Because I Made My Own Bed

Previous to falling face first in to what is certainly the most challenging period of my life, I had imagined growing old with the small group of close friends we kept.

Old and gray, with grandkids in our laps.

But things change. I’ve changed. And as our years in the realm of infertility have gone on, I have slowly removed myself from the bulk of what once was a close group of friends. They have kids now. And seeing them makes my heart ache in the worst possible way.

Infertility has greatly impacted every single one of my friendships. And more often than not, I’m sorry to say, it has been negative.

I’ll fully admit that 95% of the friendships that have waned are a direct result of my actions. I have chosen self-preservation over sucking it up and throwing on a smile at yet another friends baby shower, or baby’s birthday. Hell, I can barely even manage to keep my shit together during a simple dinner when children are present.

So I suppose it’s only natural that at some point, after so many declined invitations, said friends would stop inviting us to parties and or casual gatherings. And while I'm sure that their decision was not easy one to make, I can’t help but grieve the place where we used to be. And I struggle with whether it was wrong that they didn’t even bother to invite us, or if they actually did us a favor by letting us off the hook? But basically my choices are feeling bad about not going or feeling bad about not being invited. Nobody wins.

I have made a lot of truly incredible friends within the ALI community. Seriously, some exceptionally amazing people. And I wouldn’t trade those friendships for the old ones I had. But I hope to hell that if I ever get out of here, I might someday get them back.

2011 ICLW

Greetings ICLWer’s, and Happy 2011! Whether 2010 was your year or it sucked more than Sex and the City II, I’m sure you’re likely glad to see a new year come around.

As for me, I fall in the latter category but I have a sneaking suspicion 2011 is going to make up for that and the heinousness that was the last three and a half years. My husband and I have been ttc since the summer of 2007, and it’s been a whirlwind of heartbreak, desperation, and general ickiness. All of which I feel lucky enough to say has brought us infinitely closer. (Though 10 months of marriage counseling didn’t hurt either). We took most of 2010 off to recuperate emotionally and financially, you can read about our long drawn out history here, or check out the bullet point version in the timeline tab up above for time's sake.

On this very fine day, you should know that I am on day 6 of Lupron and took my last active BCP yesterday. All this for our very first (and very much hopefully LAST) IVF w/ ICSI cycle. Next Thursday I’ll start Follistim, Menopur and Dexamethasone. We’re looking at a potential retrieval date around February 6th -9th , and hoping for a day five transfer. Does anyone else feel like I should be telling you what altitude we’re flying at? Sorry if this intro was a little lackluster, I’m currently, and equally overwhelmed with excitement for our cycle and my job workload.

At any rate, Happy ICLW and thanks for stopping by!

December ICLW

Oh ICLW, you sneaky monkey - how could it possibly be the 21st ALREADY?! Sorry I was a bit un prepared, I'm days away from CD1 of our first IVF cycle and entirely absorbed/terrified/excited about it. This fall we started with a new RE, dubbed Dr.3, whom diagnosed me Ovulatory PCOS (different than Classic PCOS), Elevated TH1 & TH2, and Natural Killer Cells, and MTHFR (2 mutations of A1298C). I've been on Metformin, Folgard, Low Dose Aspirin, and prescription Prenatals since October. BCP's should be coming up right quick!

So here's a little (actually alotta) history:

My husband (35) and I (31) started TTC in the summer of 2007. I genuinely believed that we would get pregnant on the first try. Ha. Fourteen months later, we moved on to testing through my OBGYN's office which revealed a severe male factor. She promptly pointed us towards the RE who I now hate told us IVF w/ ICSI or Donor Sperm would be our only options. After MUCH deliberation we chose Donor over IVF, partially because it was the most financially attainable option (our insurance covers NOTHING for infertility, not even diagnostic testing) and because we were concerned about the implications of the severity of his diagnosis might mean for our future children.

Fast Forward to December 2009 when we completed our SIXTH and final DIUI. All of them left us with straight up BFN's and a fair amount of debt. Our RE at the time and the second opinion we got a month later were dumbfounded and couldn't explain why none of the IUI's worked because my charts looked so great. Umm yeah, neither of those doctors caught the OPCOS which is clearly evident in an u/s and with knowledge of the fact that my cycle is 30 days. And interestingly enough, neither of them test for immunological factors... But at least I have an answer now as to why none of the dIUI's worked.. Not that it's any consolation.

That brings us to January of this year, I'm not going to lie- I was a complete basket case. We decided to take the rest of the year off to focus on our marriage and restoring my mental health. By March we had decided to plan for IVF in 2011 - with my husbands sperm. In the mean time, we've been doing our best to appear somewhat normal to the rest of our friends and family.

So there you have it. I look forward to reading all of your blogs, and hope you enjoy the last ICLW of 2010!

November ICLW!

Each time I participate in ICLW I try to come up with some new-fangled concept for and intro. And today is no different! With that, I give you: Contributing factors in an Infertility Bloggers Life; via Bullet Point. Autobiographical.

1. An outlet of some sort became necessary approximately six months after we officially started trying, and my lovely husband couldn't understand why I cried alone in the bathroom every 31 days.
2. At that point I was still fairly certain that I'd see a positive pee stick in the very near future and shortly thereafter commence writing a wildly self-indulgent, and more than likely whiny pregnant-lady-type-blog.
3. Lingering only slightly in denial, we didn't have any testing done until after 14 months of trying.
4. A week before Christmas, 2008 we found out we had Severe Male Factor, and were instructed to go directly to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.
5. Before even seeing an RE, we promptly decided not to have children at all.
6. That resolution only lasted about two weeks.
7. Fast forward to now, and we are gearing up for our very first IVF cycle in January/February, though I'll likely be starting BCP's towards the end of December.
8. In an effort to circumvent my crying over MUCH spilled milk, you can read about my sordid past here. It gets down to the nitty gritty of exactly what happened from the time we were diagnosed, to the beginning of what would be a break in TTC, and ART for pretty much all of 2010.
9. The new RE we're seeing (referred to here as Dr.3) ran an obscenely comprehensive blood panel on me and it came back positive for MTHFR (two mutations of the A1298C gene, with a borderline homosteine level), Elevated TH1, TH2 and Natural Killer Cells. Awesomeness. Oh, and also Ovulatory PCOS - different than Classic PCOS - cause ya know - I'm an over achiever... Okay, not really.
10. None of the aforementioned diagnoses were ever found by my previous RE(s) because they don't believe in Immunological Disorders. Or paying close attention to Antra Follicle counts evidently, because the OPCOS is as clear as day on a baseline u/s, and should have been determined easily based on the knowledge of my 30+ day cycle.
11. I'm over the misdiagnosis - CLEARLY.
12. I know you have 742 other blogs to read and comment on, so I'll keep it brief and end it here; welcome you to my blog and thank you in advance for your comment, then tell you I look forward to reading all of your blogs as well. Oh, and if you're going to be cycling with IVF close to when I am, be sure to say so in your comment - I'd love to stalk you and compare Lupron induced rants notes!

Well, If They Don't Know...

I'd like to thank you all for your incredibly thoughtful and supportive comments on my last post particularly. I'm still digesting the information but I can see clearly enough now to know four things.

1. The ALI community is AH.MAZ.ING.

2. I'm grateful that these issues have been diagnosed now, and not after an IVF failure or miscarriage.

3. A big part of me feels like we had to go through the failures at our other clinic to get us to where we are now.

4. I'm perplexed. I really, really don't understand how certain controversial medical, and scientific theories are not actively proven either way. I understand the contentions behind the Big Bang theory, but in my uneducated opinion: that shit happened a long ass time ago, and there ain't much any of us can do about it until Doc Browns visions come to fruition in real life. But how is it that with all the technological advancements we have at our finger tips and with the issues in front of us now, that there is still room to argue about things like global warming, possible causes for autism, and immunology's impact on reproduction? I realize that it simply takes time to run proper experiments and compile evidence, and that it's not remotely as cut and dry as I'm thinking it should be. I know I probably sounds like a moron, but I guess my point is that I'm frustrated that there aren't any irrefutable answers. Yet.

Friday I had been emailing with a good friend and fellow blogger, Sarang about how frustrating it is that some doctors practice the immunological studies and some don't. (As was also pointed out by a comment in my last post, thanks LC). There are two MAJOR Universities near me that don't test for immunological disorders. During the second opinion we got at one of the universities, the distinguished RE we saw diplomatically told me that it was 'nonsense' when I brought it up. But just a few hours before that, the OBGYN who works closely with the RE I'm seeing now, told me that his miscarriage rate had dropped by almost 20% since he started following the preventative care methods based on the immunological disorders. i.e. the IVig, and intralipid infusions, and blood thinners for MTHFR - clotting issues, etc. Still, I can't overlook the fact that there are the big guns like CCRM who don't practice this...

What does that say? Is my RE a trailblazing pioneer or a bohemian maverick?

How to be Misleading in an ICLW Description

You can start by abruptly ending your break (of 10 months) after attending a seminar given by the man who will become your new RE. After a phone consult reveals CD3 will be in just four days, you dive ankles first back into the stirrups. (for those of you keeping track that was six days after the seminar - four days after the phone consult) Two phlebotomists, twenty-four vials of blood and a baseline ultrasound later, you find yourself itching for test results whilst simultaneously remembering what it's like to be here yet again and suddenly becoming terrified that the test results could come back with BAD news... And they did... Not only was I diagnosed with OPCOS, at first over the phone then confirmed during my baseline u/s (which my first RE never caught), but my blood tests later showed that I tested positive for two A1298C mutations, indicating MTHFR. Which my first RE never tested for because he doesn't BELIEVE in Immunological Disorders.

Hi.

Still with me?

Good.

Here's some history!

My husband (35) and I (31) started TTC in the summer of 2007. I genuinely believed that we would get pregnant on the first try. Ha. Fourteen months later, we moved on to testing through my OBGYN's office which revealed a severe male factor. She promptly pointed us towards the RE who I now hate told us IVF w/ICSI or Donor Sperm would be our only hope. After MUCH deliberation we chose Donor over IVF, partially because it was the most financially attainable option and because we were concerned about the implications of the severity of his diagnosis might mean for our future children.

Fast Forward to December 2009 when we completed our SIXTH and final DIUI. All of them left us with straight up BFN's and a fair amount of debt. Our RE at the time and the second opinion we got a month later were dumbfounded and couldn't explain why none of the IUI's worked because my charts looked so great. Umm yeah, neither of those doctors caught the OPCOS which is clearly evident in an u/s and with knowledge of the fact that my cycle is 30 days. And interestingly enough, neither of them test for immunological factors... But at least I have an answer now as to why none of the dIUI's worked.. Not that it's any consolation.

That brings us to January of this year, I'm not going to lie- I was a complete basket case. We decided to take the rest of the year off to focus on our marriage and restoring my mental health. By March we had decided to plan for IVF in 2011 - with my husbands sperm.

Even though we had been planning for several months to attend the seminar on September 30th and follow up with a phone consult shortly thereafter. I really had no idea how quickly this would catapult us back in to the TTC/ART world. When I signed up for this month's ICLW, I thought it would be a nice way to tip toe back into the supportive waters that is the ALI community. And while I'm 1,000 percent ready to move forward, it's hard not to think about how comfortable and effortless things were just three weeks ago...

Thanks for stopping by, I look forward to reading about all of you.

Long Time, No ICLW

I've taken the last four months off ICLW because I couldn't honestly commit to getting all the commenting done. But I'm back now, and feeling better. I typically like to sum up my blog in the introductory ICLW posts, but I'm having a hard time describing my current status as anything but a loud, exaggerated fart noise.

So here's some history!

My husband and I started TTC back in the summer of ought seven. I say it all old timey like that because it literally feels like it was that long ago that our TTC journey began. And I now refer to that time as a completely different era. We were a happy-go-lucky couple that was completely clueless of the odyssey that lie ahead. I genuinely believed we would get pregnant on the first try, imagine that.

Fast forward to December 2008, we were diagnosed with severe Male Factor and told IVF w/ICSI or Donor Sperm would be our only hope. After much deliberation we chose donor because it was the most financially attainable, and because we were concerned about the implications that the severity of his diagnosis might mean for our future children.

Fast forward AGAIN to December 2009 when we had our SIXTH and final dIUI. All of them left us with straight up BFN's and a fair amount of credit card debt. My RE at the time, and the second opinion we got a month later were dumbfounded, and couldn't explain why none of the IUI's worked because my charts looked so great.

And that brings us to the present time: Infertile Purgatory. We're currently emotionally and financially tapped out - (Donor sperm is EXPENSIVE!) You can see our protocol for the IUI's in my timeline up above. Although, none of them worked so I wouldn't exactly say they were exemplary. Anyway. Back to the purgatory. We have no idea what the next step is. Possibly IVF using my husbands sperm and donor for back up, or possibly adoption... We just don't have a stinking clue, or any money to move forward anyway, so here we sit. This break is a blessing and a curse - depends on when you ask me.

At the moment I'm working on some loosing some weight. I went a smidge overboard with the comfort foods, and found myself 26.4lbs heavier than I'd like to be. I'm a Pisces. I love hockey, blogging and this IF community. I don't believe in butter or sugar substitutes. I look forward to getting to know all of you.

Over and Out

I really don't even know where to begin. Welcome ICLWer's. I guess that's a start. We just finished our 6th dIUI cycle, with not one single positive test to show for it. The first three cycles were natural. The last three were with Letrozole/Femara and Prometrium. I'm truly shocked that this last one didn't work. Although the timing wasn't perfect I'd had some really significant cramping about four days before I tested and was fairly convinced it was from implantation - because I rarely ever have cramps, maybe once or twice a year. So not only were my hopes incredibly high from having a new/different symptom, but there was a lot riding on it because this was our last chance for a 2010 baby. Since we've been cycling for much longer than we anticipated, it's cost us much more than we were prepared for (financially and otherwise). And now we're forced to take a break to pay off some debt and save up for the next round.

Initially I was devastated at the thought of not being able to cycle, but with this last blow I find myself exhausted and looking forward to a lull. I can't believe I'm saying that but it's true. I'm just so tired of all this. Six months of cycling is a lot, and it's taken it's toll - on my mind, my body and my marriage. While I'm looking forward to taking the next few months to reconnect with my husband, and myself. In the back of my mind I'm still heartbroken at the idea of knowing my chances of getting pregnant in the next few months are less than 1%. Please don't give me any miracle stories, I'm just not up for it.

I'm sorry this post is such a downer and not typical of the welcome I prefer to give to during ICLW, but it's all I could muster. Hopefully if you make it by next month I'll be in a better place.

I also want to thank all my regulars (whom I really consider to be friends) for your very sweet and thoughtful comments on my results post. Your support and sympathy was overwhelming and I feel incredibly lucky and grateful that you all cared so much to leave me a virtual hug. Thank you.

Nope: The ICLW Edition

Hello there folks! Welcome to my blog. I've been sleeping with an HPT under my pillow for what seems like a fricken ETERNITY but is actually just over two years now. My husband and I were diagnosed with severe MFI in December 2008. (Almost our crapiversary!) After that we spent a very long time planning our next move and decided to go on to Donor Insemination - Which is not going very well at all. Not the donor part, but the insemination and me actually getting pregnant part.

I found out this morning that our 5th dIUI cycle failed. FIFTH! I still have the damn lopsided First Response test sitting next to me. I'm glaring at it, but nothing is changing in that little window - there's something my hormones can't scare into submission.

I can't fucking believe it didn't work AGAIN.

A little more history - Supposedly there is nothing "wrong" with me. "You'll be pregnant in no time" said my RE, and I believed him! So we started with three natural IUI's- back to back and OPK monitored. The last two have been with Letrozole/Femara and Prometrium. My body has responded well, getting two follicles from each round of meds, but still nothing. Neither myself, nor my RE have any idea why it hasn't worked so far, and it's really starting to piss me off. We plan to do one more cycle with Letrozole, then rob a bank so we can afford a more aggressive approach, because the last 5 cycles have damn near sucked us dry. Okay, FINE, actually we're going to do one more cycle then take a break to save up some cash. Then we'll likely move on to injectables.

Sorry for all of the rambling. If you are interested in a more DI related post you can read this one. It covers a lot. Well I look forward to reading all of your blogs, thanks for stopping by!

Holy Hell, is it ICLW already?!

I swear it's coming faster and faster every month. Especially when I don't have anything remotely exciting to post about. I am 12dpo/dpiui today. I don't have a Beta scheduled, just the haunting notions of unused home pregnancy tests in my bathroom cabinet. I'm doing my best to stay far away from them though. AF is due Fridayish. Ugh I hate when it falls on a weekday. I'd so much rather get crappy news when I can stay in pajama's all day and consume large quantities of - well anything with an astonishingly high caloric count.

You may recognize my story, last ICLW I had a different blog title which included my last name. When I first started my blog, my husband was the only one reading it. Slowly I began gaining readership, and it started to occur to me that I may be giving our future child's privacy away. While Brian and I feel we have nothing to hide as far as our infertility, we do however feel a fierce need to protect our future child(ren). I have no idea where this blog will be in 20 years, but I don't want anything I say to come back and bite me in the ass. We want our child to be able to choose who is aware of their conception, outside of the family and a select few friends of course.

This month we completed our fourth dIUI. The first three were done with no meds, just based on a positive OPK. But my impatience got the best of me, and I insisted on using some meds this round. My RE put me on Letrozole, which produced 2 lovely follicles. I've never really addressed this before, and I know that I only have about a 5% chance, but I am totally fine with twins. The only thing that concerns me is the high risk pregnancy part.

If you're interested in how we got to the Donor path you can check out my obnoxiously detailed timeline. Or here are a few posts that are probably the most significant.

So welcome ICLWer's, I look forward to reading more about you.

Hello!

Welcome ICLWer's! Every month I am amazed that time has gone by so quickly since the last get-together... Well, I'm sure you have a lot of blog reading to do so here's the low down: My husband and I were diagnosed with Severe Male Factor, due to a Chromosomal Abnormality. After MUCH deliberation we decided to create our family through donor sperm rather than IVF w/ ICSI. I am currently 9dpo after our third attempt. So far they have all been unmedicated, and back to back IUI's. Which means we are using two vials of ds per cycle and it's getting pretty pricey so I'd like to get this show on the road already! I just use OPK's to monitor, and I've felt like our timing is pretty good. But seeings as we are more than two years into this process, to say that I am feeling a little impatient would be a tremendous understatement. If it doesn't happen this month I will definitely be moving on to medications. Clomid? Injectables??? I will obviously be having this discussion with my RE, but do you have any advice as to what I might push for? If not maybe just cross your fingers and hope that the third time is the charm for us, won't you?

I look forward to "meeting" all of you!

All I Can Say

All I can say is that I'm 7dpo. I don't know when my period is due exactly, which is new territory for me. But I think the mystery of it is bringing me to a new level of peace about this cycle.

This cycle is a mystery in more ways than one. If you are new to my blog via ICLW (welcome!) than I should tell you that my cycles have always been right as the mail. Thirty-one days in length, I typically get a positive opk on CD14 and feel the pressure and discomfort of ovulation on CD15. The very next day, without fail, my girls start getting sore. And the countdown is well underway to AF's arrival.

After last months BFN from our very first dIUI, I began therapeutic acupuncture for the second time, since beginning to TTC. I immediately felt its benefits, from the forced relaxation. But when CD14 came around my positive OPK was no where in sight. I was extraordinarily frustrated at first, and then mystified. I was never that late. CD 21 is when my smiley face finally showed. I was still baffled but relieved to finally be able to get my IUI's out of the way and push my way into another treacherous TTW. My doctor told me I should expect AF about 12 days from my last IUI, but my normal cycle would normally be 16 days after. So I'm left with a four day gap. Oh and the other thing is, my girls are miraculously ail-free. But I guess I should chalk that up to the acupuncture. I remember the last period of time I did it, it helped immensely with all of my pms.

Last cycle, I put a ticker up for the countdown. But this time I don't know when my cycle will end, or most importantly when and if a new cycle will begin. I'm kind of enjoying the mystery. It's taken the pressure off a real countdown. Which has left me peaceful and tremendously hopeful. It's really nice. All I can say is that 7dpo is usually where the crazy starts to kick in, but damn. I feel good.

Coming Soon!

Howdy ICLWer's! Welcome to my blog. Here is a brief account of our history via bullet point:

• We began TTC in August 2007.
• Diagnosed with Severe Male Factor Infertility due to a chromosomal abnormality, in December 2008.
• After much, much, MUCH delibertion, we decided to use Donor over trying IVF w/ ICSI in March 2009.
• We are currently on our second cycle of dIUI's. Since all of my tests came back clear, our RE suggested starting with unmedicated cycles with back to back IUI's. So I go in for an IUI the morning I get a positive OPK, and then go back again the next day.
• If you'd like a more detailed description of our history you can check out my last ICLW welcome where I had a bit more time to devote to a proper introduction.

Which brings us to the current day, 5DPO. I am so ridiculously full of hope right now it's almost suicidal. I was talking to a wonderful friend the other day (hi jess!) and I was explaining how with each IUI cycle my odds of getting pregnant go up. Ex. Dr.RAWKS thinks it will take about three cycles to get me pregnant, six at most. (My vote is for two, in case you were wondering) So the closer I get to three and six, the better my odds are of finally seeing that damned errant second line on an HPT. By the way I completely embrace the fact that this theory is both semi logical and irrationally based. But I'm sticking with it! I HAVE TO. So far hope is all we've got going for us. There are days where it feels like the lines between my determination to be a mother and my infatuation with seeing a positive pregnancy test, blur and I can't decide which one I want more at the moment.

So there it is. Our story in a nutshell.

I look forward to reading all about you!

Some Whining for Your Reading Pleasure

Okay. It's starting to get to me. I was so proud of myself the first week. I wasn't bothered by my tww in the least. But this point in my cycle is when the supposed "magic happens". IF a little embryo is able to implant, it will be in the next few days. And the idea that I will know our fate in less than a week is simply maddening. I hesitated even publishing this post, because acknowledging my anticipation is only going to fuel the fire.

Now all those tww's that I spent googling early symptoms is coming back to bite me - I suddenly wish I didn't know any of them. At least I know I can't fall back on the old sore boobs bit. Mine start getting sore the day after I ovulate. Yeah, that's just as much fun as it sounds. UGH.

Welcome!

Welcome ICLW Readers!

ICLW always puts me in a great mood! How could anyone not look forward to a little extra love? So here I am, 7DPO after our very first dIUI..........................................................This is me................ Doing a whole...... LOT......Of waiting...............Sound Familiar?

My husband and I were diagnosed with Severe Male Factor Infertility a week before Christmas, 2008. This month officially marks my 24th cycle off of birth control, and I can honestly say I will NEVER go back on it again. After MUCH deliberation we chose DI, over IVF w/ ICSI. The choice to use donor insemination was definitely not an easy one, but there were several factors which made it the right option for us. With the abnormalities in his S/A's, we were concerned about the success rates vs the costs of a one time shot at IVF. Which leads us to the other deciding factor. Money. Or lack thereof, our insurance covers NOTHING. We have spent over $10,000 dollars in tests and procedures so far. I know that is a drop in the bucket compared to other folks out there, but it's still a lot. Getting the money for IVF would be extremely difficult, and would require an undefinable amount of time to save up for it. And to be honest, I wasn't sure I could wait that long or just how much more of this I could take. And as my husband finally put it: He just wants to be a dad.

We are very aware of that choosing DI is going to be a life long journey of challenges, including how to balance honesty and privacy/discretion. Helping our child understand just how very much they are loved, and wanted, and how and why we chose this route. And the particularly crunchy process of continually learning to accept the loss of a "biological child".

When I take the time to step back and look at our life. I'm able to see that Infertility and DI parenting were challenges that are in our lives for a reason. We will learn and grow from this experience, just like the rest of the adversities that life brings. I'd also like to do my part in getting rid of the stigma's that go along with Donor Sperm, by educating and cultivating acceptance - without being to preachy.

But back to the matters at hand... my TWW. My period is due next Tuesday the 28th. So far my plans are not to test until I'm late or suspiciously early. Still I wonder if I'll really be able to holdout. Especially because I just bought a box of HPT's. That's the funny thing. I'm too superstitious to look up my potential due date online, but I can't help myself from buying a pack of HPT's, even though I already have three in my bathroom. To be fair they are three different kinds. One left over Internet cheapie, one digital that I'm saving just so I can see the word "pregnant" - minus the not, for once. And also one EPT. ANYWAY, against my better infertile judgement, I'm decidedly hopeful. It also doesn't help that my good friend Katie just got her BFP and I'm so excited, you'd think it was mine! Oh, and I'll take all the crossed fingers I can get in the mean time if you wouldn't mind. Thanks!

Panic, Anyone?

Hello ICLWer's, you can check out my original welcome here. Or just scroll down =).
So my first DIUI is tentatively scheduled for the middle of July. Brian and I finally chose a donor - yeay! What's next? How about excitement? Yes, that's a given. Hope? Yes, ever so cautiously. So what is this knot I feel in the bottom of my stomach? Oh right. It's SHEAR PANIC because I need my vials in three weeks and the bank just told me they need a month to process new recipients! WTF?!

I called yesterday to make THE purchase, and they gave me a lengthy list of hoops to jump through and told me that they usually need a month to process everything!!! The bank we decided on is a small non profit organization and the person who deals with registration only comes in TWICE A WEEK. So I have all these ridiculous consent forms that have to be filled out, two of which need to be approved and signed by my RE. That will be followed by incessant begging and groveling to the registration manager to process my application. I've sent email's and VM's to my clinic asking them to expedite the forms because of the time crunch and NO ONE HAS CALLED ME BACK!
The only exception is from my RE who graciously indulged my insanity by answering a silly question or two in an email. Now that I am a little more calm, I realize it was probably somewhat of an insult to question his plan of execution and timing of my cycle. Well done Melissa!
Here is the email:

Hello Dr. RAWKS,

I have my first DIUI tentatively scheduled for the middle of July. I noticed that once I get a positive LH test, I tend to get ovulation pains about 12 hours later. I know we have back to back IUI's planned, I just wonder if the window will be right...
So here are my questions:
1.Is the ovulation pain that I feel a legitimate/accurate way to judge/affirm ovulation?
2. If so, say I get a positive test in the morning and then come in for my 1st IUI, then ovulate that night- Is coming the next morning going to be too late? I've read that the egg can only last 12-24 hours...
I look forward to your response.

Here is his reply:

The pain around the time of ovulation usually precedes the actual event and I suspect it is due to the rapid follicle enlargement before, not the ovulation itself. Eggs live for about 24 hrs post ovulation so the 2 insemination's should cover things just fine. Timing has been confirmed by multiple studies over the years. See you soon.
Sincerely,
Dr. RAWKS

So anyway. I'm trying to hold my shit together, and praying that the registration manager will be a reasonable human being. Cross your fingers for me!


************************************************************

Update:

I just had a "Well I don't know WHO you talked to..." conversation with another person at the bank. Everything is going to be fine. She said I have plenty of time, and that she guarantee's my registration will be completed by Thursday, or Monday at the VERY latest. Which is AWEOME. Right after that my clinic sent me an email with the pdf's of the signed and approved consent forms that I needed. So I sent everything over to the bank and even called to confirm. THEY HAVE IT. We're set.

Howdy!

Welcome ICLW readers! I totally meant to post this earlier but we were out in the f'ing Boondocks for the weekend, and I had no Internet connection. NO INTERNET?!!!! Why not just cut off my thumbs while you're at it?! I really shouldn't complain, we spent the weekend with the owners of a small Winery about 3 hours Northeast of San Francisco. They spoiled us with an obscene amount of food and wine, but the lack technology almost took my will to live. ALMOST. At least I had wine to distract me from taking my own life. Anyway, I'm cautiously hoping that by the end of July I'll have a good reason not to drink anymore. I'll be doing my first dIUI next month. Woo Hoo!


This is only my second time participating in ICLW, but I just want to say how very grateful I am that it exists. It's been amazing to read and follow these incredibly profound tales from the world of infertility.


My husband and I had been ttc for 16 months when we were diagnosed with Severe Male Factor infertility. We were told we had less than a 1% chance of conceiving naturally, and that IVF with ICSI or Donor Sperm would be or only options for a biological(ish) child. You can check out our story in a nutshell if you look at my timeline and or profile. Or you can take some time to read the posts that carry the most significance. Like after we were diagnosed and sort of decided not to have kids at all, because it felt so good to just take control of the situation. Then when our RE first told us about the option of DI. And when we couldn't make up our minds between DI or IVF. Then I had a mental breakdown and we went to see a counselor. So once we finally moved on, and were able to look at a sperm bank website with out a martini and box of kleenex, this post talks about how we narrowed down our choice of donors.


I'm glad you were able to stop by. I look forward to reading a lot of your stories!