Dr 3's office called me this weekend. I missed it, but my nurse coordinator called to say they'd like to have me do a few more blood tests.
More? REALLY?
Twenty-fucking-four vials didn't give them enough information already???
During my Genetic Counseling session, which Dr.3 requires before he will treat you, I mentioned that like 30 billion years ago there was some Jewish heritage in my family, (doesn't everyone, sort of?) so he wants to check me for some ridiculous gene mutations that I have never heard of (not tay sachs- already tested clear for that) They also want a blood test to see if I've ever had any kind of exposure to Tuberculosis.
Part of the reasons I'm annoyed with this is because my insurance declined to cover any of the blood work we've done so far. $3,800 dollars worth. My NP at the Obgyn's office who was trying to assist us in the insurance deception department, told me that I should call and ask that it be resubmitted. She also said she would provide a letter to them, if it'd help. All of which I plan on doing, despite my intense want to pretend none of this is even happening.
The other reason? I'm angry. And exhausted. From all of this. Sometimes I wish I didn't want a child so badly. Because my life outside of infertility is pretty great. And the parts that aren't, well, are more than enough for me to handle. I don't really need any more difficulties. REALLY UNIVERSE, YOU CAN BACK OFF NOW. MAILBOX FULL. OKAY?!
I had a dream last night, that a foster adoption we had applied for came through. (our next plan if IVF doesn't work). They placed a baby in my arms, and I instantly fell head over heels. Then I had to leave the a baby at home with Brian while I rushed out to by a car seat and clothes because we weren't at all prepared. But it was exciting. And wonderful. And I just want so very badly to be at that point all ready. I don't know how much longer I can do all this - I wish I could let it all go. The longing, the emptiness. I'm drowning in it.
I'll start BCP's in about a four weeks. And I'm excited, really. I'm honestly thrilled that we're finally going to have our first real shot at actually being pregnant - in a very long time. But I mostly just want to get it over with. To be done with this part of my life. To move on.
I'm sorry this post sounds like I'm down, which I guess in relation to IF, I am. But otherwise I'm pretty happy. Looking forward to Thanksgiving and the new Sweet Potato recipe I'm going to try out. And on that day, I'll give thanks to all of you - for every single ounce of support you've offered me. And pray with eveything I have that each of our journey's comes to a swift and blissful conclusion.
25 comments:
Feel free to share the new sweet potato recipe! :)
I'm sorry that all of the testing is wearing you down. It is definitely exhausting. I'm excited for your IVF as well, and I also hope that your journey comes to a swift and blissful conclusion.
Happy Thanksgiving and Happy ICLW! :)
That sucks that you have to do more testing - unbelievable! At least you know they're being thorough!!!
And I'm excited for you for your IVF!!! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
My goodness that's a lot of blood work. I guess the only silver lining in having your blood drawn over and over and over again is that this doctor is definitely doing things differently than your old one and it sounds like he really wants to have all of the bases covered. I know it's physically and emotionally draining though.
Happy Thanksgiving, Melissa. Love you.
I cannot believe how much money you have spent just on the testing. I am so sorry, and that really sucks. It is so unfair that some women can simply be naked in the same room as their husbands and get pregnant. This reminds me of a post I've been meaning to write. Besides the IF woes, I am glad to hear you are happy. Here's wishing you a Thanksgiving next year that includes a new member(s) of your family!!
What kind of sweet potatoes are you making? I didn't realize you were interested in the fost-adopt route. We know several people who have done that, and while it can be difficult, it's also super awesome to be able to provide a loving family for kids who need it so desperately. But, I really hope you don't have to get there and this IVF is the one! You really have great chances with all the new things you're trying this time.
I'm sorry that the vampires are back wanting more :(. I can only hope, hope, hope that all this is preparation for a 1-shot, slam-dunk IVF! (My *wish* for you.)
I thought your dream was lovely. Kinda like a little subconscious reminder that it WILL happen for you somehow, someday. And I am hoping that someday is soon.
I'm glad you're getting excited about kicking off the cycle with your BCPs! Exciting stuff, indeed!
You have spent this last year waiting for this chance, and I so get the wanting to be over and move on. (I am seeing my own glimmer at the end of the tunnel and it is crazy exciting!! We had a great call with adoption agency today!)
I give thanks for you, too.
Enjoy that Sweet Potato and happy turkey day, lady! When we go around the table thinking of things we are grateful, please know how grateful I am for your support and friendship.
XO from your Monkey Sis.
I would be sooooo mad if they told me they had to take more blood.... I'm so sorry!
Thats alot of money for blood tests! I hope you can get at least some of it back. The TB blood test is actually quite a vital one so Im glad you will be doing that one.
Happy Thanksgiving!! Before you know it your IVF will be here!!
Good grief, more testing, certainly sounds like your RE is covering ALL the bases. Just breathe, like everyone keeps telling me. Take one day at a time (I need to take my own advice.) I know at some point both of us will be done with this F-ed up journey. We've been through hell and back and something at some point has got to go our way. Sending you lots of love. Call me whenever you have some free time would love to catch up.
That's ridiculous that they want more bloodwork done...and even more infuriating that the insurance won't cover it! GRRR!!
Hon - so sorry it has taken me SOOOOO long to comment. I read your post and I have been thinking of you.
I know that having more blood drawn means they are running every test possible (which is a good thing). But, I can understand how the financial implication of all of this testing before you have even started stimming can be very stressful for you and Brian. Holy smokes! In addition, after having gotten so many diagnosises from the original round of bloodwork, the idea of anything else being wrong is just overwhelming.
I also understand your want to just be into the IVF cycle. When you have wanted something for SO long, the wait to get started seems to take forever. I can promise you that once you start taking the BCPs, time will start to move a lot faster. Next thing you will know, it will be transfer day. And then time stops again while you wait for your beta.
Hang in there. You will make it!
Enjoy your sweet potato recipe (yummy!) and have a Happy Thanksgiving.
I will definitely be giving thanks for you this year!
Love you and I am here for you if you need me!
Awww, hon, it's so hard some days. I think your dream was amazing--a glimpse into a possibility for you and a glimpse into your beautiful spirit that knows you will love being a Mom no matter how you end up getting there.
Sweet potatos make everything better :)
Here from ICLW :) Those baby dreams always get me - its not like anything else I've experienced. It seems completely insane that they want more blood tests, but I'm all for REs that want to find out everything before getting started as opposed to losing pregnancy after pregnancy or not getting pregnant for many months before they're willing to look for abnormalities. Sending you prayers and sticky baby dust for your upcoming IVF.
Melissa, though you & I are at different places in the process, one portion of your post particularly resonated with me. I, like you, am ready to move on and be done with this part of my life!
I'm hoping with all my might that this 1st IVF cycle does the trick for you and that you will be moving on--with a baby on the way--very soon.
If you can't vent your feelings and frustrations here, then where can you? I hope that one way or another...in 2011 that dream comes true..Happy ICLW and I hoped you have a blessed Thanksgiving
I'm so sorry, Melissa. I can only say I understand how bad it is when the insurance refuses to pay and the bloodwork bills pile up. Don't give up on that front, though. Sometimes the hassle of phone call after phone call pays off.
I know how ready you are to be done with all this. I'm putting all my positive energy out for you so that the new year brings that extra happy bit to add to your life.
I'm here for you if you need anything. Please don't forget.
P.S. Do let us know how the sweet potato recipe went. I'm super curious to find out!
Your dream sounds pretty darn cool girlfriend. So pleased your subconscious was able to give you some hope there!!
As for the never ending blood tests, well I can understand how they get tiring after a while. You just want to get things moving and get on with the main event, aka IVF. 4 weeks and counting!
This whole infertility thing is such a ridiculous roller coaster ride on your body and emotions, so you have a right to be tired.
Best wishes as you start your IVF cycle!
Here for ICLW. You have every right to be frustrated with all the testing, the cost and the stress that comes with it. Hopefully it will all soon be a distant memory and you will be instead reveling in the BFP your IVF brings you!
I'm glad you're excited for the next phase...and laughing because I can always count on a cuss word or two from you in most posts :)
Melissa--I just want to give you a big hug. It sounds overwhelming and scary and exhaughsting. And the dream as happy as it was, just brings to the surface of just how badly you want to share in parenthood with Brian. The dream sounds like it felt so real and just so right. It pulls at the heartstrings. Some way, someday.
Hope your sweet potato recipe turned out well! I love, love sweet potatoes!!!
Hi Melissa G: Hope that you are feeling better and that your Thanksgiving celebration and sweet potato recipe turned out amazing! My husband and I can totally relate to your situation, and while is very stressful and annoying sometimes, you have to be there for each other, and have a strong support group of friends/family to rely on when you are feeling down. All the best wishes for your upcoming procedures.
Ok so I'm a little pissed because I wrote this really long response and I lost all of it!
The gist of it is that I love you and think you are amazing to have gone through all of this. I mean seriously, you have gone through more crap than most people go through in a life time. I can't wait for your IVF but I can understand why you are apprehensive about it and it's scary but it's also so exciting and I think you're right that once you "get it over with" you'll at least have some sort of conclusion. You'll know that you tried everything you could. Not that it will make everything rainbows and butterflies if for some reason it doesn't work (which I really truly think it will) but there will be some sort of resolve and you'll know how to proceed.
I can't believe you still have any blood left in you after all that they've taken. And I agree that it's ridiculous that they have to take so much. Can't they just recycle it for other tests? Obviously I'm not a doctor :)
Argh... so much frustration, but I'm happy and excited for your IVF!
What? More tests? What fer? I mean, seriously?
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