I've gone back and fourth between feeling numb and overwhelmingly disappointed. Although today is a little better. The wound is still fresh so I am feeling pretty hopeless. I feel like this year has gone by so fast and that we are going to have to endure another holiday season with nothing to look forward to. Ugh. Halloween will be here before you know it. I of course have been thinking about what I could have done differently... Should I have tried harder to loose a few pounds? Are we wasting our time with IUI's? Should I ask for Clomid to increase our chances? If it doesn't work this time, where is the closest bridge I can jump off? Etc... (KIDDING) I am just so tired of all of this. I'm tired of feeling jealous of my pregnant IRL friends. I'm tired of feeling like it is never going to happen. I'm just plain exhausted from feeling sad. When is this all going to be a distant painful memory instead of what I wake up to every morning? I am completely aware that it doesn't always work on the first try. And I'm sure my complaint sounds paltry after only one failure, but it sucks nonetheless. Dr. Rawks even said it would probably take a few tries. But damn it. I just got over the DI hurdle and was starting to feel a little more normal. Now I have a failed cycle to kick my teeth in.
I don't blame myself for over analyzing my symptoms, I still cannot recall a time when my "girls" hurt as much as they did last week. In fact they still hurt, which is weird. They normally feel better after I get my period. And spotting consistently for two days before a period is not normal either. I have had a hint of spotting the day before, but not all day for two days in a row. Note to self for next month: STOP DISSECTING SYMPTOMS, IT'S GOING TO KILL YOU.
So during this week I have been avoiding personal emails, forums, and blogs at work. I've had to stay focused on work during my lunch to keep from losing it at my desk. Fortunately this week was busy. One of the things I am responsible for is the company newsletters that go in with the paychecks. In every newsletter there is a famous quote. This month's quote:
"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"
-Franklin D. Roosevelt
8 comments:
I know what you mean about the impending holiday season and the emptiness it brings. I was supposed to be due a couple days after Thanksgiving, so I told my family that we won't be celebrating the holiday this year. My husband and I are going to take a trip to Vegas instead. Screw tradition.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now. I know how difficult it is to not analyze every little symptom and I feel like it's impossible not to overthink all of this.
Here with you, for you.
I feel that way too sometimes. It is a vicious cycle. I wish none of us had to go through this!!
Thinking of you!
I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. I understand how you feel, the emptiness, the jealousy, the despair. Sometimes it feels like this is my state of being, something that has become a part of me and my personality. I know you are in a dark place right now. I wish above anything else that you'll feel better really soon and maybe get to the point of excitement about your next cycle. I know it will take time, but I'll be here for you if need a shoulder. Know I care about you and think of you often.
((HUGS)) Melissa. I missed you and I've been hoping you were doing ok. I know it is easier said than done, but try to force those what if's out of your head- it is what it is. And next time will be better. Do what you need to do to make it through this. Know that I care about you. A lot.
Great quote. I'm sorry to read about your BFN. I've been away for a while and was so hoping I'd come back to good news for you. I understand the sadness, the crushing disappointment, the total despair - it is all consuming. Just remember we're all here for you, you're not alone. And don't beat yourself up about over-analyzing symptoms, we all do it, no matter how many times we say that we won't. Thinking of you and sending a giant hug. xx
I'm so sorry about AF's arrival. Don't beat yourself up for overanalysis of symptoms. It's impossible to not obsess about every little feeling and twinge! We are all in the same boat, and I hope I can be as supportive to you as you have been to me. Hang in there..
Just wanted to say congrats, I've awarded you the "One Lovely Blog Award." Come to my blog to get your award.
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