My period is still MIA.
Today is CD23, precisely 15 days after I'm sure that thing ruptured. And I'm feeling, how shall I say it... A little punchy-stabby.
But if I'm being honest, I'd gauge it more along the lines of homicidal. It feels almost out of body. Like I can picture my rage in a box, and then I can see myself throwing my body over the top of it to protect those around me, lest it detonate and wipe out the greater Bay Area.
I'm hoping this is my body's way of saying "You're period will be here any second so you can get on with the debt-riddling-baby-making gig you've been planning on for the last 14 months, already..." Because I certainly don't think this has anything to do with Lupron. I've been on it for exactly 30 days now, without the slightest symptom (I'm lucky, I know). So this wrath is puzzling to me, because while I'm certainly capable of a little circumstantial rage, the volatility of my fury is very uncommon and just the slightest bit alarming.
I'm also binging on sugar and grease like a suicidal junkie. I gave up all sources of caffeine including chocolate weeks ago, but the snarling voice in my head forced me to inhale half a bag of Valenti.nes Day Dov.e Chocolates that I got from the 50% off bin at the drug store. I am literally shaking from the excessive sugar and caffeine intake, but oddly enough I feel a little less like impaling the UPS guy with my letter opener, so I guess that's a step in the right direction.
I still don't understand what the hell is going on with my body. And there is literally nothing I can do until my period shows. Thanks for all of your thoughtful comments, now please send some menstrual thoughts my way because if things continue like this I fear for the safety of the people around me.
GOD SPEED AF, GOD SPEED.
20 comments:
This entire thing just BLOWS. I just wish you could find a deserving target to target that rage towards, but there never is anybody.
Hope AF shows up soon!
Many of Lupron's side effects are actually from the low estrogen levels it's supposed to produce. So I'd take this as a hopeful sign that your e2 is dropping. :)
uggg sounds like we are in the same boat...waiting for our period to start to get this 'show on the road'!! YUM!! those dove chocolates are my FAV!!! Heres to AF coming NOW!!
I could be wrong, but I feel like you are on the edge of that maddening anger that can come with IF. Hold on, you can do this and AF will show. In the mean time, take some searious "me time." You might have your usual stuff to help manage these sometimes overwhelming feelings. Keep doing that stuff and maybe mix it up a bit and do something entirely different. Get a massage or manicure or try some reflexology. Change up your workout routine and maybe go for a swim and beat it out in the water. Or kick it old school and get some play-doh or a coloring book. Seriously, the stuff can be surprisingly relaxing and soothing.
Sending you flowing thoughts and (((HUGS))).
Can you try to do something "special" to "enjoy" the "downtime"? (I put all of those things in quotes because I know it's not really those things - but maybe it will help).
I am so sorry your in this anxiety filled waiting period. It sucks. I'm angry with you and wish I could do something to help. If I lived closer I would just come over and bring lots of chick flicks or something...
makingmemom.blogspot.com
hang in there, hoping that AF finally shows for you. thinking of you and sending lots of love your way....
sending lots of menstrual vibes in your direction. That just seems so weird to say when for ages we've avoided AF like the plague but bring on the crimson flow, let's get this show on the road! The whorebag has left the building!
Just put on some white pants already! :)
How frustrating! C'mon, AF, do your thing!!!
Bring it on, auntie! Bring it on!
It's Melissa's turn, dammit! Let's get this show on the road!
Definitely sounds like PMS. I hope it's not long and drawn out PMS and that good old AF is imminent!
I'm so frustrated for you and angry, but I'm thinking like the other's that your "rage" might be AF coming. Here's hoping she shows up very soon. Lots of love my friend. Just a road block, remember.
Come on AF...quit dicking around!!!
I really enjoy your blog...you are hysterical!!
May these early roadblocks be the only ones you face.
May Aunt Betty get here already (if she hasn't come already!).
May peace and calm makes its way to you...and once it gets there, please send some back this way.
Big, BIG hugs.
Over from someone else's blog...I agree with Marissa way up there--Sounds like your e2 is nice and extremely low which is good for starting the ivf fun, bad for those around you. The rage you're describing that I've been through too is this total out of body experience for me. I can step outside myself and see myself making a move with some household object towards something living (ala letter opener to ups guy). I recommend lots of chocolate, as you're doing, and a bit of seclusion to keep others safe :)
Thinking of you and sending you hugs. I'm so sorry that your body continues to do unexplainable things. It's so frustrating!! Hey - if the chocolates help - embrace them.
It has taken me a couple of days to respond to your post. I hope that you have been suffering from AF and that has kept you from blogging these last couple of days...
I know that you have GOT to be super frustrated. There is nothing worse that sitting around waiting (and waiting and waiting) and feeling as if there is nothing you can do to make things speed up.
I will be wishing her God Speed as well.
I am hoping by now she has reared her ugly but welcome (this time only!) head. If not I'll be working hard at sending those vibes your way.
There is nothing worse than wanting our AF to actually show up. I think she gets confused - too many mixed messages from not wanting it to show because we want to be pregnant to wanting her to show so we can try to get pregnant. Hang in there... small steps forward are still moving you forward.
xoxo
Ugg. The waiting is infuriating. Just infuriating.
Thanks for your support on my blog. It helps so much knowing I am not alone on this crazy journey.
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