Loud and Clear

I think my body is getting the message. I've been able to make it at least 48 hours in between pumping. Only getting between two and four ounces. I'm going to wean my body instead of stopping cold turkey and resorting to making coleslaw in my bra.

The rest of my body is catching on as well. I've noticed some...differences...in my nether regions. Either my lady parts are aiming to catch up for 8 1/2 months of missed periods (I haven't had any bleeding since postpartum), I'm going to ovulate a Grade A Cage Free Brown Egg, orrrrr - the Whore-Bag is back.  I've had all sorts of pinchy heaviness going on down there for several days. It's starting to get pretty uncomfortable.  I may even go see my Gyno or Acupuncturist. On top of that, I've had an outbreak of eczema, a reoccurrence of hemorrhoids, and a bout of insomnia.

I have an IRL friend who has Ovulatory PCOS as well and after her son was born; ended up with classic PCOS - irregular periods accompanied with regular cysts. Sounds terrific. She ended up having to go on Birth Control to temper the cysts. NOT what I want at all.

The next obstacle is MY ASS. It's umm...Well, it's huge right now.  I have only lost about 15 of the 35ish that I gained during my pregnancy. That 15 came off within a week of coming home, and after that nothing. Breastfeeding didn't do SHIT for weight loss up in here. 

But I also haven't been exercising or even remotely conservative with my diet. Not that I'm eating Junk Food - Leah didn't react well to fried foods, and by policy I try to stay away from a lot of processed stuff and products that contain MSG. I know how to lose weight. I've done it before. Just need to get back on it. Can you feel the motivation behind my words? 

Me neither. 

A Moveable Feast

I think it's over.

She went the entire day today on just formula.

And did great.

Per a friends recommendation I switched her from the Soy Based formula over to a Dairy Based Sensitive formula. Truthfully the soy based was HORRIBLE. Over two weeks I had worked my way up from cutting it with a 1/2 teaspoon of formula to cutting it 50/50 with my pumped milk, and the few times I tried to give her straight formula she flat out refused it.  So I started the new stuff at 50/50,  and within four days was able to give it to her straight. I tried this one too and it's a vast improvement over the soy. Like a thin room temperature milkshake, really. At first I worried about the sugar content, but in all honesty it's probably not much different in sweetness to the way my milk tastes. Well, tasted.

I have gradually reduced the amount that I am pumping. Down from four times a day, to two. And at some point this week it will be one...

And then none.

While I feel at peace with my decision to switch; there was really no way I could continue with trying to nurse her, or be shackled to a pump four times a day. I can't help but mourn the loss of my physical connection to Leah. From egg, to embryo, to fetus, then a baby in my arms, and milk in my breasts. I've been lucky to have this amazing connection with her, but in a way it now it feels like it's being severed. It was a sacred bond that we had, just me and her. And selfishly, I loved that it was something else no one else could do.

And I know I'm trading this one little thing for a much different kind of bond. It's pretty fricken cool to see her want me. She actually knows how to express that she wants ME to hold her. But I just wasn't prepared to let it go so soon. So I'm dealing with it the way I know best, by eating my feelings. My glorious dairy filled feelings. 

Oh, how I missed you, cheese. Brie will always be there for me...

The Taste of Betrayal

I spent the larger part of the last week torturing myself over whether or not to continue breastfeeding Leah. Though it may not appear so, your comments and suggestions were all of great comfort. They were abiding and validating, everything I am use to from this ALI community. 

Wednesday afternoon during my bi-weekly trip to Target, (it's a problem, really) I reluctantly picked up a can of Soy Based Formula for my lactose intolerant daughter. I bought it on the premise that it would be for an absolute emergency. In case both my freezer stash and actual supply had completely diminished. Later that night I came to the conclusion that I might possibly just use the formula to supplement, but still primarily nurse and pump as much as humanly possible. Though as I came to appreciate my new revelation I realized my physical supply had taken a huge hit. While allowing my nipples to recover I had been using up my bountiful freezer supply and been lazy about pumping. In my defense it was just that I didn't make enough time for it, not that I hahazardly chose not to.

So on Friday when Leah's first nap of the day rolled around, I pulled the can of formula from the cabinet and made her the first bottle. I scooped her up off the floor and carried her into her room to give her the bottle I had so lovingly made with warm tap water. She whined and reached for it as I got us both into the optimal position for a relaxed feeding. When I finally offered her the sippy cup shed squealed and popped it in her mouth. She took one big gulp, and mid-swallow ripped the cup from her mouth with a look of distress and confusion. And then betrayal. That wasn't my milk. It was the taste of betrayal. She dropped the cup and let a big portion of the milk already in her mouth drool out on to her onesie. I grabbed the cup and offered it to her again, but she pushed it away. I tried three more times this weekend, but she would have nothing to do with it. I even mixed it with my milk and she wouldn't hear of it. 

All this time I agonized and fretted over whether or not to make this transition, and I didn't even consider the fact that she would't like it. And I don't blame her. I tried it. It was terrible. 

Oh, the irony....

I spent this weekend feverishly working to increase my supply. Pumping every three to four hours. Drinking that awful Tea (Which has worked well for me before), and eating Oatmeal regularly. I have to say at this point spending every spare moment pumping, is no way to live. I would have to dedicate about two hours per day. And now that Leah is so active, I can't imagine another three months of of pumping two hours per day. 

I'm going to try to add small increments of formula into her bottles with my milk from now on and hopefully be able to transition over to formula completely... I still can't believe I'm saying that. But the bottom line is, I would rather be spending time with her on the floor, than confining her to her crib so I can have 30 minutes to pump three times a day. My tata's have healed up well, but her troublesome actions while nursing are still a constant. The bites hurt just a little less sans blisters. I noticed too that I still get that special time with her while she's taking a bottle, because I make it that way purposely. I go to a quiet area, and stroke her hair while we stare into each other's eyes. The main difference is that I can relax and smile at her instead of holding my breath while I wait for a bite, or struggle against her while she tries pulling away... I guess I have my answer. 

It's Not You, It's Me.

And just like in real life breakup's, that means it's actually you. 

Meaning Leah. 

Still with me? 

K. 

Every time I start to think about researching which formula to start her on, I feel like I'm breaking up with her. I get this heaviness in my chest reminiscent of my late-teen dating era. And then I suddenly remember what having my nipple slammed in a drawer feels like. Except the drawer has two teeny tiny razor sharp baby teeth and a cute hiney. But still, I go back and forth. The day that I published my last post was the day after a really bad nursing day. And then miraculously the day I posted it was almost perfect. Like old times. Wanna know what I did differently? Not a damn thing. Then yesterday was horrible again. Horrible. Bitten every single session. I swear by the skin left on my right nipple that I watched her every move. And there is no way I could have prevented any of them. otherwiseIfuckingwouldhave,right?!. Most were caused by distractions that I had no control over, nor did I see coming. The only sessions that seem to go smoothly are in the morning. Because she is half asleep and starving.

Last night I slept terribly. I was haunted by dreams of formula. There were apparently three cans of formula in Leah's closet, and I HAD to choose the right one. But I couldn't get in there because she was asleep. But I had to choose one already. But she was asleep. And then it was 5 am and I was wide awake.... 

Please understand my trepidation with Formula is not entirely about her health, or possible nutritional variances. I know she will be just fine with formula. This is not about milk. It's about nursing. I loved nursing her and I am grateful to have been able to do it at all. Because I personally know several women who weren't able to for various reasons - inadequate supply, severely inverted nipples, medication. Believe it or not, I have a friend who was on a walk with her husband and her two month old, and she was attacked by a raccoon. (around dusk) Then had to get a rabies shot, which meant no more nursing... Crazy right?  

Every time I think I have made peace with one direction or the other, something changes my mind. Nursing her first thing in the morning goes smoothly, and I think: Well maybe I can just nurse in the morning and pump the rest of the time. Then I think, damn pumping takes up a lot of time and I have no qualms with paying for convenience not to mention pain free nipples. And I have to be honest there are a few selfish reasons floating in the back of my head. One, I could eat dairy again. GOD I MISS DAIRY. Two, I could go back to my REAL bra's. Since Junior High I have bounced between a 34DD,and a 36F. So nursing bra's fundamentally lack the fortitude - if you will - to keep my girls up where they should be. I am really looking forward to getting them into my Le Mystere's and back into the correct Hemisphere. And for the record, breastfeeding didn't wreck them. Being a 34DD before the age of 16 did. Perky went buh-bye a LONG time ago. I digress. 

Then switching to formula means money I didn't count on spending (though we can afford it), and also? I'll start getting my period... I haven't had anything since postpartum. 

Anyhoo, I want to thank all of you for your wonderful comments. And especially the wonderful ladies over at PAIL for featuring my post and sending extra support my way. It was super validating to hear your stories, and to remind me that I have to let go of the guilt. HAVE TO. Really, your comments meant a lot, and I hope to get over to your blogs soon!

To Be Continued....

A Tale of Two Tata's

I'm starting to rethink how long I will Breastfeed Leah. Which simultaneously makes me want to jump off a bridge. Because I feel like a quitter and a failure. While I know that’s technically not true I can’t help but reflect on how significantly being able to physically provide milk for my daughter effects my sense of self-worth. It's hard to quantify the amount of pride I feel from filling a little storage bag to the brim with wholesome milk that I know is for her.  I look upon my stash of frozen bags of milk as though they were bars of gold. Not to mention how very much I love snuggling and being so close to her. Watching her suckle while her eyes slowly close.  It makes me fall more and more in love with her.

Last weekend I met with a Lactation Consultant for the blister on my right nipple that just wouldn’t heal. Not only was there pain from the blister, but it started to hurt even when I wasn’t nursing. It was sore and throbbing, and would stay hard all the time. And it was so very painful. Then I started to suspect suspect thrush. And it got to the point where I was pumping every feeding instead of just nursing her. 

The lactation consultant was very helpful, she watched Leah nurse and immediately saw the problem. Aside from Leah being incredibly easily distracted (which is very common at this age), she's been doing this thing where she pulls her neck back then pushes against me with her hands and legs at the same time. Which results in a shallow latch. Which causes in a blister. Which leads to a clogged duct. And this has been going on WEEKLY since she was about six months. So for the last three months straight I have been dealing with blisters that would develop only days after the last one healed. And now? Well now she has teeth. And I've been bitten several times. I've read up on how to handle biting, but it's hard to react in a controlled manner when you're caught off guard and then bitten on an already very tender spot. This is the suggestion: "If baby bites, it can be very effective to calmly remove baby from the breast and say nothing (or perhaps make a calm comment like “oh? don’t want to nurse right now?”), then end the nursing session for a bit."  Umm, my reaction is no where near as graceful. It's typically a yelp or gasp and it takes everything I have to remember not to pull away without breaking her latch first. There are behaviors to look for that typically happen before a bite, and sweet Jesus, can I tell you I look for them. But it happens anyway. Usually before my letdown when she seems vaguely annoyed by how much more work nursing is compared to how easy the flow is with her sippy cup. She can pound five ounces of milk from her sippy cup in like two and a half minutes... 

The lactation consultant gave me similar advice for bitting but said the pushing away is a lot harder to break, and isn't always something that can be corrected.  I love nursing her so much, and had truthfully planned to nurse until about 18 months. But it's just so fricken painful and pumping all the time is exhausting. And inconvenient. 

I was able to get a prescription for APNO, which is All Purpose Nipple Ointment. It has components that help heal wounds, and an anti-fungal to help prevent yeast issues (thrush). Because when you have a wound you are much more susceptible to thrush, especially when you are wearing a bra all day and even one at night - warm, dark, moist places and all. The APNO has made a huge difference, and while I am not completely healed, I am MUCH more comfortable. And I am nursing her again, but also pumping. Though my supply has dropped a bit.  I'm just feeling so conflicted. Because I want to keep nursing, so much. I really do love it. But the physical pain and frustration of her behaviors just feel like they are becoming too much to bear. And I don't want to be frustrated with her... And I have to wonder if my want for this connection (which isn't really there much anymore) is truly only torturing us both.  

Man, I did not see this coming. 

Feeding Fiasco's

So far Leah is a little less than keen on solid foods. I've tried several times to offer her carrots or bananas or sweet potato, and she is not amused. She picks it up and squishes it in her hands and then drops it. Either on the floor, or in her lap, or in a crevice that I cannot possibly get to without disassembling her highchair. I also bought those Fresh Food Feeders, and the only time she was interested was on a really hot day while she was teething. But I totally love the concept of them, and just want her to comply dammit!


I forgot to follow up here on it, but she is doing really well with the sippy cup while my MIL is with her. Some days she still isn't eating as much as she should, but she does so well with feeding herself and it's still more milk than she was drinking while refusing the bottles, so I call it a win. 


Nursing however is getting a little more difficult. She is SO alert now that she gets distracted very easily and turns her head away from me with my nipple still in her mouth. Which sucks even MORE when I have a blister on said nipple. I literally have to bite my lip in order to not cry out in pain. It's hard to get mad though when she smashes my nipple in between her gums because she's smiling at me. That is almost unbearably cute. She is also doing this new thing where she puts one hand against my boob, while arching her back and pulling her face away from me all while (Let's say it together, class) ALL WHILE MY NIPPLE IS STILL IN HER MOUTH. I'm afraid one of these days I'll open my nursing bra to find that my nipples have absconded to the nearest American Consulate or La Leche League meeting place for salvation. Poor little things are taking a beating...


I keep telling myself to be patient, and that she will come around to eating food more regularly and easily. Maybe it's just because I am such an overachiever with eating that I wanted a child after my own heart. When really I should just keep trying and not worry, and also probably start Weig.ht Watc.hers again very, very soon. 


Any tips out there, Moms?

Primalizafied

Yes, I’m making up words now. Call it too much spare time (ha!), call it too little education. But I like it. And it’s my laymen's term for keeping things simple and following the Back to Basics mentality when it comes to parenting.  I like to think of how animals raise their babies. Ape's don't drop off their kids with grandma, or use the Ferber method... Yes, I understand there is a distinction. I walk upright, can drive a car, and have never, ever, thrown my poop. 

(i feel the need to point out that I'm not judging anyone, just making a funny)

I have to say Motherhood has surprised me in so many ways. I’m not saying I deserve an award or anything or have really even been challenged yet, but I’m rather delighted by how naturally taking care of Leah has come to me. Not always easy to do, but the inclination has come fairly effortlessly. It is however occasionally sidelined by the knowledge of urban myths, horror stories, and the basic yet all too real irrational fear of accidentally killing my child. I’m also very surprised by how “granola” my outlook and preference is in regards to taking care of and providing for her. I suppose you could file me under Attachment Parenting, but I hate to commit to or lump myself in to any one singular belief. Before having Leah, when I thought about what kind of parent I would be, I imagined mostly outlines of integrating her into our family, rather than changing our way of life to accommodate her. It’s not that I didn’t think having a baby wouldn't change things, and maybe it was just the naiveté of a first time expectant parent, but I really thought I would want to implement a much more rigorous schedule that would make her adapt to our lifestyle . But now that she’s here, call it the “you never know until you’re in those shoes” effect; but in my head, conforming our lives around her needs makes more sense than attempting to teach an infant to live like an adult. Now I will say, I think we’ve been blessed with a very easy baby. But so far working around her demands has gone pretty well. I don’t let her cry much. Most of her fussiness stems from being overtired and I make every attempt to soothe her while she’s upset. I carry her around a lot, that’s not to say she doesn’t get plenty of floor and tummy time while I watch her from the kitchen or fold laundry on the couch. And when in public I’m almost always wearing her. (LOVING the moby wrap, btw) Will this backfire on me someday? Maybe. But right now she’s a pretty happy baby, which makes for a very happy momma and daddy. I look at this method as a lifestyle choice. I didn’t choose to have a baby so I could keep living the same existence, I wanted something different. So it’s not a sacrifice for me; it’s a way of life.

As far as my plans for sleep training goes, I am remarkably grateful to say she started sleeping through the night on her own before I could get halfway through the No Cry Sleep Solution book I bought. I take no credit for this, and instead give it all to her thumb. Because during the week when she discovered it, she instantly learned how to self soothe. So because of her thumb I am sleeping through the night along with her. With the exception of getting up around 1am to change her. I am working to teach her to learn how to fall asleep by herself, but I don’t let her cry in the process. I rock her and shush her to the point where she is almost asleep, and then I set her down in her crib, eyes mostly open, and leave the room. About 65% of the time she will roll over and go to sleep. I know this because we have a video monitor. Other times she flips around and sometimes talks herself to sleep. But I leave her be unless she starts to cry. Then I go in and start the process over. Will this bite me in the ass someday? Maybe.

I sleep with her stuff. Her blankets, her clothes. This probably sounds nuts, let me explain. She has two main swaddling blankets. Yes, I still swaddle, but I leave one arm out. I sleep with whichever one she is not using, that way she can always smell me. And the night before the days that I work, I tuck whatever outfit she is going to wear between my nighttime nursing bra and my nightgown, so she can smell me all day, not just at nap time. Weird maybe, but harmless.

She's on the verge of six months and we all know what that means: Solid foods. While I am generally ecstatic to witness each milestone, this one makes me a bit sad. Because I won't be exclusively breastfeeding anymore. I'm thankful to say breastfeeding has gone very well for me, us. And I have loved every minute of it. It's our special quite time together. And it's a fabulous excuse to leave the room when I'm over the company that's in my house. For some reason she nurses just a bit longer then... I do plan to BF for a while longer. Probably into the range of what they consider Extended Breast Feeding. The AAP recommends supplemental BF'ing up to 24 months. I'm not saying I'll be the one whipping out my girls at the park for a snacky-snack. I honestly see it as more of a morning and bedtime routine when she's that old. But who knows, she may not want it that long, or my body may not cooperate to that extent. We'll just have to see. The moral of the story is, this is one more step towards her not breastfeeding anymore, and I'm sad to think of it ending.

I guess my reason for this post is to justify what floats around in my silly little brain and to silently address the people who think it's their right to critique my method of parenting. Who I won't even bother to respond to, who have much older or grown children who say; "Go out, you need a break!" Actually, I don't. I like this job. This is what I signed up for. This is my new life. And I don't want to miss a single second of it. 

Supplied!

And you folks are exactly what I love about this community. I’m having a tough time with online boards, it seems like most of the people who reply are either crazy bitches or know-it-all schmucks. Neither of which I half an ounce of tolerance for.

So I’m happy to report that trying a combination of your suggestions has not only helped me increase my supply, but I was able to get caught up on my frozen supply while maintaining a fresh supply for the two days she is with my MIL. WOO HOO!

I was asked if Leah was sleeping through the night. She is not, she goes to bed at 8 and is up to feed between 11-2, then feeds again between 4-6. If she only feeds on one side I will stay up and pump the other. Also I try to feed her again right before I leave around 8:30am, but sometimes she’s just not interested.

So per your suggestions, I have switched to the preemie nipples, and asked my MIL to distract her if she starts crying right after it’s finished. If she still seems fussy after 10 minutes, she goes ahead with another bottle. (This usually only applies to 2-3 ounce bags)

On the days I am away from Leah, I pump every three hours religiously. Then I pump every night about an hour after she has gone to bed. (I nurse her to sleep at bed time) I have not tried double pumping, but will give it a shot. I usually massage my breasts while pumping to help encourage the flow. I also ALWAYS have a picture of Leah in front of me.

The Tea. Shit actually works. I stopped drinking it for two days and saw a noticeable decrease in the amount I was able to pump while maintaining my regular pumping/feeding habits. I hate the licorice taste, and hot tea is not exactly appetizing on the hot days, so I decided to chill it and it’s much easier to get through 32 ounces a day. That way it’s refreshing, a change of pace from water, and not nearly as licoriceishy tasting. (They recommend 24 – 40 ounce per day.)

I’m also working on eating the suggested foods!

One more question! I seem to be getting a blister in the same spot on the same nipple, which always leads to a clogged duct, because the milk can't get past the inflammed skin. I realize this is likely a latching issue, but does anyone have any suggestions on how to prevent it? I noticed that I got it one time after falling asleep while nursing - she just kept pacifying it. Then I woke up super raw. UGH. But I don't always realize there is an issue until later on.

Thanks again ladies!!!

Supply and Demand

Before I went back to work, I spent a few weeks building a frozen supply of breast milk for Leah. However she’s gone through it a lot faster than I thought she would. And I only have bottle feeding to blame for that. I’ve read that primarily breastfed babies have a hard time knowing they are full on the occasion that they take a bottle. Flow from the breast is much slower so it’s easier for baby to recognize when its full. Example: Leah can nurse anywhere from 20 -35 minutes, but she can down a bottle in under 10. So on the two days I am at work, she goes through double what she would when I nurse her.

Now my frozen supply is dwindling, and I‘m freaking out a bit about how I will be able to keep up. On the days I am at work I pump and bring that home, then I try to pump every day when I am home just to make up for the additional bags that are used on the other two days, but I’m thinking I won’t be able to maintain my frozen supply much longer.

I drink tons of water, and even started drinking Org.anic Moth.ers Mi.lk Tea to help increase my supply so I can pump twice a day instead of once, or have a larger quantity to pump. Does anyone else have experience with this? Any tips?

My Body, My Boobies

So yeah, I'll be the first to admit it; post pregnancy - my body is NOT a wonderland. It's more like something Tim Burton created. 


But it's okay. 

My stomach is flattening out slowly, I only look about four and a half months pregnant. I'm still not entirely sure how much weight I gained because I switched doctors half way through my pregnancy. Plus my doctor's office always had a completely different number than my scale at home. Probably because A. their scale is in proper working order. and B. I usually weigh myself naked at home. First thing in the morning. Before I've eaten anything. But I'm thinking it's between 35-40 pounds total. Based on their numbers I've lost about 15 pounds since delivery. I kind of thought it would have been more, but whatever. I most certainly plan to get back to my pre-baby weight, but I'm going to allow myself the first six weeks to continue focusing on how not to be an unfit mother... 

I ended up with a minor first degree tear after delivery. My midwife doesn't grade tears by the number of stitches, but by the severity of tissue separation. She said mine wasn't bad at all. (Do your Kegels, ladies!!!) But things are tender. They have me doing a Sitz-Bath and using a squeezey bottle of warm water to rinse each time I use the bathroom. Both help take the edge off the discomfort. As do the 600mg Motrin. 

My boobies. Oi. Breast feeding is going well, now... The first few days were rough, as Leah and I were both learning how to do everything. She had a narrow palate, and we were both learning how to latch on correctly so I developed blisters on my nipples right away. That was super. But things got much easier once my milk came in. I think it helped that she didn't have to work as hard to get something out. 


There's a lot I'd like to share about breast feeding but since my time is limited, I'm going to throw it out there in bullet points. So for those of you planning to breast feed I hope this might be helpful. 

Commence Unsolicited Breast Feeding Advice:

• Even under the best circumstances, breast feeding is difficult for new mothers. And your nipples are going to be sore. Period. Because it's more than likely that you've never had someone attached to them 8-12 times a day before now.
• Buy Lanolin. Have it with you in your hospital bag, and in your diaper bag.
• Take a Breast Feeding Workshop if you can. My hospital had classes for them, it cost me $45 dollars but it was WELL worth it. If you can't take a class, I recommend picking up The Womanly Art of Breast Feeding or meeting with a Licensed Lactation Consultant. It will be worth every penny, I promise. 
• List of things to have before the baby comes: Lanolin, Nursing Pads, Softcup Breast Shells, Nursing Bra's, Nursing Tank Tops, My Brest Friend feeding pillow.  I bought the MBF and was given a hand-me-down Boppy that had barely been used, hands down the Brest Friend is worth the extra dollah billz. 
• Don't worry if your milk doesn't come in right away. I had been leaking milk and colostrum since about 28 weeks and mine still didn't come in until FIVE days postpartum. But boy did it come in quick after that.  I literally went to bed feeling like myself, then woke up looking like a Tara Reid wannabe. My boobs were ROCK. HARD. and super lumpy from all of the swollen ducts. I was in tears it was so painful. Brian sent Teresa (my bff) to go pick me up a Breast Pump, I wasn't planning to get one for a while, but good gawd, was it a life saver. I only used it to withdraw enough to be comfortable, and I haven't had to use it since.
• Shoulders Down! Be sure to relax your body when feeding. Also make sure there is a pillow under the arm of the side you're feeding on.
• Don't give up. I promise it will go from feeling like razor blades on your nipples to a gentle tugging. It's definitely not an easy thing to master but the benefits for both you and baby are monumental. 

I have to say in some ways, it's nice to sort of have my body back. To be able to bend at the waist, sleep on my back, to not have to pee every 43 seconds, and not have a consistent back ache. But that stuff aside, I actually miss being pregnant. A lot. I miss my belly and having her with me all the time. Feeling kicks, and movement. It was so wonderful. Not that it trumps having her in my arms, but I really, REALLY enjoyed my pregnancy, and I think of it often. 


I want to take a second to thank all of you for your love and support throughout my journey to get pregnant, and finally coming home with an actual baby... I cannot imagine where my life would be without having known you and the advocacy of the IF community. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you...