Home Sweet Home

Well? What do you think?

I personally love it. There are still a few kinks I am trying to work out. Like adding and editing the tabs above. If anyone has any tips for how to do that I would be FOREVER grateful. I looked up this question in the forums, and tried to contact the creator of this template but she hasn't responded yet... Sorry I know this is boring if you've never had to deal with it. So on to the matters at hand...

I'm on my third day of Letrozole, so far not a single side effect to report. I am a little concerned that prolonged use may create cysts and what not. It's actually a little scary for me to be on these meds. I was really hoping that I could get by with natural cycles, but my impatience took over and here I am. I was hoping to create a tab for a break down on my current cycle, but like I said, I'm still trying to figure that out. So here it is:

• I am currently on CD 5, horray AF is almost gone.
• I will be taking Letrozole until CD7 which is Thursday, October 1st.
• On Saturday, October 3rd I will start doing OPK's to make sure I don't ovulate before my ultrasound.
• Tuesday, October 6th I will go in for an ultrasound to monitor the growth of my follicles, hopefully I will have at least two, and no more than three. At that time they will determine when I will need to trigger ovulation. I'll be using Ovidrel for that.
• Then I will go in for my IUI about 36 hours after that. I'm guess October 8th or 9th.
• And after that I will start up on my progesterone, Prometrium suppositories, and count down until my BFP. We won't be doing a beta. I just need to call them WHEN I get a positive test.

God I hope my optimism doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

Thanks for coming to my new home!

Nope.

If I had published this morning when AF showed, this would be a very different post.

I was furious. I was defeated. I was crushed. Again. I wanted to yell at someone. I wanted to scream at Dr. Rawks because he told me I'd be pregnant by now, and I believed him. You're young. Your lining looks great. Your periods are regular. Natural cycles will be just fine. I'm taking all my supplements, and doing acupuncture. My blood tests are flawless. Our timing has been perfect. I'M DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT PREGNANT YET?!?!

But it was a different story when the good doctor called me back. He sounded genuinely disappointed. He understood my frustration. He thinks we should move forward with meds too. Unfortunately we can't do injectables just yet. We need to take a class to learn how to administer them, and I'd have to start on the medication tomorrow. So he's putting me on Letrozole, which is like clomid but supposedly has less side effects. I'll have an ultrasound on October 6th, to check the progress and see how many follicles look ready. If they seem large enough I may not need to use Ovidrel to trigger. In addition I will start OPK's on October 4th, just in case. He said it's possible that they could get large enough for me to ovulate on my own. But to plan on using Ovidrel. Then I'll go in for a single IUI. And finish off this cycle with Prometrium suppositories. Fun.

So now instead of fury, I at least feel content with our new plan. And I feel even better knowing I'll get to hang out with an amazing group of ladies from the IF community tonight. I was lucky enough to have lunch with the lovely, hilarious and talented Meg. a few weeks ago. And I'm grateful that she's invited me out to spend a little quality time with some other women who know what it's like. I could really use that tonight. Thank you so much Meg. See you soon.

Any Day Now

I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Because these waits are getting old. And I'm finding myself getting less and less caught up in the hoopla of whether or not this was my month. I just want to know either way so I can get on with my life... (Jaded much?)

I am 12dpo today. I am expecting AF within the next few days. Because I ovulated so early its really hard to pin point a day. But I would guess tomorrow or Saturday. I am feeling a few symptoms but whether they are PMS or pregnancy related, I don't know. None of them are new, or severe enough to really get my attention. And to be quite honest I really don't even want to speculate on them. I wish I felt more hopeful, but I just can't seem to muster an ounce of enthusiasm. I think I'm having such a hard time because I never thought it would take more than three cycles.

I promise I'll let you know as soon as I know anything. I also want to send out a BIG thank you for the support I've received from all of you this cycle. I'm sorry I've been so glum about the whole thing. I know how lucky I am to be cycling at all. HUGS.

Hello!

Welcome ICLWer's! Every month I am amazed that time has gone by so quickly since the last get-together... Well, I'm sure you have a lot of blog reading to do so here's the low down: My husband and I were diagnosed with Severe Male Factor, due to a Chromosomal Abnormality. After MUCH deliberation we decided to create our family through donor sperm rather than IVF w/ ICSI. I am currently 9dpo after our third attempt. So far they have all been unmedicated, and back to back IUI's. Which means we are using two vials of ds per cycle and it's getting pretty pricey so I'd like to get this show on the road already! I just use OPK's to monitor, and I've felt like our timing is pretty good. But seeings as we are more than two years into this process, to say that I am feeling a little impatient would be a tremendous understatement. If it doesn't happen this month I will definitely be moving on to medications. Clomid? Injectables??? I will obviously be having this discussion with my RE, but do you have any advice as to what I might push for? If not maybe just cross your fingers and hope that the third time is the charm for us, won't you?

I look forward to "meeting" all of you!

Well That Didn't Last Very Long...

I think I used up all my happy in that last post. That brief burst of jabbering about lucky numbers and signs was evidently the bottom of the barrel for me. Although it's seemingly more obvious now that I've reread all that four leaf clover, unicorn shit...

And I've got another confession to make. I spend more time online with the IF blogging community than I think I ought to. I say that because my social life is pretty much non existent these days. Let me first say that I have always been a homebody. I always enjoyed an intimate setting rather than a vibrant one. But it's gotten to the point where I'm leaning on you all a lot. Brian is a little concerned. He says it's all I ever talk about. He thinks my hopelessness is hindering our conception viability. He doesn't understand why I don't make much of an effort to hang out with our pregnant friends. He doesn't get why I would feel jealousy or resentment towards people we love just because they have something we don't. I wish I could help him understand. I wish he could see the guilt that comes with feeling this way. I wish he knew that I feel like it's my fault that we've lost two sets of friends, because I'm not strong enough to hide my baggage and pretend everything is okay while my girlfriends rub their swollen bellies and debate over strollers and daycare. Please don't misunderstand, Brian is a wonderful husband and for the most part very supportive. But the last few weeks have been particularly hard on us. He thinks I'm obsessed, I think he's insensitive, and the next thing you know we're fighting over dinner at California Pizza Kitchen.

We can't be the only ones who've hit these lows. Until recently I could honestly say that the challenges we've dealt with have truly made our marriage a lot stronger. I guess I need to start working harder on that. It's not fair that I have become so consumed with my feelings. Above all my marriage comes first. I hate that I've let this overtake me. But it is so difficult to ignore.

Usually around now, 6dpo, I would be feeling anxious about being that much closer to knowing our fate. But all that comes to mind is what our next protocol will be once this cycle is done... Case in point: As of today we are the proud owners of four new vials of donor sperm. I called yesterday just to check the inventory of our specific donor. Turns out it was all gone. His next batch of vials won't be released from quarantine until January. Each sample is tested for STD's, HIV and AIDS then remains in quarantine for about six months until all tests are conclusive and verified negative. When I originally ordered our first six vials in June, there were well over 25 samples in stock. Guess we have good taste. The woman I was speaking with was very kind, but I got a little upset and asked if there was some kind of waiting list I could apply for. She asked me to hold, and came back with great news. She said she was able to pull from a special inventory because I had already purchased from this donor. The most we could get was four vials, still much more than we could afford, but I had to make the decision right way because she said she wouldn't be able to guarantee they would be available next week. And if this cycle doesn't work we would be in the position of having to pick a new donor. She also told me that our donor has another pregnancy reported, so that's encouraging. At least someone is getting lucky.

As of right now I can tell you that if this cycle doesn't work I am definitely going to ask for Clomid or injectables. I can't fucking take this anymore. Bring on the drugs!

My New Lucky Number ?

Thirteen. 13. That's right. I know I babbled about the third time being the charm and all that. I still believe that too, but now I hoping that an affiliation with the number thirteen might do it. Now some view 13 as unlucky, but I personally associate it with a bakers dozen. And how could one extra Chocolate Old Fashion possibly be a bad thing??? I know it's silly to heave my faith on to a superstition, but honestly? It's all I've got. I'm hoping the multiple encounters I've had with this number in the last week might actually be fortuitous for us. It all started when Ms. B (my acupuncturist) said she thought the fact that I ovulated on CD13 was a "lucky coincidence". At first I rolled my eyes and blew it off thinking she was just trying to appease me while I was flipping out because I ovulated so early. But then the next day when we pulled up outside the clinic for our second IUI, it occurred to me that the date was Sunday, September 13th. I giggled to myself as we were getting out of the car. Then I saw this:

Fast forward a few days and I'd tell you that for the most part this cycle has really been at the back of my mind. My positive OPK came and went so fast, I barely had time to obsess over it. I only used two OPK tests. Unlike last cycle, where I blew through what seemed like a gross of CBE's. It's really been a blessing. Anyway, I hadn't thought about it again until I was on my way to work this morning and I realized we are on our 26th cycle. And what's half of 26? Yep, 13. ALRIGHT, I know that's a stretch. I know that these numbers will not dictate a pregnancy. But I am hoping against all hope that this is finally it. So if a lucky number is going to help me feel a little more hopeful I am going to stick with it. (Read:Delusional)

Okay, enough of my crazy talk... I'd like to put out a little warning about Orvidrel. A fellow blogger L from There's a Baby At the End, just had an IVF cycle ruined due to a defective vial. Her clinic was not able to retrieve any eggs because the trigger didn't work. L lists the pharmaceutical company and the Lot Number on her vials. If you have Orvidrel in your fridge, please stop by her blog to see if you have the same batch and save yourself some heartache. Or go by when you can to give her some support. Thanks folks.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr Anyone?

I've been on kind of a rage bender since CD1. The slightest of things set me off. Here is a completely unwarranted rant, all IF related mind you -via bullet point.

• My boobs are killing me. I hate that they start getting sore the day after I ovulate. Two whole weeks of sore boobs. That's 26weeks a year!!! Not only is it uncomfortable but it means I'm in my tww. Which only induces insanity and helps to notify me of impending heartache.
• Even though we ended up getting the timing right, I don't have a great feeling about this cycle... The timing was right on my last two cycles and look where that got us. AND, we had the lowest motile count we've had in the last two cycles. Only 39 Million total for both IUI's.
• I FUCKING hate Facebook. If its not a belly pic, it's finding out I wasn't invited to a Shower. Remember my "friend", who avoided me for four months then called me to tell me she was 19 weeks along? Well, it turns out she had a baby shower two weeks ago, that I wasn't invited to. I don't know that I would have gone - but it still would have been nice too have been given the choice. To be acknowledged, included. I was one of her bridesmaids for christsakes.
• The Mall sucks my ass. I was totally preoccupied this weekend and mistakenly ended up going there ON A SUNDAY. It's like a fucking Stroller Derby, and most of the "parents" leave their common sense, and courtesy in their fucking car.
• I hate knowing what pregnancy symptoms are. The last two dIUI cycles I was completely convinced I was pregnant. My symptoms were all over the place, and I just knew this had to be it. BUT NO. Here I am starting all over again. And I'm fucking getting pretty tired of it.
• Rage. I am tired of being angry, or sad. I just want to feel normal again. I want our old life back. I feel so worn out. How much longer do we have to endure this???

Fuck.

A Reprieve

Sorry it's taken so long to update. We were at the clinic long enough to have lunch and for me to read up to the part where Clare and Henry go to the Violent Femmes concert in, The Time Travelers Wife. Everybody can take a big deep breath. The ultrasound revealed one ginormous 23mm follicle. On my left side, thank you very much. WHEW! Hey, if you've never considered the actual size of a mature follicle, 25.4 mm is an inch. AN INCH. No fucking wonder I'm so uncomfortable before I ovulate. Man does that give me a new found respect for all you IVF ladies. Not that I didn't have any before, I just have a better frame of reference now. How do you all do it with multiple mature follies on each side?! I have ONE and I can feel it when I walk. Gah!

So, crisis averted. The doctor said my lining was beautiful, at a little over 9mm. He recommended going forward with the back to backs. So I'll go back in tomorrow morning for number IUI two. We had a count of 24 million motile swimmers today. Not too shabby. I called my acu lady Ms. B. She is going to make a special exception tomorrow, and open her office just for moi. That's a relief too!

Thank you all so very much for your comments and support. Sorry I was so dramatic, and that my grammar was so horrendous (with the: I'm like, and you're like, and we're all and I'm all), and that my cursing was so... profuse. But if you've read my blog before, you'd know I'm sort of a truck driver anyway.

Okay. I feel better. Holy moly, I'm exhausted. I had myself pretty wound up there. Oh crap, poor Brian. That must have been a hoot for him. Yay infertility.

Are You F'ing kidding me?!!!!!!!!!!

I got a positive OPK this morning..... THREEFUCKINGDAYSEARLY!!!!!!!!WHAT THE FUCK????!!!

I thought about testing yesterday, which was CD12 for me, but I was all NAH, should be fine- I'll just start tomorrow. So Last night around 10pm I started to feel the heaviness in my abdomen than I normally feel before I ovulate, but it was on my left side. Normally I only feel it on my right. But I brushed it off. I was like NAH it must be gas or something... So this morning I still had that heaviness and I though you know - I better test just in case. And BOOM a fucking positive Internet cheapie. And I was like NO FUCKING WAY!!!! So I managed to pee just a tiny bit more and used a CBE. Sure as shit, that little smiley is staring right back at me. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY BODY???!!! I was four days late last month, now this?????

So you might be wondering why I'm freaking out so much. It's just a positive OPK,you say. Your clinic is open on the weekends at your service, you say. Well normally this heaviness that I'm feeling? I get the day AFTER my positive OPK. Say I get a positive in the afternoon on say Wednesday. Thursday morning I would go in for mu IUI, then THURSDAY night I would feel the Ovulation pains, and Friday morning go back in for another IUI. SO I'm thinking I'm a day behind!!!! Dr. RAWKS told me that the pain normally preceeds the actual ovulation. So seriously. I'm thinking I'm a day behind. FUCK!!!!

I just heard back from my IUI nurse, I told her the whole situation and she agrees with me that our timing may be off. FUCK. She said they will need to do an ultrasound and if they don't find a follicle then it might be too late, and we might have to skip this cycle. FUCK!!!!

A Little Bellyaching

My Google Reader is getting heavy. She is packed to the brim with updates that measure Weeks and days. My blog roll is beginning to get a little lopsided as well. This revelation makes me both happy and sad. Happy because so many of my IF sisters dreams have finally come true. Then sad, because I'm still sitting on the sidelines. Please don't get me wrong. I am thrilled for the many, and MUCH deserved pregnancies. I'm just feeling a little left behind, which is really another way to say I'm feeling sorry for myself...

It's getting harder to imagine a BFP. It just feels really far away. I used to picture myself in the early morning hours rubbing the sleep and groggy blur out of my eyes, only to fill them again suddenly with tears of joy at the mere sight of my second line. I don't do that anymore. I've stopped imagining how the day will be. And how I'll tell Brian. It seems so foreign now. I realize I must sound unreasonably glum considering I'm only on my third cycle. But it's my blog and I can whine if I want to.

Anyway, today is CD11. I'll start doing my OPK's on Saturday. As long as my cycle behaves this month, I should go in for my next series of IUI's on Monday and Tuesday.

Hey, while I'm on a whining spree, can I just say how fucking tired I am of peeing in Dixie cups?! I never though it would be possible to despise a paper cup, but every time I lay my eyes on the enormous stack in my bathroom cabinet I literally groan out loud, like they're the equivalent of an impending root canal...

A Legacy

I cannot believe it's September. Three months ago I assumed I would be welcoming this month with open arms and a decaf Pumpkin Spice Latte. Instead my heart aches for this summers swift passing. This is the third fall I have welcomed with nothing but failed cycles behind me and the end of another year ticking away like a metronome.

I love Fall. September 1st has always been important to me, something I looked forward to. But it is especially bittersweet now that we're involved in assisted cycles, and still have nothing to show for it. I feel like this year is slipping away and our chance for a 2010 baby is going with it...

Of course I'm still hopeful in the orthodox ways. I wouldn't be doing these IUI's and acupuncture if I didn't think they would work. I just feel like it's getting harder and harder to picture our life with a baby in it. Sometimes because it's just too painful to think about, and other times I'm sort of afraid to jinx it. How sad is that? Am I really at the point where I think day dreaming might actually destroy our chance at conceiving? My superstitions, much like my optimism, have become alarmingly erratic. Oh well.

On to good thoughts. And good things. Good things that spoil my diet.

This is my Grandmother. Every September we get together to bake apple pies. Everyone has a favorite dish cooked by a family member, and in mine, it's Grandma's apple pie. My affinity for her not-so-precise recipe runs so deeply that I won't even order apple pie at restaurants. They just never taste right.

Cooking is a huge part of the connection I share with my family. We usually plan out a menu before we even have an event to prepare it for. I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday. My Grandmother is one of the most amazing women I have ever known. She is the epitome of a matriarch. Gracious and kind, but stern when it's called for. Warm, welcoming, and always there when you're in a bind. She's 84 and will totally kick your ass at Croquette. She and my grandfather helped my dad raise my brother and I. We grew up three blocks away and spent every day after school with them until High School. We're with them every holiday, and every special occasion. They have made me into the woman I am today, and this month the family will help them celebrate their 64th wedding anniversary.

Behold, the finished product. How do you make an apple pie pretentious? Monogram it.

Out of My Hands

Raise your hand if you've been lapped by The Duggars more than once. You have GOT to be fucking kidding me.

Anyway, back to me and my bad attitude. Boo to round two!!! Third time better fucking be the charm, is all I'm sayin'. So contrary to the sad, sad picture I posted of Parker, I'm actually pretty pissed off. But the kind of pissed off that builds into sheer drive. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing I suppose, all of our laundry is done. Brian should be thrilled about that. But what do I do with this extra motivation? If motivation were enough to get me pregnant I'd be keeping pace with the Duggar's by now. The reality is I don't have any control of the outcome of my next IUI.

The moment I found out it didn't work I decided to create a new plan. I'm going to loose some weight! I proclaimed. I'll skip this cycle and shed what I can in the next six weeks! After I posted the results of my Big FAT Failure 2.0, I got a phone call from Teresa to see how I was doing. I told her I was frustrated, but that I had devised a plan. This is where she eloquently and ever-so-gently pointed out that, my "new plan" was actually my "new way of coping". I was trying to take control of something in this situation.

I had my first acupuncture appointment this morning since CD1. Ms. B looked at me with empathy and said, "Well you didn't expect to be one of those lucky bitches who gets it on the first try, did you?" I quickly reminded her that this was my second try and she succinctly blurted out "THIRD TIMES THE CHARM!" with a smile and patted the table. She'd better be right. Ms. B told me it couldn't hurt to loose a few pounds, but that my specific weight will not prevent me from getting pregnant. I don't need to skip a cycle to watch my diet, but nothing drastic. No crash diets, no death defying workout plans. I realize she is not my RE, but I still trust her opinion. So she plans to be a little more aggressive with this next cycle. I don't actually know how much more aggressive you can really be with acupuncture, but again... I trust her opinion. I'll begin a new vitamin and herbal suppliment regimen. She also doesn't think I should try a cycle with clomid, or injectables just yet. She says my body is doing the work, we're just waiting for the fireworks to happen.

Dr. RAWKS did tell us it would take up to six tries (gulp). I'm just so tired of waiting. I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE. I've waited long enough! Haven't we all? I don't want to skip a cycle, and neither does Brian. We're going to move ahead this month. We won't be changing up the protocol much. My body is doing what it is supposed to. Now if only that fucking egg and sperm will do what it's supposed to!!!

On that note. Here is a picture that better represents Parker.

Our Monkey-dog in all of his cantankerous splendor.