The Deepest Blues Are Black

First things first. I want to thank all of you for the well wishes on my last post and the emails and conversations that followed. They meant SO MUCH. I get an immense amount of comfort in knowing that you've all been there. And for those of you that haven't, just the simple offer of support is greatly appreciated. Your words helped to remind me that this actually is REALLY hard, and that I'm not just extraordinarily weak. I was beating myself up thinking that I had over estimated my own strength against all this. Thank you for picking me up.

I've been in a really black place for the last few weeks. The darkest I've ever seen. It was scary and lonely, and to be honest I'm not quite sure I'm completely out of there yet. In the past this blog has gotten me through some ugly days, even when no one was reading it. Just typing things out was consoling enough to get me through the days where Brian had done as much as he could. But this time I was so low, I couldn't even comprehend expressing my thoughts. I was paralyzed.

On top of that we had a little relapse in the DECISION 2009 of IVF over DI. To the extent that I had a phone meeting with a Financial Counselor at our Clinic to get a closer number on what exactly it would cost for IVF. The last information we got was from our doctor and was technically a ballpark. 14k for IVF, plus 2-6k for meds, averaging around 18-19k for people with our medical background. Not including the 1k in blood tests I would need to get things started. And another 2k for an FET if the IVF doesn't work. So a minimum of 17-19k, Maximum of 21-23k.

Once we had the hard numbers from the clinic we talked again about how difficult it would be financially. We also figured out that it would push things back at least a year. And that is including asking family for help. Since November of last year we have spent over six thousands dollars on testing alone. That was most of the money we had saved for my maternity leave, before we actually knew that IF was going to be a part of our lives instead of a baby. We're pretty conservative financially speaking. We've worked really hard to get were we are. We don't have a big fancy house, we don't live beyond our means, we rarely take vacations, and I make Brian's lunch almost everyday. We live comfortably but are definitely governed by our budget.

While I think DI is a wonderful option for starting a family, I can't help but worry that my yearning to start a family NOW is unreasonble. And that waiting a year or so to save up the money for IVF might not be as horrible as it seems. Brian has told me repeatedly that although having a bio kid would be ideal, he really is okay with DI and that he just wants to be a Dad already. He knows I feel exactly the same way, but I still wonder if part of his acceptance of doing DI is just for me. To spare my sanity, my heartache. He is that kind of man. 250% devoted to the happiness and well being of his wife and marriage.


I may always wonder what might have been. But for now I think we need to focus on what our future holds. It's time to look up, and move forward.