Blogiversary

It's officially been a year since I started this little thing I considered to be an outlet. Although to be fair, I'd say the words "life preserver" should be somewhere in that description. The woman I am today is someone very different from the one writing this blog back then.

The past year has offered little more than despair and devastation. But its also made me realize how lucky I am to have Brian. Infertility is painful and consuming. And can break down even the strongest of marriages.  Brian has been supportive, patient and comforting from day one. Even after we received the test results- His optimism and stoic presence has pulled me back from the depths I never anticipated. There were many nights I crumbled in his arms and cried because I couldn't express a single word. I didn't know where to start.  And that's where this blog came in. 

Even with everything Brian offered I couldn't function without some other release, an avenue to solace. This blog has become that and more. To be honest, when I started this I had just barely grasped the concept of what a blog actually was. As silly as that sounds, I'd like to point out that my mother-in-law refers to it as a "blob". Love you Mom.  But aside from the bit of peace writing this blog has given me, its also directed me towards other women blogging about their own infertility experiences. It's like this massive world you had no idea existed until you're suddenly forced to become a citizen of it. It's a world full of anguish and grief and black humor. There's an excess of sad stories but then, fortunately, we stubble upon the ones with happy endings. They fill you with hope and anticipation that your day isn't as far away as it feels. Their stories give atonement and advocacy to every breakdown -public or private, every resentful glare towards a pregnant woman, and every night you cried yourself to sleep... I'm not alone. We are not alone. I hope that other people can learn as much as I have from reading and writing blogs.  I've spoken before about the profound healing powers this blog has given me, but I'd like to reiterate so that anyone reading this, now matter what there current life crisis might be, will be given another option for finding relief.

Even though we're moving on, I'm still on the mend. I don't know that anyone ever recovers or gets over infertility. Technically even if you conceive, through medical assistance, donor insemination, or miracle, you will be forever categorized as infertile. Because the odds of your next pregnancy will likely still be- well, unlikely without any of the above proceedings.  But hopefully we'll know better what we're up against and how to handle it. I actually think I'm a better person for having been through all of this. I don't take as much for granted. And I really believe the saying "You never know until you've been there" has never rang more true. 

Cryotastic

Tonight Brian and I visited the California Cryobank website. It's a starting point in looking for donors. We didn't make any purchases, but our searches were wholehearted.

I'll be honest. It's still a little surreal. I'm also a little taken back by my sudden excitement at the thought of (hopefully) being pregnant some time this year. We aren't rushing into anything. We won't be making any decisions for a few months. There is still a need to sort through the philosophical side of it. Like how this will impact our future child. A friend of mine that I met through an infertility forum, sent me the link to this article. It's about exploring the world of Donor Insemination. A place I suddenly feel compelled to examine. It also talks about families created through Donor Insemination and their acceptance.

I can't yet worry about what our families will think, I'm still too busy trying to figure out what we think...

Undone

Have you ever missed someone you've never met? Or ached for something so much that its hard to breathe?
I'm down today. I should have seen it coming. I've been pretty even keel, since our first meeting with the RE. Calmly putting it all into some kind of perspective. Was I just fooling myself? How do you organize your feelings for something like this? I've calculated and plotted. But it seems as soon as some sort of conclusion is reached, it all comes crashing down behind us. And I feel lost again.

Complicated

We heard back from the RE regarding the genetic testing for Brian. The great news is that he does not have the Y Chromosome Microdeletion. Fantastic to know for the fact that it won't be passed down to our potential son(s), but unfortunately it doesn't change the fact that we will still need IVF.

While we discussed the possibility of Brian having a chromosomal error, the RE mentioned the idea of using a sperm donor. Brian and I had discussed this a while ago and decided it wasn't something we wanted to do. But when we were speaking with the RE he asked us if adoption was something we had considered, when we said yes, he pointed out that if we did use a donor, the child would at least be biologically be one of ours (mine). And that if we knew we could love and care for an adopted child, what would be the difference if only one of us would be related by blood? Thank you doctor, we REALLY needed to add another quandary to our situation.

So before we received the results to the blood tests, we let the idea of Brian having a chromosomal error sink in, and the more we thought about it the more we became concerned about what could be passed on to our potential children. And the more a donor sounded like a good idea. You're probably wondering how that could even be an option for us. Believe it or not, I have had a harder time with it than Brian, I couldn't let go of the idea of this baby not being half of my husband. Not having his eyes or smile or height, or bionic metabolism. But moving passed my romantic notions, there are dozens of other factors that should be taken into consideration. First of all we would never ask anyone we knew for a "donation". And despite the crude jokes that some of Brian's guy friends have made, I would not be asking any of them for "assistance". I digress. So. Should we use an anonymous donor? Or one that is open to being contacted after a child has been conceived. Not that we would want to keep in touch but for the childs sake. You can of course choose a donor that has similar physical features, but you also need to look at the quality of his sperm. We also decided that if we were to use a donor we would be open with our child. Which brings up even more things to think about... Even if you begin telling this child everything from a very early age and explain that they are very much loved and wanted and that they're special, will they resent us? Will they want to look for their biological father? How will that make us feel? Will they feel different from other kids or worse, different than Brian? Will they have the same connection with him?

One of the benefits of using a donor is that it would not require IVF. IVF is physically and emotionally a very taxing procedure with months of preparation. And it costs like a bazillion dollars. If we were to use a donor we could do an IUI, or Intra Uterine Insemination. The RE gave us up to an 80% chance of conceiving per cycle in the first six months with a donor IUI. That is excellent. It's also under 2k. But forget the monetary costs for a moment. What would a failed IVF cost us emotionally? Our chances with IVF are more like 40-60%. And the devastation of an unsuccessful IVF is something we still aren't prepared to deal with.

Our conversation with the good doctor took place via conference call, Friday night. Right before his two week trip to India. So we have some time to think of a few more pages of questions for him, we plan to bombard him when he gets back. Safe trip Doc, safe trip.

Rise n Shine

I wish I could say that so far this year things have been very different for us. Unfortunately thoughts of babies still keep me up at night. Or in this case VERY early in the morning. I can't help it. After and hour of pleading with myself to phase everything out and try to fall back asleep, I just get up. Its silly to lay there, when I could be so much more productive right here. I missed you Internet. Its not that I haven't been thinking about you - BELIEVE ME. But I haven't been all that inspired to write.

I've been able to push most of the baby stuff out my head during the day. But in the wee small hours of the morning I still wonder what our lives will be like in five years, and whether or not they will include a child of our very own. It really is still that much in the air. The second round of tests that the RE ordered were to look at Brian's genetic materials. The RE said that Brian's severely low counts were indicative of a chromosomal error. Its called Y Chromosome Microdeletion. Its caused by missing gene(s) in the Y chromosome. This can lead reduced sperm counts, low morphology, the shape of the sperm, and low motility, the sperms ability to move. So let me put it this way, the old saying of "It just takes one" isn't actually true. You need a good pack of swimmers to get one guy to the.. ehhem finish line.

On that note, I will continue to leave us all in suspense as this journey of the infertile continues.

History

Given everything that I've shared with you, I think we can safely agree that 2008 was most definitely on par with a raging case of herpes and a severe UTI. And Brian and I couldn't have been happier to celebrate its departure from our very own living room, with a few good friends.

I'm trying to stop thinking about how horrendous the past year was and starting looking ahead again to what might be. In the days following our initial decision to remain an Aunt and Uncle, I couldn't help but feel giddy dreaming of the potential freedoms that lay ahead. I thought about taking a few classes at CSM. I thought about planning some weekend getaways, and even about learning how to play the drums. I want to join a wine club, and finally do something with the spare bedroom. It's been that awful peach color for much longer than it deserves. And maybe, just maybe it will be a nursery one day. But I can't plan for someday anymore. I need to think about tomorrow. And what I'm going to cook Brian for dinner, and more importantly what kick ass bottle of wine I'll be serving with it. Maybe I'll take some cooking classes - improve my knife skills. I'm definitely going to start jogging again. I miss the clarity it gave me.

As pretty as that "plan" sounds it's quite possible that a month from now I'll be posting about how we're trying to sell both of our cars to pay for IVF. But as far as expanding our family goes - I'm not going to think that far ahead yet.