This is me: not panicking...

Brian and I have resolved to not "try" anymore... No we're not giving up, it's my latest attempt at rescuing my sanity. At least that is how Brian explained it to me. So basically I'm not going to use ovulation kits for a while. I know the approximate time line of when I'm going to ovulate so I'm just going to live with that. While I took time off last month because of the medication I was on I realized I was still not as relaxed as I thought I was...It was so nice not to have to test or check the calendar or basically try. 

While we were on vacation in Tahoe last month during my "time off" I spilled my guts as to the desperation I felt around this time of the month. I told him how everything reminded me of the fact that a deadline was coming. Between counting the days and calculating the best times to have "fun" and using my ovulation tests twice per day for anywhere from three to five days, and reminding myself not to drink as much water so that the test would be accurate, and when I didn't ovulate on my regular date I would get more and more agitated as I received negative test after negative test... Basically testing was exacerbating my already neurotic habits. I know how many posts I've made about being all done with the crazy and not stressing anymore, but the thing is I don't always see it as stress. I see it as planning... And actually I am able to identify it in other situations that require a lot of planning or forethought. So anyway the last few weeks have been pretty good and pretty much any time getting pregnant popped into my tiny brain I just shrug it off and move on to singing the latest Jason Mraz song that I won't outwardly admit to liking. Taking last month off was really good for me, no plotting, no planning, no calculating. Until lunch today...

It started innocently enough. I jumped into my Outlook Calendar at work to make a change in my schedule and I noticed that single appointment with a lower case o, which signifies potential ovulation. I knew it was coming up but I hadn't paid too much attention to the actual date it might be. Well then I thought about what dates Brian and I had recently had "fun" and comparing it to the date when I might ovulate and when and when the next time we should have fun will be. And then then muscles in my lower back started to tighten and my thoughts started to race, and then my vision started to dim and and the room was spinning, and not in a good way. Holy shit. So I took a deep breathe, closed my calendar and walked away from my computer. Man that was a close one. So fortunately because of my momentary clarity I was able to recognize the panic that almost consumed me.

Well now that I have had my little set back and regained my clarity; I am back to relaxing. And by Wednesday night around 6:32 I will be REALLY relaxed because Brian is making me get a massage. What a wonderful Husband I have.