I've had plenty to write about lately, but just not the urge to write. Which feels strange to me. There have been many moments over the last two plus years where I found myself suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to come here and lay it all out. Every thought. Every feeling. Leaving no detail unwritten. But lately I find that I'm less and less inclined to share. Not because I think the details of my goings on these days are any less important, but because my feelings aren't bubbling over the top anymore. This break from trying - it's starting to become more than a getaway and more like an extended leave. Don't get me wrong it's not like all the baby thoughts have magically disappeared- All the normal stuff that bothers us infertile's still stings, but the voices that echo the pain back and forth have begun to grow still, and I can hear myself think again. It's kinda nice.
So as much as I hate to admit it our old RE was sort of right about seeing a urologist. He was a really cool Doctor, and aside from being extremely knowledgeable about IF, he was just really funny and warm, and didn't BS us. And in the middle of the appointment he stopped what he was doing and told us he hopes it happens for us soon because we're going to be great parents. It was just so sweet of him to say, he sounded so genuine it kind of caught me off guard. And then he asked Brian to turn his head and cough. So other than concluding the appointment with information we already knew, we did at least get some reassurance about Brian's Testosterone levels, which our most recent RE told us to look into. Brian's results were on the higher side of being boarder line, but it turns out that his test was done at 1pm, when testosterone levels should be checked at 8am... So this doctor said they would more than likely be normal if we were to test again at the correct time. Which makes sense cause Brian usually has a five o'clock shadow by noon. So next we'll probably do the DNA fragmentation test with our current RE because they give a discount to those who have no IF insurance coverage. In other news we're going to interview one more RE. He's very well established, and closer to home than our current RE, so if we like him and the cost won't be much different then it'd be nice to be so close to his office. And while I feel it's necessary to finish up some testing and check one more doctor off our list, I also think it's important that I tell you all how far away our next treatment will probably be. We haven't set a date for when we're jumping back on the ttc train, and we're not going to. Partially because of finances and partially because I am REALLY not ready. I still can't believe I feel that way, and I remember shaking my head when reading a statement like that on other blogs. I couldn't identify with not wanting to pursue treatments. But right now, I need to focus on me and Brian. I've been doing that a lot more lately and it feels SO GOOD. The clouds are slowly lifting, and I'm head over heels for my new found freedom from heartache. Yes, I still think about babies, and everything we've gone through. I still haven't gone back on Fac.ebook to avoid a pregnancy related status update. But the wait/weight is gone. I'm not going to let anxiety and frustration rule my life anymore. Until I start cycling again anyway.
Sweet Jesus am I glad to be able to write this post... We haven't been getting any Internet at my house for the past few days, so I ended up spending SIX HOURS straight on the phone with technical support trying to fix it. SIX HOURS. I actually cried while I was on hold. Twice. I cry really easily over sappy stuff in books and movies, but I'm not typically one to cry over stupid shit like a computer. I was so exhausted after all that I didn't even want to look at my laptop. Even after a few days. So forgive me that my commenting and posting has been so light. And on top of all that, I got lapped for the THIRD time by this "guy".
Anyway, the saga continues with "What the crap are we going to do now?". I made an appointment with a urologist for Brian, for this Friday. Like the obsessive and controlling supportive little wifey that I am, I will be attending. (Hey Teresa, can I leave early Friday?). The RE we saw recently recommend that he go see a urologist whether it was for infertility or not. Just to make sure there are no other underlying issues. Our old RE told us not to even bother... That it would be a complete waste of time... Fucker- that's just one more reason I want to punch him in the face. So we are going to make sure there are no other problems and I think I want to ask him to do a DNA Fragmentation test on another Semen Analysis. From what I understand when your fragmentation is above 30-35%, your risk of miscarriage is higher and your possibility of fertilization is lower. Something that concerns me on top of the gamble of our one time shot at IVF w/ ICSI...
But on to happier things!
I would like to announce the winner of the Eventually necklace giveaway, Drum roll please: It's Dee from Where'smy2lines!!!!! Wooo hoo!!! Dee is a rockstar veteran who is about to embark upon her seventh IVF with a brand new, and fabulous RE at her service. After reviewing all of her tests and history he has made some big changes in her diagnosis and protocol for this next round. I have every hope that Dee's eventual baby will be here before she knows it! When you get a second please stop by her blog to give her your best wishes!
