Ask Me No Questions...

One of the many battles I have waged over the last year or so is whether or not to tell people about our situation. Initally it was the element of surprise that made secrecy so appealing. I couldn't wait to take our families completely by surprise when we told them that we were expecting. But as the months rolled on I began to wonder why I kept it so close. We have only told a handful of people, and I still sort of like it that way. Never mind the fact that I created a blog about all things I couldn't find the courage to say to your lovely faces. It's only been a month or so that I even turned off the privacy settings. Up until that point if you had googled it , nothing would come up. Every now and then Brian will ask me, why. Why can't we just start telling people? Why do you feel the need to keep it bottled up like so many other things. We've had PLENTY of people ask us when we will start a family, and I typically dodge it by saying "someday". It's pretty much my biggest pet peeve. I don't ask people about their plans because I don't think its any of my business. (hint hint)

This is where Brian and I are VERY different. He typically speaks to many, many people about his predicaments and news. He gathers up their bits of information like a chipmunk preparing for the heaviest of winters. And I however, am like a fortress. Carefully selecting information that can be shared, and even filtering previously approved materials. I know that neither way is necessarily right. And I know that my tendency to conceal my dilema's is not exactly the healthiest path. But it's not as though I am concealing anything that could affect another person in a negative way. It just feels normal to me. Sometimes it doesn't even occur to me to share a particular part of my life with other people. But is my need for confidentiality all that abnormal or even worse, harmful?

After talking more about it with Brian I think we've decided to tell our families and maybe more of our friends after we get some information from this first round of tests. Because at that point we will most likely have a few answers for the considerable amount of questions that we will get from everyone. I don't know how comfortable I'm going to be with talking about it but I guess I have to start somewhere to find out...

Dear Diary: I'm Still Not Pregnant

If you've read more than one of my posts you 'd know that I truly have run the full gamut of emotions. I'm fine, I'm a mess, I'm confident, I'm spiteful, desperate, cynical, hopeful; you were there, you get the point.

I think even before we started trying something inside told me this would not go easily for me. Hence being so adamant about not telling anyone we were trying to begin with. In the last few months I have began to seek more and more solace from various sites on the Internet; blogs, chat rooms, support groups and articles about infertility. All of which have only solidified the one thing I somehow knew in the back of my mind: That not only was my journey going to be more difficult than most, but longer too. To the right of the of the page you will see a few different websites that I highly recommend. The blogs and articles are written by some of the most amazing women. They are warriors. Their stories make my little play seem so petty and insignificant. My favorite of them all is a blog entitled Maybe If You Just Relax by Jen Knepper. This post specifically is my favorite. She is extremely honest, poignant and above all hilarious and I am eternally grateful I fell upon her blog. So grateful in fact that I sent her a little email... And she was gracious enough to write back.

From: Melissa Griffin

Subject: Thank you

To: Jennifer Knepper

Thursday, September 18, 2008, 6:06 PM

Hi Jen,

I just recently found your blog on Redbook, which lead be to Maybe If You Just Relax. I am so glad I found your site but wish that I had found it sooner. Like during the 6 months I thought about having myself committed. jk. I have been trying to get pregnant for just over a year and my husband and I are tiptoeing around the idea of going to fertility clinic. Even though it's only been a year, I feel like I have been through SO much but then I read your blog and a few other women's and I feel like I ain't seen nothing yet. Ugh.

Well enough crap about me, I just really wanted to thank you for your stories. You are a fantastic writer and every one of your posts makes me laugh. I definitely need that. I admire how honest you are and you have become one of the VERY few pregnant women that I wouldn't squint at and call a whore under my breath. I really am happy for you. I didn't think I could say that to any woman with child. But for you, I actually mean it.

Thanks again,
Melissa Griffin

Her Response:

Hi Melissa,
Thank you so much for your sweet email! I love to hear from readers.

I can definitely say that I know how you feel - I remember the one year mark very well. But trust me, you'll get used to showing your vagina to every doctor in your state of residence and won't even bat an eye! Still, I wish you the best of luck, and hope you end up not needing assistance after all.

If you ever have any questions or anything, let me know. And thanks again for writing!
-Jen
_______________________________________________
Making people uncomfortable with stories about my vagina since 2007:
http://www.jennepper.com/

Blogging publicly about our reproductive debacles since 2008:
www.redbookmag.com/your/infertility

I think her response explains everything I enjoy about her writing. Thanks again Jen. And Congratulations on your little girl.

Pants All On Fire

Well nothing to report really. I am a week from any news. Last night I spent the entire evening baking for Brian's camping trip to Pismo Beach. I made both of his favorites, Golden Gram Treats (like Rice Krispy Treats but with chocolate chips) and Coffee Cake. TWO batches of each!!! You're Welcome Dear

In addition, I lied to a few friends. I know, I know, where do I find the time? This weekend is Jessica Jones' bachelorette - WOO HOO! Thanks for the invite Jess, I'm SO SORRY I can't make it. But I think once you read this you'll understand why I had to say no. I wouldn't be able to drink and I wouldn't be able to tell you why. So I kinda told Jessica that I would be in Pismo with Brian. And I had to tell the same lie to Tony La Torra because he is very good friends with Jessica and he invited Brian and I out to a concert in the park tomorrow night with he and Sarah.... So you see, I was left with no choice.

So I should warn those whom plan to become pregnant and not tell your friends or family that you are trying. BECOME A GOOD LIAR. I have managed the art of ordering a glass of wine at dinner and taking pretend sips, only to pull the old switcharoo with Brian's empty glass so it looks like mine is all gone. I have joked that I boozed it up the night before, and I'm still fighting off the hang over. Or even pulled out the DD (Designated Driver) card to trump a vodka collins. Brian thinks I am silly, and self conscience. But any woman knows that when a friend, family member or acquaintance of childbearing age turns down a glass of wine - SOMETHING IS UP. Anyway... I will keep you posted as the week goes by. Cross your fingers for me.

Trying

By the time you read this we will have already told you that we are going to parents. But right now, as I am typing this, I don't yet know. I don't know if I am pregnant today or not. And I don't know if and when I will be. Brian and I started trying in August of 2007. My doctor and all of the books and websites I have read say that it can take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive.

When we first decided we were ready I bought a few books, saw my doctor and "got to work". The first month I found out I wasn't pregnant completely broke my heart. Before that day I had convinced myself that I probably wouldn't get pregnant right away, and that I wouldn't be one of those irrational women who took ovulation tests or cried when they saw a newborn at the Outback Steakhouse. I thought I had convinced myself. After three months of negative tests I became one of those women. By the way, we aren't "irrational", we're "enthusiastic".

We made the decision not tell anyone that we were trying for a few different reasons. Looking back it made things a little tough at first. In the begining it was fun, like our little secret. But as the first few months went by with no good news I realized how isolated I felt. Even having Brian to talk to wasn't enough. I know he tried hard to empathize, and did his best to comfort me but I think its different for women. When you start this journey, you come to a whole new level of awareness about what your body is doing. You begin analyzing every little twinge. (Here comes the irrational part) I think I even conjured a few pregnancy symptoms, only to be let down a few days later.

I'm sure there are more of you than just my mother-in-law who is disappointed that we didn't tell you we were trying. (Hi Sharon) Just know that it didn't have anything to do with you or our trust in you. It was just a decision that we made, together. But until our baby is on the way, I think this will be a great outlet for me. So I'm crossing my fingers and Brian is rubbing my abdomen for good luck. Daily. Okay, two to three times daily...