Accountability

I'm not sure whether to thank you all, or yell at you for letting me off the hook. What do you mean, what am I talking about?!?! I'm talking about the big fat ass of mine that I was supposed to get rid of three months ago. Remember this post, when I said I had started a diet, and already lost a few pounds, and that I'd put a ticker up shortly?! Well I never put a ticker, and I gained those few extra pounds back in one- Boston-Market-sitting. Man, I could eat their sweet potatoes EVERY. DAMN. DAY. Maybe a with a little side of Mac & cheese. Oh dude, and their Chicken Pot Pie? I'd cut a bitch for their Chicken Pot Pie... It's that good.

Annnnnd that's my problem.

I love food. So, so much. Good day or bad, it's a perfect reason to cook up something comforting. Ten minutes in my kitchen is really much harder on my diet than a half hour at a Burger King. Okay maybe that's not a fair comparison. Fried food is not my problem. I'd pick a wheel of double cream Brie over a plate of fries ANY DAY. Seriously, cheese is one of my weakest spots. Oh and Peanut Butter. I actually don't really care for, nor do I visit fast food places often. So other than my Peanut Butter and cheese habits, portions are my other problem. I'm guilty of eating when I'm not hungry, just cause it sounds good. An extra scoop of rice, so I don't have to dirty a Tupperware container? Why not.

So yes my weight has always fluctuated a bit. In the two years after we got married, I gained a good 35 pounds. It wasn't because I stopped caring - like I didn't have to try anymore because I was married. I actually call it Happy Fat. I was loving life, and cooking my way in to oblivion. Then I joined Weight Watchers and lost 45 pounds. Got back to my high school weight. And I felt really, really good. I gained a little of it back but lost it again in the spring of 2007 because we were going to try for a baby. And when it didn't happen right away things pretty much started to go down hill from there. The depression and heartache I endured was too much at some point and I turned back to food to make me happy.

But I'm ready to do something about it now. And it's not really about the way I look. It's more about the way I feel. I don't feel as good as I do when I'm eating better and exercising regularly. So last week, I started Weight Watchers. Again. And it's going alright. I think the first week is one of the toughest - for me. Getting used to planning every single meal and sticking with the smaller portions is not easy. But I drink my weight in water to avoid an empty stomach, and I stick with my motto for this point in my diet: If you're not hungry; you're not doing it right... A month from now, the portions I'm eating will be more than enough, and making the right choices won't be so difficult. I know that once I loose the amount of weight I want to, I can go back to eating cheese and peanut butter in moderation, and as long as I keep exercising regularly. I used to hate running, but now I love it. It really clears my head.

Anyway, I went in to get weighed this morning. My first week I lost 4.7 pounds at home or 2.8 pounds on the WW scale (with all my clothes on). And if you look up and to your right, you'll see my new weight loss ticker. Just to keep me in line.

Here I go...

Blogher Anyone?

When you're open with your friends about your infertility, it can sometimes negatively effect/impact those relationships. Especially when they get pregnant. You may remember the friends I mentioned who avoided us for several months, then finally called us when they couldn't hide it anymore were twenty weeks along. Then to add insult to injury I never got an invitation to her shower... It was later determined that her mother had used the address list from her wedding (Brian and I were both in the wedding party) which had our old P.O. Box listed, so I never got it. Even though we have gone to see their baby, and Brian and the husband keep in contact, our friendship has never been the same. And occasionally whilst taking stock of things, I'd feel sad about it. But as of last week I feel worse. The husband I spoke of was recently diagnosed with a pretty advanced form of Lung Cancer. He's 34.

It's shocking, and sad. And I have a lot of mixed emotions about it. Brian is taking it pretty hard. It's scary when you start to think about how short life really is, or can be. And thought of cancer has been haunting me lately. Yes, our situation with infertility sucks. But it's not life threatening. I haven't been able to complain to myself about much lately because I keep thinking - at least we're healthy. We're so lucky to be able to say that.

Then today I came across this post from A Year of Slow Cooking's blog. Her best friend' s sister has Breast Cancer. Her best friend also happens to work for a little company called Blogher, and is holding a raffle for those who donate to her sister's fund for medical bills that aren't covered by insurance. The Prize? A Full Conference Pass to the SOLD OUT 2010 Blogher Convention in New York City. Not too shabby.

I'll be the first to speak up about how much infertility sucks, but I think it's only than fair to say that Cancer sucks more.

This one time, in Georgia...

I'm going to go ahead and spoil the end of my post for you right now.

My trip was fucking awesome ya'll.

Better than I had any right to expect. Finally meeting four women in person that I have admired and have been given an immeasurable amont of support from was truly amazing. But I find myself regretful for the short amount of time I had with them. To say my trip was a whirlwind would be a gross understatement, but it was absolutely wonderful. And yes of course, I over packed for it.

Last Friday began with me rolling out of bed at 3:30am. I say "rolling out of bed", because using any other phrase would imply that I actually slept that night. I threw myself together and my wonderful husband got me to the airport by 4:30am for my 6:00am flight. Though the travel time was only about four and a half hours I could hardly sit still. Could that have been from the coffee I drank at home and mocha I guzzled at the airport lounge? Possibly, but I like to think it was out of shear anticpation of finally meeting my friends. By the way, that coffee did me no favors. Just ask the two people sitting next to me about the three separate times I had to ask them to get up out of their seats so I could scoot across the row only to wait in line again for the cramped Lavatory. (I had the window seat. DOH!)

After a fair amount of turbulence during our decent into ATL, we landed safely, and once we were given the go ahead I quickly turned on my phone and a flurry of text messages ensued. "Just landed!! WOOO HOOO". Carli and Melissa greeted me near baggage holding a cute little sign with my name on it. Gawd was I glad to see them... Jamie's flight was delayed a bit, but the time flew by as our cheery conversations rambled on. And once her flight landed we were on our way to dinner and then finally on to the house.

Carli was an exemplary hostess, she made us all feel like we really were at home. Her smile and laughter is merely an extension of her colossal heart. Carli thank you again for taking us all in. You have such a beautiful home, and it's obvious how much love and hard work you and Derek have put into it.

Another great thing about their house? THEY HAVE DOGS!!!!

How could you not LOVE these faces?! I came THISCLOSE to packing them up in my carry on.

I give you Dakota and Murphy, respectively.

Saturday morning began with fresh brewed coffee and a loaf of Cinnamon Streusel bread. Then we were off to site see at the Georgia Aquarium. Which is not just any Aquarium, but the worlds largest I'll have you know. On our way, we spotted this office:

A joke only an infertile would get.

Evidently "Cervical" is another word for your back or spine.

At 550,000 square feet (including the tanks) the aquarium did not disappoint.

This is a Wolf Eel. Fierce, huh?

And what's a tourist trap without a tacky souvenir?

We concluded our Down Town Atlanta viewing with a group photo in Centennial Olympic Park.

(Me, Jamie, Melissa, Carli)

Followed by some more adult like behavoir...

Then we went back to the house and drank.

Okay, it was actually more like this:

After a long day of walking and laughing and talking we headed to the house to make homemade pizza's. (Which by the way, came out PHENOMENAL.) That evening was probably my most favorite part of the trip. This was were we sat around and talked and learned more about each other than just the common affliction that initially brought us all together. Jamie (pictured above) is funny and clever and incredibly sincere. Melissa is kind and thoughtful and the perfect amount of silly. I really could go on and on about the intricate details that make me feel like I've known these women my entire life, but I sort of want to keep that between us. In short, they are more remarkable than I could ever describe and I feel so grateful to call them my friends.

A couple bottles of wine, a box of chocolates, a chick flick and an array of nutty Yo.utube Video's later we all settled in for bed. And before I knew it, it was Sunday morning and time for me to pack up. My ride to the airport would be arriving shortly after 10am. But this ride wasn't just some old airport shuttle, it was a friendly face. Yet another I had only ever seen online. While I have loyaly read her countless brilliant posts, and shared a few emails; meeting her in person was quite an honor. Murgdan arrived at the house promptly at 10:30. After I said my goodbye's and hugged my friends, we headed south to grab a little brunch before I had to be at the airport, and she to a shower. As we headed down Highway 85, we breezily chatted about all the fascinating infertile topics you might suspect while I lost count of the number of Waffle House signs I saw hovering above nearly every exit. And yes, she is just as funny and smart in person as you'd imagine.

Murgdan on the left, me on the right.

(this was not at a Waffle House, btw)

I know this post was extremely long and if you made this far, I owe you one. I really could write a thousand more words about this trip, and it still would not do these ladies justice. Which is the main reason it has taken me almost A WEEK to post it - I swear I've rewritten it a gajillion times. (And this is what she came up with?!) I also struggled with what the title of this post should be, my other option was "The Blogger Went Down to Georgia", but I decided on this one, which I have to give Carli credit for. She said it in one of our many emails regarding this trip.

I want to take a moment to thank all of you for your support over the last few months and even years. I wish I could spend at least a weekend with each one of you. I continue to be awestruck by the countless number of outstanding women I've met here.

And now it's time for me to apologize for my lack of commenting... Things have been REALLY crazy lately so my commenting has been uber lousy - and I'm sorry for that. I've been checking up on most of you, but not had the time to leave a note. Please know I plan to get back on track VERY soon!!!

Inconsistency

Thank you all for the birthday wishes, my weekend was better than I could have hoped for. We went to dinner Friday night, did a movie marathon Saturday during the day, then finished up by using my spa gift cards (from Christmas) to get both of us massages! Which were fantastic save one thing. My girls. O-M-F-G do my boobs hurt. Laying on my stomach while the masseuse was doing my back was borderline agony. I almost asked her to stop. I've grown accustomed to the typical cast of characters as far as my PMS goes, but it's been all over the place since dealing with meds. Namely the progesterone. Sore boobs have always been a significant symptom, they'd start getting sore the day after I ovulated, and continue that way until I got my period. But once I started the progesterone the soreness was gone... HALLELUJAH!!! I sort of welcomed all the other crappy side effects from the Prometrium because I had been spared from the two weeks of barely being able to sleep on my stomach because my girls hurt so bad... Actually the worst part was taking off my bra at the end of the day.

But now my last two cycles have been fairly strange. The first period I had after my last BFN was nine days early. And I'm fairly certain I didn't ovulate, I'm one of the freaks who can feel it, and I never had any EWCM. And I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate in February either because again both main indicators were MIA. As was my period, which this time was nine days late. And all the while, my girls stayed silent. Until I got my period, she showed up the day after I finally gave in and tested. (No miracle BFP for us, no way, no how!) So since the day my tardy period showed up my girls have been sore. I finally ovulated on Wednesday last week and from that day on they've gotten even MORE sore - GAH! At one point Brian got so tired of hearing me complain that he barked out: "Jesus, you should go get them checked out!" As if they're sprained ankles or something... I was about to sarcastically thank him for his compassion when he quipped that it would probably suck a lot if his boys were sore for weeks at a time. Indeed, Sir.

Anyone else have anything like that? - Odd cycles and strong PMS symptoms after stopping medicated cycles?

Anyway, where was I ? Right - the weekend. So yes, I had a lovely birthday although I insisted that Brian not call it my "birthday weekend" and just call it my "me-time". I didn't really want to acknowledge it much. Thirty one - oy vey. It's not that I feel old or anything, it's just absorbing the fact that I'm not twenty-two anymore. Which in a way - thank gawd for that. But you know what I mean... Back to my "me-time" I think hands down the best part of my weekend was having Brian all to myself. He's been pretty busy with his company as of late, so it was quite the treat to steal him away. Thanks for spoiling me dear.

Georgia On My Mind

In a little over a week from now I'll be heading to Atlanta for a weekend of fun with a few incredible ladies that I've only ever spoken to online.

In September of 2008, at just over a year of trying, I made my first attempt in searching for other women who weren't pregnant after a year either and stumbled upon an online forum with a “trying to conceive over a year” board. Little did I know that this group would become my saving grace in the treacherous early stages of IF. Where everything is scary, and you feel really alone, and you don’t even know enough to know that you don’t know about the path you are about to embark on.

Carli, Des, Ellie, Jamie, Lau, Katie, Kerri, and Melissa, (I listed you in Alphabetical order because you’re all equally amazing) my cheerleaders, my rocks, my virtual tissue passers, I don’t know how to thank you all for your unwavering support. They were with me even before we started testing. I don’t think she knows this but Kerri was the one who got me to make my blog public once she shared the link to hers. Shortly after I told her about mine I began getting random comments from bloggers I'd never heard of, and suddenly I was catapulted into the IF Blogosphere. And thank G-d for that!

I’m thrilled to say that four of ladies I listed are either mothers or are soon to be, and they continue to be my inspirations that I will get there “someday, someway”. Since they are either new full time Mommies now or too far along to travel, I’m sorry to say not everyone can join us… Ellie, Lau, Katie, and Kerri, you will be sorely missed, but I hope I can meet you in person someday. Maybe in like five years everyone can meet up at Disneyland or something... (Ellie, I know you especially would be down for that!)

We’ve all taken very different paths DI, IUI, IVF, Pregnancy, Motherhood, Adoption, and a few of us are in other unique transitions. Much like with many of you in the blogosphere, regardless of each person’s status I feel a tremendous bond, and hope that things will blossom to a lifetime friendship. (And I secretly hope we’re all here bitching about out of state College tuition and Menopause in 10, 20 and even 30 years)

Anyhoo, one of the ladies I listed above is opening her home up for the few of us who can make it. So this trip is basically only costing us a plane ticket. I can tell you in all honesty, that I wouldn’t be able to make this trip otherwise. So thank you – you know who you are…

I'm sure to most of you I must seem like the cliche Social Butterfly considering how much I blather on about having met a few local bloggers, which is funny because I am normally not a very social person AT ALL. I hate going to parties, or dinners where I know I'm going to be forced to meet and socialize with new people. And "Mingling" is pretty much my worst nightmare... But there is something about meeting other people who've dealt with IF, an unspoken kinship and understanding that makes each encounter a breeze. It also makes me feel incredibly grateful to have been introduced to such an immense support system. I don't even want to think about where I'd be without the support and encouragement I've gotten from all of you!

So wish me luck on my trip. Not for the going to meet virtual strangers part, but that the Transderm Scōp patch I just got from my doctor actually works. It's supposed to prevent Vertigo and motion sickness (which I have unwillingly acquired in my old age - I'll be 31 Saturday. Boo.) Cause there's nothing like violent turbulence and vomiting to start off a good conversation with the actual stranger sitting next to you on a four and a half hour flight.