Strong Enough

We're supposed to visit some good friends this afternoon. Their baby girl is a week old today. In anticipation of her birth I bought a gift about a month ago. So that I wouldn't have to handle shopping for the gift, and enduring a visit in the same period of time. It would just be too hard. I bought her some Sharks onesies. Something I had anticipated buying for ourselves for a very, very long time. Her daddy is a big Sharks fan, and I knew how much he would appreciate it. But since the day that I got them I've wanted to return them. It feels like a purchase I should have waited to make until it was finally our turn. Like somehow buying those clothes for someone else was a resignation or an abandonment of a dream. If I decide to get them something else, I will donate the Sharks stuff.

I can't keep it here.

We're struggling with the impending visit, and at this moment debating whether it is something we can withstand at all. And it makes me feel like an awful friend. It makes me feel weaker than I know I am, and also selfish.

But today isn't just Sunday, the day we're supposed to meet our friend's new baby. It's also my second Blogiversary. And I find that I'm feeling very conflicted about it. On one hand I can't imagine my life without all of you in it. The friendships I've made here are deeply cherished and more than I ever anticipated; imperative to my well being. I'm grateful for the history it has recorded. It's a constant reminder of how amazing my husband is. I truly believe that Brian is my soul mate, and he's made me a better person in every way possible. And as horrendous as infertility is, it's made us infinitely stronger.

While I continue to feel appreciative for all those things, today I can't help but regard this place as a potent relic filled with anguish, and despair, and failure. Sometimes the thought of how much I've shared here is overwhelming, and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. And all at once sorrow when I realize how much time has actually gone by.

I don't quite know how else to say it. Today is flooded with disappointment. Disappointment that another year has gone by and we still have an empty spare bedroom. And disappointment from letting a friend down. If we don't show, I'm sure they'll forgive us, but I know this is a day I will never forget.

Happy Time: O-V-E-R

I've been away from Fac.ebook for several months now, I'm sure you can all figure out why. Only popping in to accept a friend request or return a message. Until last week when I peeked with one eye open at my home page to see what some friends where up to. I was pleasantly surprised to see only the mundane mentionings of the coming weekend, and a picture of a new tattoo.

Then silly me, thinking that the water would be safe, I stuck a toe in this morning only to be greeted by TWO pregnancy announcements!!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?! I swear that place isn't going to be safe for me until I'm in menopause... And who knows if even then I'll be okay with it... Who can say how long IF will really stay with you. As of right now I can honestly say that I feel as though I am forever changed. I don't really think that pregnancy announcements will always sting as much as they do now, but I wonder how they will feel ten years from now, or even five. Will I still feel resentment for those who get pregnant easily?

And I have a confession to make... Lately I've started to feel a sting from announcements within the IF community... But it's not resentment. Those pregnancies, were hard won and I'm proud of the ladies who fought and finally won their battle. It's just that their happy news reminds me of what I'm still missing... And the longer I find myself sitting on the sidelines, the harder it is to keep sincerely cheering everyone else on. Ugh, I really hate admitting that, and I'm truly sorry if it hurts any ones feelings - that is most certainly not my intention. I feel like a complete asshole saying that, but I know if there's anywhere I can be 100% honest, it's here.

I really don't want those two announcements to bring me down, but damn it. I was hoping that being on a break would soften the blow of any news I got, because I wouldn't be knee deep in treatments or a tww. But they still suck just as much...

Okay. ENOUGH whining. Back to having some semblence of a normal life. I liked it a lot better that way. Being sad sucks.

Slowly, But Surely...

Hey there, sorry I haven't been posting much. When I was in the darkest place, I was too far gone to complete a train of thought. But this last week is mostly because I've kept myself incredibly busy and just haven't made the time to write. Having gone to two Sharks games in three days may have also contributed to that. Even now... I struggle to come up with the next sentence, but it's strange because I feel I have so much to say. I've been doing better emotionally. It's funny because making that first call to my therapist made a big difference. Just knowing I was taking a step to get some help lifted a huge weight. The appointment went well, I'm going to continue seeing her for the next few weeks. The days following my first session were full of ups and downs, but I'm happy to say the highs were higher and the lows were not nearly as low, or as difficult to shake off as they have been in the past. And would you believe I even made it through an entire Baby Shower without hurling myself through a plate glass patio slider?!?! I KNOW!

Don't get too excited, I'm still not feeling quite myself, but I'm lucid enough to know how strange it is to be so sad all the time. I hardly recognize that side of me; weepy consumed, despondent. While I've always been one to cry over things a simple as commercials, or a greeting card I still felt pretty confident in the viability of my mental health. But sometimes looking at the mess I am right now makes me think I seriously overestimated myself. Good god, how ever did I make it this far in life without spending a good portion of it in a loony bin?!?!

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

So I'm 9dpo today. I'm going to string out my prometrium until Saturday when I'll test. I'm not feeling super hopeful, but I haven't given up yet either. I know how very much I still want this, and feel it's going to happen for us eventually... Which is why there's still that twinkle of hope thinking that it's always darkest before the dawn, what if this turns out to be our month? Blah, Blah, Blah.

I'm sorry I've been so bad about commenting, please know that I've been lurking and of course thinking of you all. Hugs.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr Anyone?

I've been on kind of a rage bender since CD1. The slightest of things set me off. Here is a completely unwarranted rant, all IF related mind you -via bullet point.

• My boobs are killing me. I hate that they start getting sore the day after I ovulate. Two whole weeks of sore boobs. That's 26weeks a year!!! Not only is it uncomfortable but it means I'm in my tww. Which only induces insanity and helps to notify me of impending heartache.
• Even though we ended up getting the timing right, I don't have a great feeling about this cycle... The timing was right on my last two cycles and look where that got us. AND, we had the lowest motile count we've had in the last two cycles. Only 39 Million total for both IUI's.
• I FUCKING hate Facebook. If its not a belly pic, it's finding out I wasn't invited to a Shower. Remember my "friend", who avoided me for four months then called me to tell me she was 19 weeks along? Well, it turns out she had a baby shower two weeks ago, that I wasn't invited to. I don't know that I would have gone - but it still would have been nice too have been given the choice. To be acknowledged, included. I was one of her bridesmaids for christsakes.
• The Mall sucks my ass. I was totally preoccupied this weekend and mistakenly ended up going there ON A SUNDAY. It's like a fucking Stroller Derby, and most of the "parents" leave their common sense, and courtesy in their fucking car.
• I hate knowing what pregnancy symptoms are. The last two dIUI cycles I was completely convinced I was pregnant. My symptoms were all over the place, and I just knew this had to be it. BUT NO. Here I am starting all over again. And I'm fucking getting pretty tired of it.
• Rage. I am tired of being angry, or sad. I just want to feel normal again. I want our old life back. I feel so worn out. How much longer do we have to endure this???

Fuck.

A Little Bellyaching

My Google Reader is getting heavy. She is packed to the brim with updates that measure Weeks and days. My blog roll is beginning to get a little lopsided as well. This revelation makes me both happy and sad. Happy because so many of my IF sisters dreams have finally come true. Then sad, because I'm still sitting on the sidelines. Please don't get me wrong. I am thrilled for the many, and MUCH deserved pregnancies. I'm just feeling a little left behind, which is really another way to say I'm feeling sorry for myself...

It's getting harder to imagine a BFP. It just feels really far away. I used to picture myself in the early morning hours rubbing the sleep and groggy blur out of my eyes, only to fill them again suddenly with tears of joy at the mere sight of my second line. I don't do that anymore. I've stopped imagining how the day will be. And how I'll tell Brian. It seems so foreign now. I realize I must sound unreasonably glum considering I'm only on my third cycle. But it's my blog and I can whine if I want to.

Anyway, today is CD11. I'll start doing my OPK's on Saturday. As long as my cycle behaves this month, I should go in for my next series of IUI's on Monday and Tuesday.

Hey, while I'm on a whining spree, can I just say how fucking tired I am of peeing in Dixie cups?! I never though it would be possible to despise a paper cup, but every time I lay my eyes on the enormous stack in my bathroom cabinet I literally groan out loud, like they're the equivalent of an impending root canal...

When you need a friend

A few weeks ago I wrote about some good friends who got pregnant on their first try. I wrote about how devastated I was. How even thought I knew that they were trying, hearing their news sent me over the edge. I literally bawled the moment I got in my car to leave work that evening. And I didn't stop until much later that night. These friends of mine are very aware of our situation and gave me the news as gently as possible. We've had them over for dinner since then and although they were careful and asked us more about our current status than they reported of their own, I couldn't help but feel resentful. Her very presence alone was enough to crush my spirit. To break my already wounded heart.

Flip that coin over and you'll find the friends we haven't spoken to since they called us with their happy news. These were friends we traveled to another country with. And spent every Cinco De Mayo with. And saw on a pretty regular basis up until now. In January they suffered a miscarriage. I made it a point to be as supportive as I could. I called up the wife and had a super girly day with her. During our lunch I told her how sorry I was for her loss and then I confided in her all of the infertility issues we'd been dealing with. I told her that I knew she would be pregnant again in no time and that she shouldn't be afraid to tell us when that time comes. She was grateful for my sympathy and empathic to our situation. She asked questions delicately, and told me to call her when I had a bad. I haven't physically seen her since that day. The last time I spoke with her was when she called to tell us that she was pregnant, and 19 weeks along. 19 weeks. We live 6 miles apart. She and her husband have been avoiding us since they found out. They skipped the surprise birthday party in March, that Brian threw for me. And in between the time when they were passed the 12 week mark and when they finally called us, Brian saw them twice. They didn't say a thing. Brian even asked the husband how things were going and the husband blew it off and said they hadn't been trying. Brian has called them a few times and they haven't returned a single call.

Another close friend of mine got married in May and simultaneously announced her abandonment of birth control, just called me today. Out of the blue. She wants to hang out. LIKE SOON. It's pretty obvious that yet another announcement is headed our way. Great.

Infertility changes so many things in our lives. Why does it have to mess with our friendships??? Why does it alienate us from our friends when we need them most???

I hate it but I feel like I'm being left behind. Again. I was just so sure that my first IUI was going to work. I thought about how I'd be far enough along to tell our families on Brian's birthday. Now I feel like we're still months away from anything. This fucking sucks.

Speaking of things that really fucking suck. Please give some love to Kerri at Will not work for Baby. Her IVF cycle failed, and she is understandably broken hearted, as am I for her...

Humble Pie

I'm starting to feel like an idiot... For being so upset about my friend's announcement. I'm not saying that my feelings were unwarranted. "Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are", said Mom on the other end of my blubbering phone call last week. What she should have said was PULL YOUR SHIT TOGETHER MELISSA. Their news is NOT a plot against you. Get OVER yourself... Which is sort of what Brian did when I told him the news that morning. Only instead of thanking him for giving me a reality check, I picked a fight with him. He was gentle about it. He really just told me that he was happy for them, and that I should be too. It's not that I wasn't happy for them. I'm glad that they won't have to deal with any of this. I would never wish them the heartache of IF. EVER.

So I've moved on. I feel fine. The reason I know that is because my friend's wife posted a 12 week belly shot on facebook last night, and it didn't bother me. Yeah, I know I was surprised too. So is it because Brian waved the Your-being-incredibly-self-centered-and-childish-flag? Or is it because I am a week away from my first real cycle and I think there is a chance that I could be pregnant at her baby shower? Probably both, so if I bitch about it again, just remind me about this post will ya? Thanks again for all the hugs!

A little to the left...There. Stab me right there please....

Son of biiiiiiitch. I got the dreaded email every infertile hates to get, this morning. A good friend of mine and his wife are pregnant. They are aware of our situation. And even though I figured I'd hear this news any day now it still knocked the breath out of me. I'm trying to pull my shit together and not cry in my office. I am completely deflated.

I have to give them some major Infertile points though they handled it really well. My friend told me, before his own sisters, or any of our friends that way we wouldn't be the last to know. I'm really grateful for that. Here is a small blurb:

"So, I have some killer news that I wanted to share, but have been struggling on just how to share it.
And with that, here we go...
#$%^&* and I are preggers. Today is "officially" (I think) the 12-week mark. I wanted you guys to be some of the first people we told, but I also knew that it might be the hardest situation to handle. So, hopefully you understand why I went this route. I wanted to let you know as personally as I could without putting you in a position for a forced response.
I know you and Brian are having a tough time, and #$%%^&* and I really, really want you to know how much we are there for you."

This letter still makes me want to jump off a bridge, but I really respect the fact that they came to us first. We recently had some friends whom, we thought we were close with; wait until they were 20 weeks to tell us. They had avoided us and lied to us about it during the 8 weeks when everyone else likely knew. Probably just to spare themselves some awkwardness.

Fuck. I am shaking right now. I think I will have to wait until tomorrow to respond to them. So as to avoid crying at work and all. It sucks because my first reaction was like: "How could he send me that first thing this morning?! Doesn't he have a clue that sending it to me over the weekend would be better???!!!" But the truth is, it would never be a good time. Even when I knew it was coming.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

If you have a second, I could use an Internet hug or FIVE MILLION. Thanks.

Your Daily Dose of Infertile Angst

Please! Somebody help me! I think my period is trying to kill me! In the seventeen years that I've had my period, this is most definitely THE. WORST. ONE. EVER. I normally get cramps for an hour or so when my period first starts, but I have had them for two days straight now. Like crippling, surging, agonizing death inspired cramps. I literally had to get up three separate times last night to like walk it off. They even woke me up! I was dreaming that I was being mugged and shot. When it was actually just my uterus conspiring against me. Sorry for the tmi, but it had to be said.

One a more exciting note, I got invited to a baby shower! Actually it's not a shower; its a "sprinkle" because this will be her second child. The new baby's Auntie and almost big sister will be throwing it. HOW PRECIOUS. We ran into the mom-to-be-again at Costco yesterday, with her cuter than cute (seriously she's adorable) almost three year old. She IM'd me this afternoon asking me to keep July 11th open for her special event. I told her I would, knowing that there would be absolutely NO WAY IN HELL I would attend. A few minutes later she sent me another message saying that Brian had told her husband about our struggle, and that she was thinking of us. I started to quip back in my head about how she should put two and two together and realize how insensitive her invitation was, when she stopped herself and said that if the shower would be too hard to be around she would understand. I thanked her, and told her I had already sort of planned to politely decline, and that I appreciated her understanding. I hate it when I get all self centered, and smug about other people's thoughtlessness or insensitivity only to have it thrown back in my face with a compassionate gesture or comment. And it's not the swallowing my pride part, it's the realizing how jaded I've become from all of this.

I'm tired of feeling slighted by a friends good news. Or envious of every young mother at the grocery store. I hate that I'm not more excited about my upcoming cycle. It's not that I don't want it to happen, believe me I do. But I'm not giddy, I'm not counting down the days, or even feeling all that optimistic. For all the strength I've gained from enduring IF, it's taken my innocence two fold and replaced it with experience and the knowledge that things don't always work out.


I am one cycle away from our first real chance of getting pregnant. So why aren't I more excited?