What if I never know what its like to see that second line on a home pregnancy test? What if we can never have kids?
I have recently been reading other women's blogs about TTC. Most of them are much further into the journey than I am. Most of them are talking about fertility treatments that include pills, shots, creams, and even surgery. Most of them have been trying for years and have spent thousands of dollars and still haven't gotten pregnant.
What if we don't want to go that far? What we don't want to adopt?
I feel like we have been through so much in the last year. But in comparison to the heartache that some couples have been through, we ain't seen nothin' yet. I feel like this really may not happen for us. And it's not sadness talking, but maybe a kind of resolve. Like I am coming to terms with the fact that it may not be in the cards for us. I feel like the time is closing in on what kind of discussions we need to start having together then with our families. I hate that two weeks ago I was ready to break down the doors of the first Fertility Clinic I found and jump into their stirrups, and now. Well now I don't know if I want to deal with any of that. Part of me wants to just find out if we can or not. But then I think about the people who didn't take that route. I have one friend who tried for two years then finally got pregnant - with no medical intervention. We have some friends who tried for nine years and some who tried for thirteen and finally got their baby... Do I want to hang on that long? I don't know.
What we will spend our double incomes on? What sort of exotic vacations are in store for us?
That probably sounds insensitive right? Well what if I'm feeling insensitive?! Haven't I earned the right to be sarcastic and cold?
I was five days late this month. FIVE. I have never been that late. I took at test last night and it was negative. Then I got my period this afternoon. We technically took last month off because of the medication I had to take for that rash. Brian and I were still careful and didn't "try". But lets just say our method was not exactly bomb proof. So when I was late this week I was all: NO WAY! Are you kidding me? That would be just like us to get it right when we were trying to get it wrong! But we didn't... And that medication? Well it fucked me all up. It gave me such bad vertigo I was afraid to drive. And Sunday I had such strong fatigue that I barely got out of bed all day. It felt like the time I had carbon monoxide poisoning. Ugh. Where do we go from here?
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