Four Months

Dearest Leah,


I’ve been back to work for a month now, and I think I’m slowly getting the hang of it. I’m sure you’d be naked or wearing one of your dad’s shirts as a diaper if I had to start back fulltime. I do not know how other Mommies do it. The first day without you was pretty rough, I cried all the way to work and broke the sound barrier driving back home to see you at the end of that day. But we’re figuring it out, and so far I haven’t screwed up anything at home or work too badly. But I still would MUCH rather be home with you every single minute of every single day.

You have started laughing, and I am able to get a pretty good giggle out of you with the help of a big squishy bumblebee toy. While it’s hilarious to see you laugh, it also makes me cry. I’m a big sap and really, I wasn’t ever sure that I’d see this day or hear your laughter. It makes me look forward to when you’re old enough to watch bad TV with me and cry over complete strangers. 

You rolled over about ten days ago. I was so anxious that it would happen on a day that I was at work, then last Friday we came home from running errands I set you down on the blanket in the living room while I checked to see which episode of friends was on next. (The One with the Embryos) (How fitting for my blog post here!) This is the one when Phoebe is her brothers Gestational Carrier, and Chandler and Joey play Monica and Rachel at Who knows Whom better. “ I AM SO GOOD AT LIGHTENING ROUNDS!” Anyway, so I turn around and you’re on your belly, just looking around and living life as though your mother isn’t a careless failure who chose TV over your first big physical feat. Can I at least call on the 47 minutes of useless video taken of you NOT rolling over? You were SO close though…

Sleep. The day finally came that it seemed you were just too big for your bassinet. In addition, I was afraid that your dads and my tossing and turning at night was keeping you up. I wish I could do the co-sleeping thing, but as much as I love having your squishy little face next to me,  I just don’t sleep well enough when you’re in the bed. I moved you out slowly over about ten days. I put you to bed in your crib at 8, then when you’d get up for your first feeding between 11-1, I’d put you back down in the bassinet. But just a few days ago I let you sleep in your crib all night long. I wish I could say that even though I missed you, I slept more soundly with you in your own room, but I spent most of the night staring at the video monitor making sure you were okay. And since you now wake up without fail at ten minutes to 5am, we have a little routine set of me nursing you in bed and then we both fall back to sleep until LIVE! With Kelli comes on or it’s time to get up.

At your four month appointment your Pediatrician was impressed with how well you can hold your head up, and how long your tiny fingers are.  You now weigh 12 pounds, 4.5 ounces and measure 25 ½ inches long. We love your doctor too by the way. When he came in to the exam room he greeted you first then asked “How are you guys doing? Starting to feel more comfortable being Mom & Dad? Starting to notice some of the stupid crap other people do with their kids, yet?”  But really he has a very gentle manner, listens to my ridonkulous list of questions patiently, and gives reassuring, yet no nonsense answers. You got another round of shots, which made you scream and me cry (I know), but then you slept like A ROCK. Which means momma did too!

It seems like every day you are turning more and more into a little person. And you’re finally out of that cranky stage, except for about 30 minutes before bed time. But even those difficult days were amazing, the new baby/new mom high is definitely still in full effect, I'm just like, stoopid happy. All the time. Just getting to know you feels like the biggest gift and every new day with you is my favorite. I can’t wait to see what the next month brings.

Love,

Momma

Supplied!

And you folks are exactly what I love about this community. I’m having a tough time with online boards, it seems like most of the people who reply are either crazy bitches or know-it-all schmucks. Neither of which I half an ounce of tolerance for.

So I’m happy to report that trying a combination of your suggestions has not only helped me increase my supply, but I was able to get caught up on my frozen supply while maintaining a fresh supply for the two days she is with my MIL. WOO HOO!

I was asked if Leah was sleeping through the night. She is not, she goes to bed at 8 and is up to feed between 11-2, then feeds again between 4-6. If she only feeds on one side I will stay up and pump the other. Also I try to feed her again right before I leave around 8:30am, but sometimes she’s just not interested.

So per your suggestions, I have switched to the preemie nipples, and asked my MIL to distract her if she starts crying right after it’s finished. If she still seems fussy after 10 minutes, she goes ahead with another bottle. (This usually only applies to 2-3 ounce bags)

On the days I am away from Leah, I pump every three hours religiously. Then I pump every night about an hour after she has gone to bed. (I nurse her to sleep at bed time) I have not tried double pumping, but will give it a shot. I usually massage my breasts while pumping to help encourage the flow. I also ALWAYS have a picture of Leah in front of me.

The Tea. Shit actually works. I stopped drinking it for two days and saw a noticeable decrease in the amount I was able to pump while maintaining my regular pumping/feeding habits. I hate the licorice taste, and hot tea is not exactly appetizing on the hot days, so I decided to chill it and it’s much easier to get through 32 ounces a day. That way it’s refreshing, a change of pace from water, and not nearly as licoriceishy tasting. (They recommend 24 – 40 ounce per day.)

I’m also working on eating the suggested foods!

One more question! I seem to be getting a blister in the same spot on the same nipple, which always leads to a clogged duct, because the milk can't get past the inflammed skin. I realize this is likely a latching issue, but does anyone have any suggestions on how to prevent it? I noticed that I got it one time after falling asleep while nursing - she just kept pacifying it. Then I woke up super raw. UGH. But I don't always realize there is an issue until later on.

Thanks again ladies!!!

Supply and Demand

Before I went back to work, I spent a few weeks building a frozen supply of breast milk for Leah. However she’s gone through it a lot faster than I thought she would. And I only have bottle feeding to blame for that. I’ve read that primarily breastfed babies have a hard time knowing they are full on the occasion that they take a bottle. Flow from the breast is much slower so it’s easier for baby to recognize when its full. Example: Leah can nurse anywhere from 20 -35 minutes, but she can down a bottle in under 10. So on the two days I am at work, she goes through double what she would when I nurse her.

Now my frozen supply is dwindling, and I‘m freaking out a bit about how I will be able to keep up. On the days I am at work I pump and bring that home, then I try to pump every day when I am home just to make up for the additional bags that are used on the other two days, but I’m thinking I won’t be able to maintain my frozen supply much longer.

I drink tons of water, and even started drinking Org.anic Moth.ers Mi.lk Tea to help increase my supply so I can pump twice a day instead of once, or have a larger quantity to pump. Does anyone else have experience with this? Any tips?

Hang On A Sec

I feel the need to clarify my intentions and a few things about my last post. 

Apparently I came off like a controlling ogre who doesn't wanna share. 

I have an amazing relationship with my grandparents, and fantastic memories of holidays with them. And I want more than anything for Leah to have that. Particularly with Brian's parents because I doubt she'll be getting it from my side.

This isn't about cutting Brian's parents out of Leah's life. This is about reigning in a Mother-in-law who clearly sees raising her two sons as the best time of her life, and is ready for round three. And probably day dreams regularly about taking full custody of Leah. (I'm only half kidding)
But it's all out of love and I know that.

My in-laws live three blocks away. They are and will continue to be a HUGE part of ours and Leah's life. And not just because of proximity and the fact that they are my husbands parents, but because I love them and genuinely care for them and want them in my life. But I feel the need to set some boundaries so that my Mother-in-law understands this is her time to OBSERVE and NOT DO. She gets to be a part of and witness this beautiful little girl growing up, this isn't a do-over for her. Grandparents - not Parents

I hope that make sense. 

And if it doesn't, this is my blog and you can suck it. :D

(And one more thing to help make my point of view clear. If you have ever watched Bethanny Ever After, and seen the dynamics between her and Jason's family, you'd understand more of where I am coming from. Brian had the nuclear family and I had, well, kind of a mess...)

A New Holiday Regime?

All of this Easter drama has me thinking about the roles parents play and where holiday traditions with our parents merge with the new ones we hope to start with our little family. And how we're going to handle the holidays to come. 

Going forward, I don't really think Leah needs two Easter Baskets. 

If Brian's parents get her one, does that mean my dad should get her one too? 

She definitely doesn't need three Easter Baskets 
(or four if you count my "Around at her Convenience" mother) 

So now the question goes one step further, what about Christmas Stockings? 

I didn't get an Easter Basket or a Christmas Stocking from either of my Grandparents... 

And as far as I know, Santa only delivers your presents to the house you live in. 

Not Grammy and Pop-pop's. 

There are some tricky parts to this situation. 

Right now, we do stockings for the grownups on both sides of our family. 

Brian's folks do one for us, and my dad does one for us. And we do theirs.

Here's my argument against it from now on.

Number 1 - Neither of our parents need to be spending an extra $20-30 dollars on a Stocking at Christmas. If you count Brian and I and Leah, that's a pretty penny. And we don't need to blow money on scratcher lottery tickets and tiny bottles of booze for them either...

Number 2 - I don't want Leah to have lots of STUFF. A fair amount of toys and books, yes. But not to an excess. It's the principle behind it. She is the only grandchild on both sides of the family. She's already going to clean up for her Birthday and Christmas. I don't want her to get spoiled or think that this type of exorbitance is the norm.


Number 3 - Finally, I feel like this is our time. To be Santa and the Easter Bunny. Just Brian and I. They've had their time... 

 I haven't brought this up to Brian yet, and if he agrees with me, this is going to be a very VERY difficult conversation to have with my my in-laws. Especially because my Mother-in-Law already made a stocking for Leah. And my Grandmother-inlaw made one for Leah for here at the house... But what if I want to do my own little thing for Leah? Why should I be obligated to use these items? I feel like it's my turn to start new traditions. 
I want a set of stockings for the three of us that match, and are our style... 
So what now? 

So I ask all of you. Did you get Easter Baskets and Stockings from your Grandparents?

Easter Misgivings, and the Land of Firsts

Easter was never a huge deal in my family. Mostly, I suppose, because we're not remotely religious. Did we get together? Of course. Was the day heavy with food and drink? You betcha. My Dad used to give us Easter Bags. It was a crumpled brown paper bag filled with that cheesy plastic grass and an obscene amount of candy. I never cared that my Easter gift wasn't a pretty wooden basket lined with ribbon and lace. Because an Easter Bag was more of my dad's style. It was quirky and endearing. And he always included our favorite candy. It was thoughtful.


A few weeks ago my Mother-in-law and I were at a craft store picking out yarn for a blanket I'd asked her to make for Leah. The store was plastered with Easter decorations and baskets and bunnies. "Awwwwww, next year I'll get to make her an Easter Baskehhht!" I said, thinking of how Brian and I are now the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. As Easter got closer I started to get more excited as I heard about my friends with older kids and all the plans they had. Dying eggs, filling baskets, hiding eggs and other goodies. I can't wait to dye eggs with her. But I'm a realist. My daughter is three and a half months old. So I didn't think an Easter basket would be necessary or appropriate this year. Not that I think it's dumb, it's just that it didn't make sense for me to run out and spend 20 bucks on a basket that really would have been for me. Not her... Still I smiled as I thought about next year and how she'll be able to hold it and walk with the basket that I made her.


So when we got to my in laws Sunday morning for brunch I felt a pang of anger when I saw an Easter Basket with Leah's name sitting on the fire place. Her first Easter Basket. I've made several comments to my mother-in-law that any firsts need to be run by us before they do anything. I assumed that they might do a little something, like a card and a stuffed animal or even a symbolic chocolate bunny. But no, it was a full fledged monogrammed basket with plastic grass and eggs filled with money and bibs and a hat. Now I get that my mother-in-law was excited about her grandbaby's first Easter. But she's gotten her firsts with her two sons. This is our time, with our daughter, and I'm so frustrated that she wouldn't have thought to ask us what our plans were. I spoke to her about it this morning. I thanked her for the gifts and her thoughtfulness, but explained how I wished she had talked to us first about it. And gently reiterated that ANY FIRSTS need to be approved by Brian and I. She started crying, because that's how she is. My intentions were not to hurt her feelings, but to set a clear boundary. And just as my intentions were pure, I know her's are as well. And that in a way, she's like a little puppydog who gets very excited and doesn't see the puddle of pee she's left on the floor.


Am I being a little hypersensitive? Probably. But I don't think I'm being unreasonable as long as I am honest about my expectations. I also have to ask myself if this would be as big a deal if I wasn't having so many territorial feelings. Maybe, maybe not. I think it really has a lot to do with how your perspective changes when you become a parent. And how much your own experiences influence the feelings you have towards the situations your child will encounter. Never in my life have the things my childhood lacked been more evident, than now as I think of everything I want to give my daughter. I don't blame anyone for what I didn't have. I was raised by a single parent, and my dad did the very best he could. I just have a very clear picture of what I want and don't want for her, and for the three of us as a family. I also think my having to go back to work against my preference plays a part. I'm happy and grateful that my mother-in-law is not only willing and able to watch Leah, but is also ecstatic about doing so. And I think if I didn't have to work and be away from Leah, I'd be more than happy and open to leaving her with my mother-in-law for a few hours a week. But that's just not case and all of this is harder than I thought it would be.

So I guess from now on I'm just going to be a lot more honest with my mother-in-law rather than reserved, as I have been.

In Which I Hyper-Focus On Me

Gah, I know it’s been a millennia since I updated here. Sorry about that, I’ve just been uber busy with my last few weeks before work started and now that I am back at work, I have even less time. So this post will consist of me yammering on about me. Although I guess that’s sort of what a personal blog is. But whatever. You’ve been warned.

Fat. Whether or not I lose the baby weight quickly is all on me. And so far I have to say; I don’t really care. I thought I would. But I don’t. Not yet anyway. I know I will hit a point where I am ready to shed the last remaining 15lbs that seem to be all in my belly. I don’t eat crap, because Leah can’t tolerate it. I was never really a fast food person, but the one time I did indulge it made her super gassy. No fun for baby = no fun for mama. I have also recently cut dairy out of my diet in order to determine if Leah has a milk protein allergy. If you’re not familiar, babies with milk protein allergies are not able to easily digest the protein in cow, sheep or goats milk that is consumed by its mother and passed on through  breast milk. Symptoms can be:

Gassiness
Fussiness,
Skin irritations like eczema
Respiratory difficulty like wheezing, coughing or congestion
Diarrhea (or excessive bowel movements),  
Vomiting (more than just spitting up)
Low weight gain.

Leah seems to have the eczema, and the gassiness, which seems to lead to the fussiness. So I’m about two weeks in to a diary free diet, I’ll go up to Thursday then have a glass of milk Friday morning and see if she has any reactions. I gotta say I miss my cheeses, but I might just ahve to get used to that. Breastfeeding is just too important to me.

Walking is tough since its been pretty cold and windy in my parts so I wouldn't be able to take Leah with me. But I know we only have  a few more weeks of crappy weather left. And even though I still have a stationary bike in my garage and my Jillian Michaels torture DVD, I umm, don’t really care. My weight has always yo-yo’d and I’m comfortable enough at this point. Plus I like what my midwife said, it took you nine months to get that way, give yourself at least nine months to get back.

Whatelse…Oh, I’m going bald. My hair seems to be falling out like Ron Paul supporters. I’ve heard it’s normal post pregnancy, but good lawd. I am cleaning out my hairbrush and shower drain on a daily basis. It’s starting to get a little scary. And gross.

Work. Originally I was going to come back to work full time, but in January decided I would do part time. Fortunately my company was on board with this. The deal  for bringing Leah to work was this: Full time = bringing her to work every day until it gets to be too difficult (she’s crawling all over or just requiring too much of my time).  Part time= bringing her in on just one of the three days that I work. The other two she is with my MIL at our house. The reason I can’t bring her every day as a part timer is because you don’t get much done when your baby is with you in the office, so in order to be somewhat useful I can only bring her one day. I realize that this is a unique situation and that I’m EXTREMELY lucky enough to have this option at all. Ultimately this is an ideal situation. I work 24 hours a week, I’m with her five days out of seven, and I get to keep my Full time Benefits. I should be happy with it. But I’m not. The truth is I HATE being away from her. And she HATES being away from me. Every time I call to check in my MIL tells me she is or has recently been crying. My MIL is quite capable, but Leah cries for most of the day while I’m not there. I do feel that it is important for Leah to have people she can be comfortable with, other than Brian and I. But not now. She’s so little. And her missing me is on a primal level. She NEEDS me. Her instincts are to be with her mother. It kills me thinking that she is so upset and that me being there would fix it. And that her distress is totally unnecessary.  And damnit it just feels like we worked so hard for this. I can’t imagine missing a second of time with her.

And now I’m crying.

I know in time Leah will get to know my MIL and be fine. And I do look forward to that. Actually I hope that day comes very soon. I just feel so overwhelmed by my need to be with her, and make sure she is okay that I ache when I can’t be there. We actually took a very serious look at me quitting my job fairly soon, but Health Insurance policies are so fucking expensive. And between the cost of the policy and the payments we are still making to my credit card from IVF debt, we just can’t swing it yet. So the plan is for the immediate future, to live like I am not bringing home a paycheck and put as much as we can in the bank and towards my credit card to get it paid off. I fucking hate having credit card debt. We managed to have no debt other than our house for so long, but infertility (and a dead car) squashed that. Could be six months, could be a year... Who knows.


 So with living on one income brings tremendous changes to the way we do things. Like, Cable. I’m cutting our cable bill in half by switching to a new company with a great New Customer Promotion (Cable companies cater new customers rather than rewarding longevity, bastards) We will be going from 400+ channels down to 33. I have to say I am going to miss the Bravo Channel like I would miss a kidney, but we gotta do it. Annnd it’s probably not going to hurt for me to watch a little less TV anyway. Groceries – I’m going to have to cut back on the organic products I prefer to buy to save a few bucks here and there. I’m going to check out the local Farmers markets to compare pricing on organic produce in hopes that we won’t have to go completely without. And I’ll be making a lot more items from scratch. Which I’m looking forward to and don’t mind one bit! We’ve already cut back on eating out, making the occasional pick up from a local taqueria our one treat. I’ve also started grocery shopping at Costco with a girlfriend. I never used to buy perishables from Bulk stores because we either couldn’t finish it before it went bad or didn’t have the room to freeze it. But now, my girlfriend and I are splitting a lot of things which is cheaper and neither of us has to worry about not eating it in time or where we’re going to put the left overs. Diapers - my bff was exteremly generous to give me a cloth diaper starter kit. But I've been working on getting through some disposables that we were given. After that, no more excuses. Gotta get those going!

So what have I learned from our new financial stragedy?  Being lazy costs money. So I need to get my ass in gear!

PEACE.