Trying to Hold On

Dr 3's office called me this weekend. I missed it, but my nurse coordinator called to say they'd like to have me do a few more blood tests.

More? REALLY?

Twenty-fucking-four vials didn't give them enough information already???

During my Genetic Counseling session, which Dr.3 requires before he will treat you, I mentioned that like 30 billion years ago there was some Jewish heritage in my family, (doesn't everyone, sort of?) so he wants to check me for some ridiculous gene mutations that I have never heard of (not tay sachs- already tested clear for that) They also want a blood test to see if I've ever had any kind of exposure to Tuberculosis.

Part of the reasons I'm annoyed with this is because my insurance declined to cover any of the blood work we've done so far. $3,800 dollars worth. My NP at the Obgyn's office who was trying to assist us in the insurance deception department, told me that I should call and ask that it be resubmitted. She also said she would provide a letter to them, if it'd help. All of which I plan on doing, despite my intense want to pretend none of this is even happening.

The other reason? I'm angry. And exhausted. From all of this. Sometimes I wish I didn't want a child so badly. Because my life outside of infertility is pretty great. And the parts that aren't, well, are more than enough for me to handle. I don't really need any more difficulties. REALLY UNIVERSE, YOU CAN BACK OFF NOW. MAILBOX FULL. OKAY?!

I had a dream last night, that a foster adoption we had applied for came through. (our next plan if IVF doesn't work). They placed a baby in my arms, and I instantly fell head over heels. Then I had to leave the a baby at home with Brian while I rushed out to by a car seat and clothes because we weren't at all prepared. But it was exciting. And wonderful. And I just want so very badly to be at that point all ready. I don't know how much longer I can do all this - I wish I could let it all go. The longing, the emptiness. I'm drowning in it.

I'll start BCP's in about a four weeks. And I'm excited, really. I'm honestly thrilled that we're finally going to have our first real shot at actually being pregnant - in a very long time. But I mostly just want to get it over with. To be done with this part of my life. To move on.

I'm sorry this post sounds like I'm down, which I guess in relation to IF, I am. But otherwise I'm pretty happy. Looking forward to Thanksgiving and the new Sweet Potato recipe I'm going to try out. And on that day, I'll give thanks to all of you - for every single ounce of support you've offered me. And pray with eveything I have that each of our journey's comes to a swift and blissful conclusion.

November ICLW!

Each time I participate in ICLW I try to come up with some new-fangled concept for and intro. And today is no different! With that, I give you: Contributing factors in an Infertility Bloggers Life; via Bullet Point. Autobiographical.

1. An outlet of some sort became necessary approximately six months after we officially started trying, and my lovely husband couldn't understand why I cried alone in the bathroom every 31 days.
2. At that point I was still fairly certain that I'd see a positive pee stick in the very near future and shortly thereafter commence writing a wildly self-indulgent, and more than likely whiny pregnant-lady-type-blog.
3. Lingering only slightly in denial, we didn't have any testing done until after 14 months of trying.
4. A week before Christmas, 2008 we found out we had Severe Male Factor, and were instructed to go directly to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.
5. Before even seeing an RE, we promptly decided not to have children at all.
6. That resolution only lasted about two weeks.
7. Fast forward to now, and we are gearing up for our very first IVF cycle in January/February, though I'll likely be starting BCP's towards the end of December.
8. In an effort to circumvent my crying over MUCH spilled milk, you can read about my sordid past here. It gets down to the nitty gritty of exactly what happened from the time we were diagnosed, to the beginning of what would be a break in TTC, and ART for pretty much all of 2010.
9. The new RE we're seeing (referred to here as Dr.3) ran an obscenely comprehensive blood panel on me and it came back positive for MTHFR (two mutations of the A1298C gene, with a borderline homosteine level), Elevated TH1, TH2 and Natural Killer Cells. Awesomeness. Oh, and also Ovulatory PCOS - different than Classic PCOS - cause ya know - I'm an over achiever... Okay, not really.
10. None of the aforementioned diagnoses were ever found by my previous RE(s) because they don't believe in Immunological Disorders. Or paying close attention to Antra Follicle counts evidently, because the OPCOS is as clear as day on a baseline u/s, and should have been determined easily based on the knowledge of my 30+ day cycle.
11. I'm over the misdiagnosis - CLEARLY.
12. I know you have 742 other blogs to read and comment on, so I'll keep it brief and end it here; welcome you to my blog and thank you in advance for your comment, then tell you I look forward to reading all of your blogs as well. Oh, and if you're going to be cycling with IVF close to when I am, be sure to say so in your comment - I'd love to stalk you and compare Lupron induced rants notes!

Losing My Way

Blehhhhhhhh.

I got the writers block, yo.

I think part of it is because I've been a little overwhelmed with having gone zero to sixty in such a short period of time. Which lead to me spending recent days reflecting on the last year or so of my life. And cripes has it been a doozy. Especially when I think about where I was this time last year. (Cuckoo cuckoo cahchoo, man.)

Seriously, my chest feels heavy just thinking about it.

So I'm sorry for not posting much here, or being super great about commenting. I guess reading some blogs here, no matter what stage you're in - has been overwhelming in a different way - and that way, is part of what Brian calls "you'll never win, so don't even try". Those of you in the early stages reminds me of when I was there and the fact that I'm not any further along. Those of you who are parents already - for obvious reasons. Those of you cycling; well this one is tricky because I'm jealous and I want to be at the end of a cycle already, and at the same time aloof, because damn, I'm beginning to worry that I'm not strong enough to do this. And I kind of wish it was September again - before baseline ultrasounds, crappy test results, and specifics on financials for IVF came in.

Gah.

I'm not even there yet and I'm feeling a bit disheartened. Le sigh.

Crap that Sucks, Part I

Methylenetetrahydrofolate, also known as MTHFR, and affectionately referred to as MoTHerFuckeR.

Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase is an enzyme that is involved with amino acid metabolism in the body.

A mutation in the gene that produces the enzyme can affect how a person’s body processes homocysteine, which is an amino acid found in blood. (There are several different types of mutations, but this is a blog post not a medical transcript so I’m not going to get into the variances between the different types. But my NP did say that if you have to have a mutation, mine is the one you want to have {two mutations of the A1298C, Homosteine level is 10.5; normal is below 10.4})

An elevated level of homocysteine increases the risk of blood clots, and typically decreases the body’s ability to metabolize Folic Acid and other B vitamins.

Common risks associated with blood clots are Cardio Vascular Disease, Coronary Heart Disease, and Stoke. In pregnancy: Recurrent fetal losses that can occur in any of the three trimesters, Placenta Abruption (when the placenta detaches from the uterine wall before delivery) Small Gestational Age (where the baby is smaller due to clots in the placenta which results in a lower supply of blood delivered to the baby) Preeclampsia (High Blood pressure, proteins in the urine)

It should also be noted that the decreased ability to metabolize Folic Acid and other B vitamins leaves your baby susceptible to Neural Tubal Defects (Spina Bifida, and a whole mess of other scary birth defects), Preeclampsia and Blood Clots.

So part of the reason that not all doctors test for this is because the link between the MTHFR and recurrent Miscarriage has not been conclusively proven, therefore has never been formally introduced as a risk factor that should be routinely tested for.

I wrote this post because doing the research was therapeutic for me. And unlike my ability to properly absorb Folic acid, having to decipher the data and regurgitate it forces me to really absorb the information, and now I might not kill myself. KIDDING. This shit instantly mattered a whole lot less when I got the NK Assay results back. I still have a lot more reading to do there.

Please, please, please, please, please do not hesitate to contact me if you see the slightest bit of misinformation in my statements above. You can also email me for my references.

Annnnd the last of it; Dr. 3’s preferred method of treatment:

• 2.2 mg of Folgard daily, which is a high dosage of Folic Acid, B6 and B12 (starting now, and pretty much for the rest of my life)
• A prescription strength prenatal vitamin (starting now)
• Low dose/ Baby Aspirin (81mg) (starting now)
• Heparin: Likely started just after my transfer, I will need to give myself two shots per day until I’m at least twelve weeks along, possibly longer - pending future blood tests and the actual occurrence of me being pregnant.
• Calcium: 500mg twice per day, because heparin can cause bone loss. (after I begin heparin)

I'd like to thank all of you for your incredibly thougthful comments, success stories, and information. I'm so grateful for all of you, and especially those who are active participants with the LFCA.