I'm starting to rethink how long I will Breastfeed Leah. Which simultaneously makes me want to jump off a bridge. Because I feel like a quitter and a failure. While I know that’s technically not true I can’t help but reflect on how significantly being able to physically provide milk for my daughter effects my sense of self-worth. It's hard to quantify the amount of pride I feel from filling a little storage bag to the brim with wholesome milk that I know is for her. I look upon my stash of frozen bags of milk as though they were bars of gold. Not to mention how very much I love snuggling and being so close to her. Watching her suckle while her eyes slowly close. It makes me fall more and more in love with her.
Last weekend I met with a Lactation Consultant for the blister on my right nipple that just wouldn’t heal. Not only was there pain from the blister, but it started to hurt even when I wasn’t nursing. It was sore and throbbing, and would stay hard all the time. And it was so very painful. Then I started to suspect suspect thrush. And it got to the point where I was pumping every feeding instead of just nursing her.
The lactation consultant was very helpful, she watched Leah nurse and immediately saw the problem. Aside from Leah being incredibly easily distracted (which is very common at this age), she's been doing this thing where she pulls her neck back then pushes against me with her hands and legs at the same time. Which results in a shallow latch. Which causes in a blister. Which leads to a clogged duct. And this has been going on WEEKLY since she was about six months. So for the last three months straight I have been dealing with blisters that would develop only days after the last one healed. And now? Well now she has teeth. And I've been bitten several times. I've read up on how to handle biting, but it's hard to react in a controlled manner when you're caught off guard and then bitten on an already very tender spot. This is the suggestion: "If baby bites, it can be very effective to calmly remove baby from the breast and say nothing (or perhaps make a calm comment like “oh? don’t want to nurse right now?”), then end the nursing session for a bit." Umm, my reaction is no where near as graceful. It's typically a yelp or gasp and it takes everything I have to remember not to pull away without breaking her latch first. There are behaviors to look for that typically happen before a bite, and sweet Jesus, can I tell you I look for them. But it happens anyway. Usually before my letdown when she seems vaguely annoyed by how much more work nursing is compared to how easy the flow is with her sippy cup. She can pound five ounces of milk from her sippy cup in like two and a half minutes...
The lactation consultant gave me similar advice for bitting but said the pushing away is a lot harder to break, and isn't always something that can be corrected. I love nursing her so much, and had truthfully planned to nurse until about 18 months. But it's just so fricken painful and pumping all the time is exhausting. And inconvenient.
I was able to get a prescription for APNO, which is All Purpose Nipple Ointment. It has components that help heal wounds, and an anti-fungal to help prevent yeast issues (thrush). Because when you have a wound you are much more susceptible to thrush, especially when you are wearing a bra all day and even one at night - warm, dark, moist places and all. The APNO has made a huge difference, and while I am not completely healed, I am MUCH more comfortable. And I am nursing her again, but also pumping. Though my supply has dropped a bit. I'm just feeling so conflicted. Because I want to keep nursing, so much. I really do love it. But the physical pain and frustration of her behaviors just feel like they are becoming too much to bear. And I don't want to be frustrated with her... And I have to wonder if my want for this connection (which isn't really there much anymore) is truly only torturing us both.
Man, I did not see this coming.
13 comments:
Ugh, you are NOT a big fat failure at all. I've been going back and forth on this myself - we haven't had nearly the issues that you have had, but Stella is doing that same thing where she pushes off of me with her arms and legs (I have to move her position so that her legs are wrapped around my side and I can hold her closer so she can't kick off of me)...and there have been a couple of bites, and ya, no way was I graceful about it. More like FUCK child! :( Oops. I really do love BFing though, and I'm hoping to make it for a year so we don't have to buy formula. We shall see.
Breastfeeding is an amazing gift that you have been giving her. Don't feel like a failure if you have to stop sooner than you imagined--you have done it longer than many and it's really what is about what is best for both of you at this point. Kids survive well on formula (just look at mine--went from being undernourished to extremely healthy and they have never had ONE cold or illness after getting here and that was on formula) so don't feel bad if you go this route.
Hang in there!
I think I understand how you feel. We have been through both thrush and biting, and I thought i would have to quit nursing because of both, but I'm so glad I didn't.
Anyway, regarding the biting, my daughter bit me several times, drawing blood more than once. What finally worked was pushing her face into my breast hard when she bit me. I was also hyper-vigilant (stopped net surfing for a while) and pulled her off if I saw the signs. Pushing her face in really helps though.
Thrush is a nightmare and I really hope it does not happen to you. If you think you're high risk, I suggest not wearing a bra at night. I thought I needed a bra at night, but you can get used to not wearing it. Use new nursing pads at every nursing session. Don't leave damp nursing pads on your breast for more than a few minutes.
Good luck!
Ugh so sorry for the decision you are facing!! I can relate somewhat because it was such an emotionally difficult decision for me to start supplementing with formula. Mostly it was for his health and weight gain, but there was a lot of frustration for both of us as he constantly pulled off, screamed, and even refused to nurse sometimes. Giving him formula after some nursing sessions has made him a much calmer nurser, and we are both happier. Not saying you should or shouldn't stop breast feeding, I'm just relating to both sides of the emotional situation. It's just plain tough when things dont go as you'd expect (I never thought I would need formula)!!
I don't hear anything that remotely resembles failure!
Whatever you decide, you should be proud of the hard work and efforts to nurse... it is not easy!
I said "done" at 8 months and don't regret what we accomplished or that it was just time to stop for our situation. Good luck!
Sister, I am with you.
I struggled to breastfeed. For a whole month I pumped, so at least he got the milk. Finally I got it right, and I also continued to supplement with formula. Then I went over to exclusive BF. Do not give up! Just keep plodding on. I still have times when he "latches and detaches" and it drives me mad, but normally its for a reason that something else is wrong e.g. nappy or he isn't hungry. Hard to believe, right, but now at 3 months things are getting more spaced out.
Just do whatever is going to work for you. I also used a lactation consultant 3 times which did help a bit, but it also helped to watch videos on latching (Tina Smilie method of letting him kind of bop down by himself worked at one stage - search on you tube).
BF is the hardest thing so don't be hard on yourself, just do whatever will work for you.
You are not a failure.....as some one who failed miserably at breast feeding I can assure you you are not a failure. I had to make the decision to stop trying to breast feed because it was doing more damage to my daughter and I than to keep trying. I was devastated and felt like a failure, but I became a pump dependent mom and am still working of my frozen stash. Right now she is getting a mixture of formula and my frozen milk. She is thriving.
It is a horrible place to be, but you have to do what is right for you. I will forever feel like I failed my daughter & missed out on that special bonding. But she is happy and healthy so I must have done something right,
Good luck with your choice....
Hi! I found you through the PAIL blog. I'm adding you to my reader now : )
I also love breastfeeding and have a (probably unhealthy) intense attachment to my milk. I plan to nurse as long as I can, before we want to start TTC for another baby.
However, we have to remember that breastfeeding should be mutually beneficial for mom and baby. Some things (like the first few weeks) you need to "get through" in order to see the other side. If you've been suffering for three months, that's a third of your breastfeeding experience.
Give yourself permission to keep going, and permission to stop. You will know what is right, I think, when the time comes. Don't allow judgment and guilt to play any role in this decision.
That's my advice : )
I love what Lulu said regarding giving yourself permission to do either.
You are an awesome mama. Know that.
Visiting from PAIL and I am in the "I nursed because I felt rather guilted into it" camp, and then the "oh sheesh, we can't afford formula, better not screw up this nursing thing" camp. From this place of rather successful (but also not my favorite thing) nursing to a year, totally let go of the guilt. Raising a baby is wicked hard and you shouldn't torture yourself to do it. I like the idea of a nursing relationship, and like any relationship, if it isn't working for you both, it's time to either change it or let it go. I got bit once and hollered at the kid (a very loud OUCH! actually) and she didn't do it again, so I'm no help for biting or pushing off, but you'll know what's best to do for you all. I'm not sure I said it enough, but let go of the guilt. Really. I mean it. Let it go! All we can do is our best, and being miserable isn't what's best for you. No mommy martyrs.
I definitely don't think of you as failing, you're rocking it! From talking with a lactation consultant, to keeping it going with a pump, to allowing yourself to quit - seriously, you're doing amazing. Breastfeeding does weird things to your mind, and when it doesn't go perfectly, all too often it hurts our self-confidence. At least it did to me. But once I figured out that I'm more mama than just boobies, I started to feel a little better. Hang in there!!!
It sounds to me (and everyone else in the comments from what I can tell) that you are doing an amazing job and should be so proud of how far you have already made it on your breastfeeding journey. I am like you... I LOVE breastfeeding and hope to breastfeed Alidia until she is at least 12 to 18 months... but that is just what I would 'like', certainly not guaranteed or anything I will let myself get too upset over if it doesn't happen. I've made it 8 months and am already very happy about that... as you should be!! Alidia too has just started bitiing! Eek... I will definitely try the tips you shared and others in the comments. She is also easily distracted and pulling away with nipple in her mouth. Ugg.. hope I can nip these things in the bud quickly! Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do! :)
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