Holy Hell, is it ICLW already?!

I swear it's coming faster and faster every month. Especially when I don't have anything remotely exciting to post about. I am 12dpo/dpiui today. I don't have a Beta scheduled, just the haunting notions of unused home pregnancy tests in my bathroom cabinet. I'm doing my best to stay far away from them though. AF is due Fridayish. Ugh I hate when it falls on a weekday. I'd so much rather get crappy news when I can stay in pajama's all day and consume large quantities of - well anything with an astonishingly high caloric count.

You may recognize my story, last ICLW I had a different blog title which included my last name. When I first started my blog, my husband was the only one reading it. Slowly I began gaining readership, and it started to occur to me that I may be giving our future child's privacy away. While Brian and I feel we have nothing to hide as far as our infertility, we do however feel a fierce need to protect our future child(ren). I have no idea where this blog will be in 20 years, but I don't want anything I say to come back and bite me in the ass. We want our child to be able to choose who is aware of their conception, outside of the family and a select few friends of course.

This month we completed our fourth dIUI. The first three were done with no meds, just based on a positive OPK. But my impatience got the best of me, and I insisted on using some meds this round. My RE put me on Letrozole, which produced 2 lovely follicles. I've never really addressed this before, and I know that I only have about a 5% chance, but I am totally fine with twins. The only thing that concerns me is the high risk pregnancy part.

If you're interested in how we got to the Donor path you can check out my obnoxiously detailed timeline. Or here are a few posts that are probably the most significant.

So welcome ICLWer's, I look forward to reading more about you.

Not What I Planned

Where, oh where, do I begin?

When I made my initial appointment for today's IUI, they told me that Dr. Rawks was not going to be in. Which was fine, I've had six total IUI's during my last three cycles and Dr. Rawks has only done two of them. Not a big deal. I was able to make an appointment with a Doctor that I've had before and really liked. But when we got there today, my IUI nurse told me that this doctor was no longer available. No problem, just give me anyone with a degree in Reproductive Endocrinology, and I'll be on my way... So the doctor walks in, and I suddenly realize I've had her before. And she was not good. Not good at all. Not only does she lack a personality/bedside manner, but after my last visit with her I abhorrently nicknamed her Dr. Cantfindmycervix. I literally felt bruised after the last IUI she gave me.

After reintroducing herself, she tells me that the counts of the vial they thawed only had 9.6 million. The bank we purchased from guarantee's a minimum of 10 million. I realize that this is a very small difference, but I am not happy. Since my first IUI the total thawed counts have only gone down. My first vial had 26 million - a FANTASTIC number. But the vial before this had 15 million. Still not terrible, but not as good as 26. The minimum amount that my clinic prefers for an IUI is 10 million. Dr. Cantfindmycervix, seemed to think this sample was adequate. But I just didnt feel good about it. This my FOURTH FUCKING SHOT. I NEED this to WORK. I can't do this anymore. It's really starting to wear on me... So I ask her if it's possible to thaw another vial. She tells me again, that the vial does meet their minimum requirement, but that if I wanted, they could thaw another one. She warned me that doing so, may not necessarily increase my odds. But I just didn't feel good about the single vial. I can't settle for their "minimum requirement" - I won't. Not when we've got three failed cycles under our belts. My peace of mind is worth more than the expense of an extra vial. If I had settled for the single vial and this cycle didn't work, I could not live with myself for not following my instinct and insisting on a second vial.

So it's done. The Dr, once again, had a difficult time locating my cervix for some ridiculous reason. And once again she fumbled around while giving me the play by play -"You're going to feel some pressure now", blah blah blah.... HEY LADY, THIS AINT MY FIRST RODEO. I know what a fucking speculum feels like. How's about you work a little harder on being delicate with my girlly parts, and little less on your dialog, huh?!?! So like I was saying, it's done, and I've been resting somewhat comfortably since this afternoon. I'm pretty sure I ovulated on my left side while I was typing this, and now I can feel my right side starting to ache. So I'm happy with the timing I guess. But man, was this a crappy ending to what I have so far, felt pretty confident about. But I'm not going to dwell on it. I need feel good about the rest of this cycle, I'm tired of feeling sad...

Please commence crossed fingers.

Nope.

If I had published this morning when AF showed, this would be a very different post.

I was furious. I was defeated. I was crushed. Again. I wanted to yell at someone. I wanted to scream at Dr. Rawks because he told me I'd be pregnant by now, and I believed him. You're young. Your lining looks great. Your periods are regular. Natural cycles will be just fine. I'm taking all my supplements, and doing acupuncture. My blood tests are flawless. Our timing has been perfect. I'M DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT PREGNANT YET?!?!

But it was a different story when the good doctor called me back. He sounded genuinely disappointed. He understood my frustration. He thinks we should move forward with meds too. Unfortunately we can't do injectables just yet. We need to take a class to learn how to administer them, and I'd have to start on the medication tomorrow. So he's putting me on Letrozole, which is like clomid but supposedly has less side effects. I'll have an ultrasound on October 6th, to check the progress and see how many follicles look ready. If they seem large enough I may not need to use Ovidrel to trigger. In addition I will start OPK's on October 4th, just in case. He said it's possible that they could get large enough for me to ovulate on my own. But to plan on using Ovidrel. Then I'll go in for a single IUI. And finish off this cycle with Prometrium suppositories. Fun.

So now instead of fury, I at least feel content with our new plan. And I feel even better knowing I'll get to hang out with an amazing group of ladies from the IF community tonight. I was lucky enough to have lunch with the lovely, hilarious and talented Meg. a few weeks ago. And I'm grateful that she's invited me out to spend a little quality time with some other women who know what it's like. I could really use that tonight. Thank you so much Meg. See you soon.

Hello!

Welcome ICLWer's! Every month I am amazed that time has gone by so quickly since the last get-together... Well, I'm sure you have a lot of blog reading to do so here's the low down: My husband and I were diagnosed with Severe Male Factor, due to a Chromosomal Abnormality. After MUCH deliberation we decided to create our family through donor sperm rather than IVF w/ ICSI. I am currently 9dpo after our third attempt. So far they have all been unmedicated, and back to back IUI's. Which means we are using two vials of ds per cycle and it's getting pretty pricey so I'd like to get this show on the road already! I just use OPK's to monitor, and I've felt like our timing is pretty good. But seeings as we are more than two years into this process, to say that I am feeling a little impatient would be a tremendous understatement. If it doesn't happen this month I will definitely be moving on to medications. Clomid? Injectables??? I will obviously be having this discussion with my RE, but do you have any advice as to what I might push for? If not maybe just cross your fingers and hope that the third time is the charm for us, won't you?

I look forward to "meeting" all of you!

Well That Didn't Last Very Long...

I think I used up all my happy in that last post. That brief burst of jabbering about lucky numbers and signs was evidently the bottom of the barrel for me. Although it's seemingly more obvious now that I've reread all that four leaf clover, unicorn shit...

And I've got another confession to make. I spend more time online with the IF blogging community than I think I ought to. I say that because my social life is pretty much non existent these days. Let me first say that I have always been a homebody. I always enjoyed an intimate setting rather than a vibrant one. But it's gotten to the point where I'm leaning on you all a lot. Brian is a little concerned. He says it's all I ever talk about. He thinks my hopelessness is hindering our conception viability. He doesn't understand why I don't make much of an effort to hang out with our pregnant friends. He doesn't get why I would feel jealousy or resentment towards people we love just because they have something we don't. I wish I could help him understand. I wish he could see the guilt that comes with feeling this way. I wish he knew that I feel like it's my fault that we've lost two sets of friends, because I'm not strong enough to hide my baggage and pretend everything is okay while my girlfriends rub their swollen bellies and debate over strollers and daycare. Please don't misunderstand, Brian is a wonderful husband and for the most part very supportive. But the last few weeks have been particularly hard on us. He thinks I'm obsessed, I think he's insensitive, and the next thing you know we're fighting over dinner at California Pizza Kitchen.

We can't be the only ones who've hit these lows. Until recently I could honestly say that the challenges we've dealt with have truly made our marriage a lot stronger. I guess I need to start working harder on that. It's not fair that I have become so consumed with my feelings. Above all my marriage comes first. I hate that I've let this overtake me. But it is so difficult to ignore.

Usually around now, 6dpo, I would be feeling anxious about being that much closer to knowing our fate. But all that comes to mind is what our next protocol will be once this cycle is done... Case in point: As of today we are the proud owners of four new vials of donor sperm. I called yesterday just to check the inventory of our specific donor. Turns out it was all gone. His next batch of vials won't be released from quarantine until January. Each sample is tested for STD's, HIV and AIDS then remains in quarantine for about six months until all tests are conclusive and verified negative. When I originally ordered our first six vials in June, there were well over 25 samples in stock. Guess we have good taste. The woman I was speaking with was very kind, but I got a little upset and asked if there was some kind of waiting list I could apply for. She asked me to hold, and came back with great news. She said she was able to pull from a special inventory because I had already purchased from this donor. The most we could get was four vials, still much more than we could afford, but I had to make the decision right way because she said she wouldn't be able to guarantee they would be available next week. And if this cycle doesn't work we would be in the position of having to pick a new donor. She also told me that our donor has another pregnancy reported, so that's encouraging. At least someone is getting lucky.

As of right now I can tell you that if this cycle doesn't work I am definitely going to ask for Clomid or injectables. I can't fucking take this anymore. Bring on the drugs!

Coming Soon!

Howdy ICLWer's! Welcome to my blog. Here is a brief account of our history via bullet point:

• We began TTC in August 2007.
• Diagnosed with Severe Male Factor Infertility due to a chromosomal abnormality, in December 2008.
• After much, much, MUCH delibertion, we decided to use Donor over trying IVF w/ ICSI in March 2009.
• We are currently on our second cycle of dIUI's. Since all of my tests came back clear, our RE suggested starting with unmedicated cycles with back to back IUI's. So I go in for an IUI the morning I get a positive OPK, and then go back again the next day.
• If you'd like a more detailed description of our history you can check out my last ICLW welcome where I had a bit more time to devote to a proper introduction.

Which brings us to the current day, 5DPO. I am so ridiculously full of hope right now it's almost suicidal. I was talking to a wonderful friend the other day (hi jess!) and I was explaining how with each IUI cycle my odds of getting pregnant go up. Ex. Dr.RAWKS thinks it will take about three cycles to get me pregnant, six at most. (My vote is for two, in case you were wondering) So the closer I get to three and six, the better my odds are of finally seeing that damned errant second line on an HPT. By the way I completely embrace the fact that this theory is both semi logical and irrationally based. But I'm sticking with it! I HAVE TO. So far hope is all we've got going for us. There are days where it feels like the lines between my determination to be a mother and my infatuation with seeing a positive pregnancy test, blur and I can't decide which one I want more at the moment.

So there it is. Our story in a nutshell.

I look forward to reading all about you!

Another Round

I went in this morning for my second IUI, and spent the rest of the day being completely useless. It was just as fabulous as it sounds. Seriously, it's almost 9pm and I am just getting around to writing this... The IUI went remarkably well, a little crampier than the last ones though. Between the two IUI's we have a total of 46 motile swimmers. They tell me with a frozen sample they hope for at least 10 million per IUI, so I'm feeling good about that.

As I mentioned before, I started up acupuncture again. I am a huge advocate of acupuncture. I did it for three months last year, long before our diagnosis, and although it didn't get me pregnant (because of MFI). I did notice a lot of improvements. My pms was very noticeably minimized, my digestion was more ... regular. And my feet weren't as cold as they normally were. I was able to see a vast improvement in these things about a month into treatment. Digestion wasn't even anything I complained about- It just got better. Aside from whatever the needles physically regulate or alleviate, I think that taking the time to meditate during each appointment is beneficial in itself. I focus on my breathing, and do my best to clear my head. TTC or not, I believe it's a healthy way to nurture mind and body.

The last place I went was an old timey Chinese medicine clinic. Complete with a display of decanters filled with mysteriously celestial looking ingredients. It was a family practice, mother and son. Clean, quiet, efficient. The reason I looked elsewhere was because I was hoping to find someone that focused more on reproductive health. Which is exactly what I found. I am really happy with my new clinic. It's a small place, I think there are only two practitioners. When I first sat down with Ms. B (I don't think she is technically a doctor but she's got a boat load of credentials according to the amount of initials after her name, and certificates on the wall) I told her that I was currently undergoing unmedicated IUI's. She asked about my basic medical history, and then more specifically about my reproductive medical history. I explained that as far as we knew there weren't any issues with me, and that we were dealing with MFI so we would be using a donor. She nodded and told me that she works with a lot of patients dealing with IF, and that 3 years ago, she and her partner used donor to conceive their now two year old twin sons. I was shocked, and thrilled. Someone who'd been there. Yes it was under entirely different circumstances, but still. It felt good to know someone else who knew what I was dealing with. She is sweet, and compassionate, and warm. She says things like "You're welks" (you're welcome). And she couldn't weigh more than 97 pounds. She's funny too. I feel good when I leave there. Her confidence is a little unnerving, but I sort of like that because it's nice to hear a medical professional be hopeful.

So we have two vials left in storage. Each cycle requires two. If it doesn't work this month I will immediately order 4-6 more, providing our donor is still available. And now that I think about it even if it does work I will order more for potential siblings.

And so begins another tww. Let's hope I can sustain a little clarity throughout the next 14-16 days. I honestly don't have any idea when my period will come because I ovulated six days later than normal.

P.S. I'd like to thank Daega99. She left me an Award on her site, but her comment profile lead me to inactive blog... Daega can you send me the link to your other blog, or if anyone else knows it - can you leave a link to it? Thanks!!!

Welcome!

Welcome ICLW Readers!

ICLW always puts me in a great mood! How could anyone not look forward to a little extra love? So here I am, 7DPO after our very first dIUI..........................................................This is me................ Doing a whole...... LOT......Of waiting...............Sound Familiar?

My husband and I were diagnosed with Severe Male Factor Infertility a week before Christmas, 2008. This month officially marks my 24th cycle off of birth control, and I can honestly say I will NEVER go back on it again. After MUCH deliberation we chose DI, over IVF w/ ICSI. The choice to use donor insemination was definitely not an easy one, but there were several factors which made it the right option for us. With the abnormalities in his S/A's, we were concerned about the success rates vs the costs of a one time shot at IVF. Which leads us to the other deciding factor. Money. Or lack thereof, our insurance covers NOTHING. We have spent over $10,000 dollars in tests and procedures so far. I know that is a drop in the bucket compared to other folks out there, but it's still a lot. Getting the money for IVF would be extremely difficult, and would require an undefinable amount of time to save up for it. And to be honest, I wasn't sure I could wait that long or just how much more of this I could take. And as my husband finally put it: He just wants to be a dad.

We are very aware of that choosing DI is going to be a life long journey of challenges, including how to balance honesty and privacy/discretion. Helping our child understand just how very much they are loved, and wanted, and how and why we chose this route. And the particularly crunchy process of continually learning to accept the loss of a "biological child".

When I take the time to step back and look at our life. I'm able to see that Infertility and DI parenting were challenges that are in our lives for a reason. We will learn and grow from this experience, just like the rest of the adversities that life brings. I'd also like to do my part in getting rid of the stigma's that go along with Donor Sperm, by educating and cultivating acceptance - without being to preachy.

But back to the matters at hand... my TWW. My period is due next Tuesday the 28th. So far my plans are not to test until I'm late or suspiciously early. Still I wonder if I'll really be able to holdout. Especially because I just bought a box of HPT's. That's the funny thing. I'm too superstitious to look up my potential due date online, but I can't help myself from buying a pack of HPT's, even though I already have three in my bathroom. To be fair they are three different kinds. One left over Internet cheapie, one digital that I'm saving just so I can see the word "pregnant" - minus the not, for once. And also one EPT. ANYWAY, against my better infertile judgement, I'm decidedly hopeful. It also doesn't help that my good friend Katie just got her BFP and I'm so excited, you'd think it was mine! Oh, and I'll take all the crossed fingers I can get in the mean time if you wouldn't mind. Thanks!

Panic, Anyone?

Hello ICLWer's, you can check out my original welcome here. Or just scroll down =).
So my first DIUI is tentatively scheduled for the middle of July. Brian and I finally chose a donor - yeay! What's next? How about excitement? Yes, that's a given. Hope? Yes, ever so cautiously. So what is this knot I feel in the bottom of my stomach? Oh right. It's SHEAR PANIC because I need my vials in three weeks and the bank just told me they need a month to process new recipients! WTF?!

I called yesterday to make THE purchase, and they gave me a lengthy list of hoops to jump through and told me that they usually need a month to process everything!!! The bank we decided on is a small non profit organization and the person who deals with registration only comes in TWICE A WEEK. So I have all these ridiculous consent forms that have to be filled out, two of which need to be approved and signed by my RE. That will be followed by incessant begging and groveling to the registration manager to process my application. I've sent email's and VM's to my clinic asking them to expedite the forms because of the time crunch and NO ONE HAS CALLED ME BACK!
The only exception is from my RE who graciously indulged my insanity by answering a silly question or two in an email. Now that I am a little more calm, I realize it was probably somewhat of an insult to question his plan of execution and timing of my cycle. Well done Melissa!
Here is the email:

Hello Dr. RAWKS,

I have my first DIUI tentatively scheduled for the middle of July. I noticed that once I get a positive LH test, I tend to get ovulation pains about 12 hours later. I know we have back to back IUI's planned, I just wonder if the window will be right...
So here are my questions:
1.Is the ovulation pain that I feel a legitimate/accurate way to judge/affirm ovulation?
2. If so, say I get a positive test in the morning and then come in for my 1st IUI, then ovulate that night- Is coming the next morning going to be too late? I've read that the egg can only last 12-24 hours...
I look forward to your response.

Here is his reply:

The pain around the time of ovulation usually precedes the actual event and I suspect it is due to the rapid follicle enlargement before, not the ovulation itself. Eggs live for about 24 hrs post ovulation so the 2 insemination's should cover things just fine. Timing has been confirmed by multiple studies over the years. See you soon.
Sincerely,
Dr. RAWKS

So anyway. I'm trying to hold my shit together, and praying that the registration manager will be a reasonable human being. Cross your fingers for me!


************************************************************

Update:

I just had a "Well I don't know WHO you talked to..." conversation with another person at the bank. Everything is going to be fine. She said I have plenty of time, and that she guarantee's my registration will be completed by Thursday, or Monday at the VERY latest. Which is AWEOME. Right after that my clinic sent me an email with the pdf's of the signed and approved consent forms that I needed. So I sent everything over to the bank and even called to confirm. THEY HAVE IT. We're set.

Pick and Choose

Okay, okay. I know I'm way over due for a post, but I've been hard at work on this one. I've had to walk away from it a few times just to make sure I covered all my bases. So buckle up, because it's gonna be a long one. I've wanted to write about how I've been dealing with DI for along time but I just didn't know where to start. And honestly I don't think I was ready.

My experience so far has been pretty tumultuous. There are just so many questions that come with DI, and the more I understand, the more I realize that it will be a lifelong process. Which seriously scared the crap out of me. I realize that choosing to have children is a lifelong commitment, and its well known to present demands and unexpected challenges. But this isn't something I was prepared for at all. Nor did I have much knowledge of, or experience with. I was so naive going into TTC, that I really didn't realize that DI was something that heterosexual couples had to deal with. I'm cringing as I re-read that sentence, but it's true. It just never occurred to me, that MFI was A. So prevalent, and B. So definitive in terms of conception limitations.

I used to be one of the dumbass fertiles, that I now curse for being so damn callow, and uniformed....

The first time we sat down and looked at donors wasn't too bad because it felt so far away. It wasn't real yet. We were pretty light hearted about it, looking for a genius with Brian's heritage and height. The next time we looked, a month or so later, made me want to jump off a bridge. It was terrifying because now - this was going to be our reality. And in my eyes, none of these donors would ever be as good as Brian, and I wasn't able to look past that. Because I hadn't fully accepted all of the complications that came with our choice to do DI. I felt overwhelmed by the unknown. And I was so caught up in my crap, that I didn't think Brian was being honest about his acceptance of all this.

Until that is, we got a little help. I have to say that seeing a counselor should be on the top of anyone's list who is considering DI, it's just too complex to deal with alone. Talking to a professional who is experienced in dealing with DI, and IF in general, played a pivotal role in helping me gain acceptance. She validated so many of my feelings, thoughts, and concerns. Seriously when you are dealing with something so paramount and you begin to struggle- don't wait until you find yourself staying in bed all day watching tivo'ed episodes of Scrubs, crying for no reason, and wearing the same pajama's Monday morning that you changed into Friday night. It's not healthy. GET HELP.

Okay the public service announcement portion of this post is over. On to the good news. We've narrowed it down to two donors. Initially we were very explicit about our requirements. We essentially were searching for Brian's clone. I'm not going to list all of our requirements out of respect to our future child(ren) and to Brian's privacy, but basically we were REALLY specific about not only physical characteristics and nationality, but interests, hobbies, education, religion, medical history, and family dynamics. And I think it was just too much information. We began to wonder how much of those details would really shape this human being that we are going to raise together. The more we discussed it, the less details we felt we needed as far as education, hobbies, etc. We believe that you are a product of your environment. So while genetics are a factor of our identities in obvious ways, our surroundings seem to shape much more of who we become. Basically we think we're quite capable of screwing up this kid no matter who's DNA it has. It's the concept of Nature vs Nurture, and it seems to be a common discussion in the DI world. Brian and I both have brother's who are VERY different from ourselves, so it kind of proves to us that where you come from genetically doesn't necessarily dictate who you will become. Nor will it make you the same as your parents, or brothers and sisters. People are going to be, who they're going to be... Simple as that.

Another aspect that became important is whether we choose an open or anonymous donor. Choosing an open donor will give our child the option to contact the donor when they turn 18. When we sat down with the counselor, she asked us if we planned to use an open or anonymous donor. We told her that we had planned to use an anonymous, because we would be the parents, and they'll have medical history and what not to refer too, so the donor's presence wouldn't really be necessary. She nodded and said that our reasoning sounded fair, but that she would like us to consider choosing an open donor. She gently explained that picking an open donor would at least give our child the choice to find their bio father. She said according to recent studies and surveys, most donor conceived children would prefer to have the option to contact their bio parent. EVEN WHEN they had happy childhoods and maintain a loving and healthy relationship with their parents. We sat on it for a bit and decided that we would want the option if we were in our childs position.

Please understand that I don't think there is anything wrong with choosing an anonymous donor. That was our preference for at first too, and everyone has their own valid reasons. There are other circumstances that could prevent always using an open donor as well. Because open donors are saught after, they are therefore more expensive and less available. So you typically end up having to give up certain phyiscal traits to stick with the open option. Which is exactly what happened to us. We have decided that choosing an open donor, with our heritage, and one particular physical trait will be the most important requirements we look for. After that the donors medical background and personal essay will be the deciding factors. So there it is. A big congratualtions if you made it through all that with out a nap and/or a bathroom break.

Shrunk

I'd never been to see a therapist before yesterday. My clinic has a licensed Marriage and Family therapist on staff who specializes in IF. She's actually dealt with IF herself. She was much warmer than I expected. I was completely prepared for a sterile room (no pun intended), open ended questions and bouts of silence. Like you'd see with Tony and Dr. Melfi. But there wasn't a moment were one of the three of us didn't have something to say. The validation we got from that session was like a divine intervention. It was about as reassuring as a conversation with god himself could have been as far as I'm concerned.

Before I tell you more about this, I'd like to clarify that Brian and I both scheduled this session for the same reason - me. In case you couldn't tell by the last oh, 76 posts, I've COMPLETELY LOST MY MIND. Yes, she asked us both questions, and Brian answered everything wholeheartedly, but I'm sure by about four minutes in, the Doctor figured out that I was the main reason for the appointment... I told her about my fears. I told her that I worried that Brian had settled on DI just for me. And how I was afraid that I was being unreasonable by not wanting to wait an undefinable amount of time to save up the money for IVF. That we were rushing into this, because I couldn't wait any longer...

In a nutshell she responded with:

"Melissa, the people who spend the most money don't always win. And I wouldn't say you are rushing into anything. TWO YEARS of trying- completely voids the whole rushing in thing. Keep your eyes on the prize. If you want a family NOW, go get one. If DI is the most reasonable way for you both to attain that, then you're making a fine choice. And also: you're crazy. My receptionist will get you our standard issue straight jacket on your way out."

Okay so I might have paraphrased a little. And maybe she didn't actually tell me that I had lost my mind. Nor did she issue me a straight jacket. But its likely that she at least considered it.

In all honesty we walked out of there with the peace I had hope to achieve in at least eight sessions. I know that sounds too perfect, but I swear it wasn't all peaches and cream. She told us that some of our other fears would probably come true and that our struggles weren't close to over. DI is going to be a life long journey. We have a lot of learning to do, and its never going to stop. And I feel strangely good about that. I feel like this was meant to be in some way. Like we are supposed to deal with this challenge, and we'll be better parents/people for it.

She also confirmed what Brian had been telling me all along. That he really was fine with DI. Like I had already mentioned here, and here. She told me that I was projecting my own fears on to him, and assuming that he'd deal with all this like I would. She said he genuinely appeared to be on board with doing DI. Then she threw out some psycho-babel about how men don't think or process things the same way women do...

I would say that this appointment was worth every penny, but at some point during our discussion, the therapist mentioned that the clinic provides your first counseling appointment for free. FREE. SOMETHING OTHER THAN LIBRARY BOOKS - THAT WAS RELATED TO INFERTILITY- WAS FREEEEEE. Finally. But seriously I would gladly have paid a nominal fee for the advocacy we received from her. Someone who's probably had this conversation a million times in her 20-30 career. She gave us the confidence we needed to move forward. And so we will. And had I not had to get the rubella vaccine yesterday we'd be doing it next month. But instead we'll have to settle for July. We're bumping things up a month.

The Deepest Blues Are Black

First things first. I want to thank all of you for the well wishes on my last post and the emails and conversations that followed. They meant SO MUCH. I get an immense amount of comfort in knowing that you've all been there. And for those of you that haven't, just the simple offer of support is greatly appreciated. Your words helped to remind me that this actually is REALLY hard, and that I'm not just extraordinarily weak. I was beating myself up thinking that I had over estimated my own strength against all this. Thank you for picking me up.

I've been in a really black place for the last few weeks. The darkest I've ever seen. It was scary and lonely, and to be honest I'm not quite sure I'm completely out of there yet. In the past this blog has gotten me through some ugly days, even when no one was reading it. Just typing things out was consoling enough to get me through the days where Brian had done as much as he could. But this time I was so low, I couldn't even comprehend expressing my thoughts. I was paralyzed.

On top of that we had a little relapse in the DECISION 2009 of IVF over DI. To the extent that I had a phone meeting with a Financial Counselor at our Clinic to get a closer number on what exactly it would cost for IVF. The last information we got was from our doctor and was technically a ballpark. 14k for IVF, plus 2-6k for meds, averaging around 18-19k for people with our medical background. Not including the 1k in blood tests I would need to get things started. And another 2k for an FET if the IVF doesn't work. So a minimum of 17-19k, Maximum of 21-23k.

Once we had the hard numbers from the clinic we talked again about how difficult it would be financially. We also figured out that it would push things back at least a year. And that is including asking family for help. Since November of last year we have spent over six thousands dollars on testing alone. That was most of the money we had saved for my maternity leave, before we actually knew that IF was going to be a part of our lives instead of a baby. We're pretty conservative financially speaking. We've worked really hard to get were we are. We don't have a big fancy house, we don't live beyond our means, we rarely take vacations, and I make Brian's lunch almost everyday. We live comfortably but are definitely governed by our budget.

While I think DI is a wonderful option for starting a family, I can't help but worry that my yearning to start a family NOW is unreasonble. And that waiting a year or so to save up the money for IVF might not be as horrible as it seems. Brian has told me repeatedly that although having a bio kid would be ideal, he really is okay with DI and that he just wants to be a Dad already. He knows I feel exactly the same way, but I still wonder if part of his acceptance of doing DI is just for me. To spare my sanity, my heartache. He is that kind of man. 250% devoted to the happiness and well being of his wife and marriage.


I may always wonder what might have been. But for now I think we need to focus on what our future holds. It's time to look up, and move forward.

Fear Factor

Things that I fear about creating a DI family.

1. That our openness about D.I. will invite unwanted comments or discrimination towards our child when they are older.

2. Whether or not they will have resentment towards us and their conception.

3. About how this will impact any future medical issues.

4. That our child will feel different from the rest of the family.

5. What they are going to look like? If they take completely after the donor? How is that going to make both of us feel?

6. Genealogy projects in school.

7. When they choose to look for their biological father.

From the time that Brian and I began considering DI over IVF, we worried that it was "taking the easy way out". HOLY CRAP was I wrong about that. While IVF clearly has the market cornered on being physically invasive/demanding, I personally think DI has the market on being emotionally taxing. This process so far has left me more unstable than dealing with infertility alone, except the side effects are the same. Just when you think you have a few answers and you dust yourself off a little, something comes out of right field to knock you down again. And I mean DOWN. Like we either need to knock off a jewelry store for some IVF money or resign ourselves to the idea of not having kids at all, because this is SO HARD.

We purchased a few donor profiles Sunday night, and were swiftly reminded that none of them will ever be as good as Brian. While for the last few weeks I'd been eager to read up on the extended profiles with Facial Feature Reports and/or Baby pictures. I suddenly found myself repulsed by the staggering amount of information we'd received. It hit us both hard. Almost like we'd rather flip a coin or let someone else choose.

I started to feel really unsure about the process, and over the next few days neither Brian nor I brought it up. I thought that I had made a little progress on the "loss of a biological child" front. But clearly I haven't. Still, when I start to get too far down on it, I think about the fact that I would totally adopt if it wasn't also out of our price range. I would gladly donate a kidney tomorrow if it meant I could leave the hospital with an adopted child. Like a good deed provided in lieu of payment. I mean that. We would adopt in a heartbeat if it wasn't more expensive than IVF. And adoption isn't with out its emotional baggage either. I understand that. Which only reminds me why we'll be able to come to terms with DI. Of course it's not our first choice, but it's better than the alternative - no children at all. I don't mean to sound callous. OF COURSE we are going to LOVE any child we are blessed with. I just mean - FUCK! - why does it have to be so hard to start a family???!!!

I've talked with a few different women who conceived through DI, after dealing with MFI. They've all said that once that baby is in your arms nothing else matters... I believe them. I just wish I had that confidence now. It feels like such a colossal leap of faith. 

Could You Repeat That Please?

I finally heard from the Tissue Bank Director at my clinic. She will help us coordinate our purchase of the sperm. She let me know that I will need to call her as soon as I place an order for my shipment of sperm. Evidently I have to have an appointment to ship and deliver sperm. The coordinator needs to verify that the sperm that they receive is the sperm that I ordered. Do you see how many times I've said the word sperm in the last three sentences? Well that is a fraction of the amount of times that this woman mentioned it during our seven minute phone call. I don't know if you noticed but I have tactfully referred to the containers sperm, as vials in previous posts- Instead of saying the word SPERM, OVER AND OVER.

Literally first sentence I heard from her after I answered my cell phone was "Hi Melissa, I understand you have some questions about ordering sperm"... Am I being childish, or prude? Sperm is such a bizarre word. The sound of it is just so severe, clunky even.

Every time I hear it aloud I imagine it being printed in BIG BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS: SPERM.

I guess the reason it caught me off guard is because everyone else I've dealt with at my clinic speaks with such a delicate and reassuring inflection. This woman could have been confirming the delivery of my Rototiller.

Moving on, it's starting to feel that much more real now. It's exciting. Next thing on our list is to actually choose a donor. And order our VIALS.

The Proposal

I knew today was going to be a good day. I have a new bra on, and some how that always makes the sky that much more blue... I spoke with my IUI Coordinator today. She was helpful and had a very soothing telephone voice. Which I totally appreciate because I am the freak who's blood pressure sky rockets whenever I'm at the doctors office. The anticipation KILLS me for some reason. And even when I receive a phone call from them I can feel my chest tightening, among other things...

She told me that she was going to walk me through each step of the preparation for my IUI and that I could take notes if I wanted but that she was also going to send me a list with all of the details. - A list? For Moi? Enchanté...

First I need to go in for more blood tests that probably won't be covered by my insurance. SHOCKING.

1.Blood Type, (which I should know but don't),
2.Rubella (which I hopefully don't have)
3.Varicella (which is Chicken Pox, had it when I was a kid)
4.Prolactin (which I'm told is the hormone associated with lactation, and I'm pretty sure there's none of that going on, but they're the doctors, so whatever. )
5.CBC - (Complete Blood Count - Checks the quantities of Red and White Blood Cells and Platelets, hearing that makes me think "CBC, and a CHEM 7". I loved ER)

In the packet she's going to send me I'll be getting a few different consent forms which will need to be notarized. They have to do with the actual Insemination procedure and the Cryo Preservation of our vials. And after all that is taken care of, as long as my blood tests come back clean, I mean okay, of course they'll be clean. Then we just wait until August...

Speaking of waiting until August, when we told our RE that we were planning to do it then, he said it was a shame that we were waiting so long because he's like to see me pregnant much sooner. Awwwwwwwwwww. He's a very soft spoken southern gentleman, with a perfectly lovely bedside manner, and good sense of humor. I LOVE HIM. I was really hesitant to see a male doctor at first because I have always had female Physicians. I like my mechanics to own their own car's, if you know what I mean. He's only seen my goods once for an ultrasound, but he has such a comforting presence that I didn't seem to be as nervous with him. He also told us that he thinks a double IUI would be best because we are planning an "Unmedicated Cycle". So I'll be doing OPK's to monitor. Then the morning that I receive a positive test I'll go in for my first IUI, and then again the next morning.

The feeling I have right now is what I was expecting after my last call with with our RE. I am so thrilled to begin this process, I'm just over the moon right now... I have another conference call with my Cryo Bank Coordinator. She just came back from vacation so I'm not sure when she'll be able to get back to me. Hopefully soon. And as for August? Well, lets hope that comes soon too.

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No Way Back

The process of choosing to create a DI family has been just as emotional as dealing with IF. Just a new set of "What if's" and "How come's". Well at least for me anyway. It was a pretty rough night in the Griffin household this Saturday. Had myself a meltdown...

Even though we've made a decision, the fact that we didn't have a definitive plan left me with the need to discuss the topic incessantly. I can't help it, I'm a planner. I HAVE to obsess, otherwise I'LL DIE FROM NOT HAVING SUFFICIENT CONTROL. Every time I brought it up, it seemed like Brian wasn't in the mood to talk about it, or I only got short answers. I accused him of avoiding the topic, pointing out that his lack of discussion and interest in searching for donors was his secret way of telling me he never wanted to have kids with me at all. AT ALL!!! It started out innocently enough, while we were discussing the process with some really close friends of ours. When suddenly our conversation took a violent turn in the center of my head... Then well, Yada yada, I left our friend's house bawling. After a deafeningly silent car ride home I thought it'd be a good a idea for me to take a drive and consult the Foo Fighters- In Your Honor album, for some solid advice. Or at the very least, play it loud enough to muffle my sobs. After an hour of sitting in my car parked at a vista point, in front of a couple who was undoubtedly creating an illegitimate child of their very own in their car, Brian called me and begged me to come home. When I say begged I mean, tried to sound like he was worried instead of mad. So I went home. But I took the long way. Cause I'm 30, and I can do that if I want to. Only to find him already asleep when I walked in the door.

We're doing better today. There are still many more discussions to be had. And Brian admitted that he may have been a little less than accommodating when it came to my questions. But told me that he didn't always feel the need to discuss it at my suggested lengths. And that it seems so far away, what's the rush? My urgency stems from the crazy, which is propelled by the hormones, who are sponsored by the Infertility. And we're coming up on two years here. I'M READY FOR A CHILD, GET IT? What I mean is, it's all part of the journey. And actually I think that Odyssey is probably a more accurate term. Makes it sound more lengthy and treacherous, doesn't it?


This afternoon we had our first consultation with our RE since our test review in January. We told him that we had decided on DI, he congratulated us, and began to tell us the basic steps to get on our way. Surprisingly my demeanor was a little more solemn than I thought it would be. I've been looking forward to making this call- Taking our first real step towards finally having a family, and instead of hanging up with a beaming smile, and girlish laugh, my polite work-like tone was all I could manage. I feel a loss. Still.

Part of that loss, is from our bank account. It's going to cost double what I thought it would because of the amount of vials our Doctor prefers that we order. And for the process he prefers. It's partly my fault though, I keep forgetting to use the "Home Owner Rule" when it comes to medical bills. This rule usually applies to repairs, whatever you estimate the maximum cost will be, DOUBLE IT.

After the rest of our questions were answered by the doctor he set up two more conference calls for me this week. One will be with my Cycle/IUI Coordinator, and the other will be with the Go-To person for handling our shipments from the California Cryobank. I'd like to give you a better breakdown of the specifics for this process but I don't have a complete grasp on what exactly that is yet. But I promise I'll let you know as soon as I do. It's time for bed now... Stayed tuned for details on the chat with our RE

***Welcome ICLW Readers***

Identity Crisis

It's not always evident when you read my one of my posts, but I am a pretty practical, deliberate, and no nonsense person. So when we first began discussing the fact that we would be completely honest with our child and family about DI, I was well aware that we would likely run into some asshole who'd inevitably say some rude/narrow-minded bullshit, which might lead to me being dragged away in handcuffs. Okay maybe I wouldn't go that far, but I really assumed that after a brief and gentle explanation to that person about DI and why what they said was offensive, I'd be able to shake it off. Or at the very least, laugh at them over a glass of wine later that night while daydreaming about their mysterious disappearance.

The book I'm reading about DI families discusses public tolerance and basically says if your are going to be open with your child from an early age, as we plan to, you need to expect to hear words like "Sperm bank" and "donor family" from your four year old's mouth while in mixed company. Because at four years old, discretion means nothing. So strangers will likely hear of your child's background before your are ready to confide in them. SO BE PREPARED.

We're only about ankle deep in the world of what it is to be a DI family. (We haven't even told our whole family yet) But right around the time that we made our final decision, I came across some really hurtful comments about deciding to use DI on a forum I belong to. I couldn't believe that in this place I considered to be safe, that I would read such rude/narrow-minded bullshit. It stopped me dead in my tracks, I wanted to retreat. And for a second (actually a day) I considered making my blog private again. So that I could use discretion when sharing our story... I was overwhelmed by a sudden urge to protect our privacy, to run from those disparaging comments. I confided in Brian my dismay at the bigotry I encountered and he poetically responded with "Fuck them, why do you care what they think anyway?" And again. I was stopped dead in my tracks. Why did I care what they thought?! Who was this pansy running from the first bit of resistance?! I felt like I was in fifth grade again running away from the kids who made fun of my off brand jeans.

Infertility has thrown so many curve balls that I shouldn't have been surprised by yet another after school beating. But fortunately, that little episode was nothing more than a blip on my radar. There are so many other things to think about now, so many wonderful things. Like morning sickness and swollen ankles.

For the longest time I've used this blog as at outlet for sadness and frustration. But I all of a sudden find myself with nothing to report but absolute glee. I am no longer stymied by a heavy heart. The countdown has begun.

We're planning to do our first IUI this August. And I am FUCKING stoked.

Introducing...

Sa.wyer Rob.ert Re.if was born this morning at 4:29 am. I am thoroughly honored to say that I was a witness to his birth. I am also however, thoroughly exhausted. So please excuse any fragmented sentences, as I will not be able to accurately edit this until I get out of bed. Next week.

One of my oldest and dearest friends is Sawyer's mommy. She invited me to witness this indescribable miracle, not because we're close enough that she wouldn't be embarrassed if I saw her spread eagle while groaning through labor, but to motivate me to move on already with a plan for our own family. I would imagine she thought that witnessing childbirth would be enough of an instigation to get my ass in gear. Little does she know that the invitation alone is part of what helped move me along. Brian and I made a decision about a week ago.

I was concerned at first. When she asked me I was completely stunned and told her I would have to think about it. I was a little terrified what that experience might do to my jumbled, infertility laden brain. Could I handle seeing a brand new baby placed on his mother's chest for the very first time? Would it break me? Would I fall apart?

The answers are yes and no, respectively. It was without question, a life changing experience. And I can't thank her and her husband enough for allowing me to share it with them.

Brian and I will be using Donor Insemination to start our family. It was the toughest decision we have ever had to make as a couple. We deliberated carefully between our options. The further we broke things down, the more apparent it became that we had base our decision on practicalities. IVF is financially, just plain out of reach for us. We could spend the next two to three years scrounging to save for a 40-60% chance, while my biological clock moves along unwavered by our less than supple pocket books... We could refinance our mortgage and be encumbered by a new, and inevitably higher payment. Which would only lead Brian to work more hours - and if you don't know Brian, he already works longer and harder on a daily basis, than anyone I've ever met. And I couldn't do this without him. I don't mean change diapers and wash bottles and do laundry. I mean I couldn't relish a family we went through so much to attain, without him by my side. Hearing the heartbeat for the first time, and feeling the baby kick. Watching first steps and introducing new foods... I won't even consider taking that away from him.

The other factors include the success percentages versus our specific diagnosis of severe MFI. While Y Chromosome Microdeletion was ruled out, there is the possibility of other genetic or chromosomal errors that we had to take into consideraion.

So, I feel good. Brian and I have been giving each other the those silly, knowing, little smiles that we did when we first started trying. Talking about names again and possible dues dates. When I'm in his arms it's incredibly easy to feel hopeful, and even blissful about the idea of FINALLY becoming parents. But when I'm alone, or laying awake in bed, the uneasiness creeps in. I think about the stories of failed DI by IUI, that are unexplained and ultimately leave the couple with IVF as their only other option. I probably sound ridiculous and you're thinking I shouldn't torture myself with the "what if's" and also, that I whine an awful lot. The problem is, I already know what its like to have the rug pulled out from underneath me. Like when I kept telling myself "It can take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive"...Well we all know how that turned out, DON'T WE.

We don't yet have an exact start date, it's definitely several months away. I really would like to elaborate on that but the drool on my keyboard tells me it's time to wrap things up and hit the sack. I've been up since 1am. I wonder if this exhaustion is anything close to what I will feel in my first trimester? I can't wait to compare it.

Flip Flop

If you've been reading this blog for more than three months you would know that when Brian and I were first diagnosed with Male Factor Infertility, we sort of made the decision not to have kids at all. We didn't swear it off forever, but we decided that we weren't going to pursue any treatments- therefore assuming it would never happen for us. It was a resignation of sorts, some might even call it a white flag. We were just so exhausted from the 16 months of futility. A few weeks later we decided not to make any decisions at all. For at least a year. And then a whole 2 weeks after that, we were all of a sudden ready to discuss our options. Partially thanks to our RE, who made things even more complicated by giving us two very different choices for conceiving.

In one hand we have the option of using Donor Sperm, also referred to as Donor Insemination or DI. The main reason we have considered it is because of our concerns with chromosomal abnormalities on Brian's side. Which according to our RE may not be a factor at all, as he once thought. It is not very invasive, costs about one thousand dollars, and has up to an 80% success rate each try, in the first 6 cycles. But with that comes a lot of emotional baggage that you can read about here.

And in the other hand, we have Invitro Fertilization with Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection. Or IVF w/ ICSI. Which means I get a baby that is half of me and Brian. IF it works. There is only a 40-60% chance. I would have a few weeks of hormone injections, followed by an invasive process to harvest my eggs under sedation and local anesthetic. Once they are (hopefully) fertilized they would insert the fertilized egg into my uterus using a catheter. Oh and it costs like $15 grand.

So basically we've been flip flopping between using DI or IVF. First no kids, then IVF, then Donor, then IVF, then Donor again and we even got so serious that we looked into specifics on donor profiles.

This week we are back to IVF, deciding that we'll try it once and if it doesn't work we'll move on to donor.

Next week: Abduction

Cryotastic

Tonight Brian and I visited the California Cryobank website. It's a starting point in looking for donors. We didn't make any purchases, but our searches were wholehearted.

I'll be honest. It's still a little surreal. I'm also a little taken back by my sudden excitement at the thought of (hopefully) being pregnant some time this year. We aren't rushing into anything. We won't be making any decisions for a few months. There is still a need to sort through the philosophical side of it. Like how this will impact our future child. A friend of mine that I met through an infertility forum, sent me the link to this article. It's about exploring the world of Donor Insemination. A place I suddenly feel compelled to examine. It also talks about families created through Donor Insemination and their acceptance.

I can't yet worry about what our families will think, I'm still too busy trying to figure out what we think...