When Will I Learn My Lesson?

It appears as though I've already followed through on my promise of setting a new standard for what would be considered "mentally unstable"... As I've just reread my last few posts and - Oy. 

While I understand there's no need for me to justify my reaction to the likes of you, I feel it necessary to document just how exactly the wheels fell off. 

Expectations. 

Expectations screw me every time. And the worst part is, I spent like a year in therapy examining my own situations to substantiate just how damaging expectations can be. 

And on top of that, as we were getting ready to start injections I lectured Brian about 'how shit goes wrong' with IVF cycles. 

They get delayed. They get cancelled.

Shit goes wrong, and it happens when you least expect it.

(earth-shattering news to all of you, I'm sure)

I know better. I listened intently to your advice. And to the counsel of a few close IF friends, who reminded me gently to take it one day, one shot at a time.  

And yet we hit the first rough patch and I lost every ounce of lucidity and balance. 

When will I learn my lesson?  

Probably never. 

But thankfully I have all of you to keep me in check. 

And thankful is an understatement. You've all been so incredibly supportive especially during this last week. Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge. Your support has been invaluable.

Oh, hey, while I was seesawing in batshit crazy nation I got a few awards. But I was entirely to daft at the time to respond properly or thank the people who presented the awards.

A big thank you to the following ladies who thoughtfully bestowed these awards upon me. Many thanks, sorry it took me a millenia to get them posted.

Aramelle

Christa

Let There Be Sims

Krista

Sarah S

A Miracle 4 Us

So I'm supposed to thank the person(s) who gave me the award. Check! List seven things about myself, and pass the award on to 15 (aye carumba) other bloggers. Well gawd bless those of you who had the time to do all that. To be honest I haven't come across too many other blogs who haven't already received an award. That's because you're all awesome. But you knew that. 

So. Will you still love me if I just post the wacky fun facts about me? 

Oh well, here they are anyway.

1. I love the smell of Carbon Copy paper.

2. I just bought my first Cast Iron skillet. After I seasoned it properly, bacon was the first thing I cooked in it. It was Fantastic.

3. I won't leave the house without makeup on. Ever.

4.The last concert I attended was jack Johnson at the Berkeley Greek Theatre.

5. I hate the sound of pooring liquid.

6. I'm going to be 32 next month. Gah.

7. I hit 200 posts in December and my 3rd Blogiversary was last week. I was not entirely motivated to post about either of them because acknowledging them is bittersweet.

And a quick update. I saw my Acupuncturist Saturday and she believes that I did indeed ovulate . Apparently the pulse on your left side is stronger after ovulation. So good news there, and now I just wait for AF. AGAIN. 

I Had Been Waiting For This

The first big bump in the road. Over the last few weeks I have been quietly marveling over the fact that this cycle was going so well so far, other than the breakthrough bleeding and extraordinarily sore breasts (like not able to sleep on my stomach). I hadn’t had any side effects from the Lupron, Brian and I have been getting along better than ever and bonding over each shot he administered. I’ve been meditating regularly, yes I  drank the Circ.le+Blo.om koolaide. And my overall mood was happy,and better yet stable. And while being mindful of the fact that this was still very early in the cycle, and that my dosage was low, so of course the side effects wouldn’t be outrageous, I remembered that any moment now my bubble could burst.

And so it did.

I was pretty bummed yesterday, so after work on my way home I did my best to initialize some Damage Control. I stopped in for groceries, picked myself up some pretty flowers and stayed the hell away from the pies. Brian and I took the dog for a long walk and after that I slowed down for a few minutes to listen to a mediation session. Which helped to bring my blood pressure down to a less than lethal level. Then I poured myself a nice tall glass of apple cider in a Crystal Champagne Flute. Which did a little less for me than I’d hoped – man I could have really used a bottle glass of wine to take the consciousness away edge off.

Today is better. I’m going in for an acupuncture appointment this afternoon. My therapist there (aren’t they though?)  said that if it was indeed a cyst she could help with that, but if it turns out to be from the Lupron then I will have just burned up one of my limited allotted sessions (insurance crap). But really I think it will be beneficial for my head, as well, so I can take some time to tune out.

 I’ve also had plenty of time to read through your comments. You all are amazing, and I’m incredibly thankful for your knowledge, compassion and support. And while I’m grateful for each comment and that so many of you took the time even just to say, “ I don’t know, but that sucks and I’m sorry”, here are a few that helped me breathe or laugh:

“Dr.3 is THE MAN, and can deal with this”  - Meg. (a patient of his.)

You’re so right. I do have plenty of faith in him, and I’m sure this is the last thing he wants to see as well.

“I had set-back after set-back… I never got cancelled and they go 50 eggs yesterday” – Krista.

Thank you, I’ll try to keep in mind that it is early and that a lot more could go wrong, but I shouldn’t let that steal my hope for success.

“Stay the hell off of Google” – Aramelle

You’re right. I know. I’m an emotional cutter.

“the hardest thing to do while in the process is to trust the process” – Baby bump Bound

Word.

Good stuff. So I agree with all of you too, I don't think it's Diminished Ovarian Reserve, I was just panicking and disecting the worst case scenario. I know it seemed like I was over reacting, but I felt like my body was already failing me, and FUCK - is it too much to ask that this ONE THING go smoothly?!?!  I also think that maybe the break-through bleeding could have been an indicator to the fact that I wasn't suppressed enough, but I'll have to get that verified by Dr. 3... I didn't actually post about it but the spotting ened up gettin much worse - like regular flow at one point...Yay TMI!  So.  I'm totally not expecting my number to be below 70 tomorrow, I'm just praying that it doesn't go up and that we get some kind of answer as to what the crap is going on in there. I'll be sure to update when I have news tomorrow. Thanks again!

Break On Through - Updated

Let the "Oh crap, what does this mean" moments begin.

I started spotting pretty heavily this morning, dark red. It's only CD 21. I haven't missed a bcp and I've been taking them around the same time every night.

I left a message on the non-emergency line with my In-cycle nurses, because it doesn't seem like an emergency. What say you veterans? Should I be concerned with a little break-through bleeding, or just annoyed at the inconvenience?

Thanks in advance!

____________________________________________________________________

Thanks to all of you who shared your experiences or even just left an encouraging comment. I did hear back from my nurse. She said it's totally normal, and yes annoying, but not to worry. She warned that if it turns into more than spotting, I need to call them and they may have me double up or even come in for an u/s. So far it's lightened up a bit. The other side effect I've had from bcp's has been really sore boobs (which is a common pms issue for me) for about the first two weeks, but they're fine now.

Thanks again ladies!

Georgia On My Mind

In a little over a week from now I'll be heading to Atlanta for a weekend of fun with a few incredible ladies that I've only ever spoken to online.

In September of 2008, at just over a year of trying, I made my first attempt in searching for other women who weren't pregnant after a year either and stumbled upon an online forum with a “trying to conceive over a year” board. Little did I know that this group would become my saving grace in the treacherous early stages of IF. Where everything is scary, and you feel really alone, and you don’t even know enough to know that you don’t know about the path you are about to embark on.

Carli, Des, Ellie, Jamie, Lau, Katie, Kerri, and Melissa, (I listed you in Alphabetical order because you’re all equally amazing) my cheerleaders, my rocks, my virtual tissue passers, I don’t know how to thank you all for your unwavering support. They were with me even before we started testing. I don’t think she knows this but Kerri was the one who got me to make my blog public once she shared the link to hers. Shortly after I told her about mine I began getting random comments from bloggers I'd never heard of, and suddenly I was catapulted into the IF Blogosphere. And thank G-d for that!

I’m thrilled to say that four of ladies I listed are either mothers or are soon to be, and they continue to be my inspirations that I will get there “someday, someway”. Since they are either new full time Mommies now or too far along to travel, I’m sorry to say not everyone can join us… Ellie, Lau, Katie, and Kerri, you will be sorely missed, but I hope I can meet you in person someday. Maybe in like five years everyone can meet up at Disneyland or something... (Ellie, I know you especially would be down for that!)

We’ve all taken very different paths DI, IUI, IVF, Pregnancy, Motherhood, Adoption, and a few of us are in other unique transitions. Much like with many of you in the blogosphere, regardless of each person’s status I feel a tremendous bond, and hope that things will blossom to a lifetime friendship. (And I secretly hope we’re all here bitching about out of state College tuition and Menopause in 10, 20 and even 30 years)

Anyhoo, one of the ladies I listed above is opening her home up for the few of us who can make it. So this trip is basically only costing us a plane ticket. I can tell you in all honesty, that I wouldn’t be able to make this trip otherwise. So thank you – you know who you are…

I'm sure to most of you I must seem like the cliche Social Butterfly considering how much I blather on about having met a few local bloggers, which is funny because I am normally not a very social person AT ALL. I hate going to parties, or dinners where I know I'm going to be forced to meet and socialize with new people. And "Mingling" is pretty much my worst nightmare... But there is something about meeting other people who've dealt with IF, an unspoken kinship and understanding that makes each encounter a breeze. It also makes me feel incredibly grateful to have been introduced to such an immense support system. I don't even want to think about where I'd be without the support and encouragement I've gotten from all of you!

So wish me luck on my trip. Not for the going to meet virtual strangers part, but that the Transderm Scōp patch I just got from my doctor actually works. It's supposed to prevent Vertigo and motion sickness (which I have unwillingly acquired in my old age - I'll be 31 Saturday. Boo.) Cause there's nothing like violent turbulence and vomiting to start off a good conversation with the actual stranger sitting next to you on a four and a half hour flight.

A Reevaluation

It's amazing what a single conversation can do. How is it that being presented with a simple question, can suddenly change your outlook or assessment of something you felt so strongly about before? This morning I was lucky enough to meet up with the lovely and ever genuine Hillary, at Making Me Mom. She was in town for the holiday weekend and was gracious enough to squeeze in a coffee with me. (Umm by the way, Starbucks is no longer serving the Carmel Brulee Latte. - I know! I almost cried.)

There is such a unique feeling when you meet another IF blogger. Here is this person whom you've never met, but share a life altering circumstance with. So particular is this condition, that it seems only the people afflicted by it can understand where you're coming from. Cultures, religion, or diagnosis have no bearing on this bond you've discovered. The conversations are easy, (once you get passed the meeting-a-complete-stranger jitters. Maybe that's just me though) and there is little space between each thought or sentence.

Shortly into our meeting, Hillary asked me what my thoughts and feelings were about 2009, 2010 and the year ahead. (Since she's out of town she hadn't been able to catch my recent disparaging, and profanity laden post about last year. That's probably a not a bad thing though.) It's sounds like a relatively simple question, but the answer honestly stumped me. I'd been spending so much time resenting 2009, that I forgotten to look ahead at what might be. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty pissed about 2009, but having to discuss it in a civilized conversation made me realize that not all of last year sucked. My husband started his own business, which is something we'd been working towards for a very long time. It's exciting and terrifying all wrapped in to one. I was in the room when my best friend's baby was born, that was pretty incredible. We've seen a few really good concerts (which is very important to me)... Other than that whole not getting pregnant part- life was just life, and truly - not all that terrible. It wasn't as if I had wasted any time; things just didn't work out like we'd hoped they would. Do I wish we had been a leeeettle more aggressive with treatments? Hell to the Y-E-S. But I don't think we did anything really wrong with them...

And as for 2010, well right now, I'm feeling pretty hopeful. Maybe it's because I haven't looked much passed my Yahoo horoscope. Or maybe because it's only January 2nd, and there hasn't been anything to screw it up. But I'm going to break precedence and therefore my first order of business will not be to obsessively plan out the next six months in terms of cycles and finances (Brian is probably jumping up and down right now), but to enjoy the things I used to do before trying to make a baby took over. Cooking, listening to music, and just being my husbands wife. I need to find me again. And I feel lucky that I have the good sense to do so. You see, receiving that gift from our friends has taken a large part of the uncertainty out of how we will approach our next round of treatments. Now we can move forward when we're ready, not when we finally have some money. It's such a HUGE relief to know we won't be held back because of our finances. That check is so much more than a few extra zero's in a bank account. It took the pressure off of when our next round will begin. And I feel so incredibly lucky and grateful to be able to say that.

So thank you Hillary, for helping me see what's really important. Here's to 2010, May it not suck like last year. May a little hope go a long way, and help to bring each of us our hearts desire.

All My Love

Nothing new to report here. I'm 12dpiui and I still haven't tested. I'm sort of terrified to. Because this is my last chance for a 2010 baby. I've had a few twinges down south that seem...... different.... The thing is, I very rarely experience menstrual cramps, which makes it difficult for me to distinguish them from bowel cramps/discomfort. And well I've had good reason the last couple of days to believe it may be related to bowel issues...If you catch my drift. And also I think it might be in my head. Because I want so very badly to have some kind of symptom, and because it's very, VERY minor and when I notice it, it either goes away or gets worse for a second or two then vanishes. Very intermittent. Very puzzling. So I'm trying to ignore it. Forget it. Until I test on Saturday, and find out whether I'll make my husband a father next year or not...

So in the mean time, instead of starting, yes starting my Christmas shopping tonight, we're going to the Sharks game. Awesomeness. I'm not sure I've ever mentioned it but Brian and I are season ticket whores. I don't think we have bought tickets to a game in like five years. We're the last minute couple. Got extra tickets, or tickets you can't use? Call Brian and Melissa- they can go! It's not like they're tied down with kids or anything, right? Ooohhhh, yeah I went there.

Okay. Moving on.

A few days ago the lovely and talented Mel over at Stirrup Queens posted about Love and friendships made over the Internet. She talked about how proud she was to have made such wonderful friends through blogs. And I just really feel like echoing her thoughts. Meg at No Oven and I started emailing each other a few months back and then decided to meet up one day for lunch. I was so nervous, but she's is incredibly warm and easy to talk to. Soon after she introduced me to a few other local bloggers, and I feel so lucky and privileged now to call them my friends. I told you how awesome Nikki was yesterday, so now I'll tell you about Sarang. Sarang has a private blog, so there is no way for you to know what a funny, witty, kindhearted woman she is. As well as a very talented writer. So last night we met up at The Melting Pot (fondue!). I've always gotten a lot of comfort from reading and commenting on other blogs and forums, but there really is nothing like sitting down to a meal and bitching about your last cycle to someone who can laugh and cry along, right next to you. I hate to brag, but these ladies are the BEST at it. Serioulsy folks, if you have the option of meeting up with a local blogger or two, do it, DO IT NOW. You won't regret it!

A Boost

It's been a really nutty week. I've been battling the holiday blues, and dodging the tww crazies. Seeing this incredibly sweet post and getting the Valued Blogger award from Meg over at No Oven for the Bun, absolutely made my day. Thank you so much Meg, I wish I could give this award right back to you. Because I truly value our friendship. You are one amazing woman.

Here are the rules:

1.Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or as shy as you'd like.

2.Pick 3 - 5 fellow bloggers whom you adore and write what exactly you value about that person or their blog. The more you write about them the better. This is a chance to really show your appreciation to your blog friends who have been there for you through thick and thin.

3. Let the blessed winners know they have been awarded!

Here it goes:

1. How my bloggy days came to be:

Okay I'm going to be completely honest here. The first month we tried and I found out I wasn't pregnant completely broke my heart. It was Brian's birthday. And I remember feeling crushed because I was so sure it was going to happen on our first try, and I had 6 years of public school sex education to back up my theory. IF YOU HAVE SEX YOU'RE GOING TO GET PREGNANT, they said. I was just so sure it would happen quickly for us.... Soon after that Go.ogle fever hit me, and I came across Redbo.ok's Infertility Diaries. There was this uber funny chick named Jennepper who had a blog. A blog... What is a blog? I wondered. So I quickly went to my new best friend Goog.le, and found their blogger site. And I instantly knew it was something I should have. I needed an outlet. We hadn't told a single soul that we were trying and I just had to get my frustrations out somewhere. For the first eight or nine months, I kept it completely private - Brian was the only one who read it. Once I made it public and started getting a few comments, I still didn't realize that there was a whole other world of IF blogs out there. The more blogs I found the better I began to handle things. Now I think a blog is something everyone should have. I can hardly imagine functioning without it.

2. I hereby value the following bloggers listed in no particular order!:

A. Jessica at Dreams of a Baby - Oh, Jessica. Jessica is so fricken sweet. I really value her good nature, and warmth. Unfortunately she's been pretty close to keeping up with me in terms of number of IUI's completed (just one behind). We've been very much on the same page as far as emotional status goes as well. I'm really grateful to have found her blog, and even more grateful that she found mine - because her comments always tend to give me the reassurance I was looking for. She's having a tough time coming to terms with the fact that they may need to move on to IVF, so please go give her some love when you get a chance.

B. Jendeis at Sell Crazy Some Place Else - Not only does she love hockey, but she can quote from 'Friends'. Okay seriously, I really value her sense of humor and lightheartedness on her blog. Jendeis always manages to leave a comforting comment whilst simultaneously cracking me up. Her blog is awesome, and I admire the honesty that resonates in each and every post. If only we lived closer so we could hook up for a Caps or Sharks game. (The Caps will be in San Jose on Dec 30th!!!) She is currently undergoing Donor IUI's like moi, and I'm crossing everything in hopes that neither of us has to do many more.

C. Nikki at Our Roller Coaster Ride Through Infertility - Simply put, Nikki is amazing. An amazing writer, an amazing friend. Just amazing. I think the thing I value most about Nikki is her strength and empathy. She's been through one of the roughest rides from IF that I have witnessed and yet always rallies to dish out support to others. Nikki and her husband are currently pursuing adoption, after a very long and heroic battle to have a biological child of their own. Where ever that child might be at this very moment, is soon to hit the parental jackpot. I cannot imagine a them finding a better home. Some day, some way Nikki.

Okay I could seriously list like 15 more bloggers but I have to get my butt to a dinner with a few other local bloggers who kick major ass! (More to come on that!)

Day By Day

Where the hell has she been?!
You might be asking yourself. Okay probably not. It's more likely that I am overestimating the blogosphere's level of investment in my journey... I digress. Anyhoo, I have been hibernating in a little place I like to call a Crazymessbasketcaseland, and doing a marvelous job at it, by the way. Seriously folks, I have not been in a good place AT ALL. I know my last post was all fluffy and I jabbered on about being thankful and crap, but that was a mask. I was well on my way to CMBC Land and grasping at straws to keep my shit together.

I feel nuts.
Especially when I think about how little I've done as far as IF treatments go. Just the four IUI's. When I have a clear day, I'm able to see the poor condition my mental health is in, and I wonder how I got there. I don't think of myself as a weak and weepy person. But then again, most crazy people don't know they're crazy... Hmm. Food for thought there, huh?

PLEH.
That's HELP backwards. If you're a 'Friends' fanatic, you'll totally get that. Great episode. What was I talking about? Right. Help. I'm getting some.

• My acupuncturist, Ms. B, has been working on my Chakra, and helping me with some visualization tools to help me got out of this place.
• Yesterday I hung out with a few local bloggers. That is always a fantastic way to process garbage and get an outside, yet educated opinion/advice. Even them listening and nodding along to my blathering is helpful, because like all of you - they get it. Thank you so much Nikki and Sarang -private blog).
• My Therapist. As of tonight I will have a therapist. We saw one before, but it was through our clinic and solely to help us process the DI part of this journey. I think my troubles now stem from the long term effects of IF, and my failed IUI's. But god knows what else she'll find wrong with me. I'll let you know how that goes.

As far as my cycle, I am 2dpo today. I had an u/s on Friday to monitor and they found two large follicles on my right side. Evidently they prefer one on each side, but Dr Rawks wasn't surprised because my right side is dominant anyway. He said two follicles is still a good thing. So I triggered on Friday after my u/s and I went back for my IUI on Saturday. There was a total motile count of 10.6 million. Not great. I decided not to thaw another vial. It obviously didn't help last month, so fuck it. I've been feeling a little better the last few days, I think the acupuncture and the bloggy get together were very helpful. Let's hope my therapist will be the silver bullet.

My Gratitude

Feeling better today. I've done pretty well so far with not completely over analyzing symptoms. I'll probably chalk most of them up to the medications anyway. I haven't read the list of side effects from the Prometrium because I don't need anymore knowledge on what might be related to a pregnancy. The one symptom that is missing however is the sore boobage. They normally start to hurt the day after I ovulate. But here I am, 10dpo, and the girls are blissfully silent. It's a nice change, I'm used to them hurting for two weeks at a time, so this is great!

So like I was saying I'm in a much better place emotionally today. That may have to do with the wonderful day I had yesterday. Brian and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary. I fully planned to dedicate a post to it, but I spent more time with him instead, and I'm sure he appreciated that. Up until last week, we'd been having kind of a tough time. We had a pretty nasty argument a week ago, and ever since then I think we both realized we need to just try harder to be good to one another. Not that it had completely gotten away from us, but we have a lot going on right now, even outside of the IF stuff. But yesterday it all disappeared, and I spent the day with my best friend, we didn't do anything particularly exciting, but we never left each others side from sun up, to sun down and it was wonderful. He is wonderful. And I become more and more thankful for him everyday, especially on the hard ones. I love you, Brian. Thank you for making my life amazing. You've helped me become the woman I am today, and I'm so grateful for that.


And I'd also like to send out a huge thank you, and a big squishy hug to all of you who've been so supportive. I know my emotions have been all over the place lately. I totally realize that my feelings in any given post usually contradicts the previous one... But you've all done a fantastic job at keeping up with me.

Sometimes I worry that this blog comes across as one big pity party. That might be because I use this place as an outlet, and unfortunately when I'm in a bad place, I lose the ability to see when I'm being a whiny mess. I don't always feel as crappy as some of my posts may convey. I just use each post to help me shed that heavy cloud of sorrow or anger that I'm experiencing at any particular moment.

And thank you for following me to my new blog. I was a little worried at first that I might loose some of you, but your comments prove otherwise. I'm just so thankful to have all of you in my life. To the ones who live near by, and the others whom are far, far away... It's nice to know that even if we can't grab dinner together, there's always instant access with my laptop. So no matter what time of day or night - you're always there. I hope I can do the same for you.

Feels Like The First Time

I can't help but feel hopeful with this next cycle. So many of you have been so encouraging, and telling me about success stories with Letrozole/Femara. I'm feeling as hopeful as I did right before my first cycle. And man I need that right now. I need to feel good about it, and like things really might happen for us soon. I'm not going to worry about jinxing it. I'm not going to worry about getting my hopes up. Because a failure is a failure, and pretending to be aloof during a tww isn't going to make it suck any less if I see another BFN.

Have you ever stopped believing that you'll ever see that second line? That you'll ever be a mother? September was pretty rough for me. From the day after my last IUI, I began planning for this one. Probably even before that. I didn't believe it would work. And I was right.

It felt like another futile attempt. Like I might as well have been trying to get pregnant on my own, with our whopping 1% chance...

How did I get that far away from hope? Sometimes I think it's because I exhaust it all on my first go-round. Or maybe it's because I spend so much time trying to keep it at bay while I focus on the reality of the situation. But not hoping doesn't make a failure hurt any less. So why does it seem so much safer to not get excited?

I hate that this process has made me so guarded. Has made me question my reactions to situations with friends and doctors, because I know my vision is skewed with frustration, and longing.

Well I'm not going to do that this month. I have to do something different. I have to walk away from all that pain and negativity. So here it goes.

I am hopeful.

Hello!

Welcome ICLWer's! Every month I am amazed that time has gone by so quickly since the last get-together... Well, I'm sure you have a lot of blog reading to do so here's the low down: My husband and I were diagnosed with Severe Male Factor, due to a Chromosomal Abnormality. After MUCH deliberation we decided to create our family through donor sperm rather than IVF w/ ICSI. I am currently 9dpo after our third attempt. So far they have all been unmedicated, and back to back IUI's. Which means we are using two vials of ds per cycle and it's getting pretty pricey so I'd like to get this show on the road already! I just use OPK's to monitor, and I've felt like our timing is pretty good. But seeings as we are more than two years into this process, to say that I am feeling a little impatient would be a tremendous understatement. If it doesn't happen this month I will definitely be moving on to medications. Clomid? Injectables??? I will obviously be having this discussion with my RE, but do you have any advice as to what I might push for? If not maybe just cross your fingers and hope that the third time is the charm for us, won't you?

I look forward to "meeting" all of you!

Absolutely Lovely

I cannot imagine where I would be without this incredible community. The love and support I have received is absolutely overwhelming. I am honored to say I received the One Lovely Blog Award from Melissa, Michelle, Kerri and Kim !




Thank you so much for thinking of me ladies! Before I tell you about the details of the award I'd like to focus again one what a great community we have here. And how paramount I think it is that we continue to help it blossom. Mel over at Stirrup Queens has put in a request to boost the involvement in honor of the LFCA's second anniversary. She's asking that we all make a little more effort in submitting news, whether it be our own, or a bloggy pal's. In addition we need to continue visting the Lost and Found to check on the ones who've submitted the news and spread a little extra love. Please do your best to spend a few minutes each night commenting to those in need.

Okay, the rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award. I'm going to have to cheat a little and only put 9!!! Can you ever forgive me?!

1. Drive Fast. Take Chances.
2. Dreams of a Baby
3. Life in the White House
4. My Journey to Become a Mother
5. Baby Manatee
6. Will Not Work For Baby
7. The Important Things in Life Aren't Things
8. We Got Hitched ... Now What?
9. Me Inside Out

Congratulations ladies!!! A BIG Squishy hug to you all!!

Twin Peaks

I haven't really been paying attention to any potential symptoms, but there are two that I just cannot ignore. I know I said that "the girls" normally get sore starting the day after I ovulate but they are different this time. To the point where they ache when I reach for something, or sneeze, or WALK. They hurt SO BAD. I can't even sleep on my stomach.

So obviously I still have not tested. I just don't want to see a test until I have a really good reason to think I might see a positive one. But fingers continue to be crossed.

If you have a sore boob story to help build my hope up I'd appreciate it.

***************************

Update

We can add very light spotting to that list now. Just got some slight brownish red when I wiped. Unfortunately I have seen that before a period occasionally...

This is so frustrating. I sort of feel silly for posting this now, because I'm pretty sure I'll be welcoming AF fairly soon...

Begging and Pleading

CUTE BABY ALERT: If you're not in the place to see a cute baby today, this might not be the post for you.
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Nothing makes my uterus ache like an adorable baby. This is Sawyer. I was fortunate enough to be in the room when Sawyer joined this world. You can read about his introduction here.

His mommy brought him to work today, so here he is hanging out in my lap, at my desk. I was blowing raspberries on his oh-so-edible little feet, when a pang of sheer desperation swept over me. Please God, let this cycle work. I cannot imagine another month knowing that this might not be a part of my near future.

Forget about being hopeful, I am in full blown pleading-with-the-Heaven's mode. Talking to relatives that have passed on, begging them to pull a few strings for me. Anything to just get my foot in the door. I realize that there are a few people ahead of me in line in this blogosphere, but I swear I'll ask a favor for you, if you ask one for me.

CD1

After having a somewhat rough weekend I was greeted this morning with AF, and I have never been so happy to see her. I am now about two weeks away from my IUI. I am trying to get myself in a good place emotionally. So I've been working really hard at staying positive. But Friday's news sort of took the wind out of my sails. Thank you so much for all of your hugs and warm thoughts by the way. They really, really helped. I am just so thankful for this community.

I'm stuck in a weird place. I have this nagging voice in my head that keeps telling me to sluff off the heavy skin that keeps my optimism at a minimum. But it's hard not to be negative after all this. And I've always been a "Don't count your chickens till they hatch" kinda girl. So when I hear this voice, I all of a sudden feel like painting my spare bedroom because I may not be able to be around paint fumes in a short while. But then the other side of me, says PUT THAT PAINTBRUSH DOWN, there's nobody to paint for yet!

So here's my problem... I have a three-day weekend coming up... What should I do? Paint while I can take the VOC's? Or tan and read the stack of books that is piling up on my nightstand???

The Deepest Blues Are Black

First things first. I want to thank all of you for the well wishes on my last post and the emails and conversations that followed. They meant SO MUCH. I get an immense amount of comfort in knowing that you've all been there. And for those of you that haven't, just the simple offer of support is greatly appreciated. Your words helped to remind me that this actually is REALLY hard, and that I'm not just extraordinarily weak. I was beating myself up thinking that I had over estimated my own strength against all this. Thank you for picking me up.

I've been in a really black place for the last few weeks. The darkest I've ever seen. It was scary and lonely, and to be honest I'm not quite sure I'm completely out of there yet. In the past this blog has gotten me through some ugly days, even when no one was reading it. Just typing things out was consoling enough to get me through the days where Brian had done as much as he could. But this time I was so low, I couldn't even comprehend expressing my thoughts. I was paralyzed.

On top of that we had a little relapse in the DECISION 2009 of IVF over DI. To the extent that I had a phone meeting with a Financial Counselor at our Clinic to get a closer number on what exactly it would cost for IVF. The last information we got was from our doctor and was technically a ballpark. 14k for IVF, plus 2-6k for meds, averaging around 18-19k for people with our medical background. Not including the 1k in blood tests I would need to get things started. And another 2k for an FET if the IVF doesn't work. So a minimum of 17-19k, Maximum of 21-23k.

Once we had the hard numbers from the clinic we talked again about how difficult it would be financially. We also figured out that it would push things back at least a year. And that is including asking family for help. Since November of last year we have spent over six thousands dollars on testing alone. That was most of the money we had saved for my maternity leave, before we actually knew that IF was going to be a part of our lives instead of a baby. We're pretty conservative financially speaking. We've worked really hard to get were we are. We don't have a big fancy house, we don't live beyond our means, we rarely take vacations, and I make Brian's lunch almost everyday. We live comfortably but are definitely governed by our budget.

While I think DI is a wonderful option for starting a family, I can't help but worry that my yearning to start a family NOW is unreasonble. And that waiting a year or so to save up the money for IVF might not be as horrible as it seems. Brian has told me repeatedly that although having a bio kid would be ideal, he really is okay with DI and that he just wants to be a Dad already. He knows I feel exactly the same way, but I still wonder if part of his acceptance of doing DI is just for me. To spare my sanity, my heartache. He is that kind of man. 250% devoted to the happiness and well being of his wife and marriage.


I may always wonder what might have been. But for now I think we need to focus on what our future holds. It's time to look up, and move forward.

Introducing...

Sa.wyer Rob.ert Re.if was born this morning at 4:29 am. I am thoroughly honored to say that I was a witness to his birth. I am also however, thoroughly exhausted. So please excuse any fragmented sentences, as I will not be able to accurately edit this until I get out of bed. Next week.

One of my oldest and dearest friends is Sawyer's mommy. She invited me to witness this indescribable miracle, not because we're close enough that she wouldn't be embarrassed if I saw her spread eagle while groaning through labor, but to motivate me to move on already with a plan for our own family. I would imagine she thought that witnessing childbirth would be enough of an instigation to get my ass in gear. Little does she know that the invitation alone is part of what helped move me along. Brian and I made a decision about a week ago.

I was concerned at first. When she asked me I was completely stunned and told her I would have to think about it. I was a little terrified what that experience might do to my jumbled, infertility laden brain. Could I handle seeing a brand new baby placed on his mother's chest for the very first time? Would it break me? Would I fall apart?

The answers are yes and no, respectively. It was without question, a life changing experience. And I can't thank her and her husband enough for allowing me to share it with them.

Brian and I will be using Donor Insemination to start our family. It was the toughest decision we have ever had to make as a couple. We deliberated carefully between our options. The further we broke things down, the more apparent it became that we had base our decision on practicalities. IVF is financially, just plain out of reach for us. We could spend the next two to three years scrounging to save for a 40-60% chance, while my biological clock moves along unwavered by our less than supple pocket books... We could refinance our mortgage and be encumbered by a new, and inevitably higher payment. Which would only lead Brian to work more hours - and if you don't know Brian, he already works longer and harder on a daily basis, than anyone I've ever met. And I couldn't do this without him. I don't mean change diapers and wash bottles and do laundry. I mean I couldn't relish a family we went through so much to attain, without him by my side. Hearing the heartbeat for the first time, and feeling the baby kick. Watching first steps and introducing new foods... I won't even consider taking that away from him.

The other factors include the success percentages versus our specific diagnosis of severe MFI. While Y Chromosome Microdeletion was ruled out, there is the possibility of other genetic or chromosomal errors that we had to take into consideraion.

So, I feel good. Brian and I have been giving each other the those silly, knowing, little smiles that we did when we first started trying. Talking about names again and possible dues dates. When I'm in his arms it's incredibly easy to feel hopeful, and even blissful about the idea of FINALLY becoming parents. But when I'm alone, or laying awake in bed, the uneasiness creeps in. I think about the stories of failed DI by IUI, that are unexplained and ultimately leave the couple with IVF as their only other option. I probably sound ridiculous and you're thinking I shouldn't torture myself with the "what if's" and also, that I whine an awful lot. The problem is, I already know what its like to have the rug pulled out from underneath me. Like when I kept telling myself "It can take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive"...Well we all know how that turned out, DON'T WE.

We don't yet have an exact start date, it's definitely several months away. I really would like to elaborate on that but the drool on my keyboard tells me it's time to wrap things up and hit the sack. I've been up since 1am. I wonder if this exhaustion is anything close to what I will feel in my first trimester? I can't wait to compare it.

Eveready

I feel slightly uninspired to write, but also somewhat obligated. I want to stop thinking about all the baby stuff, but I am constantly reminded of it.

I was looking around online a few weeks ago and came across this forum that discussed the issues women face while trying to become pregnant. In order to partake in the discussion I had to register with the site. Well some how my account information got messed up and it shows my profile as already being a mom, and they now send me emails on other discussions Mom's have and sales on baby items. For some reason I am unable to change my profile or unsubscribe to their relentless emails. It keeps telling me there is an error of some sort. I even emailed the "tech help" section and they sent me step by step instructions that have no use or meaning to me. So I am subjected to a daily reminder that I have no need for any baby items that are now 30-50% OFF!!!

Its also raining babies among our various social circles. I found out yet another couple is expecting their first. Congratulations Mike and Boo. I mean that. I think. Yeah, I do. I'm not bitter anymore. Oh yeah, that's number 5 by the way- if anyone else is keeping count.

I think on the "bad days" I just feel a little blue. But it is really much better than it has been. I dream about it pretty often, a couple of days ago I had this dream that a woman was telling me I was going to have a boy next month. I couldn't quite remember or interpret if I was already pregnant or what... But it was intriguing at the very least. Most of my dreams have to do with me already having a baby or telling people I'm pregnant but I wouldn't be showing yet. So I can only hope that it's a foreshadow of some sort. Then again talking about it makes me feel like I might be jinxing it. Whatever. So in the meantime - I'll be waiting.

Weighing my options

This was an Instant Messaging session I had with my boss/best friend/sister regarding someone we know, who's daugher-in-law is expecting their FIFTH child. Yes, number FIVE. That's me Mrsgriff in Pink and Teresa is Reese.

MrsGriff027 (12:18:37 PM): That dumb bitch can get pregnant, but I can't???!!! WTF???
Reese (12:19:29 PM): i know, i was thinking the same thing. Brains unfortunately are not a pre-req for conception
Reese (12:19:56 PM): the only thing worse than your situation is having FIVE kids
Reese(12:19:59 PM): and no job
Reese(12:20:03 PM): good god
MrsGriff027 (12:20:09 PM): I should quit my job, and starting getting drunk all the time
Reese(12:20:21 PM): and start smoking too
Reese(12:20:28 PM): that should do it
MrsGriff027 (12:20:28 PM): GOOD CALL
MrsGriff027 (12:20:42 PM): I should also find some unsavory friends
MrsGriff027 (12:20:48 PM): Maybe it's contacgious
Reese(12:21:06 PM): yes, whatever works
MrsGriff027 (12:21:33 PM): Okay, but instead of quitting can you fire me? I think that might help my odds
Reese(12:21:52 PM): not a chance