SuppleMENTAL

Since embarking upon on my weight loss journey I've found it decidedly convenient to have something else to obsess over whilst on our TTC/ART hiatus. Don't worry I'm not weighing out my portions of cereal or anything. The food part is surprisingly easy for me. It's actually more of the exercise part that I tend to be obsessive about. I'm working out between four and five days a week and it's really going well. But I fully admit that it takes A LOT of willpower to keep my ass off the couch and motivated to exercise so consistently. That part is not so easy.

So since I'm on this new health kick I have decided to subject Brian to a pretty hefty load of supplements to help his boys get a little more whip in their tails. To be one hundred percent honest, I have no idea if it is even going to work. It's a total Hail Mary, but it's a relatively easy thing that we can try to do to boost our chances for my hopelessly delusional miracle BFP aspiration a successful IVF cycle.

I initially got the "cocktail" from Dee who posted about how it helped her husband with severe MFI. (Dee btw, is currently pregnant with triplets (!) after her SEVENTH IVF) I then ran it passed my acupuncturist, who is a licensed herbalist. She approved and was able to order all the goods for me. So now Brian is chugging two different buffered powders in juices - twice per day- AND taking eleven pills a day on top of that.... (Thanks dear)

So for all I know thirty packs of Tic Tacs could yield the same results since we're still possibly dealing with a chromosomal issue, but you know what? This makes me feel like we're actually doing something. Like the twelve months we're taking off to save up for IVF won't be completely useless otherwise. And I'd hate to get to our first cycle and have it fail, then think to myself that I coulda/woulda/shoulda put him on those damn Tic Tacs, and that maybe just maybe we would have had a different outcome. You know how that goes...

So anyway, I'm assuming the RE we're going to meet with in October is going to order another S/A. And I'll commence hoping with all my might that we do infact see a difference - I'm not expecting a perfect score, but just a little something for his efforts would be nice. This appointment afterall will be over 120 days after Brian started this regimen, and from the various reports I've read sperm mature at 70 - 90 days past production, so it should be just in time. Annnnd I guess that's all I have to say about Brian's sperm.

For now.

Wish us luck!

Rightside Up

Dude. You guys are awesome. Thank you so much for cheering me on and offering your not-so-unsolicited support. It was pretty fun to feel the excitement in some of your comments. And a little overwhelming because it made me realize that I was excited too.

I am excited. And hopeful. And almost even giddy when I think about how we're going to get to move forward soon. I'm so grateful to be in such a good place right now that it makes me wonder where I'd be had we not been forced to take a break. I've almost forgotten what it was like to cry on a daily basis, or feel slighted by a complete stranger at the grocery store just because they're pregnant. And things are going really, REALLY well with Brian and I, and I've truly cherished every second since I've stopped wanting to punch him in the face (Not entirely his fault, of course). I'm not saying by any means that the feelings about infertility ever went away, I'm just saying that they were much more manageable... Anyway, I'm not going to sit here and preach about taking a break, because really - who in their everlovin' right mind would want to extend their stay in this horrendous land of limbo? I initially planned to forge ahead, not stopping for anyone or anything until I saw that second line, so I know how it sounds when someone tells you that you need to take a break. (Maybe that's where the whole wanting to punch Brian in the face thing started) I'll just say that a break isn't anything you should be afraid of. (btw, I've been relaxed for four whole months and I'm still not pregnant - can you believe that advice doesn't work after all?!?)

So I guess my new found Zen is part of what made me hesitant to announce anything official here about us doing IVF next year. I was afraid that admitting it in my bloggy life might fling me back into the world of emphatically monitoring my cycle days and cervical mucus. And the next thing you know I'm drinking cough syrup with a straw and screaming in the bathroom at work at a used OPK to give me a more definitive line. For realsies.

Okay here's part of the plan. We're going to interview with one more RE. He used to be a part of my old clinic but opened a practice of his own a while back. He deals strictly with IVF, and has built a very reputable on site lab. The other great thing about this clinic is that he offers a shared risk program, and if we qualify we could be eligible to receive 90% of the fee's back if our first fresh IVF cycle, and subsequent FET's don't end up with a viable pregnancy. In which case we would most certainly put that 90% towards another cycle. He will be giving a seminar at a local Hotel the last week of September, and my plan is to schedule an appointment with him for the week after while I'm signing up for the Seminar. Which in reality is only a little over three months away!

So I'm down almost 15 pounds - yehaw! It's exciting because there are a bunch of clothes in my closet that fit now, so I get to wear somewhat new clothes without having spent a dime. Ahhh the fat girl's consolation... A varied wardrobe to accommodate any pant size. So according to my original plan I only have about 11 more pounds to go. HOWEVER, the clinic we're going to go to really stresses the research they've done between the correlation of BFP's and BMI's. So I'm probably going to need to loose another 10 pounds on top of my original goal. Equaling another 21 pounds total that I need to loose... Fortunately time is on my side -for once. So I might just be able to get all the weight off by the seminar. I'm not going to kill myself doing it, it's just a goal.

Anyhoo, thank you again for all of your support and encouragement. I'm truly grateful with all of my heart.

Go Big or Go Home

While I haven't exactly aired all of our dirty laundry, I take pride in being pretty honest and forthright here about everything going on in our lives regarding IF. But there's something I've been holding back on and I can't really discern why. What I'm about to tell you, is to me, less of an arcane matter than choosing to come out about doing Donor IUI's. But reflecting on it now, it wasn't about telling you as much as it is putting it in writing that made it seem so irrevocable and REAL. As if admitting it here would mean anything other than what it does when I speak the actual words; which I have.

So here it goes: We're definitely doing IVF next year.

I realize in this community my announcement is common place, so you're all probably feeling a little let down that I'm not declaring my race for Governor or launching my own reality TV series. But it feels like a really fucking big deal. While I am (of course) a huge advocate of IVF, I honestly never thought we would need it. From the time we were diagnosed to the time where we decided to do dIUI's, I just never thought IVF would be a part of our plan. I thought I would get pregnant with every one of our six dIUI's. Just like I thought we'd get pregnant right away when I went off Birth Control THREE years ago this month.

I also realize that my news isn't a total surprise since I've yammered on and on about possibly doing dIUI's w/ injectables or IVF hopefully using Brian's sperm, or adoption. But as of about March we pretty much decided we would definitely do IVF. (Though I think adoption will always remain on the table) We still have long road ahead of us. There's going to be some serious embezzling, and bank robberies juggling with finances on our part to try to make this happen. And we won't be able to move forward for at least six more months. But I really think we'll manage.

We're hoping to get started in January, no later than February. There are a few other goals included in this six month timeline, but I'll post about them later. For now I just wanted to get this off my chest and tell you that I feel incredibly lucky to know so many of you who've gone through this. So I'll be aware of some of the situations and/or complications that may arise during our cycle. And to have such a vast community of strength and knowledge I can fall back on feels absolutely amazing, so I'm going to thank all you IVF Vets in advance for putting up with the incessant questioning that is to come. First thing on the list:

Is it 2011 yet?