature, and warmth. Unfortunately she's been pretty close to keeping up with me in terms of number of IUI's completed (just one behind). We've been very much on the same page as far as emotional status goes as well. I'm really grateful to have found her blog, and even more grateful that she found mine - because her comments always tend to give me the reassurance I was looking for. She's having a tough time coming to terms with the fact that they may need to move on to IVF, so please go give her some love when you get a chance.

B. Jendeis at Sell Crazy Some Place Else - Not only does she love hockey, but she can quote from 'Friends'. Okay seriously, I really value her sense of humor and lightheartedness on her blog. Jendeis always manages to leave a comforting comment whilst simultaneously cracking me up. Her blog is awesome, and I admire the honesty that resonates in each and every post. If only we lived closer so we could hook up for a Caps or Sharks game. (The Caps will be in San Jose on Dec 30th!!!) She is currently undergoing Donor IUI's like moi, and I'm crossing everything in hopes that neither of us has to do many more.

C. Nikki at Our Roller Coaster Ride Through Infertility - Simply put, Nikki is amazing. An amazing writer, an amazing friend. Just amazing. I think the thing I value most about Nikki is her strength and empathy. She's been through one of the roughest rides from IF that I have witnessed and yet always rallies to dish out support to others. Nikki and her husband are currently pursuing adoption, after a very long and heroic battle to have a biological child of their own. Where ever that child might be at this very moment, is soon to hit the parental jackpot. I cannot imagine a them finding a better home. Some day, some way Nikki.

Okay I could seriously list like 15 more bloggers but I have to get my butt to a dinner with a few other local bloggers who kick major ass! (More to come on that!)

Terms and Conditions

This holiday season continues to be blah for us. I never got around to decorating the inside of the house, or even getting a tree for that matter. Neither of us really feel like it. We do have the lights up on the outside of the house, which looks magical as always. Brian really does a hell of a job at that.

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that if this cycle doesn't work we're going to have to take a few months off to pay down some debt and save up some money. I really hate the thought of not being able to cycle, but we have to be financially responsible. In order to keep my eyes on the prize I've come up with a few goals that I'd like to accomplish during our down time.

1. Donate Blood: this is something I have wanted to do for years, but ttc has gotten in the way.

2. Loose some weight: I have really abused desserts and spitefully indulged in soft cheeses as way of coping with my anger, frustration, and overall sadness that has come with dealing with IF.

3. Try Yoga: I've always been intrigued by it, but never made much of an effort to explore it. I may have to start with a video of some sort because classes seem to be pretty pricey and I'm going to scrimp and save every single penny I can while we're on this break.

4. Mend my broken heart: I want to shed the heaviness that has held me for so long. I have to.

5. Read more: There are tons of books that I want to read, but for some reason I haven't made enough of an effort to get around to them.

That's all I have so far. I may come up with more, during the copious amounts of spare time I'll have. I also already made an appointment with a new RE for the end of January. It's not that I'm already discounting this cycle, I'm just trying to be proactive. In case our new RE wants to run some tests, I don't want to have to wait until we're ready to cycle or close to it. I really want to be prepared.

My tww is going well so far. I'm 6dpiui today, and feeling the same as always. Definitely hopeful though, and praying that we finally get our BFP.

In Which I Remember I Have No Control Over Anything. Ever.

Friday night we were getting ready to go to my best friend's father's 60th birthday party, when I took my obligatory CD10 OPK. Imagine my surprise when the test came back positive. My follie check was scheduled for today, so I was not prepared to see a positive at all. Then things went from bad to worse, about an hour into the party I felt the unmistakable twinges of ovulation. It became more and more intense as the evening went on and I knew that our chance to cycle this month was slipping away. All I could think was that our last chance to get pregnant in 2009 was going to be over. Brian and I sat back at our table watching numerous young families enjoying the music, and crowding the dance floor. Amidst the dancing and happiness we also got a pregnancy announcement. And we slowly began to feel more and more out of place. Watching father's dance with their daughters and mother's tending tantrums just got to be too much. And we reluctantly decided to leave the party before I lost it in front of everyone.

First thing Saturday morning I called my clinic and explained to the nurse what had happened the night before. She told me she hoped I was wrong about ovulating and that they would get me in right away. Dr. C walked in while I sat in the chair in my paper skirt, I told him about my positive OPK, and then about the ovulation pains. He smiled and shrugged and said, "you know you really can't be too sure about those mysterious pains, they could just be the follicle growing" just then he started the u/s and quickly noted that I had indeed ovulated. He pointed out a collapsed follicle and what appeared to be fluid from the collapsed follicle. I managed to be diplomatic while I glared at him with my "I told you so" smirk. I have to say it's mildly insulting that he assumes I don't know anything about my own body... Anyway, he continued on to say that it appeared I had ovulated within the last 12 hours and that I was still within the window if I wanted to continue with an insemination. He told me that my chances were descent enough, and that I should really consider going ahead. So I did. We had a motile count of 12 million, not bad.

I find it incredibly ironic that I had been plotting and scheming exactly when I was going to trigger so that I could do my IUI just after I ovulated, and my body went ahead and did it anyway - four days early no less. So as of right now I am officially 1dpiui. I honestly think our chances are pretty descent. My concern this whole time has been that the sperm weren't living long enough to meet the egg. Well now the egg was already there waiting so hopefully this will make all the difference for us. Crossing our fingers for a Christmas miracle...

Slowly, But Surely...

Hey there, sorry I haven't been posting much. When I was in the darkest place, I was too far gone to complete a train of thought. But this last week is mostly because I've kept myself incredibly busy and just haven't made the time to write. Having gone to two Sharks games in three days may have also contributed to that. Even now... I struggle to come up with the next sentence, but it's strange because I feel I have so much to say. I've been doing better emotionally. It's funny because making that first call to my therapist made a big difference. Just knowing I was taking a step to get some help lifted a huge weight. The appointment went well, I'm going to continue seeing her for the next few weeks. The days following my first session were full of ups and downs, but I'm happy to say the highs were higher and the lows were not nearly as low, or as difficult to shake off as they have been in the past. And would you believe I even made it through an entire Baby Shower without hurling myself through a plate glass patio slider?!?! I KNOW!

Don't get too excited, I'm still not feeling quite myself, but I'm lucid enough to know how strange it is to be so sad all the time. I hardly recognize that side of me; weepy consumed, despondent. While I've always been one to cry over things a simple as commercials, or a greeting card I still felt pretty confident in the viability of my mental health. But sometimes looking at the mess I am right now makes me think I seriously overestimated myself. Good god, how ever did I make it this far in life without spending a good portion of it in a loony bin?!?!

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

So I'm 9dpo today. I'm going to string out my prometrium until Saturday when I'll test. I'm not feeling super hopeful, but I haven't given up yet either. I know how very much I still want this, and feel it's going to happen for us eventually... Which is why there's still that twinkle of hope thinking that it's always darkest before the dawn, what if this turns out to be our month? Blah, Blah, Blah.

I'm sorry I've been so bad about commenting, please know that I've been lurking and of course thinking of you all. Hugs.

Can't Fight These Feelings

I've had a few inquiries as to how I'm feeling, and whether or not I'm getting any pregnancy related symptoms. The answer unfortunately, is no. I am however feeling a BUTTLOAD of side effects from the Promet.rium. I wasn't originally going to look them up because I was afraid it would only fuel the fire of obsessive speculation, but I had to check it out today because I've been experiencing some weird shit.

Oh, let's start with my favorite:

• Oral and Vaginal dryness - There's likely no need for me to elaborate on this one. It's about as awesome as it sounds.
• Acne - My skin is not exactly fantastic to begin with, so the new monster zits that have showed up on my neck and boobs are just icing on the pockmarked cake.
• Anxiety and insomnia - For a second I though I was loosing my mind. The last 5 or six nights I have slept like absolute shit. I'm totally restless and keeping having ridiculous dreams where I'm worried about things like whether or not Madison from Mill.ion Doll.ar Lis.ting made the right decision in lowering the price of the Malibu house by 600k. Absurd, just absurd.
• Frequent Urination - It's probably because I'm drinking tons water in a futile attempt to quench my severe cotton mouth, but cheeseandcrackers folks! I have to pee ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY. And night too! But that doesn't really bother me because it's not like I'm busy sleeping at 2:36am ANY DAMN WAY.
• Heartburn - After Every. Single. Meal. Without Fail.

So there it is. That's everything I'm feeling. Oh and 'the girls' are still quiet. Not the slightest bit of soreness. Which is still fine with me. Sigh. I have no better idea of whether or not it worked this time, than I have the last three times. But there's still hope. At least I have that.

I'm 13dpo.

*****************

Oops I forgot to mention whether I was going to test or not. How about Saturday morning? Yikes.

Holy Hell, is it ICLW already?!

I swear it's coming faster and faster every month. Especially when I don't have anything remotely exciting to post about. I am 12dpo/dpiui today. I don't have a Beta scheduled, just the haunting notions of unused home pregnancy tests in my bathroom cabinet. I'm doing my best to stay far away from them though. AF is due Fridayish. Ugh I hate when it falls on a weekday. I'd so much rather get crappy news when I can stay in pajama's all day and consume large quantities of - well anything with an astonishingly high caloric count.

You may recognize my story, last ICLW I had a different blog title which included my last name. When I first started my blog, my husband was the only one reading it. Slowly I began gaining readership, and it started to occur to me that I may be giving our future child's privacy away. While Brian and I feel we have nothing to hide as far as our infertility, we do however feel a fierce need to protect our future child(ren). I have no idea where this blog will be in 20 years, but I don't want anything I say to come back and bite me in the ass. We want our child to be able to choose who is aware of their conception, outside of the family and a select few friends of course.

This month we completed our fourth dIUI. The first three were done with no meds, just based on a positive OPK. But my impatience got the best of me, and I insisted on using some meds this round. My RE put me on Letrozole, which produced 2 lovely follicles. I've never really addressed this before, and I know that I only have about a 5% chance, but I am totally fine with twins. The only thing that concerns me is the high risk pregnancy part.

If you're interested in how we got to the Donor path you can check out my obnoxiously detailed timeline. Or here are a few posts that are probably the most significant.

So welcome ICLWer's, I look forward to reading more about you.

My Gratitude

Feeling better today. I've done pretty well so far with not completely over analyzing symptoms. I'll probably chalk most of them up to the medications anyway. I haven't read the list of side effects from the Prometrium because I don't need anymore knowledge on what might be related to a pregnancy. The one symptom that is missing however is the sore boobage. They normally start to hurt the day after I ovulate. But here I am, 10dpo, and the girls are blissfully silent. It's a nice change, I'm used to them hurting for two weeks at a time, so this is great!

So like I was saying I'm in a much better place emotionally today. That may have to do with the wonderful day I had yesterday. Brian and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. I fully planned to dedicate a post to it, but I spent more time with him instead, and I'm sure he appreciated that. Up until last week, we'd been having kind of a tough time. We had a pretty nasty argument a week ago, and ever since then I think we both realized we need to just try harder to be good to one another. Not that it had completely gotten away from us, but we have a lot going on right now, even outside of the IF stuff. But yesterday it all disappeared, and I spent the day with my best friend, we didn't do anything particularly exciting, but we never left each others side from sun up, to sun down and it was wonderful. He is wonderful. And I become more and more thankful for him everyday, especially on the hard ones. I love you, Brian. Thank you for making my life amazing. You've helped me become the woman I am today, and I'm so grateful for that.


And I'd also like to send out a huge thank you, and a big squishy hug to all of you who've been so supportive. I know my emotions have been all over the place lately. I totally realize that my feelings in any given post usually contradicts the previous one... But you've all done a fantastic job at keeping up with me.

Sometimes I worry that this blog comes across as one big pity party. That might be because I use this place as an outlet, and unfortunately when I'm in a bad place, I lose the ability to see when I'm being a whiny mess. I don't always feel as crappy as some of my posts may convey. I just use each post to help me shed that heavy cloud of sorrow or anger that I'm experiencing at any particular moment.

And thank you for following me to my new blog. I was a little worried at first that I might loose some of you, but your comments prove otherwise. I'm just so thankful to have all of you in my life. To the ones who live near by, and the others whom are far, far away... It's nice to know that even if we can't grab dinner together, there's always instant access with my laptop. So no matter what time of day or night - you're always there. I hope I can do the same for you.

Meh

The title of this post completely sums up the way I'm feeling right now.

I'm 5dpo.

I have nothing to report.

Just wading my way through another two week wait.

I have no inclination as to how this cycle is going to turn out.

I'm at that point where I'm sort of feeling like it's never going to happen. I don't mean ever, but just not anytime soon. I'm terrified that we'll spend the rest of this year and the beginning of next year doing IUI's. And eventually have to stop and save up for IVF. And that, my friends, is going to take a long ass time.

Yesterday while leaving the store, I saw this man in the parking lot taking pictures with his blac.kberry of his two little girls jumping in puddles. The smile on his face was just as wide as his little girls'. I smiled at first too, but my heart quickly sank. Scene's like this me ache with longing. Will that EVER be Brian?

It's seems like it's less and less the Mom's that make me sigh, and more the Dad's. Fathers with their children on their shoulders, strapped to their chests, or even just holding their hands. When do I get to cherish the picture I took of our baby sleeping in Brian's arms?

I'm just getting so tired of waiting. Not impatient, but weary and haggard. Please god, please make it happen soon.

Not What I Planned

Where, oh where, do I begin?

When I made my initial appointment for today's IUI, they told me that Dr. Rawks was not going to be in. Which was fine, I've had six total IUI's during my last three cycles and Dr. Rawks has only done two of them. Not a big deal. I was able to make an appointment with a Doctor that I've had before and really liked. But when we got there today, my IUI nurse told me that this doctor was no longer available. No problem, just give me anyone with a degree in Reproductive Endocrinology, and I'll be on my way... So the doctor walks in, and I suddenly realize I've had her before. And she was not good. Not good at all. Not only does she lack a personality/bedside manner, but after my last visit with her I abhorrently nicknamed her Dr. Cantfindmycervix. I literally felt bruised after the last IUI she gave me.

After reintroducing herself, she tells me that the counts of the vial they thawed only had 9.6 million. The bank we purchased from guarantee's a minimum of 10 million. I realize that this is a very small difference, but I am not happy. Since my first IUI the total thawed counts have only gone down. My first vial had 26 million - a FANTASTIC number. But the vial before this had 15 million. Still not terrible, but not as good as 26. The minimum amount that my clinic prefers for an IUI is 10 million. Dr. Cantfindmycervix, seemed to think this sample was adequate. But I just didnt feel good about it. This my FOURTH FUCKING SHOT. I NEED this to WORK. I can't do this anymore. It's really starting to wear on me... So I ask her if it's possible to thaw another vial. She tells me again, that the vial does meet their minimum requirement, but that if I wanted, they could thaw another one. She warned me that doing so, may not necessarily increase my odds. But I just didn't feel good about the single vial. I can't settle for their "minimum requirement" - I won't. Not when we've got three failed cycles under our belts. My peace of mind is worth more than the expense of an extra vial. If I had settled for the single vial and this cycle didn't work, I could not live with myself for not following my instinct and insisting on a second vial.

So it's done. The Dr, once again, had a difficult time locating my cervix for some ridiculous reason. And once again she fumbled around while giving me the play by play -"You're going to feel some pressure now", blah blah blah.... HEY LADY, THIS AINT MY FIRST RODEO. I know what a fucking speculum feels like. How's about you work a little harder on being delicate with my girlly parts, and little less on your dialog, huh?!?! So like I was saying, it's done, and I've been resting somewhat comfortably since this afternoon. I'm pretty sure I ovulated on my left side while I was typing this, and now I can feel my right side starting to ache. So I'm happy with the timing I guess. But man, was this a crappy ending to what I have so far, felt pretty confident about. But I'm not going to dwell on it. I need feel good about the rest of this cycle, I'm tired of feeling sad...

Please commence crossed fingers.

Any Day Now

I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Because these waits are getting old. And I'm finding myself getting less and less caught up in the hoopla of whether or not this was my month. I just want to know either way so I can get on with my life... (Jaded much?)

I am 12dpo today. I am expecting AF within the next few days. Because I ovulated so early its really hard to pin point a day. But I would guess tomorrow or Saturday. I am feeling a few symptoms but whether they are PMS or pregnancy related, I don't know. None of them are new, or severe enough to really get my attention. And to be quite honest I really don't even want to speculate on them. I wish I felt more hopeful, but I just can't seem to muster an ounce of enthusiasm. I think I'm having such a hard time because I never thought it would take more than three cycles.

I promise I'll let you know as soon as I know anything. I also want to send out a BIG thank you for the support I've received from all of you this cycle. I'm sorry I've been so glum about the whole thing. I know how lucky I am to be cycling at all. HUGS.

Hello!

Welcome ICLWer's! Every month I am amazed that time has gone by so quickly since the last get-together... Well, I'm sure you have a lot of blog reading to do so here's the low down: My husband and I were diagnosed with Severe Male Factor, due to a Chromosomal Abnormality. After MUCH deliberation we decided to create our family through donor sperm rather than IVF w/ ICSI. I am currently 9dpo after our third attempt. So far they have all been unmedicated, and back to back IUI's. Which means we are using two vials of ds per cycle and it's getting pretty pricey so I'd like to get this show on the road already! I just use OPK's to monitor, and I've felt like our timing is pretty good. But seeings as we are more than two years into this process, to say that I am feeling a little impatient would be a tremendous understatement. If it doesn't happen this month I will definitely be moving on to medications. Clomid? Injectables??? I will obviously be having this discussion with my RE, but do you have any advice as to what I might push for? If not maybe just cross your fingers and hope that the third time is the charm for us, won't you?

I look forward to "meeting" all of you!

Well That Didn't Last Very Long...

I think I used up all my happy in that last post. That brief burst of jabbering about lucky numbers and signs was evidently the bottom of the barrel for me. Although it's seemingly more obvious now that I've reread all that four leaf clover, unicorn shit...

And I've got another confession to make. I spend more time online with the IF blogging community than I think I ought to. I say that because my social life is pretty much non existent these days. Let me first say that I have always been a homebody. I always enjoyed an intimate setting rather than a vibrant one. But it's gotten to the point where I'm leaning on you all a lot. Brian is a little concerned. He says it's all I ever talk about. He thinks my hopelessness is hindering our conception viability. He doesn't understand why I don't make much of an effort to hang out with our pregnant friends. He doesn't get why I would feel jealousy or resentment towards people we love just because they have something we don't. I wish I could help him understand. I wish he could see the guilt that comes with feeling this way. I wish he knew that I feel like it's my fault that we've lost two sets of friends, because I'm not strong enough to hide my baggage and pretend everything is okay while my girlfriends rub their swollen bellies and debate over strollers and daycare. Please don't misunderstand, Brian is a wonderful husband and for the most part very supportive. But the last few weeks have been particularly hard on us. He thinks I'm obsessed, I think he's insensitive, and the next thing you know we're fighting over dinner at California Pizza Kitchen.

We can't be the only ones who've hit these lows. Until recently I could honestly say that the challenges we've dealt with have truly made our marriage a lot stronger. I guess I need to start working harder on that. It's not fair that I have become so consumed with my feelings. Above all my marriage comes first. I hate that I've let this overtake me. But it is so difficult to ignore.

Usually around now, 6dpo, I would be feeling anxious about being that much closer to knowing our fate. But all that comes to mind is what our next protocol will be once this cycle is done... Case in point: As of today we are the proud owners of four new vials of donor sperm. I called yesterday just to check the inventory of our specific donor. Turns out it was all gone. His next batch of vials won't be released from quarantine until January. Each sample is tested for STD's, HIV and AIDS then remains in quarantine for about six months until all tests are conclusive and verified negative. When I originally ordered our first six vials in June, there were well over 25 samples in stock. Guess we have good taste. The woman I was speaking with was very kind, but I got a little upset and asked if there was some kind of waiting list I could apply for. She asked me to hold, and came back with great news. She said she was able to pull from a special inventory because I had already purchased from this donor. The most we could get was four vials, still much more than we could afford, but I had to make the decision right way because she said she wouldn't be able to guarantee they would be available next week. And if this cycle doesn't work we would be in the position of having to pick a new donor. She also told me that our donor has another pregnancy reported, so that's encouraging. At least someone is getting lucky.

As of right now I can tell you that if this cycle doesn't work I am definitely going to ask for Clomid or injectables. I can't fucking take this anymore. Bring on the drugs!

My New Lucky Number ?

Thirteen. 13. That's right. I know I babbled about the third time being the charm and all that. I still believe that too, but now I hoping that an affiliation with the number thirteen might do it. Now some view 13 as unlucky, but I personally associate it with a bakers dozen. And how could one extra Chocolate Old Fashion possibly be a bad thing??? I know it's silly to heave my faith on to a superstition, but honestly? It's all I've got. I'm hoping the multiple encounters I've had with this number in the last week might actually be fortuitous for us. It all started when Ms. B (my acupuncturist) said she thought the fact that I ovulated on CD13 was a "lucky coincidence". At first I rolled my eyes and blew it off thinking she was just trying to appease me while I was flipping out because I ovulated so early. But then the next day when we pulled up outside the clinic for our second IUI, it occurred to me that the date was Sunday, September 13th. I giggled to myself as we were getting out of the car. Then I saw this:

Fast forward a few days and I'd tell you that for the most part this cycle has really been at the back of my mind. My positive OPK came and went so fast, I barely had time to obsess over it. I only used two OPK tests. Unlike last cycle, where I blew through what seemed like a gross of CBE's. It's really been a blessing. Anyway, I hadn't thought about it again until I was on my way to work this morning and I realized we are on our 26th cycle. And what's half of 26? Yep, 13. ALRIGHT, I know that's a stretch. I know that these numbers will not dictate a pregnancy. But I am hoping against all hope that this is finally it. So if a lucky number is going to help me feel a little more hopeful I am going to stick with it. (Read:Delusional)

Okay, enough of my crazy talk... I'd like to put out a little warning about Orvidrel. A fellow blogger L from There's a Baby At the End, just had an IVF cycle ruined due to a defective vial. Her clinic was not able to retrieve any eggs because the trigger didn't work. L lists the pharmaceutical company and the Lot Number on her vials. If you have Orvidrel in your fridge, please stop by her blog to see if you have the same batch and save yourself some heartache. Or go by when you can to give her some support. Thanks folks.

Infertility Mix Tape

I call it a "mix tape" instead of a "playlist , 'cause I'm oldschool like that. This is something I have been thinking about doing for a while. If I learned anything from my last cycle it's to KEEP BUSY. So without further adieu, I give you my IF mix tape:


1. Wouldn't It Be Nice, Beach Boys

Maybe if we think, and wish, and hope, and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do

2. Don't Stop, Fleetwood Mac

Why not think about times to come,
And not about the things you've done,
If life was bad to you,
Just think what tomorrow will do

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here
It'll be, better than before
Yesterday's gone, Yesterday's gone

3. Somewhere Over The Rainbow, Brother Israel

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

4. Patience, Guns n' Roses

If I can't have you right now, I'll wait dear
Sometimes, I get so tense
But I can't speed up the time

5. Message In A Bottle, The Police

A year has passed since I wrote my note
I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life but
Love can break your heart

6. Sabotage, Beastie Boys

'Cause what you see you might not get
And we can bet, so you don't get souped yet
Scheming on a thing that's a mirage
I'm tryin' to tell you now it's sabotage

7. Dreaming With A Broken Heart, John Mayer

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed, and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe

8. Miracle, Foo Fighters

Everything that we've survived
It's gonna be alright, just lucky we're alive
Got no vision I've been blind
Searching everywhere, you're right there in my sights

9. Down So Long, Jewel

We've been down so long
Oh it can't be longer still
And we've been down so long
Oh the end, must be drawing near

10. Lose Yourself, Eminem

Success is my only mother fucking option, failure's not


I saved number ten for last, because it's awesome, and I'd like to dedicate that one specifically to: Wheresmy2lines, Babyattheend, Itsonlylife, Bottomsoff, Conceivethis, and Willnotworkforbaby.

Oh and in case you were wondering, I don't have a Beta scheduled and I'm not planning to test anytime soon. Well at least, I'm going to try to hold out as long as I can.... I'm 10dpo today.

All I Can Say

All I can say is that I'm 7dpo. I don't know when my period is due exactly, which is new territory for me. But I think the mystery of it is bringing me to a new level of peace about this cycle.

This cycle is a mystery in more ways than one. If you are new to my blog via ICLW (welcome!) than I should tell you that my cycles have always been right as the mail. Thirty-one days in length, I typically get a positive opk on CD14 and feel the pressure and discomfort of ovulation on CD15. The very next day, without fail, my girls start getting sore. And the countdown is well underway to AF's arrival.

After last months BFN from our very first dIUI, I began therapeutic acupuncture for the second time, since beginning to TTC. I immediately felt its benefits, from the forced relaxation. But when CD14 came around my positive OPK was no where in sight. I was extraordinarily frustrated at first, and then mystified. I was never that late. CD 21 is when my smiley face finally showed. I was still baffled but relieved to finally be able to get my IUI's out of the way and push my way into another treacherous TTW. My doctor told me I should expect AF about 12 days from my last IUI, but my normal cycle would normally be 16 days after. So I'm left with a four day gap. Oh and the other thing is, my girls are miraculously ail-free. But I guess I should chalk that up to the acupuncture. I remember the last period of time I did it, it helped immensely with all of my pms.

Last cycle, I put a ticker up for the countdown. But this time I don't know when my cycle will end, or most importantly when and if a new cycle will begin. I'm kind of enjoying the mystery. It's taken the pressure off a real countdown. Which has left me peaceful and tremendously hopeful. It's really nice. All I can say is that 7dpo is usually where the crazy starts to kick in, but damn. I feel good.

Coming Soon!

Howdy ICLWer's! Welcome to my blog. Here is a brief account of our history via bullet point:

• We began TTC in August 2007.
• Diagnosed with Severe Male Factor Infertility due to a chromosomal abnormality, in December 2008.
• After much, much, MUCH delibertion, we decided to use Donor over trying IVF w/ ICSI in March 2009.
• We are currently on our second cycle of dIUI's. Since all of my tests came back clear, our RE suggested starting with unmedicated cycles with back to back IUI's. So I go in for an IUI the morning I get a positive OPK, and then go back again the next day.
• If you'd like a more detailed description of our history you can check out my last ICLW welcome where I had a bit more time to devote to a proper introduction.

Which brings us to the current day, 5DPO. I am so ridiculously full of hope right now it's almost suicidal. I was talking to a wonderful friend the other day (hi jess!) and I was explaining how with each IUI cycle my odds of getting pregnant go up. Ex. Dr.RAWKS thinks it will take about three cycles to get me pregnant, six at most. (My vote is for two, in case you were wondering) So the closer I get to three and six, the better my odds are of finally seeing that damned errant second line on an HPT. By the way I completely embrace the fact that this theory is both semi logical and irrationally based. But I'm sticking with it! I HAVE TO. So far hope is all we've got going for us. There are days where it feels like the lines between my determination to be a mother and my infatuation with seeing a positive pregnancy test, blur and I can't decide which one I want more at the moment.

So there it is. Our story in a nutshell.

I look forward to reading all about you!

Twin Peaks

I haven't really been paying attention to any potential symptoms, but there are two that I just cannot ignore. I know I said that "the girls" normally get sore starting the day after I ovulate but they are different this time. To the point where they ache when I reach for something, or sneeze, or WALK. They hurt SO BAD. I can't even sleep on my stomach.

So obviously I still have not tested. I just don't want to see a test until I have a really good reason to think I might see a positive one. But fingers continue to be crossed.

If you have a sore boob story to help build my hope up I'd appreciate it.

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Update

We can add very light spotting to that list now. Just got some slight brownish red when I wiped. Unfortunately I have seen that before a period occasionally...

This is so frustrating. I sort of feel silly for posting this now, because I'm pretty sure I'll be welcoming AF fairly soon...

Some Whining for Your Reading Pleasure

Okay. It's starting to get to me. I was so proud of myself the first week. I wasn't bothered by my tww in the least. But this point in my cycle is when the supposed "magic happens". IF a little embryo is able to implant, it will be in the next few days. And the idea that I will know our fate in less than a week is simply maddening. I hesitated even publishing this post, because acknowledging my anticipation is only going to fuel the fire.

Now all those tww's that I spent googling early symptoms is coming back to bite me - I suddenly wish I didn't know any of them. At least I know I can't fall back on the old sore boobs bit. Mine start getting sore the day after I ovulate. Yeah, that's just as much fun as it sounds. UGH.