Defying Science

Ninety-nine percent of women using Lupron for more than 38 days would have seen a cyst/follicle collapse, and experienced bleeding shortly thereafter.

But not me.

According to Dr.3, my body is "defying science"…

Yesterday was CD30, so with no spotting to speak of I promptly picked up my phone and left a message for one of the nurses at my clinic. She called me back and with sincere sympathy asked if I’d be free for an u/s and blood draw first thing this morning.

I woke up early after being startled by a dream where at my ultrasound they found two more cysts and my lining was at 30mm (can you imagine? That would be the period to end all periods) Oh and the clinic was set up downtown and my room had a big giant picture window on the corner of a busy street. Making my hoohaa part of their window display. Dr.3 kept telling me not to worry about thaaat...

I didn’t go to this u/s expecting great news. I went in praying to receive a glimmer of hope and at the very least some information as to what the crap is going on.

The cyst is still there. And it’s bigger. BUT it’s bigger laterally – as in not round. It’s an oblong shape which implies that it’s in the process of collapsing. And my lining is down from 8mm, to 5mm. Which is good. The Lupron and my body are doing what they are supposed to, just at a profoundly slow rate. Dr. 3 thinks I could see my period within the next week, but to be safe they scheduled me for an u/s and blood draw for a week from today in case I don’t get my period by then.

I have mixed feelings about this information mostly because it appears as though my body is doing everything it's supposed to but at a snails fucking pace.  And then there are the mysterious goings on that have led to nothing: A)Three weeks ago I felt Ovulation pains. It's a very distinct type of pressure, that is to me, unmistakable. But obviously this thing is still around - so what the hell was that then??? 2) The Rage - what the crap was that all about? I literally felt crazy and I have the blog post to prove it. C) The other pms symptoms I usually get have come and gone... Oilier than normal hair and skin, sore/swollen breasts, bloating. Now nothing. I feel great. And what's worse is according to Dr.3 I should be having significant hot flashes as an indication that my estrogen is going down.  But, nope. I'm right as the mail. 

I feel angry and cheated by my body and circumstances. I wanted a January cycle, and with the long lupron protocol scheduling, I ended up in February. Now with this stupid delay I'm looking at a March retrieval and transfer. I STARTED THIS DAMN CYCLE IN DECEMBER- there must be a metal or badge or free fucking toaster for having the longest IVF cycle ever recorded. In the whole wide world. EVER.

But on a better note, I just got the call and my E2 is down to 125. From 346, and 414, and 391. So thank fucking Karl Lagerfeld for that. Except if my levels keep moving down at the same rate I'm looking at another nine days before I'm below 70 to get the go-ahead for stims. So I'll hang on to my white flag, and continue with obsessively check the toilet paper for some sign of menses. ANY SIGN.

Thanks for putting up with my ridiculousness. And mood swings. At least most of you can be thankful you don't know me in real life. Save Brian... Poor monkey.

Melissa G. - OUT.

Of Voracity and Rage

My period is still MIA.

Today is CD23, precisely 15 days after I'm sure that thing ruptured. And I'm feeling, how shall I say it... A little punchy-stabby.

But if I'm being honest, I'd gauge it more along the lines of homicidal. It feels almost out of body. Like I can picture my rage in a box, and then I can see myself throwing my body over the top of it to protect those around me, lest it detonate and wipe out the greater Bay Area.

I'm hoping this is my body's way of saying "You're period will be here any second so you can get on with the debt-riddling-baby-making gig you've been planning on for the last 14 months, already..." Because I certainly don't think this has anything to do with Lupron. I've been on it for exactly 30 days now, without the slightest symptom (I'm lucky, I know). So this wrath is puzzling to me, because while I'm certainly capable of a little circumstantial rage, the volatility of my fury is very uncommon and just the slightest bit alarming.  

I'm also binging on sugar and grease like a suicidal junkie. I gave up all sources of caffeine including chocolate weeks ago, but the snarling voice in my head forced me to inhale half a bag of Valenti.nes Day Dov.e Chocolates that I got from the 50% off bin at the drug store. I am literally shaking from the excessive sugar and caffeine intake, but oddly enough I feel a little less like impaling the UPS guy with my letter opener, so I guess that's a step in the right direction.

I still don't understand what the hell is going on with my body. And there is literally nothing I can do until my period shows. Thanks for all of your thoughtful comments, now please send some menstrual thoughts my way because if things continue like this I fear for the safety of the people around me.

GOD SPEED AF, GOD SPEED.

Eureka

I'll call my clinic at 9am, and go in for the first of two IUI's.

It's about fucking time.

Still Nothing....

I sent an email to my RE because I am officially four days past due. He said to call him Monday if I still haven't gotten positive by then... Very helpful. My clinic is open on the weekends, so I'm not worried. Just tired of peeing in and on things...

I've gone through like $70.00 dollars in tests. Almost two boxes of CBE digital OPK's, and the rest of my Internet cheapies. (I can normally get by with 3 CBE's and 3 Internet Cheapies)... I'll be back at target tomorrow morning to buy more tests.

I'm not mad or frustrated anymore. This is really weird for me. Come rain, sleet, or snow, my ovaries have always performed. What are the possibilities that through the last two years we've had MFI, and now that we've come up with a solution my girlie parts go on strike????

Postive OPK - MIA

Okay, sorry I've been slacking. I've been busy...and stuff, I guess. I don't really have a good excuse. Can you forgive me?

So here's my latest update via bullet point.

• I should have gotten a positive OPK yesterday. My cycle for the most part is extraordinarily regular. (I realize that I am lucky)
• Today is CD16 of 31.
• I ran out of the unreasonably expensive Cle.ar.Blu.e.Easy digital OPK's this morning. I can normally get by with 3 or 4 per cycle, because I am SUPPOSEDLY that regular. (My RE prefers that I use that brand)
• I normally buy them from Amazon.com because they are cheaper and I like the privacy and convenience of having them shipped to my house. I went to THREE different stores trying to find more. I went to two this morning before work finally ending up at Targ.et on my lunch, where I found out they cost TEN dollars LESS than the other two stores I went to. And it turns out the Target price is about the same as amazon.
• I looked back at my outlook calendar over the last TWO years where I efficiently marked the day that I ovulated and the day when AF showed. I got positive OPK's on CD18 three times within that time frame. My period then was effectively pushed back three days.
• Fortunately my clinic is open on the weekends so I'm not worried about the fact that I may have to do it then. And actually it's more convenient that way because I won't have to take time off work. (currently doing unmedicated dIUI's)
• I am SUPER annoyed with this delay.

Sorry for the ranting and unwarranted bitchiness. I just want to get this show on the road, ya know???

*********************

Update 8/12/2009 at 11:54am PST

The only second line I have ever seen is failing me. Still NO positive.

I should also say that I was not in anyway stressed or concerned about this cycle before yesterday. I was feeling pretty indifferent actually.

I have been testing 3-4 times per day since Sunday (CD13), so there is NO way that I missed my peak. Also I get cramps and pressure before I ovulate, and I've had none. CM has disappeared as well. Not that there was much of it in the last few days anyway.

Could this be my first annovulatory cycle???

Maybe I should just stick with Clare's comment...

Sticking A Fork In The Baby Making Road

What if I never know what its like to see that second line on a home pregnancy test? What if we can never have kids?

I have recently been reading other women's blogs about TTC. Most of them are much further into the journey than I am. Most of them are talking about fertility treatments that include pills, shots, creams, and even surgery. Most of them have been trying for years and have spent thousands of dollars and still haven't gotten pregnant.

What if we don't want to go that far? What we don't want to adopt?

I feel like we have been through so much in the last year. But in comparison to the heartache that some couples have been through, we ain't seen nothin' yet. I feel like this really may not happen for us. And it's not sadness talking, but maybe a kind of resolve. Like I am coming to terms with the fact that it may not be in the cards for us. I feel like the time is closing in on what kind of discussions we need to start having together then with our families. I hate that two weeks ago I was ready to break down the doors of the first Fertility Clinic I found and jump into their stirrups, and now. Well now I don't know if I want to deal with any of that. Part of me wants to just find out if we can or not. But then I think about the people who didn't take that route. I have one friend who tried for two years then finally got pregnant - with no medical intervention. We have some friends who tried for nine years and some who tried for thirteen and finally got their baby... Do I want to hang on that long? I don't know.

What we will spend our double incomes on? What sort of exotic vacations are in store for us?

That probably sounds insensitive right? Well what if I'm feeling insensitive?! Haven't I earned the right to be sarcastic and cold?

I was five days late this month. FIVE. I have never been that late. I took at test last night and it was negative. Then I got my period this afternoon. We technically took last month off because of the medication I had to take for that rash. Brian and I were still careful and didn't "try". But lets just say our method was not exactly bomb proof. So when I was late this week I was all: NO WAY! Are you kidding me? That would be just like us to get it right when we were trying to get it wrong! But we didn't... And that medication? Well it fucked me all up. It gave me such bad vertigo I was afraid to drive. And Sunday I had such strong fatigue that I barely got out of bed all day. It felt like the time I had carbon monoxide poisoning. Ugh. Where do we go from here?

Yes I am not sure

My period is due today. For the last nine months I have taken a pregnancy test a few days before my period was due. This month I wasn't as eager to receive disappointing news so I waited until this morning to take it. Brian and I found ourselves awake around 5:30am so I decided to get up and take a test. I did my part, and got back in bed while the test sat on the top of the toilet seat in the bathroom. It needs to sit a minimum of 5 minutes for "accurate" results. Brian agreed to get up and check it. So after the five minutes was up, he took a look and then came back to bed with the condolences I was prepared for... I went back to sleep waking up a few hours later to go to work. Yeah so I slept in, what of it?!


Anyway, so it's now 6:30 pm, and still no period. No period and a negative pregnancy test... This is what I am talking about, with the ups and downs. Stress could be delaying my period. Simple as that. But I didn't feel stressed about it. I felt excited. Is it possible that I got a false negative? Yes. Is it likely? No. So I am either one day late, as has happened before, or I got a false negative. Or my husband whom requires eye glasses to watch TV or drive did not wear them this morning while looking at the test, could not see it as clearly as he thought.

Earlier this evening while I should have been working. I went back to amazon.com to check out the reviews on the brand of test I am using. I was pleasantly surprised to see that many women hadn't gotten the "early" results as promised by the company. I have to say it was pretty nice reading those reveiws about false negatives and all those women who said that they couldn't get an early result. I really hope I could be one of those statistics. I genuinely believe we did everything right this month. As far as timing goes. Get your mind out of the gutter. UGH... Will I get my period tonight? Or tomorrow morning? Should I even bother testing tomorrow? This is the part that sucks. How do I forget about these times, where I'm so up and down. Like every month I am surprised by my volatile emotions.


At any rate, it's more of the wait and see game. I'll keep you updated. Wish me luck.