Shrunk

I'd never been to see a therapist before yesterday. My clinic has a licensed Marriage and Family therapist on staff who specializes in IF. She's actually dealt with IF herself. She was much warmer than I expected. I was completely prepared for a sterile room (no pun intended), open ended questions and bouts of silence. Like you'd see with Tony and Dr. Melfi. But there wasn't a moment were one of the three of us didn't have something to say. The validation we got from that session was like a divine intervention. It was about as reassuring as a conversation with god himself could have been as far as I'm concerned.

Before I tell you more about this, I'd like to clarify that Brian and I both scheduled this session for the same reason - me. In case you couldn't tell by the last oh, 76 posts, I've COMPLETELY LOST MY MIND. Yes, she asked us both questions, and Brian answered everything wholeheartedly, but I'm sure by about four minutes in, the Doctor figured out that I was the main reason for the appointment... I told her about my fears. I told her that I worried that Brian had settled on DI just for me. And how I was afraid that I was being unreasonable by not wanting to wait an undefinable amount of time to save up the money for IVF. That we were rushing into this, because I couldn't wait any longer...

In a nutshell she responded with:

"Melissa, the people who spend the most money don't always win. And I wouldn't say you are rushing into anything. TWO YEARS of trying- completely voids the whole rushing in thing. Keep your eyes on the prize. If you want a family NOW, go get one. If DI is the most reasonable way for you both to attain that, then you're making a fine choice. And also: you're crazy. My receptionist will get you our standard issue straight jacket on your way out."

Okay so I might have paraphrased a little. And maybe she didn't actually tell me that I had lost my mind. Nor did she issue me a straight jacket. But its likely that she at least considered it.

In all honesty we walked out of there with the peace I had hope to achieve in at least eight sessions. I know that sounds too perfect, but I swear it wasn't all peaches and cream. She told us that some of our other fears would probably come true and that our struggles weren't close to over. DI is going to be a life long journey. We have a lot of learning to do, and its never going to stop. And I feel strangely good about that. I feel like this was meant to be in some way. Like we are supposed to deal with this challenge, and we'll be better parents/people for it.

She also confirmed what Brian had been telling me all along. That he really was fine with DI. Like I had already mentioned here, and here. She told me that I was projecting my own fears on to him, and assuming that he'd deal with all this like I would. She said he genuinely appeared to be on board with doing DI. Then she threw out some psycho-babel about how men don't think or process things the same way women do...

I would say that this appointment was worth every penny, but at some point during our discussion, the therapist mentioned that the clinic provides your first counseling appointment for free. FREE. SOMETHING OTHER THAN LIBRARY BOOKS - THAT WAS RELATED TO INFERTILITY- WAS FREEEEEE. Finally. But seriously I would gladly have paid a nominal fee for the advocacy we received from her. Someone who's probably had this conversation a million times in her 20-30 career. She gave us the confidence we needed to move forward. And so we will. And had I not had to get the rubella vaccine yesterday we'd be doing it next month. But instead we'll have to settle for July. We're bumping things up a month.