You might be asking yourself. Okay probably not. It's more likely that I am overestimating the blogosphere's level of investment in my journey... I digress. Anyhoo, I have been hibernating in a little place I like to call a Crazymessbasketcaseland, and doing a marvelous job at it, by the way. Seriously folks, I have not been in a good place AT ALL. I know my last post was all fluffy and I jabbered on about being thankful and crap, but that was a mask. I was well on my way to CMBC Land and grasping at straws to keep my shit together.
I feel nuts.
Especially when I think about how little I've done as far as IF treatments go. Just the four IUI's. When I have a clear day, I'm able to see the poor condition my mental health is in, and I wonder how I got there. I don't think of myself as a weak and weepy person. But then again, most crazy people don't know they're crazy... Hmm. Food for thought there, huh?
PLEH.
That's HELP backwards. If you're a 'Friends' fanatic, you'll totally get that. Great episode. What was I talking about? Right. Help. I'm getting some.
- My acupuncturist, Ms. B, has been working on my Chakra, and helping me with some visualization tools to help me got out of this place.
- Yesterday I hung out with a few local bloggers. That is always a fantastic way to process garbage and get an outside, yet educated opinion/advice. Even them listening and nodding along to my blathering is helpful, because like all of you - they get it. Thank you so much Nikki and Sarang -private blog).
- My Therapist. As of tonight I will have a therapist. We saw one before, but it was through our clinic and solely to help us process the DI part of this journey. I think my troubles now stem from the long term effects of IF, and my failed IUI's. But god knows what else she'll find wrong with me. I'll let you know how that goes.
As far as my cycle, I am 2dpo today. I had an u/s on Friday to monitor and they found two large follicles on my right side. Evidently they prefer one on each side, but Dr Rawks wasn't surprised because my right side is dominant anyway. He said two follicles is still a good thing. So I triggered on Friday after my u/s and I went back for my IUI on Saturday. There was a total motile count of 10.6 million. Not great. I decided not to thaw another vial. It obviously didn't help last month, so fuck it. I've been feeling a little better the last few days, I think the acupuncture and the bloggy get together were very helpful. Let's hope my therapist will be the silver bullet.
17 comments:
Melissa - Hang in there. I know it is tough. As a fellow IFer who has recently gotten really sucky news, I can completely understand the downward spiral you have been feeling.
Just remember you are NOT alone. And as one of those many of you who you have reached out and touched in the IF world, you are a shining beacon of light, even on your worst day.
I love you girl!
We seem to be in the same crappy place right now. I am getting ready to start my 4th IUI and emotionally I am totally unstable. I just made my 1st appointment to see a therapist too. I hope you find happiness soon. Hang in there.
I'm sorry you're in crazytown. I'm the mayor. Glad that you are going to the therapist; hope that you will get help. Hugs!
P.S. That's some hole, Joe.
Melissa, hang in there girl. We have all been there (a.k.a. crappymessbasketcaseland) and know how you feel. I really hope the therapist and acupunturist give you some much deserved clarity/peace.
So sorry you're feeling so crappy. This IF stuff is rough, we totally understand. I hope the therapist is helpful, and please know I am thinking of you. *hugs*
Melissa - no, you were not blathering at all. We've all been there, and we know how crappy Crazymessbasketcaseland can be! Hang in there, and know that we're all here rooting you on!
It was great catching up yesterday! Looking forward to seeing you soon again!
((Hugs)) and good luck!
I'm sorry your in a crappy place. I hope the therapist helps. I started seeing one a few months ago and it's sure helped me. It may seem hard to believe but your sanity and hope will return...it just takes time and is, unfortunately, rather out of your control. All the best.
We've all been to CMBC Land and who can blame us? Infertility just completely messes with your head and I wish none of us were dealing with it. I hope that your visit to CMBC is over soon. ::hugs::
Nominated you for an award on my blog, btw.
You are not nuts, just human. Glad you are seeing someone, it helps even just a little to know you not crazy. Ive been wondering how you have been.
xxx
I understand your frustration. I think a therapist sounds like a great idea. I saw a psychologist for several years and it was very helpful. Don't be too hard on yourself -- infertility brings out a lot of our emotional issues and piles a ton of stress on top of them. You will pull through this ... you are already a step ahead by realizing how everything is affecting you and doing something about it.
Don't be too worried about getting 2 follicles on one side. My follicles were almost always on the right side. I think it's not uncommon to have a dominant side.
Hang in there ...
Visiting from Stirrup Queens. I've read a few entries on you blog and you are an excellent writter. I will be following along from now on.
I pray that your wish will come true, as fifth time REALLY is a charm.
Jealous that you get to hang out with other ALI bloggers.
Here's hoping that you get the PLEH you seek.
I am glad to know that I'm not the only one who tries the positive slant, always knowing it's a mask to cover the deep sadness. It comes and goes in waves...
I am glad you are getting help. And as usual, I am thinking and praying for your peace and success in this gut wrenching journey.
I'm praying you'll finally get your much deserved BFP at the end of this 2ww. Thinking of you and hoping it goes by really fast!
I'm thinking of you. That was the hardest thing for me...knowing it was another failed cycle, but that I really hadn't done much in the scheme of things. Hopefully it's soon for you.
*hugs*
Seriously, can I just cross-post what you say over on my blog? :)
I hope the therapist is going well- if it isn't a good fit for you, keep searching until you find one. :) You may feel like you are in Crazymessbasketcaseland, but I think you are doing a fantastic job of being proactive and taking steps to improve what you can- with the acupunture, blogger get-togethers, and the therapist. That's much better than staying in bed with the covers over your head. :) Keep hanging in there!
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