No News Is .... Because I'm Boring

So, yeah... I've been a little MIA... Sorry bout that. Iyah... Don't have a whole lot to say I guess - But how are you? What's new?

Okay Seriously. I'm sorry I've been a little out of touch. It's funny because I always wondered about the people who let their blogs go for weeks without an update. How could they not feel compelled to overshare with general public?! I love writing here, I love that years from now I'll be able to look back at April 9th, 2008 and see where I was in my life... I've tried though! I have several unpublished posts that I started and just felt like they weren't really going anywhere, and I didn't want to drag you along with me. Then I happened to look at my calendar and realized that Sunday will be August 1st. (Holy Crap - AUGUST?!) And I can't let the entire month of July go by without a single update, now can I?

So in an effort to keep my future self posted as to where I'm at in my life on this very day, and so you all don't think I've run off to abduct Jason Sudeikis. I give you updates via bullet point, ala: I'm not dead, I swear.

Da Heyouse - I've wrapped myself up in all kinds of household projects. Painting, organizing, purging - all LONG overdue.

Fund Raising - Remember my 34 year old, non-smoking friend with Stage IV Lung Cancer? Well I joined a 5K Fund raiser for the organization he is involved with and I've spent a bit of time emailing and calling folks about it. I've even gone back on to Facebook (gulp) to shamelessly plug it. (Speaking of shameless plugging, if you'd like to donate to a REALLY fantastic and worthy cause, you can email me at bloggyme027 at gmail dot com)

IF Related -I signed us up for a Seminar that a local RE is doing the last week of September. And I set up a phone consultation for a few days after to discuss our future IVF cycle. Exciting! (It's either a phone consultation or a $500 face to face - free shit is better)

The RE's office sent me a package the very next day after my phone call with tons of paperwork, a dvd about them, and pricing. I also found out we might qualify for a 10-25% financial assistance discount that will be based on our income. I'm pretty sure we'll qualify for one of the two - sweetness!

Countdown - We're 35 days away from Pumpkin Spice Latte's.

Which means we're on the downhill side of the countdown to IVF in early 2011. Hoo-fuckin-rah

Weight Loss - I'm down 21.5lbs total, and I've hit a bit of a plateau. In the last two weeks I've bounced up and down about a half a pound. Which is pretty annoying. Guess it's time to mix up my exercise routine again. 14.5 more to go!

So there you have it. Nothing terribly exciting to post about, but I just wanted you all to know I'm still here. Brian has commented on more than one occasion about how nice it is to "have me back". While I feel like I've been in a good place for at least the last four months, I kind of know what he saying. I'm living my life again, and it doesn't have much to do with TTC or our failure to do so. (though I still demand sex when I'm ovulating). And I think the main reason it's been so easy to let go of is only because there is a silent simultaneous countdown ticking away in my head to when we will finally get to move forward again. So while my world is no where near revolving around it, it is still very much present in my everyday life. And now, if you'd like to discuss Politics, I can contradict myself further.

Melissa G - OUT.

Unplugged

Though my husband would emphatically disagree, I have to say how lovely it is to exist in a place without Cell phones or News reports. To spend your day without knowing what time it is, only identifying it in segments related to meals and shut eye. It must be how my dog feels every day.

I'm sorry to say I don't have any pictures for you. I fully intended to spend a significant amount of time capturing the wilderness I spent almost every summer in during my childhood. But I just never got around to it. Productivity had no part in this trip and I'm incredibly thankful for that. I needed that. To shut down. To unplug. To eat. To laugh. To spend time with people I love. It was so nourishing. It was also however, very, very cold. Sweatshirt weather during the daytime, and beanie and parka weather at night. It most certainly dipped well into the low 30's after sunset which is not exactly something I'm used to. I realize I probably sound like a panzy because some of you live in that type of weather, but how often to you sleep outside during it?

I truly enjoy camping. The smell. The quiet. The time we get to spend with my family, it's wonderful. And something about it makes me feel like a kid again. Unfortunately that something is when I have to trek it to the bathroom in the middle of the freezing cold night. There's just something so unsettling about not being able to see further than the beam of my flashlight that I simply cannot contain while I'm up there. Then once I make it safely back to my tent I spend the next twenty minutes or so trying not to think about how easy it would be for someone or something to murder me while I lay helpless, bundled up in my sleeping bag. Some of you will either know exactly what I mean or think I am a complete nut case. But that will never change the fact that when I'm camping, I am afraid of the dark.

Getting away from the hustle and bustle of every day life has reminded me of more than just how liberating it can be to really shut things off for a few days. It's made me realize how this break from ttc has given me a piece of my life back. And I say "a piece", because I still don't feel whole. But at least it's something. A glimmer of who I was, and what I may be again someday in the future. When the noises of infertility don't invade my thoughts and dreams. When I live my day in small segments of time, instead of two week periods that seem to drag on until I realize that actually months, and years have passed.

I admit that in gaining a part of myself back, I've lost the part of me that yearns to spend so much time here. While I miss so many of you that I've come to know so well over the years, it's also a little painful. To see you move on, to see you fail, to see you waiting, like me, for when you've healed enough, saved enough to move on to the next step - whatever that may be. Being slightly removed from all the ups and downs makes me realize how difficult that world is, how consuming and demanding treatments can be. And I'm awe of the strength you each possess. And I'm reminded of the support you've all given me, and how I hope that I've been there for you as much as you've been there for me. I don't mean that to sound like I'm going anywhere, I just feel the need to clarify my absesnce from your comments and lack of posting here. It's an unfortunate struggle between wanting to know every little update in the lives I feel so invested in, and needing a little space from such an all encompassing saga. I hope that makes sense.

Long Time, No ICLW

I've taken the last four months off ICLW because I couldn't honestly commit to getting all the commenting done. But I'm back now, and feeling better. I typically like to sum up my blog in the introductory ICLW posts, but I'm having a hard time describing my current status as anything but a loud, exaggerated fart noise.

So here's some history!

My husband and I started TTC back in the summer of ought seven. I say it all old timey like that because it literally feels like it was that long ago that our TTC journey began. And I now refer to that time as a completely different era. We were a happy-go-lucky couple that was completely clueless of the odyssey that lie ahead. I genuinely believed we would get pregnant on the first try, imagine that.

Fast forward to December 2008, we were diagnosed with severe Male Factor and told IVF w/ICSI or Donor Sperm would be our only hope. After much deliberation we chose donor because it was the most financially attainable, and because we were concerned about the implications that the severity of his diagnosis might mean for our future children.

Fast forward AGAIN to December 2009 when we had our SIXTH and final dIUI. All of them left us with straight up BFN's and a fair amount of credit card debt. My RE at the time, and the second opinion we got a month later were dumbfounded, and couldn't explain why none of the IUI's worked because my charts looked so great.

And that brings us to the present time: Infertile Purgatory. We're currently emotionally and financially tapped out - (Donor sperm is EXPENSIVE!) You can see our protocol for the IUI's in my timeline up above. Although, none of them worked so I wouldn't exactly say they were exemplary. Anyway. Back to the purgatory. We have no idea what the next step is. Possibly IVF using my husbands sperm and donor for back up, or possibly adoption... We just don't have a stinking clue, or any money to move forward anyway, so here we sit. This break is a blessing and a curse - depends on when you ask me.

At the moment I'm working on some loosing some weight. I went a smidge overboard with the comfort foods, and found myself 26.4lbs heavier than I'd like to be. I'm a Pisces. I love hockey, blogging and this IF community. I don't believe in butter or sugar substitutes. I look forward to getting to know all of you.

Thankful Thursday

On a regular basis I try to stop what I'm doing and think about how lucky am, and how great my life is aside from IF. Ceejay did a post recently that reminded me it's been a while since I said those things out loud. So here it goes:

• Being on a break: As batshit crazy as that sounds, I am so incredibly thankful that we had no money therefore were forced to take this break. Okay, I'm not thankful that we don't have any money for A.R.T., but I really think this break was much needed, and so difficult to see through my BFN haze. It's really been a good thing for me, and my marriage. There is a certain freedom that comes with not knowing what cycle day you're on. Almost like being a normal person. Well "normal" is relative, but you know what I mean.


• My Husband: My husband who works so incredibly hard to keep the dollah billz flowing in even through this horrible recession. Being a small business owner is no piece of cake these days, yet somehow he's still managing to keep his shit together. Even outside of his business, he's been working incredibly hard to make things better in our marriage. The last eight months have been really challenging for us maritally speaking. Not all the time or everyday. And not to the point where either of us started making other plans. On the worst days though it seemed like not wanting a divorce, was the only thing we had in common. While we're not quite finished, I'm overjoyed to tell you that after a fair amount of couples therapy and a lot of hard work, we're doing much better. I don't mean that to sound like he was the only one who had work to do. This blog should be all the evidence you need to prove I've got my own brand of crazy. Marriage is work. And sometimes, it's a lot of work. And not something you as a couple can handle alone. Which leads me to my next bullet point.


• Therapy: Alone, together, WHATEVER. I think everyone should have a therapist. We're all a little crazy and if you think you're not, well let me tell you something: The really crazy people- don't know they're crazy. And even if you might not need it now, you should consider it someday. My final word: All ttc and no therapy makes Melissa want to climb up on to a rooftop with a semi-automatic weapon.


• Humor: If we weren't laughing, we'd be crying right? Truer words were never spoken my friends. By the way, the last two sentences in my previous bullet point WERE A JOKE, and I hope I didn't offend anyone, but come on people, you know you've been there too. I digress. What I was going to say is that I've lost count of the amount of times I've come a cross a blog post put up by some of you out there that has completely disarmed me, and left me with tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. And I'm so, so grateful to know it's out there.


• The Internet: I don't even want to think about where I'd be, had I not found this community. Endless resources, and endless support. I love the Internet.
  
• Wei.ght Wat.chers: I'm down another 0.8 lbs. Not what I hoped for, and I'm trying not to beat myself up for such a lame-o drop, but I guess it's better than gaining.


• Friends, fertile or not: Through this hardship I have learned a lot about my friends, and especially what kind of friend I want to be from now on. I've met some amazing people in the IF community. Ones that I hope to know and keep in contact with for the rest of my life. And my IRL friends, fertile as most may be. There are a select few of them that have been absolutely incredible. The awesome ones know of and have access to this blog. The rest of them can suck it. Just kidding. The rest of them just don't get it, and I won't hold that against them because I wonder what kind of friend I would have been had the situation been reversed. I like to think I would have not been a complete asshole, but you never know. Oh, and I'm not completely out of the IF closet, so some of them just don't know about our problem. Though we've been married for almost seven years, so I'm sure they're wondering. P.S. one of my very good IRL friends is going to do a guest post very soon, so stay tuned!
  

Okay, that's not EVERYTHING I'm thankful for, but those are the first few things that floated in to my teeny tiny brain....

What are you thankful for?

Radio Silence

I've had plenty to write about lately, but just not the urge to write. Which feels strange to me. There have been many moments over the last two plus years where I found myself suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to come here and lay it all out. Every thought. Every feeling. Leaving no detail unwritten. But lately I find that I'm less and less inclined to share. Not because I think the details of my goings on these days are any less important, but because my feelings aren't bubbling over the top anymore. This break from trying - it's starting to become more than a getaway and more like an extended leave. Don't get me wrong it's not like all the baby thoughts have magically disappeared- All the normal stuff that bothers us infertile's still stings, but the voices that echo the pain back and forth have begun to grow still, and I can hear myself think again.

It's kinda nice.

So as much as I hate to admit it our old RE was sort of right about seeing a urologist. He was a really cool Doctor, and aside from being extremely knowledgeable about IF, he was just really funny and warm, and didn't BS us. And in the middle of the appointment he stopped what he was doing and told us he hopes it happens for us soon because we're going to be great parents. It was just so sweet of him to say, he sounded so genuine it kind of caught me off guard. And then he asked Brian to turn his head and cough.

So other than concluding the appointment with information we already knew, we did at least get some reassurance about Brian's Testosterone levels, which our most recent RE told us to look into. Brian's results were on the higher side of being boarder line, but it turns out that his test was done at 1pm, when testosterone levels should be checked at 8am... So this doctor said they would more than likely be normal if we were to test again at the correct time. Which makes sense cause Brian usually has a five o'clock shadow by noon. So next we'll probably do the DNA fragmentation test with our current RE because they give a discount to those who have no IF insurance coverage.

In other news we're going to interview one more RE. He's very well established, and closer to home than our current RE, so if we like him and the cost won't be much different then it'd be nice to be so close to his office. And while I feel it's necessary to finish up some testing and check one more doctor off our list, I also think it's important that I tell you all how far away our next treatment will probably be. We haven't set a date for when we're jumping back on the ttc train, and we're not going to. Partially because of finances and partially because I am REALLY not ready. I still can't believe I feel that way, and I remember shaking my head when reading a statement like that on other blogs. I couldn't identify with not wanting to pursue treatments. But right now, I need to focus on me and Brian. I've been doing that a lot more lately and it feels SO GOOD. The clouds are slowly lifting, and I'm head over heels for my new found freedom from heartache. Yes, I still think about babies, and everything we've gone through. I still haven't gone back on Fac.ebook to avoid a pregnancy related status update. But the wait/weight is gone. I'm not going to let anxiety and frustration rule my life anymore. Until I start cycling again anyway.

Home Sweet Home

Well? What do you think?

I personally love it. There are still a few kinks I am trying to work out. Like adding and editing the tabs above. If anyone has any tips for how to do that I would be FOREVER grateful. I looked up this question in the forums, and tried to contact the creator of this template but she hasn't responded yet... Sorry I know this is boring if you've never had to deal with it. So on to the matters at hand...

I'm on my third day of Letrozole, so far not a single side effect to report. I am a little concerned that prolonged use may create cysts and what not. It's actually a little scary for me to be on these meds. I was really hoping that I could get by with natural cycles, but my impatience took over and here I am. I was hoping to create a tab for a break down on my current cycle, but like I said, I'm still trying to figure that out. So here it is:

• I am currently on CD 5, horray AF is almost gone.
• I will be taking Letrozole until CD7 which is Thursday, October 1st.
• On Saturday, October 3rd I will start doing OPK's to make sure I don't ovulate before my ultrasound.
• Tuesday, October 6th I will go in for an ultrasound to monitor the growth of my follicles, hopefully I will have at least two, and no more than three. At that time they will determine when I will need to trigger ovulation. I'll be using Ovidrel for that.
• Then I will go in for my IUI about 36 hours after that. I'm guess October 8th or 9th.
• And after that I will start up on my progesterone, Prometrium suppositories, and count down until my BFP. We won't be doing a beta. I just need to call them WHEN I get a positive test.

God I hope my optimism doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

Thanks for coming to my new home!

Absolutely Lovely

I cannot imagine where I would be without this incredible community. The love and support I have received is absolutely overwhelming. I am honored to say I received the One Lovely Blog Award from Melissa, Michelle, Kerri and Kim !




Thank you so much for thinking of me ladies! Before I tell you about the details of the award I'd like to focus again one what a great community we have here. And how paramount I think it is that we continue to help it blossom. Mel over at Stirrup Queens has put in a request to boost the involvement in honor of the LFCA's second anniversary. She's asking that we all make a little more effort in submitting news, whether it be our own, or a bloggy pal's. In addition we need to continue visting the Lost and Found to check on the ones who've submitted the news and spread a little extra love. Please do your best to spend a few minutes each night commenting to those in need.

Okay, the rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award. I'm going to have to cheat a little and only put 9!!! Can you ever forgive me?!

1. Drive Fast. Take Chances.
2. Dreams of a Baby
3. Life in the White House
4. My Journey to Become a Mother
5. Baby Manatee
6. Will Not Work For Baby
7. The Important Things in Life Aren't Things
8. We Got Hitched ... Now What?
9. Me Inside Out

Congratulations ladies!!! A BIG Squishy hug to you all!!

Howdy!

Welcome ICLW readers! I totally meant to post this earlier but we were out in the f'ing Boondocks for the weekend, and I had no Internet connection. NO INTERNET?!!!! Why not just cut off my thumbs while you're at it?! I really shouldn't complain, we spent the weekend with the owners of a small Winery about 3 hours Northeast of San Francisco. They spoiled us with an obscene amount of food and wine, but the lack technology almost took my will to live. ALMOST. At least I had wine to distract me from taking my own life. Anyway, I'm cautiously hoping that by the end of July I'll have a good reason not to drink anymore. I'll be doing my first dIUI next month. Woo Hoo!


This is only my second time participating in ICLW, but I just want to say how very grateful I am that it exists. It's been amazing to read and follow these incredibly profound tales from the world of infertility.


My husband and I had been ttc for 16 months when we were diagnosed with Severe Male Factor infertility. We were told we had less than a 1% chance of conceiving naturally, and that IVF with ICSI or Donor Sperm would be or only options for a biological(ish) child. You can check out our story in a nutshell if you look at my timeline and or profile. Or you can take some time to read the posts that carry the most significance. Like after we were diagnosed and sort of decided not to have kids at all, because it felt so good to just take control of the situation. Then when our RE first told us about the option of DI. And when we couldn't make up our minds between DI or IVF. Then I had a mental breakdown and we went to see a counselor. So once we finally moved on, and were able to look at a sperm bank website with out a martini and box of kleenex, this post talks about how we narrowed down our choice of donors.


I'm glad you were able to stop by. I look forward to reading a lot of your stories!

Oct-what?!-lets?

Something needs to be said in light of the recent spectacle created by the women who gave birth to Octuplets. I read a blog post written by a fellow infertile. I wish that I had the eloquence and wit that this women does because I would have written this article myself. Word for word.

Before you get started I am going to give you a small guide to the abbreviations because it's written in Infertilese.

HOM's - High-Order Multiples
ART - Assisted Reproductive Technology
IVF - Invitro Fertilization
FET - Frozen Embryo Transfer
IUI - Intrauterine Insemination

Once you finish the article come back here to read the rest of my post.

I'd like to gloss over my favorite parts of this article:

1. I LOVE that she points out the fact that if IVF were covered by insurance, there would be a lot less HOM's. Our insurance covers NOTHING.

2. In the same paragraph she points out that people who need IVF don't typically/purposefully put themselves in the positions to birth a litter. You only hear about them because it makes great news. Example: John and Kate plus 8. I personally like the show, but you see what I'm getting at. She also nailed it when she referred to the "the Fertile Public", insinuating that most people who don't have trouble getting pregnant have no idea what's going on with the latest treatments. While we've begun telling people about one of our options being IVF, at least 95% of them have assumed I'm going to have twins- if not more. I'd like to first say that in my case, they would only implant one fertilized egg because my plumbing is in good shape. From what I've read, when there is a problem on the woman's side, endometriosis, cysts and such, it's more difficult for a single egg to implant, so they tend to, but not always, insert more than one. Second, from the same people who assume we'll be having multiples comes the reaction "oh gawd, I would never want twins". Let me just say that when it's a real possibility that you may not have children at all- twins don't sound so bad.

3. I like that her ultimate judgment is on the doctor for implanting so many embryo's without doing further assessments into her situation. Also isn't there some kind of code of ethics that should have been called upon in regards to the health of the potential lives to be created from this procedure???? Not to mention the crazy mother's health? She has 6 other children to think about!! What if something had gone terribly wrong? Then the 6+ would be without their mother? AND what kind of financial impact it would make?!!!

I'd like to end this post with a big WTF?! And ask for your input on this travesty. Especially to my readers who are dealing with infertility.

Blogiversary

It's officially been a year since I started this little thing I considered to be an outlet. Although to be fair, I'd say the words "life preserver" should be somewhere in that description. The woman I am today is someone very different from the one writing this blog back then.

The past year has offered little more than despair and devastation. But its also made me realize how lucky I am to have Brian. Infertility is painful and consuming. And can break down even the strongest of marriages.  Brian has been supportive, patient and comforting from day one. Even after we received the test results- His optimism and stoic presence has pulled me back from the depths I never anticipated. There were many nights I crumbled in his arms and cried because I couldn't express a single word. I didn't know where to start.  And that's where this blog came in. 

Even with everything Brian offered I couldn't function without some other release, an avenue to solace. This blog has become that and more. To be honest, when I started this I had just barely grasped the concept of what a blog actually was. As silly as that sounds, I'd like to point out that my mother-in-law refers to it as a "blob". Love you Mom.  But aside from the bit of peace writing this blog has given me, its also directed me towards other women blogging about their own infertility experiences. It's like this massive world you had no idea existed until you're suddenly forced to become a citizen of it. It's a world full of anguish and grief and black humor. There's an excess of sad stories but then, fortunately, we stubble upon the ones with happy endings. They fill you with hope and anticipation that your day isn't as far away as it feels. Their stories give atonement and advocacy to every breakdown -public or private, every resentful glare towards a pregnant woman, and every night you cried yourself to sleep... I'm not alone. We are not alone. I hope that other people can learn as much as I have from reading and writing blogs.  I've spoken before about the profound healing powers this blog has given me, but I'd like to reiterate so that anyone reading this, now matter what there current life crisis might be, will be given another option for finding relief.

Even though we're moving on, I'm still on the mend. I don't know that anyone ever recovers or gets over infertility. Technically even if you conceive, through medical assistance, donor insemination, or miracle, you will be forever categorized as infertile. Because the odds of your next pregnancy will likely still be- well, unlikely without any of the above proceedings.  But hopefully we'll know better what we're up against and how to handle it. I actually think I'm a better person for having been through all of this. I don't take as much for granted. And I really believe the saying "You never know until you've been there" has never rang more true. 

Dear Diary: I'm Still Not Pregnant

If you've read more than one of my posts you 'd know that I truly have run the full gamut of emotions. I'm fine, I'm a mess, I'm confident, I'm spiteful, desperate, cynical, hopeful; you were there, you get the point.

I think even before we started trying something inside told me this would not go easily for me. Hence being so adamant about not telling anyone we were trying to begin with. In the last few months I have began to seek more and more solace from various sites on the Internet; blogs, chat rooms, support groups and articles about infertility. All of which have only solidified the one thing I somehow knew in the back of my mind: That not only was my journey going to be more difficult than most, but longer too. To the right of the of the page you will see a few different websites that I highly recommend. The blogs and articles are written by some of the most amazing women. They are warriors. Their stories make my little play seem so petty and insignificant. My favorite of them all is a blog entitled Maybe If You Just Relax by Jen Knepper. This post specifically is my favorite. She is extremely honest, poignant and above all hilarious and I am eternally grateful I fell upon her blog. So grateful in fact that I sent her a little email... And she was gracious enough to write back.

From: Melissa Griffin

Subject: Thank you

To: Jennifer Knepper

Thursday, September 18, 2008, 6:06 PM

Hi Jen,

I just recently found your blog on Redbook, which lead be to Maybe If You Just Relax. I am so glad I found your site but wish that I had found it sooner. Like during the 6 months I thought about having myself committed. jk. I have been trying to get pregnant for just over a year and my husband and I are tiptoeing around the idea of going to fertility clinic. Even though it's only been a year, I feel like I have been through SO much but then I read your blog and a few other women's and I feel like I ain't seen nothing yet. Ugh.

Well enough crap about me, I just really wanted to thank you for your stories. You are a fantastic writer and every one of your posts makes me laugh. I definitely need that. I admire how honest you are and you have become one of the VERY few pregnant women that I wouldn't squint at and call a whore under my breath. I really am happy for you. I didn't think I could say that to any woman with child. But for you, I actually mean it.

Thanks again,
Melissa Griffin

Her Response:

Hi Melissa,
Thank you so much for your sweet email! I love to hear from readers.

I can definitely say that I know how you feel - I remember the one year mark very well. But trust me, you'll get used to showing your vagina to every doctor in your state of residence and won't even bat an eye! Still, I wish you the best of luck, and hope you end up not needing assistance after all.

If you ever have any questions or anything, let me know. And thanks again for writing!
-Jen
_______________________________________________
Making people uncomfortable with stories about my vagina since 2007:
http://www.jennepper.com/

Blogging publicly about our reproductive debacles since 2008:
www.redbookmag.com/your/infertility

I think her response explains everything I enjoy about her writing. Thanks again Jen. And Congratulations on your little girl.

Sticking A Fork In The Baby Making Road

What if I never know what its like to see that second line on a home pregnancy test? What if we can never have kids?

I have recently been reading other women's blogs about TTC. Most of them are much further into the journey than I am. Most of them are talking about fertility treatments that include pills, shots, creams, and even surgery. Most of them have been trying for years and have spent thousands of dollars and still haven't gotten pregnant.

What if we don't want to go that far? What we don't want to adopt?

I feel like we have been through so much in the last year. But in comparison to the heartache that some couples have been through, we ain't seen nothin' yet. I feel like this really may not happen for us. And it's not sadness talking, but maybe a kind of resolve. Like I am coming to terms with the fact that it may not be in the cards for us. I feel like the time is closing in on what kind of discussions we need to start having together then with our families. I hate that two weeks ago I was ready to break down the doors of the first Fertility Clinic I found and jump into their stirrups, and now. Well now I don't know if I want to deal with any of that. Part of me wants to just find out if we can or not. But then I think about the people who didn't take that route. I have one friend who tried for two years then finally got pregnant - with no medical intervention. We have some friends who tried for nine years and some who tried for thirteen and finally got their baby... Do I want to hang on that long? I don't know.

What we will spend our double incomes on? What sort of exotic vacations are in store for us?

That probably sounds insensitive right? Well what if I'm feeling insensitive?! Haven't I earned the right to be sarcastic and cold?

I was five days late this month. FIVE. I have never been that late. I took at test last night and it was negative. Then I got my period this afternoon. We technically took last month off because of the medication I had to take for that rash. Brian and I were still careful and didn't "try". But lets just say our method was not exactly bomb proof. So when I was late this week I was all: NO WAY! Are you kidding me? That would be just like us to get it right when we were trying to get it wrong! But we didn't... And that medication? Well it fucked me all up. It gave me such bad vertigo I was afraid to drive. And Sunday I had such strong fatigue that I barely got out of bed all day. It felt like the time I had carbon monoxide poisoning. Ugh. Where do we go from here?

And the Internet won't make an insurance claim

When I started this blog I had no idea what monumental healing powers it would hold. Only recently have I really been able to take a step back and look at what a mess I was. Part of the reason we didn't tell anyone is because I was concerned that getting pregnant would take so long. I couldn't stand the thought of people knowing that I was having trouble, and I knew how much I'd hate it if someone asked me how things were going on the wrong day. It would be the equivalent of someone pointing out a mistake I'd made to a crowded room. I didn't want to face the anyone, I didn't want to look inadequate or vulnerable. "The brave face." That's me. "Don't ask me how I'm doing and I'll be fine." I know now how toxic that is.

Yesterday I came across a local blog which had a simple entry regarding an interview she had done for an article that deemed blogging "group therapy." I couldn't agree more. Thanks Internet.

Trying

By the time you read this we will have already told you that we are going to parents. But right now, as I am typing this, I don't yet know. I don't know if I am pregnant today or not. And I don't know if and when I will be. Brian and I started trying in August of 2007. My doctor and all of the books and websites I have read say that it can take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive.

When we first decided we were ready I bought a few books, saw my doctor and "got to work". The first month I found out I wasn't pregnant completely broke my heart. Before that day I had convinced myself that I probably wouldn't get pregnant right away, and that I wouldn't be one of those irrational women who took ovulation tests or cried when they saw a newborn at the Outback Steakhouse. I thought I had convinced myself. After three months of negative tests I became one of those women. By the way, we aren't "irrational", we're "enthusiastic".

We made the decision not tell anyone that we were trying for a few different reasons. Looking back it made things a little tough at first. In the begining it was fun, like our little secret. But as the first few months went by with no good news I realized how isolated I felt. Even having Brian to talk to wasn't enough. I know he tried hard to empathize, and did his best to comfort me but I think its different for women. When you start this journey, you come to a whole new level of awareness about what your body is doing. You begin analyzing every little twinge. (Here comes the irrational part) I think I even conjured a few pregnancy symptoms, only to be let down a few days later.

I'm sure there are more of you than just my mother-in-law who is disappointed that we didn't tell you we were trying. (Hi Sharon) Just know that it didn't have anything to do with you or our trust in you. It was just a decision that we made, together. But until our baby is on the way, I think this will be a great outlet for me. So I'm crossing my fingers and Brian is rubbing my abdomen for good luck. Daily. Okay, two to three times daily...

Brand New

For some of you this maybe the first time reading a blog. What is a blog? It's basically a personal diary made public. So you can know exactly what I'm thinking. I know how much you value my rarely shared opinion.... Now you can enjoy it weekly from the comfort of your own home.

I'm a little freaked out but I think it will be good all together. Thanks for joining us, it should be fun.