Nope: The ICLW Edition

Hello there folks! Welcome to my blog. I've been sleeping with an HPT under my pillow for what seems like a fricken ETERNITY but is actually just over two years now. My husband and I were diagnosed with severe MFI in December 2008. (Almost our crapiversary!) After that we spent a very long time planning our next move and decided to go on to Donor Insemination - Which is not going very well at all. Not the donor part, but the insemination and me actually getting pregnant part.

I found out this morning that our 5th dIUI cycle failed. FIFTH! I still have the damn lopsided First Response test sitting next to me. I'm glaring at it, but nothing is changing in that little window - there's something my hormones can't scare into submission.

I can't fucking believe it didn't work AGAIN.

A little more history - Supposedly there is nothing "wrong" with me. "You'll be pregnant in no time" said my RE, and I believed him! So we started with three natural IUI's- back to back and OPK monitored. The last two have been with Letrozole/Femara and Prometrium. My body has responded well, getting two follicles from each round of meds, but still nothing. Neither myself, nor my RE have any idea why it hasn't worked so far, and it's really starting to piss me off. We plan to do one more cycle with Letrozole, then rob a bank so we can afford a more aggressive approach, because the last 5 cycles have damn near sucked us dry. Okay, FINE, actually we're going to do one more cycle then take a break to save up some cash. Then we'll likely move on to injectables.

Sorry for all of the rambling. If you are interested in a more DI related post you can read this one. It covers a lot. Well I look forward to reading all of your blogs, thanks for stopping by!

Nope.

I can't even begin to express my sadness and frustration. I don't know how fucking much more disappointment I can take. We are swiftly running out of emotional and financial resources to continue doing this. I feel helpless.

How could it be negative?

We had every odd in our favor. I had two giant follicles, perfect timing, and a decent motile count.

I'm so infuriated.

So defeated.

H.S.G. = D.O.N.E.

Yesterday I had my HSG. It was rather painful from start to finish, Oh but I don't just meant the procedure. Basically the entire visit. I sat around in the waiting room with Teresa, who was sweet enough to take me because they recommend you don't drive home yourself. Finally they called my name and took me into a small room where they gave me a two gowns to put on (one for the front and one for the back) I sat around a little more and a lovely woman named Jill came to walk me to my exam room. She was the assistant technician to the radiologist. Before he came in she asked me a few questions regarding what day of my cycle I was on and the length and flow of my last period. I mentioned something about how my period was like a minute shorter than it normally was and she turned around and looked at me like I told her there could be weapon of mass destruction in my vagina. After shear panic set in for me, she hurried out of the room and came back to tell me that I needed to take a pregnancy test. So I said fine, I was hoping to see another negative pregnancy test this month anyway, just give me something to pee on. Despite the fact that I was IN A HOSPITAL, Jill had no tests and insisted that either I or Teresa go to a drugstore and buy a pregnancy test. Let me just reiterate that little scenario in case you didn't catch it all: I was at the HOSPITAL for a test, because after 15 months of trying to get pregnant, I was still unsuccessful, but BEFORE they could give me this test, at THE HOSPITAL, they needed to make sure that 4 days after my last period, I still wasn't pregnant. GOT THAT?!

Good Lord. So Teresa ran to the store and got me the test and OF FUCKING COURSE, it was negative. So they finally took me back to the exam room and began prepping me for the procedure. Jill was very nice and explained everything to me like I was a 5 year old. Which I actually appreciated. The exam room was pretty intimidating it was nice to have my hand held a little. The radiologist came in, Dr. Knapper, as soon as I laid down on the table he said, "Whoa you're tall, how tall are you?" I told him I was 5'10ish, and he said "well you're going to have to scoot down on the table a little more" Then he said "You can never be too thin, too rich, or too far down on the table". He immediately apologized with a giggle and and said that he had to make a joke because I looked a little tense. I laughed. He was pretty nice. It was kind of cool because while they were doing it I was able to watch the monitor and got to see the dye fill up my uterus and spill out of my fallopian tubes. Pretty nutty. So I explained the procedure once before here. But let me just sum it up with: IT HURT. A LOT. I was pretty crampy and tender for the rest of the night, and even into this morning. But I feel fine now, all is well. And the best part is he said my test looked fine. Uterus looked normal, tubes were clear... I'm hoping that I will be amongst the small percentage of women who successfully conceive in the three months after an hsg. No pressure though right?

If a pregnancy test could be used for currency....

Since I began using Ovulation tests to assist us in "timing" for project: baby griffin; I have accumulated a staggering amount of pregnancy tests. When you buy the Ovulation Kits it comes with free pregnancy tests, like the press on tattoo's in the bottom of a crackerjack box. One time it looked like whom ever packed the box just grabbed a handful and tossed them in to spite the conglomerate they worked for. The ones on the left are the remainder from a four pack of tests that I bought at Costco the weekend after we decided to start trying. They expire in July.

The worst part is I have to order another kit.

Which only means one thing: MORE Free Pregnancy Tests.

If a pregnancy test could be used for currency, I could buy a lithuanian baby.

Yes I am not sure

My period is due today. For the last nine months I have taken a pregnancy test a few days before my period was due. This month I wasn't as eager to receive disappointing news so I waited until this morning to take it. Brian and I found ourselves awake around 5:30am so I decided to get up and take a test. I did my part, and got back in bed while the test sat on the top of the toilet seat in the bathroom. It needs to sit a minimum of 5 minutes for "accurate" results. Brian agreed to get up and check it. So after the five minutes was up, he took a look and then came back to bed with the condolences I was prepared for... I went back to sleep waking up a few hours later to go to work. Yeah so I slept in, what of it?!


Anyway, so it's now 6:30 pm, and still no period. No period and a negative pregnancy test... This is what I am talking about, with the ups and downs. Stress could be delaying my period. Simple as that. But I didn't feel stressed about it. I felt excited. Is it possible that I got a false negative? Yes. Is it likely? No. So I am either one day late, as has happened before, or I got a false negative. Or my husband whom requires eye glasses to watch TV or drive did not wear them this morning while looking at the test, could not see it as clearly as he thought.

Earlier this evening while I should have been working. I went back to amazon.com to check out the reviews on the brand of test I am using. I was pleasantly surprised to see that many women hadn't gotten the "early" results as promised by the company. I have to say it was pretty nice reading those reveiws about false negatives and all those women who said that they couldn't get an early result. I really hope I could be one of those statistics. I genuinely believe we did everything right this month. As far as timing goes. Get your mind out of the gutter. UGH... Will I get my period tonight? Or tomorrow morning? Should I even bother testing tomorrow? This is the part that sucks. How do I forget about these times, where I'm so up and down. Like every month I am surprised by my volatile emotions.


At any rate, it's more of the wait and see game. I'll keep you updated. Wish me luck.

To Test, or Not to Test.....

It's surprisingly tough to decide. The pregnancy tests that I have, I ordered online. They are a no frills version of the standard test. Similar to what they use at a hospital or clinic. But at a fraction of the price you pay at the store. I bought 40 ovulation tests and 10 pregnancy tests for $25.00. Some stores charge that much for a single pregnancy test. They are also much more sensitive than the standard over the counter test. Your typical over the counter test can allow you to test up to 3 - 5 days before your missed period. The tests I have will allow you to test 6 - 8 days before your period or 7 - 10 Days Passed Ovulation (DPO). I believe it is safer to test by your DPO date. I am 7 days PO. I'm sure most of you are like: "How can you even question it??? I would want to know as soon as possible!"

Well for me, the possibility of knowing early can be a blessing and a curse. Even though I could technically test tomorrow morning, it is still possible to get a false negative. Which doesn't sound like a bad thing, right? The problem is, if I were to test first thing tomorrow morning (most "early" tests recommend that you use first mornings urine) and it came up negative, I would be super bummed but still have that slight hope that it is in fact, a false negative. And if at the end of the week I still get my period, I then get the extreme pleasure of a sock to the gut twice in one week. Not so fun. The other part of it is I could actually be pregnant and receive a positive result on the test, but then have what they call an "early miscarriage" which occurs like your regular period. So you technically wouldn't even know you're pregnant because your period starts on time. But I would know because I tested early...Do you see what I mean???? Do you see what I have been going through for S-E-V-E-N Months?!

I guess I am trying to protect myself . It's SO easy to get excited that this month might be "the month". And it's SO hard when you realize that another month has gone by and you are still not pregnant. Actually, it's excruciating. That is why waiting is not as hard as it was the first few months.

What I want to know is: Why don't they talk about the emotional roller coaster you go through in the any of the books?!!! I read two books about getting pregnant and neither of them went over how shitty it feels to get a negative pregnancy test, or how desperate you feel when you get your period. Again. What's that saying about grief and anger? Never mind. =)


I think I'll wait.