Please! Somebody help me! I think my period is trying to kill me! In the seventeen years that I've had my period, this is most definitely THE. WORST. ONE. EVER. I normally get cramps for an hour or so when my period first starts, but I have had them for two days straight now. Like crippling, surging, agonizing death inspired cramps. I literally had to get up three separate times last night to like walk it off. They even woke me up! I was dreaming that I was being mugged and shot. When it was actually just my uterus conspiring against me. Sorry for the tmi, but it had to be said.
One a more exciting note, I got invited to a baby shower! Actually it's not a shower; its a "sprinkle" because this will be her second child. The new baby's Auntie and almost big sister will be throwing it. HOW PRECIOUS. We ran into the mom-to-be-again at Costco yesterday, with her cuter than cute (seriously she's adorable) almost three year old. She IM'd me this afternoon asking me to keep July 11th open for her special event. I told her I would, knowing that there would be absolutely NO WAY IN HELL I would attend. A few minutes later she sent me another message saying that Brian had told her husband about our struggle, and that she was thinking of us. I started to quip back in my head about how she should put two and two together and realize how insensitive her invitation was, when she stopped herself and said that if the shower would be too hard to be around she would understand. I thanked her, and told her I had already sort of planned to politely decline, and that I appreciated her understanding. I hate it when I get all self centered, and smug about other people's thoughtlessness or insensitivity only to have it thrown back in my face with a compassionate gesture or comment. And it's not the swallowing my pride part, it's the realizing how jaded I've become from all of this.
I'm tired of feeling slighted by a friends good news. Or envious of every young mother at the grocery store. I hate that I'm not more excited about my upcoming cycle. It's not that I don't want it to happen, believe me I do. But I'm not giddy, I'm not counting down the days, or even feeling all that optimistic. For all the strength I've gained from enduring IF, it's taken my innocence two fold and replaced it with experience and the knowledge that things don't always work out.
I am one cycle away from our first real chance of getting pregnant. So why aren't I more excited?
5 comments:
Hi Melissa, I'm sorry AF is being unusually cruel this month. (Try Naproxem Sodium, I swear by it.) Sometimes she just seems to hit you hard when you're already down. As far as feeling slighted and envious of friends and others, I have that everyday, it's an on-going struggle. I agree with your comment about losing your innocence and being more aware that things aren't all peaches and cream when TTC, like they seemingly are for most couples. It's the truth for me too, at least. I think maybe the reason why you aren't more excited, is because you are trying to protect yourself from getting hurt. I think it's natural for IFers to do this. We've gone thru so many BFNs and countless AFs, that it's harder to be positive and get excited about moving forward. It's ok not to be excited, but just don't lose hope. You have to have hope. I'm really pulling for you and KMFC and everything else crossed that you and Brian will soon be blessed. Just know I care and completely understand.
Sorry about the killer cramps!! I have had terrible ones since I was about 16 so I totally sympathize. Mine would always wake me at night to the brutal intense pain and I would have to dope myself up with pain meds and wait at least an hour for them to kick in. AF SUCKS!
Also IF is so lame for several obvious reasons but also because it robs us of the joy and optimism other "normal" women have. We are always bracing ourselves for the worst possible scenario since that's all we've known since we started our journey. It is so frustrating. Even when you get PG you will probably be bracing yourself for the next bad thing to happen (at least I do). It's just not fair that IF has to take such a toll on our mental well-being and take away the joy and excitement of the experience. It's like we want to be optimistic but our hopes have been crushed too many times to believe anything good could happen. Anyway, if there is anyway you can muster up some excitement, you definitely deserve to finally feel hopeful about this! Don't let the ugly IF witch rob you of these good feelings during this exciting time! (easier said than done, I know)
Yeah the cynical infertility thoughts... is there anyway to go back? I dont think so, its just the way we are now. Wishing you the best of luck for this next cycle and hope your AF stops giving you so much grief!
I totally understand the "why am I not more excited?"- I'm right there too. You'd think I would be since I've waited a year for this, but nope: just scared and stressed, really.
I hope now that it's later in the day AF has simmered down for you- maybe it just didn't want you to forget it when you spend the next 9 months PG!
As for the "sprinkle" lady... don't dwell on the negative- just focus on the fact that you already have a express pass to not go and don't have to come up with a way to decline. Score!
Oh, I HATE cramps. I agree with Melissa about the Alieve! I also keep my heating pad close by. Adding heat to the area seems to alleviate the cramps...
I am also feeling quite jaded with my own IRL friend PG announcement, so I can't give you much advice there - other than the Rooftop Posse better hold me back because this baby is loaded!
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