Because I Made My Own Bed

Previous to falling face first in to what is certainly the most challenging period of my life, I had imagined growing old with the small group of close friends we kept.

Old and gray, with grandkids in our laps.

But things change. I’ve changed. And as our years in the realm of infertility have gone on, I have slowly removed myself from the bulk of what once was a close group of friends. They have kids now. And seeing them makes my heart ache in the worst possible way.

Infertility has greatly impacted every single one of my friendships. And more often than not, I’m sorry to say, it has been negative.

I’ll fully admit that 95% of the friendships that have waned are a direct result of my actions. I have chosen self-preservation over sucking it up and throwing on a smile at yet another friends baby shower, or baby’s birthday. Hell, I can barely even manage to keep my shit together during a simple dinner when children are present.

So I suppose it’s only natural that at some point, after so many declined invitations, said friends would stop inviting us to parties and or casual gatherings. And while I'm sure that their decision was not easy one to make, I can’t help but grieve the place where we used to be. And I struggle with whether it was wrong that they didn’t even bother to invite us, or if they actually did us a favor by letting us off the hook? But basically my choices are feeling bad about not going or feeling bad about not being invited. Nobody wins.

I have made a lot of truly incredible friends within the ALI community. Seriously, some exceptionally amazing people. And I wouldn’t trade those friendships for the old ones I had. But I hope to hell that if I ever get out of here, I might someday get them back.

Blogher Anyone?

When you're open with your friends about your infertility, it can sometimes negatively effect/impact those relationships. Especially when they get pregnant. You may remember the friends I mentioned who avoided us for several months, then finally called us when they couldn't hide it anymore were twenty weeks along. Then to add insult to injury I never got an invitation to her shower... It was later determined that her mother had used the address list from her wedding (Brian and I were both in the wedding party) which had our old P.O. Box listed, so I never got it. Even though we have gone to see their baby, and Brian and the husband keep in contact, our friendship has never been the same. And occasionally whilst taking stock of things, I'd feel sad about it. But as of last week I feel worse. The husband I spoke of was recently diagnosed with a pretty advanced form of Lung Cancer. He's 34.

It's shocking, and sad. And I have a lot of mixed emotions about it. Brian is taking it pretty hard. It's scary when you start to think about how short life really is, or can be. And thought of cancer has been haunting me lately. Yes, our situation with infertility sucks. But it's not life threatening. I haven't been able to complain to myself about much lately because I keep thinking - at least we're healthy. We're so lucky to be able to say that.

Then today I came across this post from A Year of Slow Cooking's blog. Her best friend' s sister has Breast Cancer. Her best friend also happens to work for a little company called Blogher, and is holding a raffle for those who donate to her sister's fund for medical bills that aren't covered by insurance. The Prize? A Full Conference Pass to the SOLD OUT 2010 Blogher Convention in New York City. Not too shabby.

I'll be the first to speak up about how much infertility sucks, but I think it's only than fair to say that Cancer sucks more.

Georgia On My Mind

In a little over a week from now I'll be heading to Atlanta for a weekend of fun with a few incredible ladies that I've only ever spoken to online.

In September of 2008, at just over a year of trying, I made my first attempt in searching for other women who weren't pregnant after a year either and stumbled upon an online forum with a “trying to conceive over a year” board. Little did I know that this group would become my saving grace in the treacherous early stages of IF. Where everything is scary, and you feel really alone, and you don’t even know enough to know that you don’t know about the path you are about to embark on.

Carli, Des, Ellie, Jamie, Lau, Katie, Kerri, and Melissa, (I listed you in Alphabetical order because you’re all equally amazing) my cheerleaders, my rocks, my virtual tissue passers, I don’t know how to thank you all for your unwavering support. They were with me even before we started testing. I don’t think she knows this but Kerri was the one who got me to make my blog public once she shared the link to hers. Shortly after I told her about mine I began getting random comments from bloggers I'd never heard of, and suddenly I was catapulted into the IF Blogosphere. And thank G-d for that!

I’m thrilled to say that four of ladies I listed are either mothers or are soon to be, and they continue to be my inspirations that I will get there “someday, someway”. Since they are either new full time Mommies now or too far along to travel, I’m sorry to say not everyone can join us… Ellie, Lau, Katie, and Kerri, you will be sorely missed, but I hope I can meet you in person someday. Maybe in like five years everyone can meet up at Disneyland or something... (Ellie, I know you especially would be down for that!)

We’ve all taken very different paths DI, IUI, IVF, Pregnancy, Motherhood, Adoption, and a few of us are in other unique transitions. Much like with many of you in the blogosphere, regardless of each person’s status I feel a tremendous bond, and hope that things will blossom to a lifetime friendship. (And I secretly hope we’re all here bitching about out of state College tuition and Menopause in 10, 20 and even 30 years)

Anyhoo, one of the ladies I listed above is opening her home up for the few of us who can make it. So this trip is basically only costing us a plane ticket. I can tell you in all honesty, that I wouldn’t be able to make this trip otherwise. So thank you – you know who you are…

I'm sure to most of you I must seem like the cliche Social Butterfly considering how much I blather on about having met a few local bloggers, which is funny because I am normally not a very social person AT ALL. I hate going to parties, or dinners where I know I'm going to be forced to meet and socialize with new people. And "Mingling" is pretty much my worst nightmare... But there is something about meeting other people who've dealt with IF, an unspoken kinship and understanding that makes each encounter a breeze. It also makes me feel incredibly grateful to have been introduced to such an immense support system. I don't even want to think about where I'd be without the support and encouragement I've gotten from all of you!

So wish me luck on my trip. Not for the going to meet virtual strangers part, but that the Transderm Scōp patch I just got from my doctor actually works. It's supposed to prevent Vertigo and motion sickness (which I have unwillingly acquired in my old age - I'll be 31 Saturday. Boo.) Cause there's nothing like violent turbulence and vomiting to start off a good conversation with the actual stranger sitting next to you on a four and a half hour flight.

Recluse

I've been slightly antisocial lately (in real life). It's actually been a conscience effort on our part to keep social engagements to a minimum, and its been really nice. We have Yoga and Therapy on separate nights during the week, and on the weekends I've been turning most invitations down. I honestly feel like I just don't have much to give in the way of friendships right now. There is a small part of me that feels bad because the people I have been turning away are largely the ones who've been very supportive to us. And I'm grateful for that. But me and my marriage come first. Brian has been working A LOT lately, so the little free time he does have - I want all to myself.

The other part I guess is that I'm starting to feel that I have less and less in common, as most of them are pregnant or have children now. I realize they are still people, still my friends outside of being Mother's and Father's, but right now that's pretty difficult to look past. They have bigger priorities then making it to a Sharks game on time, or making it to Yoga before the good spots are taken. I realize this sort of sounds like a pity party. I'm not really feeling sorry for myself, I guess it's just my lame attempt at justifying my absence.

Do any of you find yourselves keeping a low profile from your friends?

(Teresa, Jessica, (my IRL friends) I love you both, please know it's nothing personal - nothing you have done wrong. Thank you for being so understanding, and supportive. It means the world to me, and I hope I can repay your loyalty someday.)

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On a less depressing note, I received the Beautiful Blogger Award from Latebloomer, Jackiemac and Clare. Thank you ladies!

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:

- Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
- Copy the award and place it in your blog.
- Link the person who nominated you for this award.
- Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
- Nominate 7 bloggers
- Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.


Seven interesting things... What haven't I already over shared with you people? Seven more things huh? Alright:

1. I am a thoroughly fascinated by the paranormal, and have experienced a few unexplainable incidents myself.
2. I'm turning 31 in less than a month. Ugh. And go Pisces.
3. I have a crush on Paul Rudd.
4. In March I will be heading to Atlanta to meet a few ladies that I found online about a year and a half ago. They belonged to a board for women who'd been trying to conceive for over a year. These ladies were the glue that held me together, they walked me through the first steps in testing, and virtually carried me through enduring the results. I say this not to dismiss the support I've gotten from all of you, it was just before I knew you all existed. I had this blog then, but I had no idea about the IF community or even what ICLW was. Not all of them are able to be there, but I am so, SO excited to meet at least a few of them. More to come on this - I promise.
5.Thanksgiving is my favorite Holiday. I absolutely adore anything that has to do with Fall. And in the last few years I've come to like Halloween more than I care to admit.
6. Though we're starting to lean in favor of it, I am slightly terrified of IVF.
7. I really struggled coming up with seven interesting things to write about myself.

And the lovely ladies I'd like to nominate:

1. Tori at Fertility Wishes and BFP Dreams
2. RJ at Baby OCD
3. Alice at My Elusive Baby
4. Mugsy at Drive Fast. Take Chances.
5. Carli at It's Only Life
6. Jo at MoJo Working
7. Melissa at Melissa's Thoughts and Realizations

Please check out their blogs when you get a second. I promise you won't regret it!