Pants All On Fire

Well nothing to report really. I am a week from any news. Last night I spent the entire evening baking for Brian's camping trip to Pismo Beach. I made both of his favorites, Golden Gram Treats (like Rice Krispy Treats but with chocolate chips) and Coffee Cake. TWO batches of each!!! You're Welcome Dear

In addition, I lied to a few friends. I know, I know, where do I find the time? This weekend is Jessica Jones' bachelorette - WOO HOO! Thanks for the invite Jess, I'm SO SORRY I can't make it. But I think once you read this you'll understand why I had to say no. I wouldn't be able to drink and I wouldn't be able to tell you why. So I kinda told Jessica that I would be in Pismo with Brian. And I had to tell the same lie to Tony La Torra because he is very good friends with Jessica and he invited Brian and I out to a concert in the park tomorrow night with he and Sarah.... So you see, I was left with no choice.

So I should warn those whom plan to become pregnant and not tell your friends or family that you are trying. BECOME A GOOD LIAR. I have managed the art of ordering a glass of wine at dinner and taking pretend sips, only to pull the old switcharoo with Brian's empty glass so it looks like mine is all gone. I have joked that I boozed it up the night before, and I'm still fighting off the hang over. Or even pulled out the DD (Designated Driver) card to trump a vodka collins. Brian thinks I am silly, and self conscience. But any woman knows that when a friend, family member or acquaintance of childbearing age turns down a glass of wine - SOMETHING IS UP. Anyway... I will keep you posted as the week goes by. Cross your fingers for me.

Weight For Me

During my five month psychotic break, I packed on an astounding 13 pounds. Anyone who knows me, also knows that I yo-yo. I know exactly how and why the weight comes back after I loose it, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying a good burger. It's like a disease. Not Bulimia or Anorexia, but self entitlement.

When I go through a tough stretch or finally reach a goal. I take that opportunity to indulge in the things that I otherwise would approach with moderation. I joined Weight Watchers again this month. If you want to know the truth I joined a month ago, went in for two meetings and then blew it off for the next three weeks. Mean while it billed my credit card. (Sorry Honey). So my next meeting is tomorrow morning, I have to go in and tell them why I didn't show for three weeks and explain why I have gained back the 4lbs that I lost in my first week. Yuck. But I will go. And in a month I will be able to pull up my pants with out grimacing that they used to be looser.

And the Internet won't make an insurance claim

When I started this blog I had no idea what monumental healing powers it would hold. Only recently have I really been able to take a step back and look at what a mess I was. Part of the reason we didn't tell anyone is because I was concerned that getting pregnant would take so long. I couldn't stand the thought of people knowing that I was having trouble, and I knew how much I'd hate it if someone asked me how things were going on the wrong day. It would be the equivalent of someone pointing out a mistake I'd made to a crowded room. I didn't want to face the anyone, I didn't want to look inadequate or vulnerable. "The brave face." That's me. "Don't ask me how I'm doing and I'll be fine." I know now how toxic that is.

Yesterday I came across a local blog which had a simple entry regarding an interview she had done for an article that deemed blogging "group therapy." I couldn't agree more. Thanks Internet.

If a pregnancy test could be used for currency....

Since I began using Ovulation tests to assist us in "timing" for project: baby griffin; I have accumulated a staggering amount of pregnancy tests. When you buy the Ovulation Kits it comes with free pregnancy tests, like the press on tattoo's in the bottom of a crackerjack box. One time it looked like whom ever packed the box just grabbed a handful and tossed them in to spite the conglomerate they worked for. The ones on the left are the remainder from a four pack of tests that I bought at Costco the weekend after we decided to start trying. They expire in July.

The worst part is I have to order another kit.

Which only means one thing: MORE Free Pregnancy Tests.

If a pregnancy test could be used for currency, I could buy a lithuanian baby.

Nope.

And while that sucks. I'd like to talk a little bit about the man who didn't get me pregnant this month. That's a joke. Honestly I'd like to tell you how wonderful my husband has been.

I, like most women can be pretty complex. And though I often know he would like to run screaming from the room- He doesn't. I try not to get mad when he mutters under his breath that he can't win, because I know he's right. And because I know I am a big jerk. Brian has been incredibly supportive, and has been my only source for positive reinforcement and hope, especially in the last month. And I am grateful for him. He says the all the cute things I want to hear about me being pregnant soon, but am to guarded to say myself. He works a lot of long days, and still finds the guts to come home to a reproductive-obsessed lunatic. So next time you see him give him a big hug. The poor guy has been a hostage for the better part of a year and could probably use a hug with no strings attached.

Thanks honey, I love you.

Yes I am not sure

My period is due today. For the last nine months I have taken a pregnancy test a few days before my period was due. This month I wasn't as eager to receive disappointing news so I waited until this morning to take it. Brian and I found ourselves awake around 5:30am so I decided to get up and take a test. I did my part, and got back in bed while the test sat on the top of the toilet seat in the bathroom. It needs to sit a minimum of 5 minutes for "accurate" results. Brian agreed to get up and check it. So after the five minutes was up, he took a look and then came back to bed with the condolences I was prepared for... I went back to sleep waking up a few hours later to go to work. Yeah so I slept in, what of it?!


Anyway, so it's now 6:30 pm, and still no period. No period and a negative pregnancy test... This is what I am talking about, with the ups and downs. Stress could be delaying my period. Simple as that. But I didn't feel stressed about it. I felt excited. Is it possible that I got a false negative? Yes. Is it likely? No. So I am either one day late, as has happened before, or I got a false negative. Or my husband whom requires eye glasses to watch TV or drive did not wear them this morning while looking at the test, could not see it as clearly as he thought.

Earlier this evening while I should have been working. I went back to amazon.com to check out the reviews on the brand of test I am using. I was pleasantly surprised to see that many women hadn't gotten the "early" results as promised by the company. I have to say it was pretty nice reading those reveiws about false negatives and all those women who said that they couldn't get an early result. I really hope I could be one of those statistics. I genuinely believe we did everything right this month. As far as timing goes. Get your mind out of the gutter. UGH... Will I get my period tonight? Or tomorrow morning? Should I even bother testing tomorrow? This is the part that sucks. How do I forget about these times, where I'm so up and down. Like every month I am surprised by my volatile emotions.


At any rate, it's more of the wait and see game. I'll keep you updated. Wish me luck.

Peachy

We cleaned out the spare room that we call the "peach room" yesterday. The reason we call it that is because it is a decidedly hideous color of peach. And when we first moved in we had absolutely no idea what to do with it. So it stayed that way.

We made the decision to clean in there because Parker went in there to sleep on the spare bed and we couldn't find him for three whole days. Truly it was a disaster... I kept calling it the "Staging Room". Brian kept pretending it didn't exist. So once we were able to actually clear a spot large enough to recognize the carpet, I quickly sat down and dreamt of the possibilities. I thought about the colors we could paint it when the time comes that it needs to exist for more than just a place we hide things from unexpected company. I thought about Mother's Day, and when it would be my turn to celebrate it... I don't think it will be this year. I won't know for a few more days but my plan is to keep assuming it will happening the following month.

Anyway, Happy Mother's Day, hope it's peachy!

Gulp...

Here we go, I am another week away from either banishing fish, coffee, nonpasturized cheeses and sadly wine or on my way to indulging in all four. Another week of wait and see.