I've been on kind of a rage bender since CD1. The slightest of things set me off. Here is a completely unwarranted rant, all IF related mind you -via bullet point.
- My boobs are killing me. I hate that they start getting sore the day after I ovulate. Two whole weeks of sore boobs. That's 26weeks a year!!! Not only is it uncomfortable but it means I'm in my tww. Which only induces insanity and helps to notify me of impending heartache.
- Even though we ended up getting the timing right, I don't have a great feeling about this cycle... The timing was right on my last two cycles and look where that got us. AND, we had the lowest motile count we've had in the last two cycles. Only 39 Million total for both IUI's.
- I FUCKING hate Facebook. If its not a belly pic, it's finding out I wasn't invited to a Shower. Remember my "friend", who avoided me for four months then called me to tell me she was 19 weeks along? Well, it turns out she had a baby shower two weeks ago, that I wasn't invited to. I don't know that I would have gone - but it still would have been nice too have been given the choice. To be acknowledged, included. I was one of her bridesmaids for christsakes.
- The Mall sucks my ass. I was totally preoccupied this weekend and mistakenly ended up going there ON A SUNDAY. It's like a fucking Stroller Derby, and most of the "parents" leave their common sense, and courtesy in their fucking car.
- I hate knowing what pregnancy symptoms are. The last two dIUI cycles I was completely convinced I was pregnant. My symptoms were all over the place, and I just knew this had to be it. BUT NO. Here I am starting all over again. And I'm fucking getting pretty tired of it.
- Rage. I am tired of being angry, or sad. I just want to feel normal again. I want our old life back. I feel so worn out. How much longer do we have to endure this???
Fuck.
17 comments:
I feel ya!! It sucks that we have to go through these horrible ups and downs. I hope this rollercoaster ends soon for you.
Your last sentence really hits me. I too am sick of all this bullcrap.
I am sorry. :( I'm sorry I contributed to your facebook hatred today too. I did see that you "liked" the belly pics, and I snorted. I thought: if Melissa truly likes seeing that from her then it must have also snowed today in San Fran. Because both are about as likely as the other to be true.
You are totally entitled to be on a rage bender as much as you want. Just don't take it out on Parker. Well... or try to take it out on your husband... very often.
Love you and hang in there.
You totally did not contribute to my facebook rage. I actually wrote that post at like 2 in the afternoon, but I didn't publish it until I got home at 6 tonight. I SWEAR!!!!!
You're so crazy... iF sisters do NOT apply to this post!!!!!
Oy!
I love that you use the term "sucks my ass" to describe the mall. I have used this EXACT term to describe the mall in the past (did you go to Hillsdale?).
And yeah, Facebook can eff off and die for all I care (wanna be Facebook friends? I promise I won't ever post a belly pic).
I'm so sorry that you were left out of your friend's shower. That really, really blows. It's like, "Thanks! As if IF hasn't already made me feel incredibly isolated and different! You definitely stepped it up a notch!"
I'll still hold out hope for you this cycle, in case you find yourself too enraged to do the same. *hugs*
Oh and as for the "liking" a belly pic, you are on the right track. That is my good friend's wife who got pregnant on their first try. They're the ones who carefully sent me the email telling me their news. Well she recently IM'ed me with a bunch of news about the fact that they are having a girl... It was the day after my 2nd BFN, and I sort of went off on her. They obviously know about our situation. I basically told her that it was incredibly difficult to hear about her pregnancy milestones. It upset her a lot. I feel bad. So that was my lame attempt at
making peace with her.
Love you too btw!
Awww..I'm with you on FB being crap. Maybe you should try a trial separation like mine (I opted out of the full-on divorce). It's been pretty great!
I have a friend who is 30 weeks pregnant and she has altogether stopped asking me about what's going on with me. I think she probably doesn't want to get herself down when she has so much to celebrate. Pretty rad, huh? Yeah. Love it.
At least you have us...we know the boat you're in, and we're here no matter what.
Love the rant. I hear you on all of them..although i have no boob pain, even when I have been briefly pregnant! So lucky me, ha! TWW is the WORST. Hope you can muster up whatever strength and hope that you have.
Thanks for following and commenting on my blog. Yes - I'm local and might like to meet up sometime soon. I'm working my way up to being more open about things so I may need another month. But, it think it'd be really helpful. I noticed you are hockey fans....my hubby is for Minnesota so I'm becoming a fan.
I"ll email you before too long...GOOD LUCK!
((HUGS))
What?! You were not invited to your friend's shower??? And you were one of her bridesmaids?! That is beyond tacky. I'm really sorry that people suck.
I've come to find that people, facebook and IF can all bite me just in the last few weeks.
Those parents with the strollers piss me off. Especially when they run their strollers right into me. Hello Fuck Face, I'm right here!
Normalcy. Hoping you venture back there soon.
You know...this is the part where I'm supposed to say something encouraging and supportive. But mostly I think, "did I write this?" I think you're awesome. And I'm still hoping this one takes (for both of us!)
Fuck. Indeed. I think I am at the same place you are. Rage and despair and exhaustion of those feelings. Sending you a giant bear hug.
Fuck, Shit, Suck Balls. Awwwwww, that felt better. I totally needed that. I'm in complete agreement with everything. Yeah, my so-called PG friend, didn't invite me to her babyshower either, she just posted the pics on her Facebook page. And stupid me gave her a baby gift before I found out about the shower. Ugh, why do I even bother.
How incredible low of your "friend" to not even send you an invite to her shower. I don't even know what to say to that other than she sucks ass along with the mall which I totally agree with. Is it bad that pregnant women still annoy the crap out of me even though I'm one of them? haha. Anyway I always had the same pms symptoms. Sore boobs from ovulation on.. then came the obsessive boob grabbing for the next 2 weeks and constantly analyzing "are they sorer?" "are they getting less sore?" It's torture. As for FB, I just stopped looking at everyones updates and would only go on there if someone commented on something.
UGH! Facebook is the bane of my existance. I have also found myself being left out of certain things. And I always avoid the mall. Not only is it a stroller derby at the mall, but it is a stroller derby full of 15-16 yr old 'parents'. I just can't stand that shit.
I have been in your exact same shoes over and over again. I am so sorry that this all piles on at the same time and usually the worst times.
I understand the sore BBs for 2 - 3 weeks. I was just like you - sore right after I O'd up until AF pretty much was gone. Man it is miserable!!
I am in awe that your friend didn't even invite you to her shower. At least give you the option to attend or not. People who haven't struggled to get pregnant do not understand that isolating us doesn't protect us from the pain, but make it feel more lonely and more painful.
I am praying for you this cycle.
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