Fear Factor

Things that I fear about creating a DI family.

1. That our openness about D.I. will invite unwanted comments or discrimination towards our child when they are older.

2. Whether or not they will have resentment towards us and their conception.

3. About how this will impact any future medical issues.

4. That our child will feel different from the rest of the family.

5. What they are going to look like? If they take completely after the donor? How is that going to make both of us feel?

6. Genealogy projects in school.

7. When they choose to look for their biological father.

From the time that Brian and I began considering DI over IVF, we worried that it was "taking the easy way out". HOLY CRAP was I wrong about that. While IVF clearly has the market cornered on being physically invasive/demanding, I personally think DI has the market on being emotionally taxing. This process so far has left me more unstable than dealing with infertility alone, except the side effects are the same. Just when you think you have a few answers and you dust yourself off a little, something comes out of right field to knock you down again. And I mean DOWN. Like we either need to knock off a jewelry store for some IVF money or resign ourselves to the idea of not having kids at all, because this is SO HARD.

We purchased a few donor profiles Sunday night, and were swiftly reminded that none of them will ever be as good as Brian. While for the last few weeks I'd been eager to read up on the extended profiles with Facial Feature Reports and/or Baby pictures. I suddenly found myself repulsed by the staggering amount of information we'd received. It hit us both hard. Almost like we'd rather flip a coin or let someone else choose.

I started to feel really unsure about the process, and over the next few days neither Brian nor I brought it up. I thought that I had made a little progress on the "loss of a biological child" front. But clearly I haven't. Still, when I start to get too far down on it, I think about the fact that I would totally adopt if it wasn't also out of our price range. I would gladly donate a kidney tomorrow if it meant I could leave the hospital with an adopted child. Like a good deed provided in lieu of payment. I mean that. We would adopt in a heartbeat if it wasn't more expensive than IVF. And adoption isn't with out its emotional baggage either. I understand that. Which only reminds me why we'll be able to come to terms with DI. Of course it's not our first choice, but it's better than the alternative - no children at all. I don't mean to sound callous. OF COURSE we are going to LOVE any child we are blessed with. I just mean - FUCK! - why does it have to be so hard to start a family???!!!

I've talked with a few different women who conceived through DI, after dealing with MFI. They've all said that once that baby is in your arms nothing else matters... I believe them. I just wish I had that confidence now. It feels like such a colossal leap of faith.