I know my voice here isn't as loud as it used to be. But the good news is I've been able to make it heard on Face.book. There were several years during NIAW, that I felt shame for not feeling like I could speak out about our infertility. To tell our friends and family about what was going on, and be an advocate for myself and the others who were struggling. I don't remember when or what my first post about IF was on FB, but I do recall tiptoeing in and that it really wasn't very long ago. Although now I'm pretty much a certified loudmouth an online Billboard for advocacy.
While I haven't kept up on the daily posts on FB about NIAW, I have commented and liked all of 'my sister's' posts. But today, something made me stop what I was doing, and get this up:
This was the post by Jennepper, that I shared. (She's the f'ing bomb.) I got a few comments, and likes, which I'll admit, I stalked to see who and how many likes I'd get. But then I got this message from a friend:
"Hey there! Just wanted to say how much I appreciate these posts about
IF. I've always had a really hard time talking about it (still do), but
the things you've posted and blogs that you've introduced me to really
help to normalize things and help me feel supported. As I'm sitting here
in B's (our acupuncturist) waiting room - who I truly believe played a huge part in
us having J (their daughter) - I wanted to say thank you! For putting me in touch
with her, for knowing what we're going thru, and for being so courageous
to share. Hope you guys are well! Would love a play date soon!"
(I believe she and her husband did two fresh IVF cycles before I referred her to my Acu lady, then she got pregnant on their next transfer. Not sure if it was fresh or frozen.)
It's funny, but I'd forgotten about the overwhelming guilt and shame I harbored, until I got her message. And thinking about it all just made me reflect on how bad things were for a while, how good they are now, and how grateful I am to have made it out with merely a few flesh wounds. Not that you're ever really out, but I have to believe the worst is over. I just have to.
Anyway, I wanted to share that note because it was validating in so many ways. And I'm grateful to my friend for writing it. Even if I am the only one she can ever say that to. And so for right now, I am her voice. Just like many were for me, when I couldn't speak for myself.
Telling people that I’m pregnant has been a strange experience. Not only because it feels like I’m lying, but also because I concurrently battle a voice in my head that says telling people means certain doom for our baby. Totally irrational, I know.
We’ve gotten a lot of love and support from family, mixed reactions from friends – some more than thrilled, some congratulated us like we told them we bought a house then followed their respects with how much work we were in for (and yes, they knew what we’d been through)… That was a little disheartening. But none of that matters when I think about my second home here. Even with all the praise we’ve received from our families, none of it compares to the support we’ve gotten from all of you. It’s just breathtaking to think about.
Telling people at work has also been interesting. I was so filled with anxiety about how and when I should say something that I more less ended up blurting it out. (My bosses already knew)
Nice lady from Bookkeeping: Well Good Morning Melissa, how are you today?
Me: Pregnant, and you?
(Squeals from two other ladies ensue)
There were only a few of us in the office at the time, I figured I’d let them gab about it and everyone else would catch on rather than me making one giant announcement during an Operations Meeting and risk being the center of attention. I’ve also gotten a few “It’s about time!” comments from older male coworkers. Which makes me wish I could live out this clip:
In addition I’ve started coming out about our Infertility. It’s scary to be honest about it, but it makes me feel proud at the same time, because we've come so far. Scary also since I’m the sort of “leave your home-life at home” type of employee. But coming out about in now also makes me glad that I was so secretive about our IVF cycle while we were going through it. I don’t think I could have responded quite as tactfully to the ignorant responses I’ve gotten regarding fertility treatments. None were made with ill intent, they just came about by being severely misinformed. I’m doing my best to diplomatically educate people without sounding too technical/condescending/know-it-all-ish. No easy feat for me.
I’ve made some progress in my head without the help of my therapist – yay me! I stopped therapy temporarily because I was too damn tired in the evenings to even try to complete a coherent sentence, so I’d rather not waste my deductible or my therapists time. Plus I’d prefer to spend that time eating and falling asleep sitting up in bed. Where was I going with this. Progress, right. I’ve decided to use my blog as aversion therapy. You may remember me telling you all that I had been feeling unsettled about talking about my pregnancy here specifically because I wasn’t sure I wanted this place to be about pregnancy as opposed to just IF. The other side of that is just feeling plain unsettled about this pregnancy in general. It’s not just hard to talk about it here, it’s hard to talk about it period. I feel… Guilty. Unworthy. Self-conscious. Conceited. Phony. Terrified. Which has no doubt made me a pleasure to be around, I probably sounded like I was telling people I had Cholera, instead of just being pregnant.
So. I’'m going to power through it.
I’ve decided that documenting this pregnancy is more important to me than my baggage. I worked really fucking hard to get here and I don’t know if I’ll ever be here again. Plus I have the memorization capacity of a gnat, so somebody needs to chronicle all this crap. And I’m going to do it right here. In the place and with the people I feel most comfortable spilling my guts too: Complete strangers living in different states most likely under assumed names.
I promise I'm hard at work on my Project IF post, but I've got a little more work to do. In the mean time I feel it's important that I mention the significance of this week - National Infertility Awareness Week. I've been looking forward to it in a way, because I feel like this is "our week" to be a little bit more significant and get some recognition. But I also feel like a total hypocrite because I'm not completely out of the IF closet.
No one at work (outside of my close friends) knows. I've never talked about it on facebook, or any other public forum. I've also only chosen a select few of my friends to tell- and only three of them know about and have access to this blog. And at this very moment I can't think of any other reason than my deep seeded fear of divulging any kind of insecurity - which suddenly seems incredibly lame... I guess I've always been someone that held their cards close, but it feels wrong in a way now because I feel so strongly about advocacy. Yet I can't even be open in real life. Which makes me wonder if I have other friends who might be dealing with this, and like me, have just never opened up about it. What IF they don't know about this incredible blogging community? What IF they are suffering in silence?
I've been thinking about this a lot and how much I wish I could come out to ALL my friends - but I'm just not ready. I want to so badly and the post by Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed has brought me very close to wanting to shout it from the roof tops. Please, please PLEASE go check out Keiko's post and video. Oh, and BRING TISSUES.
If you're not familiar with Project IF, please head over to Mel's to learn more and get involved. It's an incredibly significant project that I think we will all benefit from, even if only cathartically.
And just a disclaimer - I don't mean to sound disparaging to those of you who are in the closet aswell. I totally understand and appreciate everyone's need for privacy. I just wish I was strong enough to come out and support those who are out as well.
