I promise I'm hard at work on my Project IF post, but I've got a little more work to do. In the mean time I feel it's important that I mention the significance of this week - National Infertility Awareness Week. I've been looking forward to it in a way, because I feel like this is "our week" to be a little bit more significant and get some recognition. But I also feel like a total hypocrite because I'm not completely out of the IF closet.
No one at work (outside of my close friends) knows. I've never talked about it on facebook, or any other public forum. I've also only chosen a select few of my friends to tell- and only three of them know about and have access to this blog. And at this very moment I can't think of any other reason than my deep seeded fear of divulging any kind of insecurity - which suddenly seems incredibly lame... I guess I've always been someone that held their cards close, but it feels wrong in a way now because I feel so strongly about advocacy. Yet I can't even be open in real life. Which makes me wonder if I have other friends who might be dealing with this, and like me, have just never opened up about it. What IF they don't know about this incredible blogging community? What IF they are suffering in silence?
I've been thinking about this a lot and how much I wish I could come out to ALL my friends - but I'm just not ready. I want to so badly and the post by Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed has brought me very close to wanting to shout it from the roof tops. Please, please PLEASE go check out Keiko's post and video. Oh, and BRING TISSUES.
If you're not familiar with Project IF, please head over to Mel's to learn more and get involved. It's an incredibly significant project that I think we will all benefit from, even if only cathartically.
And just a disclaimer - I don't mean to sound disparaging to those of you who are in the closet as well. I totally understand and appreciate everyone's need for privacy. I just wish I was strong enough to come out and support those who are out as well.
15 comments:
I will say this--I started out COMPLETELY in the open and it just got to be too much sometimes. So I think a little privacy can be a good thing...so don't beat yourself up for not being a total open book with everyone in your real life.
Hugs.
Everyone is at their own pace. I posted a link to resolve as well as Keiko's video on facebook this year, I got VERY few comments. either people do not care or they are so uncomfortable with this topic that they do nothing.
You are reaching so many people through your blog (even if you are in the closet). The hard part of putting it out there, is that you then cannot put it all back in.
Wow- thanks for posting a link to Keiko's blog and video. I'm very much like you- I almost clicked on over to fb to "out" myself. I just don't know if I can open that part of myself up to old high school "friends" old co-workers, etc. I'm open if someone asks, but I've always guarded my personal stuff pretty close.
A wonderful post, very moving! And thanks for posting a link to Keiko, that was a wonderful one too. Everyone is at a different spot in their IF journey, and sometimes its still really raw... It took me years to really understand how I felt about it before I shared it with others. But now that I'm "out" I feel so liberated, and glad that I can help educate the "Fertiles" on IF.
You so don't need to feel guilty about not being 100% open. It is a private matter, no matter what. I have one foot in and one foot out of the closet, but after 3.5 yrs of treatment, it feels like everyone knows. I'm probably just paranoid, but certain people in my family - not so good at keeping secrets.
I think coming out of the IF closet is something everyone has to decide at their own pace. By being a public blogger, you are putting your story "out there" and I'm sure helping far more than you realize. I think of blogging as free therapy, but also a way to make connections (even on my closed blog :).
I think NIAW comes 2x/year, b/c I "came out" to many friends in October 2008 during that week. For the most part, I was surprised and touched by my friends' reactions -- some talking about their sibling's IF experiences, which I hadn't known about.
Yes, there were 1 or 2 friends I almost regretted it later...but I think I gained more than I "lost".
Thanks for promoting this week on your blog! XO
I'm with you on the openness. I would love to be really open about everything that's going on, but my husband keeps reminding me that we should at least wait until we're officially infertile--as in, one year of trying. Also, I know that part of my motivation for wanting to proclaim it from the rooftops is that I want to make all my fertile friends feel just a little bit guilty. And that's not really the right motivation. So for now, just the few close people who really care know. We'll see where we are a few months down the road. It's a very tough call.
And you totally shouldn't feel guilty about not telling everyone--especially on facebook. You have to do what's going to be the most helpful for you in the long run.
I am right there with you in selectively telling people. I learned with my eating disorder that not everyone is capable of supporting things they don't understand nor do they want to make the effort to listen or learn. I trust my gut when it comes to telling people. As much as I would love to be a bigger advocate for IF, I also feel a need to protect my own privacy. I'm comfortable with where we are at on this so I guess that is all that matters. (-;
Do whatever it is that feels right for you... Love that video BTW. I have seen other links to it and have watched it every time.
Giiiirl, don't EVEN feel bad about not being fully out of the closet. This IF is touchy stuff, and many well-meaning people manage to break our hearts after we've poured ours out to them.
In my relationship, T is ALL ABOUT telling people about our need for IVF and surrogacy (let me tell ya, I was quick to nip that in the bud!). I tired explaining to him that it's even more difficult to "out" yourself when YOU'RE the one with the "problem" -- the fucked up body. It's very emotional.
I wish I could make a video even half as powerful as Keiko's. Girl's got talent and heart.
I hope you're making it through the week ok. T and I ate at B and Vine last Friday, and I thought of you. =) *hugs*
Thank you for posting the link to Keiko's video. I was so touched. She said so many of the things I am afraid to say out loud.
As far as coming out, I have always been SUPER open about our IF. There have been some days I have regretted it and some days I have been so happy to be out of the closet. But you have to do what you feel comfortable with.
You have been in my thoughs so much lately. Love you!
I hadn't seen the video before so thanks for the link!
We're not "out" yet either and don't know if we ever will be. It's such an emotional journey either way.
I totally get you wanting to be in the closet. Once you're out you get all the unsolicited advice and comments that drive you 100% crazy. But I also see why you are regretting it as well in case there are others out there that are suffering as well that you might be able to relate to and support. It's so hard to be in that spot. Once I "came out" I actually found out more people than I thought had dealt with some sort of infertility. It made me feel less alone. But holy mother of unsolicited advice. I think it's important to come out to people you trust, but if I could go back I'd probably skip out on telling a few certain people that to this day our relationship has not fully healed. I'm thinking about you a lot this week. I love you lots and think you are amazing.
I'm out of the IF closet. It's facebook official and it felt so good. People need to know it doesn't come easy for everyone and I just felt like it was the right time. Love you and we will talk soon, I promise!
Keiko's video was so powerful. Thanks for linking to it.
In the closet or out of the closet... there are benefits to both so I don't think you should beat yourself up about your closetness, at the end of the day it is hard to change the worlds perspective when you are so emotionally 'in this' yourself. I understand that infertility awareness is SO important and I definitely wish I had more understanding from those I've outed myself to but I believe that my time for advocacy is not now. When I have my children and am not so entwined in this emotional torture that is IF I will be in a better place to be a positive and sensitive advocate for infertility. Thats just the way I feel and I just can't take the weight of having to change the world on top of the weight of my own infertility right now. Perhaps I'm a coward but there are times when you've just got to look out for yourself first and formost. I definitely don't think you are selfish for remaining in the closet. It's not easy to out yourself to the world as you can't take it back once it's done.
Thanks for posting this. xx
I think there are "safe people" to be open with, and I hope you have those people, M. It's a fine line between openness and needing privacy, and in mu opinion it just depends on the specific people/ situations in your life.
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