It appears as though I've already followed through on my promise of setting a new standard for what would be considered "mentally unstable"... As I've just reread my last few posts and - Oy.
While I understand there's no need for me to justify my reaction to the likes of you, I feel it necessary to document just how exactly the wheels fell off.
Expectations.
Expectations screw me every time. And the worst part is, I spent like a year in therapy examining my own situations to substantiate just how damaging expectations can be.
And on top of that, as we were getting ready to start injections I lectured Brian about 'how shit goes wrong' with IVF cycles.
They get delayed. They get cancelled.
Shit goes wrong, and it happens when you least expect it.
(earth-shattering news to all of you, I'm sure)
I know better. I listened intently to your advice. And to the counsel of a few close IF friends, who reminded me gently to take it one day, one shot at a time.
And yet we hit the first rough patch and I lost every ounce of lucidity and balance.
When will I learn my lesson?
Probably never.
But thankfully I have all of you to keep me in check.
And thankful is an understatement. You've all been so incredibly supportive especially during this last week. Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge. Your support has been invaluable.
Oh, hey, while I was seesawing in batshit crazy nation I got a few awards. But I was entirely to daft at the time to respond properly or thank the people who presented the awards.
A big thank you to the following ladies who thoughtfully bestowed these awards upon me. Many thanks, sorry it took me a millenia to get them posted.
So I'm supposed to thank the person(s) who gave me the award. Check! List seven things about myself, and pass the award on to 15 (aye carumba) other bloggers. Well gawd bless those of you who had the time to do all that. To be honest I haven't come across too many other blogs who haven't already received an award. That's because you're all awesome. But you knew that.
So. Will you still love me if I just post the wacky fun facts about me?
Oh well, here they are anyway.
1. I love the smell of Carbon Copy paper.
2. I just bought my first Cast Iron skillet. After I seasoned it properly, bacon was the first thing I cooked in it. It was Fantastic.
3. I won't leave the house without makeup on. Ever.
4.The last concert I attended was jack Johnson at the Berkeley Greek Theatre.
5. I hate the sound of pooring liquid.
6. I'm going to be 32 next month. Gah.
7. I hit 200 posts in December and my 3rd Blogiversary was last week. I was not entirely motivated to post about either of them because acknowledging them is bittersweet.
And a quick update. I saw my Acupuncturist Saturday and she believes that I did indeed ovulate . Apparently the pulse on your left side is stronger after ovulation. So good news there, and now I just wait for AF. AGAIN.
20 comments:
I think expectations/hopefulness/ hopelessness gets us every time and its totally unavoidable in this process. One shot at a time advice is good, but much easier said than done clearly.
Interesting fun facts about you, not sure what to do with the carbon copy smell and the sound of pouring liquids. You may be motivating to buy a cast iron skillet even though I really no not know how to cook.
I've been thinking about you. I hope AF shows soon so you can start the next cycle.
Meds and IVF cycles make us a little nutty. So don't be too hard on yourself. Looking back, the cycle I got cancelled was actually more stressful than my BFN IVF cycle. And it's true- setting up expectations can be devastating. But, lots of people do get through IVF cycles without issue, so you are not wrong for being disappointed.
Never done the cast iron skillet thing. I was afraid it would be hard to clean. Am I wrong?
GCE - I would not say that the Cast Iron is harder to clean per se, but they do techincally require more maintanance.
When you clean them you can't use soap or any other harsh chemicals, basically just a little scrub brush, warm water and some eblow grease. Then you have to wipe it down with oil - or lard if you're that kinda girl. It cooks very evenly, and it's naturally non-stick. So I kinda like that I don't have to worry amout consuming Tephlon anymore. =)
I wish there was a pill at the beginning of the IVF cycle that could turn us into an IVF robot--imagine legions of robot-women going in for their wandings and blood draws, emotionless on the table, getting their eggs sucked out without any expression, getting retrieval and fert reports and just taking in the data, nothing more nothing less. Ahhhh, you'd think they'd come up with something like that!
MTL - I told my Acu lady that RE's should prescribe Lithium with BCP's...
It sounds like you are doing better. I'm glad. Hang in there- IVF is one heck of a roller coaster. Thinking of you!
We all have our up times and down times...that's why we're all there for each other. Hang in there!
Everyone told me to "hope for the best, but prepare for the worst". SO HARD TO DO.
You start your cycle, hope is high...it's just hard. Or you start your cycle and you cocoon yourself to protect yourself. That's what I did. I learned to celebrate the small victories, and even though I didn't get the prize at the end, I was able to survive and even thrive at times.
Here's hoping you get the big prize, my friend!
Of course your expectations are high. We ALL do this. Totally normal.
One day at a time is good advice. That's how I'm living right now and I'm not even cycling.
I just started reading your blog, your tagline cracks me up! I can't remember what I used to think of either..haha
It's like juggling a chair, a piano and a cup of tea all while on a tight-rope, isn't it?!!!
Yes... one-day-at-a-time can help, so can copious amounts of wine (though I have stopped drinking) and a good cry or scream towards the sky.
Hang in there... this too shall pass!!!
expectations always shoot me in the foot: Whether they're my own for myself or for others or what i should be like/accomplish etc.
*hugs* thinking about you
Sorry I have been so bad at keeping up with your news. Really disappointed for you - totally sucks. I think the one day at a time approach is the best way forward and then hopefully before you know it, you'll be on your way. Thinking of you xx
Expectations seem to work with more clockwork efficiency for some people than others. The question rests in who is that other.
I am silently releasing a slew of steam-releasing terminology to let the universe know that we need a break. I hope that IVF of yours gets back on track and does the trick it is supposed to.
And thank you for the kind words you left me on my blog.
Don't you just wish there was some *trick* you could learn to limit those darn expectations? I think they are on overdrive during an IVF cycle.
Thinking of you!
makingmemom.blogspot.com
Thinking of you Melissa! This is all so damn stressful. I hope that AF rears her ugly head soon so you can get this show on the road.
I just found your blog. Wish I had found it earlier. You are awesome! Looking forward to reading your journey and dispensing the sage advice of a crazy multi-IVFer.
Hey, I wanted to wish you the biggest luck ever. I know you're having mixed feelings about turning 32, but I'm 46 and pregnant for the first time (with IVF/donor boy twins). We've been trying for over ten years. I never planned to be a first-time mom at 46(and never planned to use donor eggs), but sometimes that's how things work out. It'll happen for you. You've got age on your side...which is a huge thing in the world of IVF.
By the way, I use cast iron skillets exclusively. They're fantastic and really are non-stick if seasoned and maintained properly. Get a stainless steel scrubber. This works great on cast iron. And don't use soap. Leave it greasy as you "wash" it. That way you won't strip the oil coating every time you clean it.
Hey, by the way, I also hate the sound of pouring liquids, particularly wine from a bottle.
Hi Alice, thanks for the encouragement, and helpful advice on Cast Iron maintanence.
I apologize if it sounded like I was bitching about my age. It's not really the number it more about the fact that I started trying at 28, and assumed I'd be working on number two by now. Plus, sometimes I forget I'm not fresh out of highscool.
Best wishes for Happy and Healthy nine months!
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