Catching Up

Wooowee, am I far behind on updates! Bullet Points anyone?

Blogaversary - My FIFTH blogaversary was January 31st. I still cannot believe I have managed to keep this going for so long - consecutively. I am always thankful for all of my bloggy friends and all the support I have found in this community.

2x4 - As in my current ass measurement. I started back on the ol' Dub-Dub last week. (Weight.Watchers). I find that the fourth time around I am able to do most of the Points (calorie counting) without actually signing up for it. I found an app for my phone that calculates points the same way WW does. And based on my history I know what range of points I should be within. So I'm exercising regularly again and counting my points. Friday is my first weigh in and since I'm not actually paying for their services, I get to weigh myself neked in my own bathroom. Surprisingly, I can feel a difference already. Even if it's just bloat that I've lost thanks to the metric shit ton of water I've been drinking. I'm just so ready to get my body back. -25lbs is my goal, but ideally I'd like to go for 35. We'll see what I can manage. And barring a second pregnancy, I'd like to hope this is the last time I'll have 25 - 35 to loose. 

I always felt like I needed the accountability of paying someone, and going in to get weighed in order to be successful. But since I'm opting for the free route, I will keep a ticker here (on your right) to help keep me in line. 

Leah - My amazing baby girl. She is so great. I am going to continue to post monthly updates for her. I have last months drafted, I just need to finish and post it. Same with this months, for that matter. Originally I was just planning to do the monthly's for her first year, but going back to read them all I realized  how much I quickly forgot. So I feel like it's important to track it all. 

Blogging in general - I want to keep up on it. I love it. I have been a horrendous commenter as of late though. In fact, I'm a little ashamed of how little I've been commenting. If you are still reading and/or commenting, I love you, and I am going to work on commenting back!

Stay Tuned!

Strong Enough

We're supposed to visit some good friends this afternoon. Their baby girl is a week old today. In anticipation of her birth I bought a gift about a month ago. So that I wouldn't have to handle shopping for the gift, and enduring a visit in the same period of time. It would just be too hard. I bought her some Sharks onesies. Something I had anticipated buying for ourselves for a very, very long time. Her daddy is a big Sharks fan, and I knew how much he would appreciate it. But since the day that I got them I've wanted to return them. It feels like a purchase I should have waited to make until it was finally our turn. Like somehow buying those clothes for someone else was a resignation or an abandonment of a dream. If I decide to get them something else, I will donate the Sharks stuff.

I can't keep it here.

We're struggling with the impending visit, and at this moment debating whether it is something we can withstand at all. And it makes me feel like an awful friend. It makes me feel weaker than I know I am, and also selfish.

But today isn't just Sunday, the day we're supposed to meet our friend's new baby. It's also my second Blogiversary. And I find that I'm feeling very conflicted about it. On one hand I can't imagine my life without all of you in it. The friendships I've made here are deeply cherished and more than I ever anticipated; imperative to my well being. I'm grateful for the history it has recorded. It's a constant reminder of how amazing my husband is. I truly believe that Brian is my soul mate, and he's made me a better person in every way possible. And as horrendous as infertility is, it's made us infinitely stronger.

While I continue to feel appreciative for all those things, today I can't help but regard this place as a potent relic filled with anguish, and despair, and failure. Sometimes the thought of how much I've shared here is overwhelming, and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. And all at once sorrow when I realize how much time has actually gone by.

I don't quite know how else to say it. Today is flooded with disappointment. Disappointment that another year has gone by and we still have an empty spare bedroom. And disappointment from letting a friend down. If we don't show, I'm sure they'll forgive us, but I know this is a day I will never forget.