Because I Made My Own Bed

Previous to falling face first in to what is certainly the most challenging period of my life, I had imagined growing old with the small group of close friends we kept.

Old and gray, with grandkids in our laps.

But things change. I’ve changed. And as our years in the realm of infertility have gone on, I have slowly removed myself from the bulk of what once was a close group of friends. They have kids now. And seeing them makes my heart ache in the worst possible way.

Infertility has greatly impacted every single one of my friendships. And more often than not, I’m sorry to say, it has been negative.

I’ll fully admit that 95% of the friendships that have waned are a direct result of my actions. I have chosen self-preservation over sucking it up and throwing on a smile at yet another friends baby shower, or baby’s birthday. Hell, I can barely even manage to keep my shit together during a simple dinner when children are present.

So I suppose it’s only natural that at some point, after so many declined invitations, said friends would stop inviting us to parties and or casual gatherings. And while I'm sure that their decision was not easy one to make, I can’t help but grieve the place where we used to be. And I struggle with whether it was wrong that they didn’t even bother to invite us, or if they actually did us a favor by letting us off the hook? But basically my choices are feeling bad about not going or feeling bad about not being invited. Nobody wins.

I have made a lot of truly incredible friends within the ALI community. Seriously, some exceptionally amazing people. And I wouldn’t trade those friendships for the old ones I had. But I hope to hell that if I ever get out of here, I might someday get them back.

2011 ICLW

Greetings ICLWer’s, and Happy 2011! Whether 2010 was your year or it sucked more than Sex and the City II, I’m sure you’re likely glad to see a new year come around.

As for me, I fall in the latter category but I have a sneaking suspicion 2011 is going to make up for that and the heinousness that was the last three and a half years. My husband and I have been ttc since the summer of 2007, and it’s been a whirlwind of heartbreak, desperation, and general ickiness. All of which I feel lucky enough to say has brought us infinitely closer. (Though 10 months of marriage counseling didn’t hurt either). We took most of 2010 off to recuperate emotionally and financially, you can read about our long drawn out history here, or check out the bullet point version in the timeline tab up above for time's sake.

On this very fine day, you should know that I am on day 6 of Lupron and took my last active BCP yesterday. All this for our very first (and very much hopefully LAST) IVF w/ ICSI cycle. Next Thursday I’ll start Follistim, Menopur and Dexamethasone. We’re looking at a potential retrieval date around February 6th -9th , and hoping for a day five transfer. Does anyone else feel like I should be telling you what altitude we’re flying at? Sorry if this intro was a little lackluster, I’m currently, and equally overwhelmed with excitement for our cycle and my job workload.

At any rate, Happy ICLW and thanks for stopping by!

December ICLW

Oh ICLW, you sneaky monkey - how could it possibly be the 21st ALREADY?! Sorry I was a bit un prepared, I'm days away from CD1 of our first IVF cycle and entirely absorbed/terrified/excited about it. This fall we started with a new RE, dubbed Dr.3, whom diagnosed me Ovulatory PCOS (different than Classic PCOS), Elevated TH1 & TH2, and Natural Killer Cells, and MTHFR (2 mutations of A1298C). I've been on Metformin, Folgard, Low Dose Aspirin, and prescription Prenatals since October. BCP's should be coming up right quick!

So here's a little (actually alotta) history:

My husband (35) and I (31) started TTC in the summer of 2007. I genuinely believed that we would get pregnant on the first try. Ha. Fourteen months later, we moved on to testing through my OBGYN's office which revealed a severe male factor. She promptly pointed us towards the RE who I now hate told us IVF w/ ICSI or Donor Sperm would be our only options. After MUCH deliberation we chose Donor over IVF, partially because it was the most financially attainable option (our insurance covers NOTHING for infertility, not even diagnostic testing) and because we were concerned about the implications of the severity of his diagnosis might mean for our future children.

Fast Forward to December 2009 when we completed our SIXTH and final DIUI. All of them left us with straight up BFN's and a fair amount of debt. Our RE at the time and the second opinion we got a month later were dumbfounded and couldn't explain why none of the IUI's worked because my charts looked so great. Umm yeah, neither of those doctors caught the OPCOS which is clearly evident in an u/s and with knowledge of the fact that my cycle is 30 days. And interestingly enough, neither of them test for immunological factors... But at least I have an answer now as to why none of the dIUI's worked.. Not that it's any consolation.

That brings us to January of this year, I'm not going to lie- I was a complete basket case. We decided to take the rest of the year off to focus on our marriage and restoring my mental health. By March we had decided to plan for IVF in 2011 - with my husbands sperm. In the mean time, we've been doing our best to appear somewhat normal to the rest of our friends and family.

So there you have it. I look forward to reading all of your blogs, and hope you enjoy the last ICLW of 2010!

November ICLW!

Each time I participate in ICLW I try to come up with some new-fangled concept for and intro. And today is no different! With that, I give you: Contributing factors in an Infertility Bloggers Life; via Bullet Point. Autobiographical.

1. An outlet of some sort became necessary approximately six months after we officially started trying, and my lovely husband couldn't understand why I cried alone in the bathroom every 31 days.
2. At that point I was still fairly certain that I'd see a positive pee stick in the very near future and shortly thereafter commence writing a wildly self-indulgent, and more than likely whiny pregnant-lady-type-blog.
3. Lingering only slightly in denial, we didn't have any testing done until after 14 months of trying.
4. A week before Christmas, 2008 we found out we had Severe Male Factor, and were instructed to go directly to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.
5. Before even seeing an RE, we promptly decided not to have children at all.
6. That resolution only lasted about two weeks.
7. Fast forward to now, and we are gearing up for our very first IVF cycle in January/February, though I'll likely be starting BCP's towards the end of December.
8. In an effort to circumvent my crying over MUCH spilled milk, you can read about my sordid past here. It gets down to the nitty gritty of exactly what happened from the time we were diagnosed, to the beginning of what would be a break in TTC, and ART for pretty much all of 2010.
9. The new RE we're seeing (referred to here as Dr.3) ran an obscenely comprehensive blood panel on me and it came back positive for MTHFR (two mutations of the A1298C gene, with a borderline homosteine level), Elevated TH1, TH2 and Natural Killer Cells. Awesomeness. Oh, and also Ovulatory PCOS - different than Classic PCOS - cause ya know - I'm an over achiever... Okay, not really.
10. None of the aforementioned diagnoses were ever found by my previous RE(s) because they don't believe in Immunological Disorders. Or paying close attention to Antra Follicle counts evidently, because the OPCOS is as clear as day on a baseline u/s, and should have been determined easily based on the knowledge of my 30+ day cycle.
11. I'm over the misdiagnosis - CLEARLY.
12. I know you have 742 other blogs to read and comment on, so I'll keep it brief and end it here; welcome you to my blog and thank you in advance for your comment, then tell you I look forward to reading all of your blogs as well. Oh, and if you're going to be cycling with IVF close to when I am, be sure to say so in your comment - I'd love to stalk you and compare Lupron induced rants notes!

How to be Misleading in an ICLW Description

You can start by abruptly ending your break (of 10 months) after attending a seminar given by the man who will become your new RE. After a phone consult reveals CD3 will be in just four days, you dive ankles first back into the stirrups. (for those of you keeping track that was six days after the seminar - four days after the phone consult) Two phlebotomists, twenty-four vials of blood and a baseline ultrasound later, you find yourself itching for test results whilst simultaneously remembering what it's like to be here yet again and suddenly becoming terrified that the test results could come back with BAD news... And they did... Not only was I diagnosed with OPCOS, at first over the phone then confirmed during my baseline u/s (which my first RE never caught), but my blood tests later showed that I tested positive for two A1298C mutations, indicating MTHFR. Which my first RE never tested for because he doesn't BELIEVE in Immunological Disorders.

Hi.

Still with me?

Good.

Here's some history!

My husband (35) and I (31) started TTC in the summer of 2007. I genuinely believed that we would get pregnant on the first try. Ha. Fourteen months later, we moved on to testing through my OBGYN's office which revealed a severe male factor. She promptly pointed us towards the RE who I now hate told us IVF w/ICSI or Donor Sperm would be our only hope. After MUCH deliberation we chose Donor over IVF, partially because it was the most financially attainable option and because we were concerned about the implications of the severity of his diagnosis might mean for our future children.

Fast Forward to December 2009 when we completed our SIXTH and final DIUI. All of them left us with straight up BFN's and a fair amount of debt. Our RE at the time and the second opinion we got a month later were dumbfounded and couldn't explain why none of the IUI's worked because my charts looked so great. Umm yeah, neither of those doctors caught the OPCOS which is clearly evident in an u/s and with knowledge of the fact that my cycle is 30 days. And interestingly enough, neither of them test for immunological factors... But at least I have an answer now as to why none of the dIUI's worked.. Not that it's any consolation.

That brings us to January of this year, I'm not going to lie- I was a complete basket case. We decided to take the rest of the year off to focus on our marriage and restoring my mental health. By March we had decided to plan for IVF in 2011 - with my husbands sperm.

Even though we had been planning for several months to attend the seminar on September 30th and follow up with a phone consult shortly thereafter. I really had no idea how quickly this would catapult us back in to the TTC/ART world. When I signed up for this month's ICLW, I thought it would be a nice way to tip toe back into the supportive waters that is the ALI community. And while I'm 1,000 percent ready to move forward, it's hard not to think about how comfortable and effortless things were just three weeks ago...

Thanks for stopping by, I look forward to reading about all of you.

Accountability

I'm not sure whether to thank you all, or yell at you for letting me off the hook. What do you mean, what am I talking about?!?! I'm talking about the big fat ass of mine that I was supposed to get rid of three months ago. Remember this post, when I said I had started a diet, and already lost a few pounds, and that I'd put a ticker up shortly?! Well I never put a ticker, and I gained those few extra pounds back in one- Boston-Market-sitting. Man, I could eat their sweet potatoes EVERY. DAMN. DAY. Maybe a with a little side of Mac & cheese. Oh dude, and their Chicken Pot Pie? I'd cut a bitch for their Chicken Pot Pie... It's that good.

Annnnnd that's my problem.

I love food. So, so much. Good day or bad, it's a perfect reason to cook up something comforting. Ten minutes in my kitchen is really much harder on my diet than a half hour at a Burger King. Okay maybe that's not a fair comparison. Fried food is not my problem. I'd pick a wheel of double cream Brie over a plate of fries ANY DAY. Seriously, cheese is one of my weakest spots. Oh and Peanut Butter. I actually don't really care for, nor do I visit fast food places often. So other than my Peanut Butter and cheese habits, portions are my other problem. I'm guilty of eating when I'm not hungry, just cause it sounds good. An extra scoop of rice, so I don't have to dirty a Tupperware container? Why not.

So yes my weight has always fluctuated a bit. In the two years after we got married, I gained a good 35 pounds. It wasn't because I stopped caring - like I didn't have to try anymore because I was married. I actually call it Happy Fat. I was loving life, and cooking my way in to oblivion. Then I joined Weight Watchers and lost 45 pounds. Got back to my high school weight. And I felt really, really good. I gained a little of it back but lost it again in the spring of 2007 because we were going to try for a baby. And when it didn't happen right away things pretty much started to go down hill from there. The depression and heartache I endured was too much at some point and I turned back to food to make me happy.

But I'm ready to do something about it now. And it's not really about the way I look. It's more about the way I feel. I don't feel as good as I do when I'm eating better and exercising regularly. So last week, I started Weight Watchers. Again. And it's going alright. I think the first week is one of the toughest - for me. Getting used to planning every single meal and sticking with the smaller portions is not easy. But I drink my weight in water to avoid an empty stomach, and I stick with my motto for this point in my diet: If you're not hungry; you're not doing it right... A month from now, the portions I'm eating will be more than enough, and making the right choices won't be so difficult. I know that once I loose the amount of weight I want to, I can go back to eating cheese and peanut butter in moderation, and as long as I keep exercising regularly. I used to hate running, but now I love it. It really clears my head.

Anyway, I went in to get weighed this morning. My first week I lost 4.7 pounds at home or 2.8 pounds on the WW scale (with all my clothes on). And if you look up and to your right, you'll see my new weight loss ticker. Just to keep me in line.

Here I go...