I really don't even know where to begin. Welcome ICLWer's. I guess that's a start. We just finished our 6th dIUI cycle, with not one single positive test to show for it. The first three cycles were natural. The last three were with Letrozole/Femara and Prometrium. I'm truly shocked that this last one didn't work. Although the timing wasn't perfect I'd had some really significant cramping about four days before I tested and was fairly convinced it was from implantation - because I rarely ever have cramps, maybe once or twice a year. So not only were my hopes incredibly high from having a new/different symptom, but there was a lot riding on it because this was our last chance for a 2010 baby. Since we've been cycling for much longer than we anticipated, it's cost us much more than we were prepared for (financially and otherwise). And now we're forced to take a break to pay off some debt and save up for the next round.
Initially I was devastated at the thought of not being able to cycle, but with this last blow I find myself exhausted and looking forward to a lull. I can't believe I'm saying that but it's true. I'm just so tired of all this. Six months of cycling is a lot, and it's taken it's toll - on my mind, my body and my marriage. While I'm looking forward to taking the next few months to reconnect with my husband, and myself. In the back of my mind I'm still heartbroken at the idea of knowing my chances of getting pregnant in the next few months are less than 1%. Please don't give me any miracle stories, I'm just not up for it.
I'm sorry this post is such a downer and not typical of the welcome I prefer to give to during ICLW, but it's all I could muster. Hopefully if you make it by next month I'll be in a better place.
I also want to thank all my regulars (whom I really consider to be friends) for your very sweet and thoughtful comments on my results post. Your support and sympathy was overwhelming and I feel incredibly lucky and grateful that you all cared so much to leave me a virtual hug. Thank you.
24 comments:
I am sorry that you are feeling so down and out right now. Especially at such a time where your spirit should be high, but I do understand very well what you are feeling and going through. I can only say that hope never dies and I hope your dreams come true. Enjoy your vacation and I hope you'll have peace of mind during it.
Happy ICLW and {{HUGS}}
I am so sorry that this cycle didn't work out. I read a bit of your history, and it seems like you have been through a lot. I hope your TTC break is a good one and you can reconnect with your husband. I just started following your blog and am looking forward to hearing how your journey goes.
ICLW
Here from ICLW. SO sorry things didn't work out as you hoped they would. May 2010 be a time of reconnection and peace for you and your DH.
not going to do the whole aww thing, i am sending u a virtual batch of tripple chocolate chip brownies, an unlimited shopping spree to victoria's secret, and a case of wine, have fun reconnecting with hubby. i hope you feel better soon hun ;)
Melissa, I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't believe it didn't work either. My heart really goes out to you right now. I can only imagine how hard this is right now for you. I hate that you have to feel this disappointment and pain month after month. You deserve so much better. I hope that this lull will be what you need mentally. If anything, that you can enjoy yourself, your husband and other things in life that are not baby related. I love you so much and wish I could be there to give you a hug and cry with you.
Melissa, I'm so sorry I'm late on this (I haven't been on the computer much). I am so upset and frustrated for you. I just don't understand. I do agree that some time off to regroup (and save money) sounds like a good plan at this point. I wish there was something more I could say, but please know I am thinking of you.
Melissa, I am so sorry that I didn't see your post sooner, it's been a crazy weekend. I just don't understand it and I know nothing I can say will make it any less painful. I just hate this for you. I'm glad you are ok with taking a break to get your finances in order, in all honesty that's what we will be doing if this next one doesn't work. I hope that the holidays will give you some rest and a chance to regroup after having such a hard past few months. Know I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best. ((HUGS))
I am a IComLeavWe reader...and I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about your BFN. There are no words to describe the sadness that one test can bring with it. My DH and I just completed our first IUI cycle (after 2 IVF cycles). We are doing IUI until we get to IVF again this summer.
((HUGS))
sending more hugs your way ... hope you're hanging in there ...
Sending hugs and prayers your way. So sorry that this cycle didn't work out...
I don't know waht else to say except I am aorry. It really blows that we keep shelling out all this money and ending up with empty arms and pockets to show for it. Uggghhhh. Hopefully this year will be much kinder to us on the fertility front.
I too am sorry that this cycle did not work for you. I hope you are able to enjoy your few months of 'normal' while you reset things for another try. My journey was not as long as yours - but after my 2nd failed medicated IUI - we had a forced break as I was traveling out of the country. I very much appreciated a no-pressure, no expectations, no temping month. More than enjoying the break - I hope your baby is waiting for you as soon as you get to the other side.
Thinking about you.
It's so important that you take care of YOU. It is painful to step away from conscious, deliberate efforts with TTC (because even when it's a BFN, it still feels like you're doing *something*). But it's hard to take care of others and be there for others when you don't afford yourself the same TLC. I hope this break gives you just what you need. I'm wishing good things for you in 2010...
Happy holidays, and happy ICLW!
It's HARD getting off the TTC train when you've been so invested in it, but quite honestly, sometimes taking a break can be the very best thing. We basically stopped trying for a year while we focused on adoption, and just started cycling for real again about 3 months ago, and as hard as it is to still be trying, I do feel refreshed in a way and much more able to cope with it all than I was after two years of nonstop trying with only a miscarriage to show for it. I'm sorry you have to take a break, but I hope it's the "reset" you need, as I now feel it was for me (much as I worried about taking time off at the time!)
Hang in there. In the beginning of my ARTs, I was always ready to try and try and try, but after a while, I found that a break is very important - physically and emotionally. It's hard to wait, but your sanity will thank you for it.
I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work for you. I can't even imagine cycling for 6 months. You are a strong woman! I just finished an IVF cycle that was the most brutal thing I've ever experienced and am really reluctant to get back on that horse. I easing back into it with FET in January.
I hope the break provides you some perspective on things. Take care.
ICLW
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm not going to say what platitude I would normally say and that doesn't offer comfort except to me because I believe what I'm saying. So instead I'm just saying I'm sorry and I hope you feel better soon on the road to lullness.
Your pain resonates with me as I feel exactly the same way. We did our 6th IUI this month- the expense...the toll it takes physically...
Please don't apologize for feeling the way you do. We have enough to deal with without being hard on ourselves.
big hug via ICLW.
Hey. I'm glad that you are finding some comfort in the coming break. I totally agree with you about the taxing nature of the constant cycling.
here for iclw. Sorry you feel so lousy. From experience the break is so worth it. Even though it is tough I found it to be exactly what I needed to regroup. And, don't you hate it when your body plays tricks on you?!!!!
Wishing you the best for the coming year. Enjoy the quiet moments this holiday. Best, Frank
I'm a bit late on the update this cycle. I'm SO very sorry that I wasn't here on Saturday...and I'm so sorry that it was a BFN! I'm glad that you're feeling a bit of peace with the break, even though it's not without it's own struggle. (((HUGS)))
Hi, I've come to your blog through ICLW.
I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling low - it's to be expected. You'll pick yourself up soon enough, I'm sure.
Tio
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