The Taste of Betrayal

I spent the larger part of the last week torturing myself over whether or not to continue breastfeeding Leah. Though it may not appear so, your comments and suggestions were all of great comfort. They were abiding and validating, everything I am use to from this ALI community. 

Wednesday afternoon during my bi-weekly trip to Target, (it's a problem, really) I reluctantly picked up a can of Soy Based Formula for my lactose intolerant daughter. I bought it on the premise that it would be for an absolute emergency. In case both my freezer stash and actual supply had completely diminished. Later that night I came to the conclusion that I might possibly just use the formula to supplement, but still primarily nurse and pump as much as humanly possible. Though as I came to appreciate my new revelation I realized my physical supply had taken a huge hit. While allowing my nipples to recover I had been using up my bountiful freezer supply and been lazy about pumping. In my defense it was just that I didn't make enough time for it, not that I hahazardly chose not to.

So on Friday when Leah's first nap of the day rolled around, I pulled the can of formula from the cabinet and made her the first bottle. I scooped her up off the floor and carried her into her room to give her the bottle I had so lovingly made with warm tap water. She whined and reached for it as I got us both into the optimal position for a relaxed feeding. When I finally offered her the sippy cup shed squealed and popped it in her mouth. She took one big gulp, and mid-swallow ripped the cup from her mouth with a look of distress and confusion. And then betrayal. That wasn't my milk. It was the taste of betrayal. She dropped the cup and let a big portion of the milk already in her mouth drool out on to her onesie. I grabbed the cup and offered it to her again, but she pushed it away. I tried three more times this weekend, but she would have nothing to do with it. I even mixed it with my milk and she wouldn't hear of it. 

All this time I agonized and fretted over whether or not to make this transition, and I didn't even consider the fact that she would't like it. And I don't blame her. I tried it. It was terrible. 

Oh, the irony....

I spent this weekend feverishly working to increase my supply. Pumping every three to four hours. Drinking that awful Tea (Which has worked well for me before), and eating Oatmeal regularly. I have to say at this point spending every spare moment pumping, is no way to live. I would have to dedicate about two hours per day. And now that Leah is so active, I can't imagine another three months of of pumping two hours per day. 

I'm going to try to add small increments of formula into her bottles with my milk from now on and hopefully be able to transition over to formula completely... I still can't believe I'm saying that. But the bottom line is, I would rather be spending time with her on the floor, than confining her to her crib so I can have 30 minutes to pump three times a day. My tata's have healed up well, but her troublesome actions while nursing are still a constant. The bites hurt just a little less sans blisters. I noticed too that I still get that special time with her while she's taking a bottle, because I make it that way purposely. I go to a quiet area, and stroke her hair while we stare into each other's eyes. The main difference is that I can relax and smile at her instead of holding my breath while I wait for a bite, or struggle against her while she tries pulling away... I guess I have my answer. 

It's Not You, It's Me.

And just like in real life breakup's, that means it's actually you. 

Meaning Leah. 

Still with me? 

K. 

Every time I start to think about researching which formula to start her on, I feel like I'm breaking up with her. I get this heaviness in my chest reminiscent of my late-teen dating era. And then I suddenly remember what having my nipple slammed in a drawer feels like. Except the drawer has two teeny tiny razor sharp baby teeth and a cute hiney. But still, I go back and forth. The day that I published my last post was the day after a really bad nursing day. And then miraculously the day I posted it was almost perfect. Like old times. Wanna know what I did differently? Not a damn thing. Then yesterday was horrible again. Horrible. Bitten every single session. I swear by the skin left on my right nipple that I watched her every move. And there is no way I could have prevented any of them. otherwiseIfuckingwouldhave,right?!. Most were caused by distractions that I had no control over, nor did I see coming. The only sessions that seem to go smoothly are in the morning. Because she is half asleep and starving.

Last night I slept terribly. I was haunted by dreams of formula. There were apparently three cans of formula in Leah's closet, and I HAD to choose the right one. But I couldn't get in there because she was asleep. But I had to choose one already. But she was asleep. And then it was 5 am and I was wide awake.... 

Please understand my trepidation with Formula is not entirely about her health, or possible nutritional variances. I know she will be just fine with formula. This is not about milk. It's about nursing. I loved nursing her and I am grateful to have been able to do it at all. Because I personally know several women who weren't able to for various reasons - inadequate supply, severely inverted nipples, medication. Believe it or not, I have a friend who was on a walk with her husband and her two month old, and she was attacked by a raccoon. (around dusk) Then had to get a rabies shot, which meant no more nursing... Crazy right?  

Every time I think I have made peace with one direction or the other, something changes my mind. Nursing her first thing in the morning goes smoothly, and I think: Well maybe I can just nurse in the morning and pump the rest of the time. Then I think, damn pumping takes up a lot of time and I have no qualms with paying for convenience not to mention pain free nipples. And I have to be honest there are a few selfish reasons floating in the back of my head. One, I could eat dairy again. GOD I MISS DAIRY. Two, I could go back to my REAL bra's. Since Junior High I have bounced between a 34DD,and a 36F. So nursing bra's fundamentally lack the fortitude - if you will - to keep my girls up where they should be. I am really looking forward to getting them into my Le Mystere's and back into the correct Hemisphere. And for the record, breastfeeding didn't wreck them. Being a 34DD before the age of 16 did. Perky went buh-bye a LONG time ago. I digress. 

Then switching to formula means money I didn't count on spending (though we can afford it), and also? I'll start getting my period... I haven't had anything since postpartum. 

Anyhoo, I want to thank all of you for your wonderful comments. And especially the wonderful ladies over at PAIL for featuring my post and sending extra support my way. It was super validating to hear your stories, and to remind me that I have to let go of the guilt. HAVE TO. Really, your comments meant a lot, and I hope to get over to your blogs soon!

To Be Continued....

My Body, My Boobies

So yeah, I'll be the first to admit it; post pregnancy - my body is NOT a wonderland. It's more like something Tim Burton created. 


But it's okay. 

My stomach is flattening out slowly, I only look about four and a half months pregnant. I'm still not entirely sure how much weight I gained because I switched doctors half way through my pregnancy. Plus my doctor's office always had a completely different number than my scale at home. Probably because A. their scale is in proper working order. and B. I usually weigh myself naked at home. First thing in the morning. Before I've eaten anything. But I'm thinking it's between 35-40 pounds total. Based on their numbers I've lost about 15 pounds since delivery. I kind of thought it would have been more, but whatever. I most certainly plan to get back to my pre-baby weight, but I'm going to allow myself the first six weeks to continue focusing on how not to be an unfit mother... 

I ended up with a minor first degree tear after delivery. My midwife doesn't grade tears by the number of stitches, but by the severity of tissue separation. She said mine wasn't bad at all. (Do your Kegels, ladies!!!) But things are tender. They have me doing a Sitz-Bath and using a squeezey bottle of warm water to rinse each time I use the bathroom. Both help take the edge off the discomfort. As do the 600mg Motrin. 

My boobies. Oi. Breast feeding is going well, now... The first few days were rough, as Leah and I were both learning how to do everything. She had a narrow palate, and we were both learning how to latch on correctly so I developed blisters on my nipples right away. That was super. But things got much easier once my milk came in. I think it helped that she didn't have to work as hard to get something out. 


There's a lot I'd like to share about breast feeding but since my time is limited, I'm going to throw it out there in bullet points. So for those of you planning to breast feed I hope this might be helpful. 

Commence Unsolicited Breast Feeding Advice:

• Even under the best circumstances, breast feeding is difficult for new mothers. And your nipples are going to be sore. Period. Because it's more than likely that you've never had someone attached to them 8-12 times a day before now.
• Buy Lanolin. Have it with you in your hospital bag, and in your diaper bag.
• Take a Breast Feeding Workshop if you can. My hospital had classes for them, it cost me $45 dollars but it was WELL worth it. If you can't take a class, I recommend picking up The Womanly Art of Breast Feeding or meeting with a Licensed Lactation Consultant. It will be worth every penny, I promise. 
• List of things to have before the baby comes: Lanolin, Nursing Pads, Softcup Breast Shells, Nursing Bra's, Nursing Tank Tops, My Brest Friend feeding pillow.  I bought the MBF and was given a hand-me-down Boppy that had barely been used, hands down the Brest Friend is worth the extra dollah billz. 
• Don't worry if your milk doesn't come in right away. I had been leaking milk and colostrum since about 28 weeks and mine still didn't come in until FIVE days postpartum. But boy did it come in quick after that.  I literally went to bed feeling like myself, then woke up looking like a Tara Reid wannabe. My boobs were ROCK. HARD. and super lumpy from all of the swollen ducts. I was in tears it was so painful. Brian sent Teresa (my bff) to go pick me up a Breast Pump, I wasn't planning to get one for a while, but good gawd, was it a life saver. I only used it to withdraw enough to be comfortable, and I haven't had to use it since.
• Shoulders Down! Be sure to relax your body when feeding. Also make sure there is a pillow under the arm of the side you're feeding on.
• Don't give up. I promise it will go from feeling like razor blades on your nipples to a gentle tugging. It's definitely not an easy thing to master but the benefits for both you and baby are monumental. 

I have to say in some ways, it's nice to sort of have my body back. To be able to bend at the waist, sleep on my back, to not have to pee every 43 seconds, and not have a consistent back ache. But that stuff aside, I actually miss being pregnant. A lot. I miss my belly and having her with me all the time. Feeling kicks, and movement. It was so wonderful. Not that it trumps having her in my arms, but I really, REALLY enjoyed my pregnancy, and I think of it often. 


I want to take a second to thank all of you for your love and support throughout my journey to get pregnant, and finally coming home with an actual baby... I cannot imagine where my life would be without having known you and the advocacy of the IF community. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you...