I've taken the last four months off ICLW because I couldn't honestly commit to getting all the commenting done. But I'm back now, and feeling better. I typically like to sum up my blog in the introductory ICLW posts, but I'm having a hard time describing my current status as anything but a loud, exaggerated fart noise.
So here's some history!
My husband and I started TTC back in the summer of ought seven. I say it all old timey like that because it literally feels like it was that long ago that our TTC journey began. And I now refer to that time as a completely different era. We were a happy-go-lucky couple that was completely clueless of the odyssey that lie ahead. I genuinely believed we would get pregnant on the first try, imagine that.
Fast forward to December 2008, we were diagnosed with severe Male Factor and told IVF w/ICSI or Donor Sperm would be our only hope. After much deliberation we chose donor because it was the most financially attainable, and because we were concerned about the implications that the severity of his diagnosis might mean for our future children.
Fast forward AGAIN to December 2009 when we had our SIXTH and final dIUI. All of them left us with straight up BFN's and a fair amount of credit card debt. My RE at the time, and the second opinion we got a month later were dumbfounded, and couldn't explain why none of the IUI's worked because my charts looked so great.
And that brings us to the present time: Infertile Purgatory. We're currently emotionally and financially tapped out - (Donor sperm is EXPENSIVE!) You can see our protocol for the IUI's in my timeline up above. Although, none of them worked so I wouldn't exactly say they were exemplary. Anyway. Back to the purgatory. We have no idea what the next step is. Possibly IVF using my husbands sperm and donor for back up, or possibly adoption... We just don't have a stinking clue, or any money to move forward anyway, so here we sit. This break is a blessing and a curse - depends on when you ask me.
At the moment I'm working on some loosing some weight. I went a smidge overboard with the comfort foods, and found myself 26.4lbs heavier than I'd like to be. I'm a Pisces. I love hockey, blogging and this IF community. I don't believe in butter or sugar substitutes. I look forward to getting to know all of you.
44 comments:
Oh I can't imagine how hellish the Infertile Purgatory is for you. Hang in there. Sending you lots of strength.
hi there - i'm here from ICLW. wow, you've been through a lot. i hope you have the faith to hang in there. it's a pain in the butt for some of us to get that bfp, but my hope for you is that all the pain is behind you, and that you have good luck going forward. i'm doing the opposite of you in terms of comfort food. i'm punishing myself and avoiding it all. the result, is that i'm getting a bit nutty and find myself drooling on more occasions than desired :o)
wishing you all the best!
this if road is hard, but hang in there girl. i too do not believe in substitutes for butter or sugar. happy iclw.
Good lord what a stretch- I can't imagine the heartache that goes with all of this (I'm infertile, but we were never TTC and we're pursuing adoption). The financials of IF constantly boggle my mind. As hard as this sounds, IF may wear us down, but I know it makes us stronger too. Hang in there. This is my first ICLW in a long time too- it's nice to get back out there and find other blogs, other stories. I hope you find some encouragement and inspiration this week. *hug*
Happy ICLW!
~Miriam (ICLW #13)
This is my first ICLW, so I'm just stopping in for the first time. I wanted to send you some hugs. We too have dealt with and are dealing with MFIF. We chose adoption after being told IVF was our only option. Now we are back to testing to see if things have changed and which way we want to go. I hope your IF purgatory comes to a happy end soon!
My - what a journey. I hope you figure out a next step that you can manage!
ICLW
http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/
Stopping by via ICLW~I'm sorry you've been through all that you have. We have male factor infertility issues as well. We done 2 IUI's and 1 IVF. Its such a tough journey. I feel as though we are in Infertile Purgatory as well. We're kind of in limbo trying to figure out what to do next. If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to email me.
The forced breaks are the worst... we did a short one last year for just over three months and it killed me every day not to be doing something to move forward. I hope that your time in purgatory (love the analogy by the way) is a lot shorter than you anticipated!
ICLW
First off, I have never heard of ICLW...wow...I love it though. I read your button and finally "got" it - comments really are the new hug in the blogger TTC world!
Thanks for the synopsis of the hell you've gone through - it's been so amazing to me to read about everyone's journeys. I, too, naively thought we'd conceive the first month and was devastated when we didn't. WTH was I thinking??? Oh how I wish I could go back to those times....
At any rate, hang in there - enjoy this forced break & make the most of it!
Another ICLW Visit - Hang in there, I hate waiting and not knowing where to go next, or what to consider. I'm sorry that the Donor route didn't work out. We're waiting too, and looking at IVF/ICSI as a likely possibility, but we don't really know yet because we don't know what the problem is.
Amen on banning the butter and sugar substitutes. I firmly believe the substitutes are way worse for us than the real thing. Anyway, welcome back to ICLW! And hang in there on the waiting. I guess at least you don't have to make any decisions until you're back in a financial position to move forward, right?
Oh my goodness! That is an emotional roller coaster! I hope this break brings you some peace!
ICLW #119
I'm 35 lbs heavier then I want to be, Sagittarius, love running, blogging, and this community too. Hang in there. An opportunity will present itself when you least expect it. Great blog, can't wait to read more. I'm your newest follower from IComLeavWe.
-K
http://mypottyseat.blogspot.com/
I am sorry you are in a tough spot right now. Forced breaks are no fun. Especially when money is part of the reason. (At least that is how it felt for me on my journey.)
I love real butter and real food. I am an Aries, and probably too damn stubborn for my own good!
Here from IComLeavWe
Purgatory is a bit confusing, isn't it.
And substitutes stink, lol.
ICLW
Infertile Purgatory sucks. :(
How's Jillian treating you now? I haven't started yet because a.) my babies are crying most of the day and b.) my MIL is here and I don't really want to be bustin' a move in front of her.
Hi! I just want to tell you, that I totally get how you feel like 07' was the old days! I feel exactly the same way. I'm glad I found you and I look forward to reading more.
ICLW#96
That really sucks and it is hell. I know Sarang may have already told you, but just in case this may help out in any way, I have lots of boxes of Gonal-F expiring at the end of this year that I would like to donate, just let me know.
Nice to meet you Melissa G ;) I also don't believe in butter or sugar substitutes - they are much worse for you anyway! But have you tried xylitol? It is a real sugar, just a different form and is much better for you and is sweeter than the normal sugar we are used to, so you use less. Hmm... i don't work for a xylitol company by the way.
Reading about your journey again made me take a deep long sigh. It totally sucks not having a reason for why the dIUIs didn't work. Totally totally. Wish you could find some answers - actually i wish that for me too. xx
Welcome back to ICLW, we're glad to have you!
I feel ya on the IF purgatory. I hate limbo... don't know why things don't work, financial hell, not sure how to move forward. Yay for infertility.
I'm hoping things work out, and that you get your BFP soon. Good luck.
I hope this stopover in IF Purgatory is short lived...and, more importantly, I hope one day you can laugh your ass off at IF. Have you seen the shirt that reads, "I kicked Infertility's ass!" It's got your name written all over it.
And thanks for being my weight loss motivator and buddy. I got the Shred DVD today...slightly terrified to try it tonight!
Welcome back to ICLW!!! I was reading your post about the 30 Day Shred and I can totally relate...that workout is intense! Hang in there!
Blah no fun being in purgatory. And I know exactly what you mean about it being a blessing or a curse depending on the day.
I feel like we're lucky enough to be able to REALLY question whether or not we want kids, as opposed to some people who have them at the drop of a hat without ever having that time to really consider everything it takes to be a parent.
Happy ICLW and I've subscribed to you via RSS feed so I can follow you (I'll become a follower here in a minute.) :)
Not an easy ride :-(.
Hope you all the best.
~ICLW~
Hello from ICLW :)
Wow, my heart is literally aching for you in your current IF purgatory. I hope this break gives you some clarity and direction. Hang in there!!
Hi
I'm here from ICLW.
Infertile Purgatory is awful. I hope you manage to navigate your path through it.
"ought seven" and your "butter or sugar substitutes" mentions are two new reasons why I love you.
This stuck kind of place can at times feel good when you really need that break from it and at others...well, I don't have to tell you...it sucks ass. Hoping your next steps are good ones.
I'm just kind of hanging around here too. (-;
Butter and sugar substitutes are 2 of my pet peeves...right along with frozen yogurt for ice cream. Come on! I tend to follow the motto that if it wasn't an ingredient that existed for my great grandparents, I pretty much don't want it.
Yeah...I've gone a smidge overboard with my comfort foods too. From 2008 to today. :)
I hope you hang in there, and manage to work on your tan while in purgatory. It's a sucky place to be. I know. Gosh do I know.
I really enjoyed reading your post and wish you good luck. I too am loosing weight with I think just over 30lbs gone so happy to support you!!
Happy ICWL #9
Hi, nice to meet you. Hopefully your purgatory will end soon?
I spent many years in Inferile Purgatory, I was successful once (well, twice if you count a miscarriage). Anyhow, chin up, even though infertility sucks.
ICLW #134/135
Happy ICLW. Infertile Purgatory, ugh. :(
My hubby and I also began ttc in 07, feels like a million years ago. It is incredible how much your life stops being yours when your in this hell/purgatory huh? I hope that whatever path you choose next makes your dreams of children a reality, and quickly! ;) Oh, I'm with you on sugar or butter substitutes, ick.
ICLW #107
So sorry for all you've had to go through. I agree, 2007 does feel like forever ago. I hope your purgatory comes to an end soon.
Ugh! I'm sorry. We're in similiar positions in that we're not actively TTC. However, the last time we tried was almost 6 years ago. We live in a very rural area with no RE close. Also, we'd have no money to spend even if we did live close. I don't know how or when either of us will move foward. But good luck to you! Happy ICLW!
It is so hard to see just how much of our lives is robbed by IF. We started TTC in 2006, and it seems like eons ago. While we only had to try for a couple of years to get pregnant, we're right back at the starting line of TTC against the odds again.
I hope that your next step leads you to parenthood. I wish you all the best.
Hi, stopping by from ICLW and I wanted to leave you a hug. Not knowing where to go from here must feel awful and rally unsettling, but it won't last forever, soon you'll find your way forward and I'm keeping my fingers crossed it'll happen soon.
Love, Fran
We started trying back in '06 and it really does feel like a whole different era! I'm sorry you're on a not-entirely-of-your-choosing break right now, but hope you are able to take advantage of the time and find some peace and healing. We didn't mean to take a year off of TTC when we started pursuing adoption, but that's basically what happened and it really was a relief to be off the rollercoaster for just a little while. Good luck with your next steps, whatever you choose--these are not easy choices we have to wrestle with! And thanks so much for your comment on my blog :)
I am sorry you had to endure all of that. I wish you all the best in whatever direction you decide to go.
ICLW(70)
It can be so hard to make a decision. Welcome back to ICLW, this is my first....
Welcome back to ICLW! I'm so sorry for all your BFNs but I do hope this break allows for some peace & insight for the future. I just added your link on my blog!
Welcome back to ICLW it's great to see you're back. Losing weight is not a very easy task and I believe that when we can't have something we always want to have it, especially when you’re trying to shake of some weight
Good luck
~Stopping by for ICLW #126
Hi there - I'm sorry this has been a long & difficult road. I hope you and your husband can decide on the next plan of action soon.
Good luck with the weight loss! I'm sure many of us can relate. After I had to terminate our chemical pregnancy at Thanksgiving last year, I made it a mission to lose the weight I had gained. I'm 3 lbs away from that goal weight and it feels AWESOME. It took lots of work - joining Weight.Watchers and doing bikram yoga and it worked!!! I know you can do it too in whatever ways best help you!
(((hugs))) from ICLW
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