A Tale of Two Tata's

I'm starting to rethink how long I will Breastfeed Leah. Which simultaneously makes me want to jump off a bridge. Because I feel like a quitter and a failure. While I know that’s technically not true I can’t help but reflect on how significantly being able to physically provide milk for my daughter effects my sense of self-worth. It's hard to quantify the amount of pride I feel from filling a little storage bag to the brim with wholesome milk that I know is for her.  I look upon my stash of frozen bags of milk as though they were bars of gold. Not to mention how very much I love snuggling and being so close to her. Watching her suckle while her eyes slowly close.  It makes me fall more and more in love with her.

Last weekend I met with a Lactation Consultant for the blister on my right nipple that just wouldn’t heal. Not only was there pain from the blister, but it started to hurt even when I wasn’t nursing. It was sore and throbbing, and would stay hard all the time. And it was so very painful. Then I started to suspect suspect thrush. And it got to the point where I was pumping every feeding instead of just nursing her. 

The lactation consultant was very helpful, she watched Leah nurse and immediately saw the problem. Aside from Leah being incredibly easily distracted (which is very common at this age), she's been doing this thing where she pulls her neck back then pushes against me with her hands and legs at the same time. Which results in a shallow latch. Which causes in a blister. Which leads to a clogged duct. And this has been going on WEEKLY since she was about six months. So for the last three months straight I have been dealing with blisters that would develop only days after the last one healed. And now? Well now she has teeth. And I've been bitten several times. I've read up on how to handle biting, but it's hard to react in a controlled manner when you're caught off guard and then bitten on an already very tender spot. This is the suggestion: "If baby bites, it can be very effective to calmly remove baby from the breast and say nothing (or perhaps make a calm comment like “oh? don’t want to nurse right now?”), then end the nursing session for a bit."  Umm, my reaction is no where near as graceful. It's typically a yelp or gasp and it takes everything I have to remember not to pull away without breaking her latch first. There are behaviors to look for that typically happen before a bite, and sweet Jesus, can I tell you I look for them. But it happens anyway. Usually before my letdown when she seems vaguely annoyed by how much more work nursing is compared to how easy the flow is with her sippy cup. She can pound five ounces of milk from her sippy cup in like two and a half minutes... 

The lactation consultant gave me similar advice for bitting but said the pushing away is a lot harder to break, and isn't always something that can be corrected.  I love nursing her so much, and had truthfully planned to nurse until about 18 months. But it's just so fricken painful and pumping all the time is exhausting. And inconvenient. 

I was able to get a prescription for APNO, which is All Purpose Nipple Ointment. It has components that help heal wounds, and an anti-fungal to help prevent yeast issues (thrush). Because when you have a wound you are much more susceptible to thrush, especially when you are wearing a bra all day and even one at night - warm, dark, moist places and all. The APNO has made a huge difference, and while I am not completely healed, I am MUCH more comfortable. And I am nursing her again, but also pumping. Though my supply has dropped a bit.  I'm just feeling so conflicted. Because I want to keep nursing, so much. I really do love it. But the physical pain and frustration of her behaviors just feel like they are becoming too much to bear. And I don't want to be frustrated with her... And I have to wonder if my want for this connection (which isn't really there much anymore) is truly only torturing us both.  

Man, I did not see this coming. 

Because One Wasn't Enough

I got to see another negative pregnancy test this morning.

You see, AF still hasn't shown. I stopped my progesterone on Saturday; for the last two cycles it only took her a day and a half to show. And I've still been experiencing those mysterious cramps, only to a higher degree. My lower back cramps actually woke me up the night before. Because they were so persistent, and so intense, on top of the fact that I rarely ever have them AND my period was still MIA, gave me the tiniest glimmer of hope. What if I'm one of those weird phenomenons who don't get a positive test at 14dpiui, or what if the test was faulty??? I thought. When I should have known better that her absence was yet another cruel joke.

Last night during my brief spell of hope, I battered myself with the what ifs. I chastised myself for drinking caffeine, and alcohol before AF actually showed as proof that this cycle was a bust. Again. But alas it was all for nothing. AGAIN. I don't have to refer to Drgoogle to find out what happens when if you stop taking your progesterone in early pregnancy. I'll continue to wear a panty liner, and expect her appearance each time I head to the ladies room. Gosh if I'm lucky she'll show up on Friday.

MERRY CHRISTMAS Melissa!

Love,

Your empty uterus.

Over and Out

I really don't even know where to begin. Welcome ICLWer's. I guess that's a start. We just finished our 6th dIUI cycle, with not one single positive test to show for it. The first three cycles were natural. The last three were with Letrozole/Femara and Prometrium. I'm truly shocked that this last one didn't work. Although the timing wasn't perfect I'd had some really significant cramping about four days before I tested and was fairly convinced it was from implantation - because I rarely ever have cramps, maybe once or twice a year. So not only were my hopes incredibly high from having a new/different symptom, but there was a lot riding on it because this was our last chance for a 2010 baby. Since we've been cycling for much longer than we anticipated, it's cost us much more than we were prepared for (financially and otherwise). And now we're forced to take a break to pay off some debt and save up for the next round.

Initially I was devastated at the thought of not being able to cycle, but with this last blow I find myself exhausted and looking forward to a lull. I can't believe I'm saying that but it's true. I'm just so tired of all this. Six months of cycling is a lot, and it's taken it's toll - on my mind, my body and my marriage. While I'm looking forward to taking the next few months to reconnect with my husband, and myself. In the back of my mind I'm still heartbroken at the idea of knowing my chances of getting pregnant in the next few months are less than 1%. Please don't give me any miracle stories, I'm just not up for it.

I'm sorry this post is such a downer and not typical of the welcome I prefer to give to during ICLW, but it's all I could muster. Hopefully if you make it by next month I'll be in a better place.

I also want to thank all my regulars (whom I really consider to be friends) for your very sweet and thoughtful comments on my results post. Your support and sympathy was overwhelming and I feel incredibly lucky and grateful that you all cared so much to leave me a virtual hug. Thank you.

Guess Who Thinks She Knows More Than Her RE?

I DO! I DO! I DO! Alright, hear me out. I got a comment on my last post that got me thinking. A lot. "The one thing my RE has stressed throughout this long process... is that each cycle helps them learn more about how your body works. As hard as it is to realize, each failure helps them fine-tune things the next time. " (Thanks Jo!) Not once has Dr. RAWKS questioned me about the intricacies of my cycle, (LIKE HOW LONG IT TAKES ME TO OVULATE AFTER AN HCG TRIGGER!!!!) other than what he has seen from my test results. The more I think about it the more I think that the timing of my IUI's has been way off. And I feel like I've been treated by statistical standards. Furthermore I decree that Dr. "RAWKS" is hereby demoted to Dr. Capableoffindingmycervix.

Lemme break it down:

• Frozen sperm lasts about 12-24 hours after it is defrosted. I know, it's astoundingly less than fresh sperm. (I was able to find this info from several sources online, not once have I heard this from my clinic. I thought it would have been closer to a couple of days)
• I ovulate 36+ hours after my Hcg trigger shot. I get the mittleschmertz, so I feel a lot of pressure before I ovulate.
• My last two IUI's have been exactly 24 hours after my trigger.
• Which means by the time I actually ovulate a good portion of the sperm is probably already DEAD.
• I happened to see on TWO other local IF Clinic's websites that the clinics do IUI's closer to 36-40 hours after the trigger. WTF?!

Okay, I know I must seem like I'm grasping at straws to find some possible explanation as to why I still haven't gotten pregnant, but the things I listed above are completely factual. So now I'm left with more frustration over the coulda, woulda, shoulda's. I should have put two and two together a lot sooner, but wouldn't it have been Dr. Rawks' responsibility to follow up with me regarding each mundane detail so that we could "fine-tune" the protocol on our next cycle?! I'm not as mad at him as I am myself. I should have done more research about the longevity of the sperm and sooner. I should have spoken up about the tiny details of my cycle and wanting to be more aggressive with treatments. I could have saved Brian and I a lot of time, heartache, and money.

We have one vial left, and I plan to use it in about two weeks, so there won't be enough time to find a new RE by then. But if things don't work out again next month I can safely say that we will spend the month of January shopping for a new RE. It kinda makes me sad to say that. I do actually like him, he has a fantastic bedside manner, and is incredibly gentle, ahem, down there. But I hate that I haven't gotten the slightest inquiry from him during my FIVE failed cycles. For so long I kept chalking it up to my odds just being low each cycle... But now I think I've kinda been screwed by the lack of attention on my RE's part.

So here's the new plan:

I called this weekend to request an increase in my dosage of Letrozole. The nurse I spoke to said they rarely do that, and Dr. Capableoffindingmycervix is on vacation this week. Which means it's pretty unlikely that another Dr. will trump his orders. So I might have to fight for it. When I go in for my follie check, probably Dec 6th. I'm going to insist that I trigger that night at home and come in 36 hours later. Instead of triggering after my u/s and coming in the next morning. Who the fuck knows if it'll work, but at least I'll feel better knowing that I've done what I can.

P.S. I'd love to hear about your IUI protocol.

Nope: The ICLW Edition

Hello there folks! Welcome to my blog. I've been sleeping with an HPT under my pillow for what seems like a fricken ETERNITY but is actually just over two years now. My husband and I were diagnosed with severe MFI in December 2008. (Almost our crapiversary!) After that we spent a very long time planning our next move and decided to go on to Donor Insemination - Which is not going very well at all. Not the donor part, but the insemination and me actually getting pregnant part.

I found out this morning that our 5th dIUI cycle failed. FIFTH! I still have the damn lopsided First Response test sitting next to me. I'm glaring at it, but nothing is changing in that little window - there's something my hormones can't scare into submission.

I can't fucking believe it didn't work AGAIN.

A little more history - Supposedly there is nothing "wrong" with me. "You'll be pregnant in no time" said my RE, and I believed him! So we started with three natural IUI's- back to back and OPK monitored. The last two have been with Letrozole/Femara and Prometrium. My body has responded well, getting two follicles from each round of meds, but still nothing. Neither myself, nor my RE have any idea why it hasn't worked so far, and it's really starting to piss me off. We plan to do one more cycle with Letrozole, then rob a bank so we can afford a more aggressive approach, because the last 5 cycles have damn near sucked us dry. Okay, FINE, actually we're going to do one more cycle then take a break to save up some cash. Then we'll likely move on to injectables.

Sorry for all of the rambling. If you are interested in a more DI related post you can read this one. It covers a lot. Well I look forward to reading all of your blogs, thanks for stopping by!

My Great Escape

Have I ever told you how much I love and depend on music? There are several specific albums that have gotten me through pivotal times throughout my life, and I always think of them as old friends. I've mentioned it before, but when I get into a new album I listen to it incessantly. Literally, for weeks a time. I dissect the composition and lyrics of each song carefully and usually end up applying the words to some part of my life, which inevitably makes the song even more dear to my heart.

After my very early, and very crappy morning Saturday. I decided to get up and keep myself busy. I was still devastated, but I just wouldn't allow myself to stay in bed and wallow all day. We had plans that night. We were going to a concert. Actually it was a benefit concert for children with severe disabilities, and it always has an impressive line up. This year: She.ryl Crow, Chri.s Martin (from Cold.play), Jimmy Buff.ett, and No Do.ubt. It's completely acoustic, and absolutely fantastic. We went with some friends of ours, who know about our situation, but not about this blog. I told Brian in the car that under no circumstances did I want to discuss the earlier events of the day. He agreed, and we were on our way. It was the perfect evening for an outdoor concert, and the five beers that I ingested helped move things right along. (Which, btw, those five beers? Totalled more than I've had to drink in the last five months combined). It was so great to have something else to think of, to enjoy a night with no heartache, no looming appointments, or medications. I had escaped it all.

That is until this morning when the reality set back in. It failed, again. I have to do all this crap again next month. Fuck.

Saturday morning I cried harder than I have in a very long time. And my wonderful husband was right there with me. Held me and commiserated, and wiped away my tears. This sucks, and it's not fair. It's getting harder financially as well. These IUI's cost about as much as our mortgage, and we hadn't really planned on needing more than 3 of them. So we decided together that if the next two don't work then we'll need to take some time off, and save up for the next round. God, I hope it doesn't come to that. I know that in the grand scheme of things, four IUI's isn't that many. Especially since three of them were undmedicated. We had about the same odds as a normal couple would've. It's just hard to accept that when I know we're doing everything right, and the circumstances (supposedly) couldn't be better- blah, blah, blah...

Annnnnd no joke, AF just showed this very minute. I was about to ask how long it takes the bitch to show after stopping the Prome.trium, and BAM. Man, I hate her.

Anyway, I want to thank you for all of your incredibly supportive comments. I've been rereading them all for the past few days, and they continue to be very comforting. Hugs.

Nope.

I can't even begin to express my sadness and frustration. I don't know how fucking much more disappointment I can take. We are swiftly running out of emotional and financial resources to continue doing this. I feel helpless.

How could it be negative?

We had every odd in our favor. I had two giant follicles, perfect timing, and a decent motile count.

I'm so infuriated.

So defeated.

Nope.

If I had published this morning when AF showed, this would be a very different post.

I was furious. I was defeated. I was crushed. Again. I wanted to yell at someone. I wanted to scream at Dr. Rawks because he told me I'd be pregnant by now, and I believed him. You're young. Your lining looks great. Your periods are regular. Natural cycles will be just fine. I'm taking all my supplements, and doing acupuncture. My blood tests are flawless. Our timing has been perfect. I'M DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT PREGNANT YET?!?!

But it was a different story when the good doctor called me back. He sounded genuinely disappointed. He understood my frustration. He thinks we should move forward with meds too. Unfortunately we can't do injectables just yet. We need to take a class to learn how to administer them, and I'd have to start on the medication tomorrow. So he's putting me on Letrozole, which is like clomid but supposedly has less side effects. I'll have an ultrasound on October 6th, to check the progress and see how many follicles look ready. If they seem large enough I may not need to use Ovidrel to trigger. In addition I will start OPK's on October 4th, just in case. He said it's possible that they could get large enough for me to ovulate on my own. But to plan on using Ovidrel. Then I'll go in for a single IUI. And finish off this cycle with Prometrium suppositories. Fun.

So now instead of fury, I at least feel content with our new plan. And I feel even better knowing I'll get to hang out with an amazing group of ladies from the IF community tonight. I was lucky enough to have lunch with the lovely, hilarious and talented Meg. a few weeks ago. And I'm grateful that she's invited me out to spend a little quality time with some other women who know what it's like. I could really use that tonight. Thank you so much Meg. See you soon.

Out of My Hands

Raise your hand if you've been lapped by The Duggars more than once. You have GOT to be fucking kidding me.

Anyway, back to me and my bad attitude. Boo to round two!!! Third time better fucking be the charm, is all I'm sayin'. So contrary to the sad, sad picture I posted of Parker, I'm actually pretty pissed off. But the kind of pissed off that builds into sheer drive. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing I suppose, all of our laundry is done. Brian should be thrilled about that. But what do I do with this extra motivation? If motivation were enough to get me pregnant I'd be keeping pace with the Duggar's by now. The reality is I don't have any control of the outcome of my next IUI.

The moment I found out it didn't work I decided to create a new plan. I'm going to loose some weight! I proclaimed. I'll skip this cycle and shed what I can in the next six weeks! After I posted the results of my Big FAT Failure 2.0, I got a phone call from Teresa to see how I was doing. I told her I was frustrated, but that I had devised a plan. This is where she eloquently and ever-so-gently pointed out that, my "new plan" was actually my "new way of coping". I was trying to take control of something in this situation.

I had my first acupuncture appointment this morning since CD1. Ms. B looked at me with empathy and said, "Well you didn't expect to be one of those lucky bitches who gets it on the first try, did you?" I quickly reminded her that this was my second try and she succinctly blurted out "THIRD TIMES THE CHARM!" with a smile and patted the table. She'd better be right. Ms. B told me it couldn't hurt to loose a few pounds, but that my specific weight will not prevent me from getting pregnant. I don't need to skip a cycle to watch my diet, but nothing drastic. No crash diets, no death defying workout plans. I realize she is not my RE, but I still trust her opinion. So she plans to be a little more aggressive with this next cycle. I don't actually know how much more aggressive you can really be with acupuncture, but again... I trust her opinion. I'll begin a new vitamin and herbal suppliment regimen. She also doesn't think I should try a cycle with clomid, or injectables just yet. She says my body is doing the work, we're just waiting for the fireworks to happen.

Dr. RAWKS did tell us it would take up to six tries (gulp). I'm just so tired of waiting. I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE. I've waited long enough! Haven't we all? I don't want to skip a cycle, and neither does Brian. We're going to move ahead this month. We won't be changing up the protocol much. My body is doing what it is supposed to. Now if only that fucking egg and sperm will do what it's supposed to!!!

On that note. Here is a picture that better represents Parker.

Our Monkey-dog in all of his cantankerous splendor.

My Big Fat Failure

I've gone back and fourth between feeling numb and overwhelmingly disappointed. Although today is a little better. The wound is still fresh so I am feeling pretty hopeless. I feel like this year has gone by so fast and that we are going to have to endure another holiday season with nothing to look forward to. Ugh. Halloween will be here before you know it. I of course have been thinking about what I could have done differently... Should I have tried harder to loose a few pounds? Are we wasting our time with IUI's? Should I ask for Clomid to increase our chances? If it doesn't work this time, where is the closest bridge I can jump off? Etc... (KIDDING) I am just so tired of all of this. I'm tired of feeling jealous of my pregnant IRL friends. I'm tired of feeling like it is never going to happen. I'm just plain exhausted from feeling sad. When is this all going to be a distant painful memory instead of what I wake up to every morning? I am completely aware that it doesn't always work on the first try. And I'm sure my complaint sounds paltry after only one failure, but it sucks nonetheless. Dr. Rawks even said it would probably take a few tries. But damn it. I just got over the DI hurdle and was starting to feel a little more normal. Now I have a failed cycle to kick my teeth in.

I don't blame myself for over analyzing my symptoms, I still cannot recall a time when my "girls" hurt as much as they did last week. In fact they still hurt, which is weird. They normally feel better after I get my period. And spotting consistently for two days before a period is not normal either. I have had a hint of spotting the day before, but not all day for two days in a row. Note to self for next month: STOP DISSECTING SYMPTOMS, IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU.

So during this week I have been avoiding personal emails, forums, and blogs at work. I've had to stay focused on work during my lunch to keep from losing it at my desk. Fortunately this week was busy. One of the things I am responsible for is the company newsletters that go in with the paychecks. In every newsletter there is a famous quote. This month's quote:

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"

-Franklin D. Roosevelt