This is me: not panicking...

Brian and I have resolved to not "try" anymore... No we're not giving up, it's my latest attempt at rescuing my sanity. At least that is how Brian explained it to me. So basically I'm not going to use ovulation kits for a while. I know the approximate time line of when I'm going to ovulate so I'm just going to live with that. While I took time off last month because of the medication I was on I realized I was still not as relaxed as I thought I was...It was so nice not to have to test or check the calendar or basically try. 

While we were on vacation in Tahoe last month during my "time off" I spilled my guts as to the desperation I felt around this time of the month. I told him how everything reminded me of the fact that a deadline was coming. Between counting the days and calculating the best times to have "fun" and using my ovulation tests twice per day for anywhere from three to five days, and reminding myself not to drink as much water so that the test would be accurate, and when I didn't ovulate on my regular date I would get more and more agitated as I received negative test after negative test... Basically testing was exacerbating my already neurotic habits. I know how many posts I've made about being all done with the crazy and not stressing anymore, but the thing is I don't always see it as stress. I see it as planning... And actually I am able to identify it in other situations that require a lot of planning or forethought. So anyway the last few weeks have been pretty good and pretty much any time getting pregnant popped into my tiny brain I just shrug it off and move on to singing the latest Jason Mraz song that I won't outwardly admit to liking. Taking last month off was really good for me, no plotting, no planning, no calculating. Until lunch today...

It started innocently enough. I jumped into my Outlook Calendar at work to make a change in my schedule and I noticed that single appointment with a lower case o, which signifies potential ovulation. I knew it was coming up but I hadn't paid too much attention to the actual date it might be. Well then I thought about what dates Brian and I had recently had "fun" and comparing it to the date when I might ovulate and when and when the next time we should have fun will be. And then then muscles in my lower back started to tighten and my thoughts started to race, and then my vision started to dim and and the room was spinning, and not in a good way. Holy shit. So I took a deep breathe, closed my calendar and walked away from my computer. Man that was a close one. So fortunately because of my momentary clarity I was able to recognize the panic that almost consumed me.

Well now that I have had my little set back and regained my clarity; I am back to relaxing. And by Wednesday night around 6:32 I will be REALLY relaxed because Brian is making me get a massage. What a wonderful Husband I have.

Sticking A Fork In The Baby Making Road

What if I never know what its like to see that second line on a home pregnancy test? What if we can never have kids?

I have recently been reading other women's blogs about TTC. Most of them are much further into the journey than I am. Most of them are talking about fertility treatments that include pills, shots, creams, and even surgery. Most of them have been trying for years and have spent thousands of dollars and still haven't gotten pregnant.

What if we don't want to go that far? What we don't want to adopt?

I feel like we have been through so much in the last year. But in comparison to the heartache that some couples have been through, we ain't seen nothin' yet. I feel like this really may not happen for us. And it's not sadness talking, but maybe a kind of resolve. Like I am coming to terms with the fact that it may not be in the cards for us. I feel like the time is closing in on what kind of discussions we need to start having together then with our families. I hate that two weeks ago I was ready to break down the doors of the first Fertility Clinic I found and jump into their stirrups, and now. Well now I don't know if I want to deal with any of that. Part of me wants to just find out if we can or not. But then I think about the people who didn't take that route. I have one friend who tried for two years then finally got pregnant - with no medical intervention. We have some friends who tried for nine years and some who tried for thirteen and finally got their baby... Do I want to hang on that long? I don't know.

What we will spend our double incomes on? What sort of exotic vacations are in store for us?

That probably sounds insensitive right? Well what if I'm feeling insensitive?! Haven't I earned the right to be sarcastic and cold?

I was five days late this month. FIVE. I have never been that late. I took at test last night and it was negative. Then I got my period this afternoon. We technically took last month off because of the medication I had to take for that rash. Brian and I were still careful and didn't "try". But lets just say our method was not exactly bomb proof. So when I was late this week I was all: NO WAY! Are you kidding me? That would be just like us to get it right when we were trying to get it wrong! But we didn't... And that medication? Well it fucked me all up. It gave me such bad vertigo I was afraid to drive. And Sunday I had such strong fatigue that I barely got out of bed all day. It felt like the time I had carbon monoxide poisoning. Ugh. Where do we go from here?

Nope.

UGH.

Change of Heart

Okay so I never ended up making an appointment with the Fertility Clinic. I think I might hold off a bit. Plus we can both get the first round of tests done by my primary doctor. So I don't quite feel the same need to set up an appointment. Guess it was just a bad day. Not that I am changing my mind completely, just that I think I can wait a couple more months. We'll see I might change my mind again in a couple of days. Who knows.