Friday night we went to one of my husbands client's houses for dinner. They have two ADORABLE kids. The oldest, a little girl who took right to me. She made almost constant eye contact with me hoping I was paying attention to whatever she was doing at the moment, and she wore my size 11 flip flops the entire night. Later in the evening, close to her bedtime, she got upset while playing a game and she began to cry. Her mother came over to comfort her, scoping her up into her arms, and whispering softly to ease her pain and turn her tears into laughter again. After a few minutes of rocking and a reluctant smile, mom convinced her to go get her prettiest nightgown on to show me.
"Sorry about that, they just cry really easily when they get tired".
I realize now that by the look I must have had on my face she thought I was upset by the little girl's crying. But I get that, hell I cry when I'm overtired - it was witnessing such a tender moment that killed me. Watching her rock, and whisper her daughters tears away is something I ache for to the very depths of my soul. And on the way home it crushed me even more to realize I'm not even close to being able to do that. I cried myself to sleep that night, and I haven't been able to shake it since. It really feels like it's never going to happen for us.
I know this break is important for healing, but how long is it really going to be? Is it just till we have enough money to actually do something? But what's 'enough' anyway? We've been talking recently about moving on to adoption, and while I'm very open to that, it feels like the more we deliberate over our options the father away we are from taking a real step. I feel lost again.
23 comments:
Melissa - I'm so sorry your in this place. The uncertainty in all of this is paralyzing sometimes. I have had a "lost" feeling many times - just wanting someone to give me the answers or at least the reasons. Sending you lots of hugs.
Isn't it awful how the smallest, most forgettable moments for our friends who are parents can cause so much yearning for us that it just pierces your chest? I had a few of those moments at our friends' house last night who have 4 small children.
I know you'll get there. I often feel the hopelessness too. You're not alone.
I know the feeling. I often think everyone who knows of our IF says to themselves, "I'm so glad I'm not them."
My husband is starting to back step the IVF idea. I feel like we are in limbo again.
I hate the place that you're in and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.
The limbo adds to it. I wasn't even comfortable not having any direction where I was heading.
That being said, on our breaks, I tried to completely ignore TTC and push it out of my mind and just embrace DH, me and trying to do whatever it took to be happy. Sometimes it worked and other times it didn't.
(((HUGS)))
Oh hun...I am so sorry you are struggling right now. It is a horrible feeling especially when you can't shake it for a few days. I hope this passes soon.
((HUGS))
I'm so sorry. :( I totally get it - it's so hard to be TTC and be around those who are so happy and have what you crave. Hang in there!
I'm so sorry Melissa...it's so very hard. Hang in there and know that we are all here for you. Even though it seems like it will never happen, when it DOES you will cherish every second which will make it that much more special. I hope you get to feeling better soon.
((HUGS))
Oh, Melissa--My heart sank for you when I read your post. While with plans on hold can have its moment of being liberating, there is also the flip side that is so very dark and distant.
I had one of those kid moments in church today as a little guy was giving me flirty eyes and kept bumping into me from the pew behind me. Right now when I have those moments it is a distant sadness. But it was different when having those kind of moments when you are in a relationship and in that holding pattern. It is so much more intense in the sadness, pain, and longing for a child of your own. It is like you are so close that it makes it that much worse and as you said, some how farther away.
I'm sorry you had one of those days and it seems to hurt even more when other people don't even have a clue as to why you are upset. Sometimes it is because they don't know the situation and other times they just don't get how close IF is in the forefront of your mind.
(((HUGS)))
I'm sorry you had such a bittersweet moment watching your friend with her daughter. I get it. I totally get it. That kind of pain that really hurts the heart.
I just know you're going to make a fantastic mom someday...
I've kept this text a "fertile" friend once sent me:
"I know I know...and u will...the question is just when" about being a mom someday.
I hold the some thought for you...as in I know you will, "the question is just when".
((big, big hugs))
I hate that lonely place. I'm so sorry you are there. Those tender moments between parents & children are so hard to process at the best of times.
Being on a break is tough on us infertiles because we are programmed to work to a plan and we need that plan to make us feel like we are doing something, anything to help us achieve our goal. It sucks that you are here, I really wish you werent. Sending you the biggest fattest juciest hugs EVER. x
I'm sorry you are in such a sad a lonely place. But there are many of us reading who are feeling similarly and so please know you are not really alone.
I have no words of wisdom to offer. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling this way. I've had these feelings for years, even before TTC and IF. (The downside of being over 35 and childless.)
I just want to give you a big hug and I know it doesn't fix anything. When you're in this uncertain stage and nothing is moving along, that is the most painful. Big big giant size hugs.
Oh Melissa - i hear you a thousand times over. The ache of the when? So much love to give and so many people out there who don't give it - why are we the ones who remain childless? Not fair. Sending you a giant hug. You're are one of my best blog friends and I know we will always have a bond. From your BBFF (Best Blog Friend Forever).
I'm so sorry you're feeling really down. I was there yesterday. I've been too busy to think about it much today, but I'm sure I'll be there again soon. Here's a hug from across the Bay Area.
I'm sorry you are feeling down. I have those days as well and it is nice to know we are not alone in those thoughts. (((Hugs))) from half way across the country and I hope the week goes better for you.
Oh those tender moments can be so tough to witness. I'm sorry things have been so tough.
I don't know what advice to give--not that you even asked--but I have been where you have been. Where you just don't know how much more you can take or what the next step might be...but don't lose hope. There WILL BE a next step and you will not feel lost forever. HUGS.
PS My word verification was "hopin".
It's often those "little" moments that are the hardest to bear. I think we grow accustomed at how to dodge questions, which situations we can handle, and comebacks for just about everything that is thrown our way. But it is those moments that have nothing to do with us and yet everything to do with us that are so hard and unexpected.
Lost is my middle name...well, actually my first if we want to get technical. It is such a hard place to be, but is sometimes the only place to be while we sift through the rest.
Sifting with you...
"I've entered the loneliest place in my head yet again. It's the room where everyone has it better than me, and I wonder what we've done in our past lives to deserve all this heartache."
This. All of this. ALL OF IT.
"Is it just till we have enough money to actually do something? But what's 'enough' anyway?"
This as well. God damn.
I have no idea why it has to be this way for so many of us, but until you cross that finish line, and even beyond, I will be here for you.
I know the feeling all too well. Witnessing a tender moment between a mother and a child and wondering if it's ever going to be your turn.
I'm also in Infertile Purgatory but for completely different reasons. I hope your journey starts again soon and that all your dreams come true.
Happy ICLW!
My heart hurts with yours. I know that feeling exactly. I know you will be such a fabulous mom, Melissa. I just know it.
i hope this doesn't sound strange because i realize i don't know you, but something struck me very deeply about your last blog.
i think you must be a very soulful, beautiful human being.
i wish you only joy and blessings.
Post a Comment