Three Doctors and an Infertile Walk into a Bar...

First of all, if you had today off for MLK, I hate you. Where ever you are, I hate you. I'm so exhausted and there is a big storm heading into the Bay Area. Today should have been filled with movies from the 80's and Top Ramen, and I should still be in pajama's from the night before!!!

But it wasn't. And I had to work. Meh. The only consolation is that this is still a four day work week for me. I'm taking Friday off. Not to watch movies and eat ramen. But to shop for a new RE.

My first appointment and order of business is with my GP. Time for my annual pap Smear. Fun, Fun. I was technically supposed to go in October, but I was SO sure I would be newly pregnant by then that I kept blowing it off. Yes, I know you can get a pap smear while you're pregnant, not that I need to worry about that now. Oh and I'm looking forward to the conversation with my doctor as our last one was right before we were sent to an RE. So I'll get to rehash all the goings on from the crappiest year of my life thus far. Remind me to get a mocha before I head in there, the elevation in blood sugar should keep me happy enough to refrain from gauging out my own eye's while I sit freezing in my paper gown waiting for my doctor who's always at least 25 minutes late.

Appointment deux, is with a local OBGYN, who was recommended by a friend who had a successful IUI with him. She delivered a healthy baby boy last month. I know, I know what you're thinking: An OB? Not an RE?! Has she gone quietly mad?! I assure you that when I go, it will most definitely not be quietly, and you'll all be the first to know. So this OB does a lot of the standard practices for IUI's that my RE would have, only this guys waiting room is not overlooking Alcatraz and the Bay Bridge. He maintains a practice outside of the hospital, and has fantastic reviews from my friend who's a mom because of him, and from the local physician's websites I found. I called a few weeks ago to ask if they would be able to work with donor sperm, and got the head Nurse Practitioner on the phone. She must have spent a good 20-30 minutes on the phone discussing my history, and how tough infertility can be. And how she was sorry I had to go through all this.

When Brian suggested we go see this Doctor, I totally blew him off. I was like: "Why would we go waste our time and money with a regular ol' doctor? We should be seeing a specialist". But my chat with the NP completely disarmed me. She was eloquent, and very kind and extremely inquisitive about the variables of my cycle. She asked if they had done any other testing after my multiple failed cycles. Such as looking for a clotting disorder, or polyps. The testing she was asking me about makes me think that we have been doing everything wrong from the beginning and I'm starting to freak out about it.

Fuck I hate the testing phase, I know it's exciting to get answers, but I went through this before, and I'm terrified that something major could have been missed.

My third and final appointment is at a very prestigious hospital with a very reputable RE, that came highly recommended by two of my IF buddies. (Thank you Lau and Nikki) I feel very confident about this doctor, and also pretty intimidated.

I'm starting to seriously panic about these appointments. I'm afraid that these doctors are going to question everything we've done up to this point. That they'll tell us the IUI's were a waste of time, and that we never had to do donor. I've always felt very well informed on our situation but now I'm literally questioning everything. Ugh, Friday suddenly feels very far away.

Lastly I'd like to thank you all for your incredibly thoughtful and reassuring comments on my last post. I was really concerned about alienating anyone - especially people I care about. I'm grateful that so many of you shared that you had felt the same way at one point or another. And I'm grateful to be reminded yet again, that I am in no way alone in all this. Hugs.